<p>Neither I nor my H have a college degree.
Both have loans from undergrad, would have loved to have helped oldest with grad school, but she didn’t ask for help, not with applying or with paying for.
She is graduating next week and I am brainstorming how we could help her with a car to ease her job search, although we are still paying on PLUS loans.
It’s been a sacrifice, but isn’t that what you do for your children?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Should? No. I don’t think there is any inherent responsibility, and in fact can see some value in letting the young adults find a way to finance their own graduate education. But I also see no harm in helping out if that is what makes you happy and the young adult is serious and appreciative. I can see both your ex’s and your own point of view, so in your situation, I’d suggest that you help out as much as you can, and not make a case out of your ex’s different opinion and values. There is no “correct” way- just a way that makes sense, all things considered.</p>
<p>We paid undergrad tuition for our older D - now in her early 30s. She was not much of a student and not sure what she really got from her college years. We declined to pay for her graduate school so she worked for several years and took that time to really hone her ideas of what she wanted to be when she “grew up.” Eventually, she went to grad school and took substantial loans to do so, but is now well-established in an excellent career. I think our decision not to fund her helped her grow up and make far more responsible decisions. She thinks so also!
Our S just finished freshman year and already knows that we will not fund graduate studies. He’s fine with that and appreciates that he will be graduating college w/o loans.</p>
<p>Tango-most of the companies around here that prefer employees have a masters or PhD somewhere down the road will also pay for those degrees so it doesn’t make sense for students to pay for those out of pocket so I would discourage my child from moving straight through knowing that.</p>
<p>I do not feel any obligation to pay for school beyond college. However, if I could readily do so financially, the children needed it and were properly appreciative rather than demanding, I certainly would have no compunction in doing so.</p>
<p>Heck, what would I rather spend it on? More vacations? Bigger house? More clothes and shoes? Fancy car? Really? No thank you. </p>
<p>Besides, they’re probably going to inherit the majority of it anyway so why wait? In my deathbed, I’d rather know I’d spent my money on my children’s education than that I had bigger and more of whatever.</p>
<p>Note that OP is not talking about scrimping to do this but being able to do this comfortably.</p>
<p>Both my H and I are fortunate enough to be able to fund our kids’ private education from kindergarten through college. But I wouldn’t feel obligated to fund their grad schools. I believe that if they think they needed more education beyond college, they ought to have some “skin in the game.”
My D worked for 4 years and went to a top 10 MBA program with 2/3 tuition scholarship. We paid for her first year’s living expenses and she borrowed the rest. She was able to fully repay her loans within 2 1/2 years from her savings and bonuses (she received a substantial signing bonus even in a depressed economy) from work.
My S went to a top UG program in his field and has been extremely fortunate in his career so he will have no need for grad school.</p>
<p>I am more open to occasional large gifts to help repay their school loans than to pay for their grad school education upfront. However, in the OP’s situation when you and your H’s money are still co-mingled(am I correct in this assessment?) I would argue to pay for your children’s education now rather than future large gifts which may come from OP’s separate account.</p>
<p>cbreeze, thanks for the final comment. Currently the money is ‘our money’ and at some point it might be his and mine… so at that point any largesse would be from me, I suspect. I would need to ensure that any ‘agreements’ addressed this. </p>
<p>I am glad for all the comments!</p>
<p>If I had infinite money I wouldn’t hesitate to pay for a kid’s grad/professional school. We have been fortunate to be able to pay for two kids undergrad years, but it wouldn’t be good for our finances to pay for grad school for both of them. Luckily oldest is not interested and if he ever becomes interested has plenty of money to cover it himself. Younger son is in a field where grad school is very common and unless he is lucky pay is not likely to be high. Most students do work a few years before going to grad school though. We haven’t made a decision, though dh and I have talked about it. DH leans towards paying, I lean toward considering alternatives (maybe paying for some but not all for example). DH is a PhD and his education was entirely paid for by the university (not even much TAing that I can recall), my parents paid for architecture school. I know I was very fortunate to get launched by my parents, and would love to do the same, but not sure if it would be good for our future. (It’s not that I want to retire early, but I’ve seen that health issues have forced family members to retire earlier than they wanted to.)</p>
<p>My husband and I certainly don’t feel obligated to fund graduate school but we are fortunate enough to be in a position to cover most of our daughter’s medical school costs. A couple of hundred thousand of debt is a tough way to start out and though she had no expectations, we are glad to do it. Yes, she will start the financially independent part of her life later than most but she is a pretty solid citizen and I think that she will be fine. </p>
<p>Personally, I don’t think that parents have any obligation to cover graduate school but I also don’t think that kids that are financially independent at 22 have a lock on moral fiber (though they should be very proud of themselves).</p>
<p>I have no opinion if others should pay or not, it is their own business. I decided to pay for several reasons. One of the reasons was that we did not pay UG tuition because of Merit award. Another reason is that both of us still working and do not plan to retire. There are other reasons and we are taking one year at a time, filing FASFA just in case. It is none of my business to tell others what they should and should not be doing with their money.</p>
<p>If I could afford it (I can’t) I would help out with graduate school. My grad school tuition was $5k first year and $5.5k second year. That same program costs $93k per year now (tuition is $62k). I don’t think it’s fair to say that I went to grad school without parental help and so should you.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>People are living much longer now and health care in the final years has gone to astronomical amounts. My only hesitation about the above sentiment (and I have it frequently-I’d like to treat my kids and their families to nice vacations with us and my husband also has a very generous nature when it comes to the kids) is that we don’t know how long we will need to support ourselves, nor do we know what it’s going to take in terms of financials to keep us going in our old age, should we be fortunate to live long lives. </p>
<p>My DH was never sick a day in the over 20 years I’d known him-until he got cancer. A catastrophic illness can really eat away at that “inheritance.” If you’ve already given a lot of it away, you may find yourself being a burden. I don’t ever want to be a financial burden on my kids.</p>
<p>D1 is about to begin a fully funded Ph.D program. Somehow, I am skeptical that we are really “finished” supporting her. I’m sure it will be tough for me to fight the urge to help her upgrade her apartment, slip her cash, etc., That said, we are planning to help get her into a safer car. So the beat goes on…</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Yup. It does indeed. We are not the “greatest generation” who experienced wild appreciations in home values, defined benefit pensions, expanding stock market. That all wound down while many of those of that generation are still with us, requiring ever greater health care and living assistance. Then there are our kids . . . we are definitely the sandwich generation and it’s best to be pretty clear eyed about it.</p>
<p>My DH is planning to work a long time. I’m about to re-enter the workforce after a two-year hiatus. We could live larger than we are. We have a feeling there will be a lot to navigate ahead of us.</p>
<p>paying for grad school – a parental obligation, no. A joy, perhaps – if the parents can really afford it, and if it’s not a source of marital strife. A marriage may fall apart for other reasons, and childrearing decisions can surely strain a marital relationship, but IMHO, by the time the kids have finished UG, childrearing controversies shouldn’t have to be a source of marital strife.</p>
<p>“Afford” is a funny word, because nobody has a crystal ball. I would not think it crazy for the more generous partner to defer to the more financially conservative partner on the question of funding grad school. This is not a comment on anything else that might have happened in the marriage, or where the marriage should be headed. I just don’t think it’s “a hill to die on” by the time the kids are finished UG, and mercifully college loan-free.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Isn’t this the truth?!!</p>
<p>This was not anywhere’s near a major source of marital discord. It just happens to be something we don’t agree about! It is not something I would go to the mat on.</p>
<p>You all have had interesting perspectives on this… The crystal ball is definitely blurry for me.</p>
<p>OP- perhaps a clean way to set up something so the kids get extra money towards loans in case you die first would be a life insurance policy on you? It can have those kids as beneficiaries and no need to worry it won’t be paid out to them as you wish. Less strife as long as somehow everyone understands what was done and why. Maybe the step kids Dad will leave them something, maybe he won’t.</p>
<p>I know a step family, Mom & Dad both on second marriage, both with a son from a prior marriage. Step son A was disowned for years, parent spoke badly of them etc., later SSA rejoined the family, enter the prodigal son style welcome. That son is now splitting the estate 50-50 with a SSB.</p>
<p>SSB has nothing to inherit from the deceased other bio parent, SSA will receive a large estate from his other bio parent. Should the current family adjust the inheritance or is that just the breaks of the game? Hard to say!</p>