<p>Hmm, I’m in the camp that says, don’t do it anonymously, if you’re gonna do it, own it, and own it proudly. </p>
<p>I had to “rat” on a friend of my D’s when they were sophomore’s in HS, didn’t know the parents at all. One of the toughest things I ever did, and it really messed with my relationship with my D, for some time. She thought I was “unfair” and that it was “none of my business”. But she was wrong. It IS my business. This was a young woman who was engaging in something scary and dangerous. I was worried for her. And seriously I didn’t even want her associating with my D, but that wasn’t even a condition of my talking to the parents. In fact they’re still friends. Bottom line, the girl needed help, her parents got it for her, and life went on.</p>
<p>It takes a village, and if I see something in my village that I think is inappropriate or wrong I’m going to do something about it.</p>
<p>Difficult situation. My daughter was concerned about an ex boyfriend who was getting extremely drunk very often starting early morning, driving drunk, sending texts talking about suicide, and engaging in other risky behaviour. She talked to me about whether she should contact his parents and let them know, and I was worried because of the whole ‘shoot the messenger’ thing (especially as I knew these parents always made excuses for everything this boy did). Well she was worried enough she went ahead and called them and their response was to call her a vindictive b*tch. She didn’t regret it though as she felt that she had at least done what she could, so it lifted a burden of responsibility from her shoulders and put the ball in their court. Now a few months later I gather they are being forced to deal with it, and additional problems, as he has been thrown out of school.</p>
<p>I like momof2inca’s solution. My POV has always been that if I can see it online, ANYONE can see it online (so what if I sometimes spend a bit of extra time “stalking around” – per my 2 D’s…) Knowing how awful and vindictive h.s. kids can be, and possible repercussions against your D, I like the idea of talking to the counselor and asking anonymity.</p>
<p>Here’s the Texas Cheerleader Mom way to handle it: Several of the cheerleaders had drinking-type pix on Facebook. One of the other cheer moms copied a couple of them together with a copy of the cheerleader constitution that says that such behavior is cause for removal from the squad, and posted these little bombshells all over town.</p>
<p>It may be useful to put yourself in the shoes of the other parents as a thought exercise.</p>
<p>If I were the other parents:
– yes, I would want a friend to tip me off, in case I didn’t know
– but face-to-face, anonymously would be hostile and scary
– and nonjudgmentally, I don’t want a lecture about my poor parenting skills
– or a threat to have my child purged from her ECs or otherwise attacked
– or any kind of ultimatum about what I should do about it</p>
<p>From my point of view, you must – MUST – respect the other parents’ right to handle things as they see fit. There’s no way you can know all the nuances of the relationships. (I have friends whose 25-year marriage is coming apart largely because of disagreements about how to deal with issues like this. The last thing they need would be a friend sticking an oar in without understanding what a minefield it is.) </p>
<p>It’s too bad about the gross hypocrisy at the student organizations, but I think going to the school or to the advisors is crossing the line into busybodihood. If you are out to make an example of a 17-year-old of whom you don’t approve, I’m not with you on that. If you are trying to make certain other parents are aware of something problematic their child may be hiding from them, so they can best help their child – that I’m down with.</p>
<p>I should also fess up that I, too, spied on my kids when they were in high school, especially during a period when I knew there were issues with one of them. But I never, ever acted directly on anything I learned that way. I didn’t want the channels shut down, and I didn’t want to lose their trust (no matter how much I deserved that). So it was all deep background, something to help me know what questions to ask, and when, and what I should be paying attention to.</p>
<p>I have been on both ends of these type of uncomfortable phone calls and vote for finding a way to let the parents know. We really appreciated a heads up to our S’s behavior and definitely did not “shoot the messenger”, but rather thanked them for caring enough to call. In another instance, we alerted the parents of S’s friend to our kids’ joint escapade. Our concern was well received. </p>
<p>Depending on school policies, reporting to them can sometimes really start a snowball of repercussions that you did not intend to start and could be hard on your child. I think it is hard to remain anonymous if you go to the school, info always leaks out. Alerting the parents would be the way I would go. The goal of a friend should be to get the child help, not embarrass or punish. Let the parents take it from there.</p>
<p>This might be a good time for the counselor to remind all students that Facebook and the like are public sights. They may feel private but they are not. With college and job applications in their futures, they need to be mindful of that.</p>
<p>As the mother of a kid who was bullied so badly we had to take him out of school for his own saftey, I also would be hesistant. However, I could not ignore it. What if something happens to this girl while drinking? I couldn’t live with that. </p>
<p>I would not talk to the parents, nor would I talk to the guidance counselor in person. Instead I’d print it out and mail it to the GC at school with a note explaining that I am concerned about the child whose page this is but also concerned about the backlash against my child.</p>
<p>One concern of mine has not been mentioned. A school’s teen drinking culture/norm is propagated when younger students see the school’s student leaders openly flouting rules against underage drinking with no consequences.</p>
<p>As the parent of a younger student, I would worry about the incredibly powerful example and message being provided by a student who pretends (to adults, anyway) that he/she is a leader in advocating an alcohol-free lifestyle for teens – but who is posting for youth peers the photos of his/her personal drinking binges. This individual is actively sabatoging the efforts of a group he/she is pretending to champion. How fair is that to other kids in the group?</p>
<p>I might advocate saying something to the child’s parent or the sponsor of the group out of fairness to the effort that is being compromised by this child’s sabatoge.</p>
<p>I think it’s wrong to be snooping. I think it’s creepy and wrong (and so ‘highschool’) to anonymously leave the pictures somewhere. You are the adult here. </p>
<p>FB isn’t public in the sense that anyone can see your photo as in an open website. You snooped- you weren’t given permission to access the photos. To me this isn’t a justification for what you are considering doing. The media hype about public access is way overblown. I think the vast majority of people who use facebook have their privacy settings correct and those that worry it’s more public to admissions people or employers actually do not use facebook but ‘have heard’ and its simply not valid. </p>
<p>It would be justifiable to report it if your the intention was to help a particular child in distress or in danger (even at your daughter’s expense). An example might be a student threatening suicide. But in this case my sense is your real motive is not to protect her, but simply to rat her out for hypocrisy because you are ‘fed up’ with them blatantly showing you they drink. Big difference (though I can see how you might confuse the two, using one to justify the other).</p>
<p>You might also convince yourself that this is about role models. But seriously most of the younger kids are not friends with the older kids on facebook. I think this is a big stretch that this is the real issue. </p>
<p>Data shows a huge percentage of kids drink in later years in highschool. Do you really need a photo to tell you a student is drinking? If your concern is about preventing particular kids from drinking alcohol, why don’t you ask your daughter for all their names and report each of them to their parents and the school? At best all you will accomplish is she takes her pictures down and do nothing about the behavior that matters most.</p>
<p>I think getting in the middle of it, which will only serve to make yourself feel better and do nothing to fix the bigger problem, all at your daughter’s expense, when she’s asked you not to, is a terrible idea.</p>
<p>Everyone has their own threshold for tolerating inappropriate behavior. As a parent, I totally understand OP’s reaction to the photos. And I don’t think her viewing them was inappropriate. Starbright, as a Facebook user, are you not aware that any one of your friends might leave your profile page open on any computer, anywhere, including the public library, for anyone to see? An expectation of privacy based on FB privacy settings is extremely naive.</p>
<p>Also, would you feel the same about the situation if the photo had been a nude picture of the girl having sex with your kid’s married science teacher? Data shows a huge percentage of kids have sex in later years in high school.</p>
<p>I very much agree with JHS and Post 25 on this. But let’s say you went ahead. Unless you can prove it, chances are that the girl would likely just say that the photos were a joke or that she wasn’t the one doing the drinking. You can’t do a blood alcohol test on a photo. If you really feel that you have no choice, I’d express my concern to the parents directly. I think they deserve the chance to address this before you go over their heads and report to the authorities. </p>
<p>As far as Facebook “snooping” I personally think a parent has a right (these days I almost think it’s to the point of responsibility) to request access to a kid in high school’s Facebook page. That’s fair enough for something that has the potential to be accessed by hundreds or even thousands of people (friends, friends of friends, parents of friends who DO see their kid’s facebook, etc.). That’s not to say that you need to be looking on there all the time - it’s generally enough that your child knows you can. IMO, the issue of public access is not overblown. I cannot tell you how many parents I know have access to their kids’ and therefore all the friends pages, just as in this case. And the proof is right here in this thread - look at how many parents would, in fact, take action.</p>
<p>Bay I do think there is a huge difference between being public and the ability of your friends’ friend reading your fb page. </p>
<p>There is also a huge difference between a teen having sex, and a teen having sex with a married teacher. One is widespread and no I wouldn’t report that; the other is illegal and pretty rare and something worth reporting. </p>
<p>Someone posing in pictures with alcohol doesn’t prove one is drinking in general, only that one thinks it’s cool. Likewise kids not posting such photos on FB does not tell you they do not drink.</p>
<p>If one feels they can stop a particular teen from drinking or reduce teen drinking in general by identifying and reporting the offenders, they could be much more effective by merely asking around and/or visiting parties unannounced. They have a giant (yet easy) task ahead. If these photos are worth reporting, then so too should be these other actions.</p>
<p>Don’t get me wrong. I think drinking is a serious problem among teens and I wish I knew the solution to prevent its use, abuse and consequences- not just for my child but children in general. </p>
<p>But I fail to see any real value in pursuing this particular situation. I think this is about being vindictive and has nothing to do with protecting this teen.</p>
<p>There is also a difference between snooping behind your kids back and having an agreement with your teen. I see nothing wrong with viewing your child’s facebook page if that’s the deal and understanding; entirely different if they don’t know about it (which is what I would call snooping). I also wouldn’t read my child’s diary without their permission even if it was for a ‘good cause’.</p>
<p>OP, open a new, free, “concernedparent@” email account at gmail, yahoo, hotmail, etc., copy the whole FB page, paste it into an email and send it to the girl’s parents. Include this link: [teen</a> drunk driver dead - Google Search](<a href=“teen drunk driver dead]teen - Google Search”>teen drunk driver dead - Google Search). Done.</p>
<p>When my daughter was in high school, the VP spent hours searching Myspace and then Facebook when it became available to high schoolers. Many students were called in and suspended because of pictures that in anyway reflected badly on the school. </p>
<p>I think the question is would you want to know if that was your daughter? And how would feel if you heard that girl was involved in a harmful situation where drinking was involved?</p>
<p>I would have no qualms about giving a heads up to the guidance or school counselor. They can check it out and take it from there.</p>
<p>My threshold for “tattling” or “when a responsible person should be told” has always been:</p>
<p>“Is it a health or safety issue?”</p>
<p>In this case, it’s both. Tell the parents. Tell the school. Tell the girl yourself that she shouldn’t be doing this. Tell your daughter that she can apologize for you if she has to, but that you need to be able to sleep nights. </p>
<p>BTW, the school principal might want to be examining the school’s drugs and alcohol policy. You might want to suggest it.</p>
<p>Tell the young lady what you saw on her Facebook and warn her of the dangers. Sometimes these kids don’t get it until someone actually sees the stuff and says something. THey think they have an aura of protection around them. My son had some pics that I did not want on his Facebook, and I told him to remove them, and he did. I also told another one of my kids to change the privacy setting of his account, which he did. I told one young lady who is a friend’s daughter to clean up the language on one of her accounts because I was hearing talk about it and if she didn’t want to hurt her job prospects, it would be a good idea to clean up things. </p>
<p>I didn’t make a big scene about the situations. In all cases, they seemed surprise that anyone would say anything. They also immediately cleaned up their sites.</p>
<p>Lafulum, we have also had a couple of girls in our area die in what appear to be alcohol-related incidents in which no driving was involved. Both face down in water. One attended my daughter’s school. So, I take teen drinking very seriously and also know it happens and is going to happen.</p>
<p>The question that dmd raised is: Do we have evidence that this is a health and safety issue? Does your daughter know that this girl does lots of drinking? This decision about one girl is different than a campaign against high school drinking, so the question is really whether the girl is or might be endangering herself due to her behavior. If not, do nothing. If yes, then figure out what to do.</p>
<p>Choices: Direct meeting with parents. Pros: Very responsible. Cons: Potential backlash against daughter and maybe you.</p>
<p>Anonymous email with link. Pros: Get info to parent. Protect daughter. Cons: Parents would feel weirdly spied upon. Might ignore.</p>
<p>Contact with Guidance Counselor. Pros: You’re out of it. Parent may take more seriously. Cons: Might still suffer backlash. The girl might get kicked out of ECs (meaning she’s the only one of 50%+ of the students who drink who got reported). I’d stay away from this one if you are worried about backlash.</p>
<p>One other possibility. Do you have a friend who is friends with the parents? Might they talk to the parents? [“I’ve heard that you might want to take a look at Mary’s FB page.”] Cons: Your daughter might get the backlash. Pros: Delivery much more credible. Parents can decide if there is a problem and how they want to deal with it.</p>
<p>Final choice suggested by cptofthehouse. I like it. Backlash could be a problem, but you are letting the kid take care of it without getting her into trouble with anyone else. Save a copy of the page for future reference if there is a problem later.</p>