<p>One of my D’s former friends is making a fool of herself on facebook. Her profile picture shows her sprawled across a sofa with two empty liquor bottles in her hands and a drunken laugh on her face. She’s got photos of herself chugging alcohol from the bottle in her room and more. This girl is a member of 3 organizations in our high school that are supposed to be setting examples for the younger kids in the school, some of which require the kids to pledge “abstinence” from alcohol. She freely admits in her photo comments that the liquor came from her parents’ garage. </p>
<p>I’m fed up with it - not only her photos, but many other kids’ pics with beer cans in the background. And I’m fed up with no one squealing. If I’ve seen these photos, I’m sure others have too. Am I the only one who goes into Facebook when their kid forgets to log out? Yes, I’m “spying” - but if a few other parents started spying they’d be shocked at what their kids are not only doing but bragging about online. Actually, in this case my D was so disgusted with her former friend’s behavior that she actually told me about the pictures.</p>
<p>We’ve had 2 kids in the area die within the last 6 months from alcohol-related incidents - neither of which involved driving. The student leadership organizations in the high school are a joke - their leaders are some of the biggest partiers in the school. Everyone wrings their hands about teen drinking but no one does anything about it. </p>
<p>Am I being vindictive if I print these photos and leave them anonymously for this girl’s parents and the teacher/advisor of these “role model” groups? Or am I “enabling” this behavior by keeping my mouth shut? My D says that if we give anyone the pictures it will backfire on her because everyone knows she and this girl have had a big falling out. (Hence my inability to man up and hand the photos over to the parents myself in person.) But I can’t help but think of the phrase that says, “All that is necessary for evil to thrive is for good people to do nothing.” And if this girl becomes another tragic statistic I will feel awful that I knew what was going on and said nothing.</p>
<p>BTW, I have checked my D’s Facebook and there are no photos with alcohol and no suspicious comments. We’ve had our serious issues, believe me, but I am comfortable that she is not a drinker. Actually, our past issues are another reason this all bothers me so much. A couple years ago a parent heard a rumor about my daughter and told me about it. Although the rumor was greatly exaggerated, it made me realize that there was a lot going on with my D that I was unaware of. I am forever grateful to the parent who CARED enough about my kid to clue me in so I could get her the help she needed before things got any worse.</p>
<p>PS - No comments from kids stating “Kids will drink no matter what you do.” This thread is for parents to discuss whether or not telling other parents about scary behavior you have seen on Facebook is appropriate, not to debate the merits of the drinking age.</p>
<p>I know them to say hi. Our D’s were close for a year or so, but I wouldn’t call her parents “friends.” That’s why my DH says I should stay out of it, he says if we knew them better we would say something.</p>
<p>If I knew them well I wouldn’t be considering leaving the photos anonymously; I’d speak directly to the mom.</p>
<p>Now I wonder if the fact that I’m not willing to speak directly to the parents or the teacher means that should keep my mouth shut. Anonymous photos are a chicken way to do it, but on the other hand at least her parents and the advisor would be clued in.</p>
<p>I can’t believe kids are still stupid enough to put stuff like that out there. I did a lot of spying myself, so I don’t fault you for that. I am surprised the other parents and school officials aren’t all over this. I know of multiple instances where whole groups of kids were suspended or expelled from private schools for party/alcohol pictures on facebook.
I would probably find a way to get this stuff to the parents/school.</p>
<p>I don’t have a problem with you viewing these pictures. Facebook is public, in the sense that anyone who is on your “friends” list can show your profile contents to anyone, including the authorities. So kids posting incriminating pictures deserve to be turned in. If this girl has pledged alcohol abstinence to some organization, I support you turning her into that organization. She deserves to be called on her brazen hypocrisy.</p>
<p>If you go through with you’re plans, I feel sorry for your daughter. She’s the one that’s going to have to deal with the kids in school after they find out that you were the tattletail.
I think you should mind your own business and concentrate on your own daughter.</p>
<p>If my intention is to protect the girl, I would tell the parents face to face. I may say, “My daughter left her FB open, as a nosy parent, I clicked on a few pages. I accidentally came upon your daughter’s FB page, and this is what I saw…Kids will always push the boundary in high school, but it’s probably not a good idea to show it on FB.” I would find out how your kid would feel about you speaking with the girl’s parents.
If it would in any way have an ill effect on my kid, I wouldn’t do it. My kid’s happiness comes before other people’s problem.</p>
<p>nysmile & oldfort, that’s exactly what’s holding me back. D says it would definitely backfire on her. Even if I did it confidentially, she says people would assume she was the “snitch.”</p>
<p>Unfortunately, your daughter is right. Please listen to her and don’t put her into that awkward position. Don’t assume that this girl’s parents don’t all ready know what their daughter is doing.</p>
<p>i want to say i am a kid (im 17) but im not going to advocate drinking or disagree with this at all! i know many kids also who have died from drinking but i appreciate the tough situation you are in. i agree with Bay, facebook is public it is a WEBSITE for everyone to see, i mean i know that counselors tell me to disable my facebook during college apps time because they could look me up and not like what they see! if people put these things on their page they should be willing to pay the consequences. i am a kid and i know that your daughter could face problems but most likely nobody will think she did it unless they have reason to think she would do this but they cant prove anything! i would suggest emailing it anonymously to the organization that she pledged abstinence too because that disgusts me that she is a “role model” for others, the leader of the organization should at least be aware so he/she doesnt have a bad influence involved in a good organization, and through that the parents could find out but that way you’re not telling them yourself… but this really is serious and people dont take drinking as a danger being serious enough and im not some prude girl i mean i have drank but i recently (4 days ago) had a friend die of alcohol poisoning… this was so preventable and thats what makes people upset, ya the girl might get in trouble and get kicked out of her club but honestly she deserves it if shes gonna be so stupid about what she posts on the web, and being scolded is far better than dying.</p>
<p>if youre daughter says there is NO WAY people wouldnt know it was her than i would advise against telling anyone but only if she knows that people will for sure without a doubt accuse her… she might need to recognize that a persons life in danger is more important than her dealing with annoying teenagers for 2 weeks (believe me im in high school all my friends drink i know how this goes ive seen it happen, ppl get mad at first then forget, new drama everyday!) and maybe her parents do know that the girl drinks but im sure they dont know to the extent, i know if i was a parent and my child died from alcohol i would rather know and be able to prevent it than lose them forever… some things are bigger then 2 week high school fights… i know im being very serious but i just lost my friend who was 20 years old he was so smart and couldve been a great husband/dad and done amazing things but one night of drinking ended that… and no one ever thinks it will happen to them or their child or their friend but it does and it will. when we heard my friend died my teachers automatic reaction was that she wished she had told his mom more of what she heard him saying he was doing on the weekends because he could still be alive if it had been prevented… ok thats the end of my little soapbox lol</p>
<p>If you are genuinely concerned for this girl’s health and well-being, then find a way to inform her parents or a school counselor quietly & confidentially. Strewing anonymous printouts around to publicly shame/expose her doesn’t strike me as a constructive way to address this.</p>
<p>I don’t see any reason why OP needs to divulge his/her identity at all. This is a photo we are talking about, publicly posted by the perpetrator herself. What purpose is served by bringing OP and her D into it at all? None that I can see. Rather, other students will learn a valuable lesson by exposing this girl’s intentional bravado over her illegal activity, and the integrity of the abstinence organization will be preserved. I say, print out a copy of the photo and mail it in an anonymous envelope to the adviser of the organization.</p>
<p>I work at a high school, sophomore teacher, and I agree with lunitari. Call the girl’s counselor and let her know you are worried about what you saw. Request anonymity. The counselor can call the girl in and tell her that a community member saw the photos and felt concerned enough to call and see if the girl was okay or needed help. The counselor can suggest she put up more appropriate photos since they are public and can be seen by anyone. She can have a talk with her about drinking, risky behavior and how photos on the internet can be cached forever and used against her someday.</p>
<p>Assume everyone concludes that your D is responsible for revealing the truth. Assume unpleasant social repercussions occur.</p>
<p>How should that unpleasantness be weighed against the possibility of saving or dramatically improving a life and/or of ending the hypocrisy?</p>
<p>Is it right to say that any negative effects of my actions on my kids, no matter how small, are more important to me than any possible positive effects of my actions on other people, no matter how large?</p>
<p>(And of course you don’t have to tell D if you do decide to intervene.)</p>