<p>I think this topic has been touched on before, but I’d still like to get feedback from parents. </p>
<p>A friend asked for my opinion today. She’d seen a teenage girl smoking in a parking lot. She knows the mom (co-worker, but not in the same immediate department) and was pretty sure the mom didn’t know the daughter smokes. She was really torn as to whether to tell the mom or not. My instinct was to tell the mom, because smoking is such a health hazard. </p>
<p>But… my D has an ex-boyfriend who drinks, sometimes heavily (he’s still in hs). The bf’s mom told me a while ago that she “knows” her son doesn’t drink. But I know otherwise, and frankly I think this mom has her head in the sand because the kid doesn’t make much of an attempt to hide it. I have come very close to saying something to the mom, but never have. Still, if this kid ends up wrapped around a tree in a drunk-driving accident, I’ll feel horribly guilty (I don’t think he drives after drinking, but I don’t know).</p>
<p>And, a couple years ago a friend came to me to tell me she had overheard a rumor about my D. She said she was only telling me what she had heard because if it were her daughter, she’d want to know what people were saying. I will be forever grateful that she told me. When I asked my D about it, at first she denied it. But then I overheard D’s phone conversation with a friend and realized that although the rumor was greatly exaggerated, D had been doing something that I never would have dreamed she would do; something she had told us she would not do. When DH and I confronted her she tearfully admitted it, then told us she was terribly unhappy about some situations with friends and school, and had done something out of character in an attempt to make herself feel better. It never dawned on me that she wouldn’t talk to us about a problem; she said she was afraid we’d be disappointed in her if she admitted she was unhappy. After a few months of therapy for her (and us) we all communicate much better. As I said, I am forever grateful to the friend who told me, and will never trust the parents who were discussing the rumor but didn’t have the decency to tell me so that I could help my kid.</p>
<p>Sooo… am I a hyprocrite for not telling the ex-bf’s mom about the drinking, since I appreciated being told about the rumor? Should my friend spill the beans on the smoking teenage girl?</p>
<p>I dislike secrets. But in this case I would not go out of my way to tell about something I casually saw. If the opportunity for the subject to come up I would not keep the information from the parents. A “by the way, I saw yor D smoking in…” may be a way to broach the subject if the parent is seen not too long after the event.</p>
<p>Telling requires delicacy because some might take the telling as giving directions or implying that they are deficient as parents. </p>
<p>If the ex-bf’s mother “has her head in the sand”, then consider that she may already know, regardless of what she may say publicly, and not appreciate being told. How badly would it damage your relationship if she resented your intervention?</p>
<p>In the smoking situation, there might be room for something less-than-fully committal, something like “You know, I couldn’t be sure but I thought that I saw Sally smoking in the Sears parking lot yesterday.” This allows room for the other mom to disbelieve if she so chooses without damaging the relationship. It also depends on Sally’s age. The younger Sally is, the more likely I would be to say something.</p>
<p>*A friend asked for my opinion today. She’d seen a teenage girl smoking in a parking lot. She knows the mom (co-worker, but not in the same immediate department) and was pretty sure the mom didn’t know the daughter smokes. She was really torn as to whether to tell the mom or not. My instinct was to tell the mom, because smoking is such a health hazard. *</p>
<p>How old is the teen ? 13? or 17?
Thirteen years old- if I knew the mom well , I would probably give her a heads up, 17 years old- I would mention something to the girl.</p>
<p>I think teens will discuss something with another adult that they never would with their parent- after I discussed it with her, I would mention it to the parent.</p>
<p>I agree with ADad in this case. Sometimes the messenger gets murdered, as they say, so tread lightly. Would you mind posting what you decide to do?</p>
<p>Here’s mine: I’m friends with a woman whose daughter is a friend of my daughter. My daughter’s friend is 17, will be 18 in the spring. “You have to promise you won’t tell anyone if I tell you something. I promised XYZ I wouldn’t tell, but I need to talk about it,” so started a conversation I had with my daughter. So I said I wouldn’t tell unless someone’s life was in jeopardy. As it turns out, my daughter’s friend has been having unprotected sex with two boys. </p>
<p>MY friend has no idea, and has gone so far as to tell me how she told her daughter, “Don’t do anything mom wouldn’t approve of,” and she is sure her daughter is not sexually active. I have run out of non-commital conversation fillers when the topic comes up! I have thought about asking leading questions, but she will immediately grill me about what I know, since she knows our daughters are friends. </p>
<p>I do not want to betray my daughter’s trust and confidence. On the other hand, my friend would never forgive me if she knew I knew and didn’t say anything. I would be livid, too, if no one told me. I have encouraged my daughter to tell her friend to always use birth control, and talk to her parents. Any other ideas?</p>
<p>*I said I wouldn’t tell unless someone’s life was in jeopardy. As it turns out, my daughter’s friend has been having unprotected sex with two boys. *</p>
<p>IMO, having unprotected sex is putting life in jeopardy.
I would not keep that secret.</p>
<p>I have struggled with this issue, too. I think the ethical questions are: do I know this is true? Is the behavior in question truly dangerous, or is it instead something that I personally disapprove of, or something that I think is the parent’s business when it isn’t, necessarily? (Is it a parent’s business whether/when a college student has sex?) What are my motivations in telling the parent? Some folks love blowing the whistle on a kid just to embarrass the parent - I’ve seen it happen several times.</p>
<p>Always depends on the behavior/reliability of info, but I almost always vote on the side of tell. Maybe the mom will find out the story is false, which would be great. Maybe her asking about these issues will stop the girl from proceeding toward more dangerous behavior because she fears her mom is on to her. I don’t care if a mom is mad at me if I think I can help save her child’s life.</p>
<p>One of my dad’s friends outed me about my underage drinking when I was 15. It really straightened me up.</p>
<p>The smoker in question is a high school senior.</p>
<p>je nes sais quoi: Your situation mirrors mine about the ex-bf who drinks. D has begged me not to say anything because if the mom hears it from me, the ex will know I found out thru D. I want my D to trust me and to talk to me about important things, and I’m afraid if I tell the mom she’ll feel I’ve betrayed her trust and clam up.</p>
<p>Years ago I jumped in line at the supermarket at 9 PM on a Friday night, to find the 16 year old neighbor girl in front of me with a fake ID and a cart full of wine coolers. She RAN from the store, mumbling something about “getting some chips.” I called her mom when I got home. Girl is now a law school grad, and a fine, upstanding citizen. I’m glad I called because she was getting ready to hop in the car with friends. Mom tracked her down and shortened the leash. I would want to get the call, and that’s the litmus test, in my book. Kid safety trumps breach of confidentiality.</p>
<p>when our daughters were in jr high, a friend asked if I would tell her if I “knew” something about her d. I answered that if it was harmful to the child, AND if I didn’t think the parents would know if they were paying attention. i.e. we stayed up until our kids were home. I sorted laundry. I rode in the kids’ cars. I drove them home after dances etc etc etc.</p>
<p>I have heard many stories about parents being told and denying - and then the child is off the hook because the parent turns they anger on the “teller” - unprotected sex is harder to detect than smoking or drinking…until it is too late I guess…</p>
<p>in that case I’d ask my d how she thought I should handle it as she made me promise not to tell and then dumped this info on me.</p>
<p>Your situation is very different from the OPs. My MAIN concern would be about the relationship with your daughter. You may want to talk to her about how you feel; especially if she told you because she’s worried about her friend - she may come up with a way of letting your friend know, or you may come up with a way of counseling her friend, or it may just become an exercise in learning how you and your daughter feel about and would handle the situation.</p>
<p>I’ve always told my kids that if they ask me not to tell I won’t - even to their other parent. It’s part of the “if you ever need to be picked up in the middle of the night just call and I won’t ask any questions - your friends are included in that offer too”. I’ve never broken that confidence; their friends and my friends know that I wouldn’t. Unfortunately, it’s not always worked the same for me - and there are now some friends and family that I am very careful about talking to. </p>
<p>The once or twice I’ve found out things (thankfully, nothing really serious) about my kids, and was asked not to reveal the source, I managed to talk to the kids about it while maintaining confidentiality.</p>
<p>One option is to tell a kid, “I’m giving you until Saturday to tell your parents yourself. After that I will feel morally compelled to tell them because I would want to know if you were my kid. It’s your choice.” Some kids will come clean themselves.</p>
<p>It is none of your business so long as the undesirable activity is not directly harmful to others. If the students were under 16 years old, then the issue really becomes one of lack of parental supervision and, in the case of drinking, possible family issues that may trigger a very unattractive response.</p>
<p>My rule on “tattling” has always been: “is it a health or safety issue?” Drinking is both; cigarettes are a health issue… I would have snapped a photo of the kid with my cell phone and emailed it to the parents on the spot.</p>