To the dads out there:

Parent Cafe
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<p>I have a father, but he’s alcoholic and you know how it is. I think my parents love me, but they’re almost never there. In reality, I’m being raised by my older brother. Fyi, I’m 13 but will be graduating high school in 2 years. </p>

<p>To the dads out there: What advice would you give to a teenage boy like me? about school, sports, girls, love, life, anything really. Any important lessons you learned in your life that you wish to pass on? Mistakes to avoid? Things you wish you had done? How was the growing up experience different for you?</p>

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<p>My husband’s mom was an alcoholic, and here’s the one piece of advice I’d give you. Don’t drink. The odds are excellent, if you have an alcoholic father, that you have the potential to be one too (there is some research indicating a genetic component).</p>

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<p>Oh, man. First, you are bearing some handicaps but Life doesn’t cut you any slack just because you’ve been dealt same. You are probably unaware of all the dimensions, accepting much as “normal” that isn’t. I have a strong aversion to self-help books. One of the two that I make an exception for is ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCHOLICS, by Judith Woititz, which is one of the few knock-me-on-the-butt books that I’ve read.</p>

<p>It rasises more than a dozen issues, Things to Think About, some of which I’m not wild about discussing in a public forum. I’ll make a side bet and suggest that your jaw will drop when you read some of them.</p>

<p>Beyond that, for all people but for children of alcoholics in particular, I would offer this advice: take risks. But do so intelligently. But recognize that when you have the courage to take a risk and have done so intelligently, things still won’t always work out. But having encountered failure, have the courage to risk again. Intelligently.</p>

<p>One of the most screwed up things about being the child of an alcoholic is that quite often, even in your age-appropriate immaturity as a child or teen, you have it more together than those who are nominally supposed to be protecting you and helping you grow. There’s often a “aw, gee, it’s not so bad” reaction to doing so that it may take a decade or three, if ever, to distill and get a balanced perspective on.</p>

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<p>sagekid~I am so sorry that you are living with this situation. It sounds like your brother is probably doing his best to raise you, but it always helps to have more advice from someone older. </p>

<p>I’m not a Dad (just a Mom!!), but I think you should certainly think about going to Alateen meetings if there are any near your home. They are especially designed to help teens in your situation.</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/[/url]”>www.al-anon.alateen.org/</a></p>

<p>is the website you should check out to get more information as to whether or not you have these services nearby!</p>

<p>Hugs to you~I will keep you and your brother in my prayers!</p>

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<p>sagekid~</p>

<p>My heart goes out to you…it really does. Though NO parent is ever the <em>perfect</em> parent, some can make the growing up process much, much more difficult. I am so very glad that even at your tender age, you are able to recognize that it would be wise to reach out to others for help and advice. To me, this is THE most important thing that you can do, given your situation.</p>

<p>I grew up in a very dysfunctional family myself, and the scars have been significant. I had to enter into this parenting thing with the only clear ideas being what I DIDN’T want to do. But that left a whole lotta leeway in the “What I DID want to do” category. The thing is, you CAN gain the maturity, insight, knowledge and wisdom you will need in your life…you will simply have to go to other sources for it.</p>

<p>Though I am also a mom (like irish), I would be glad to offer any advice/opinions to you. If you have specific questions, feel free to ask them and also, feel free to pm any time. You sound like a fabulous kid, and I wish you all the best. </p>

<p>fondly, ~berurah</p>

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<p>Just to add to others’ sage words: your father has a chronic disease, and you can’t fix him. He may recover from it someday, or he may not. But just because he has this disease doesn’t mean he loves you any less, even if it makes him prone to do very stupid things.</p>

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<p>sagekid - I am also the son of an alcoholic and no doubt it is very tough on you, your brother, and everyone in the family (including your dad). From the tone of your post, I can see that you are already determined not to fall into the well of drug dependency (and alcohol is a drug) that now plagues your father. Also, it’s obvious that you have strong academic talents. Dream big and then do everything in your power to make your dreams a reality. My dream was to strike out on my own from my small blue collar town and try out life in the “big city” - Philadelphia in my junior and senior year in high school and Pittsburgh and Chicago in my college years. </p>

<p>Do you have a grandparent, uncle, aunt, coach, teacher, or minister that you admire and that knows you pretty well? If possible, also try to share with that person some of the things going on in your life. Just having a listening ear (like the post you wrote) from someone who you care about can be wonderful.</p>

<p>Know that the cycle of alcoholism can be broken. My older sister, brother, and I do not touch booze and we’ve passed that on to our kids. You and your brother are going to make it!</p>

<p>It’s going to be very difficult, but try as much as you can not to heap guilt and blame on your dad. Bitterness toward him will only pull you down. That’s where dreaming big and then working to make your dreams a reality will help give you the strength to make it through the hard times. Then tell yourself again and again that you are not going to follow the self-destructive path your dad has followed</p>

<p>Feel free to pm me any time.</p>

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<p>i’m the daughter of a former alcoholic single mom… yea it sucks.
i guess a key’d be… to set your own path. there isnt much i can say right now since i’m still so young, but i’m going to a great college in massachusetts next year (fyi my mom had dropped out of high school) and i am so happy to leave home!!! <em>sigh</em></p>

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<p>I was touched by your call for help, sagekid, both because I have a son your age (13) and because my father was an alcoholic. I think it is important that you and your brother do not underestimate the effects that your distorted family situation have on you, and that you understand that you will be able to live very differently than your parents do, but perhaps only if you understand and deal with the issues. I agree with Irish - run, don’t walk, to the nearest Alateen meeting, and take your brother along. I went to Al-anon meetings for about a year during my early adult years, and they made all the difference. I also benefited from reading books such as the one TheDad recommended; there are quite a few out there. And I’m not a support group/self-help person, either.</p>

<p>There were 10 children in my family, and only one brother is an alcoholic. The rest of us drink either normally or very minimally. I do worry about my two sons, because there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, but then I was careful to marry someone who barely drinks at all, and who has no alcoholism in his family. I hope his genes are beating out mine, at least in this regard!</p>

<p>I hasten to add that I loved and respected my father, who died last fall, very much, and would give anything to have him back. I also love my mother deeply and think the world of her. Both of my parents dealt with very difficult situations during childhood, and I believe that the alcohol/drug use was self-medication. There are much better ways available now to deal with problems.</p>

<p>Feel free to PM me if you’d like.</p>

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<p>Hi, I’m flattered that this thread was bookmarked. I sense that most of you sound worried… don’t be. It makes me even more worried :). I checked out the Al-Anon/Alateen link and was able to locate the nearest meeting from my place (about 50 miles- i live in a rural area). i’m not sure how i’ll make it to one, but i know it’s important and will keep a mental note of that. Thanks for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it. I will also check out the books mentioned on this thread. </p>

<p>my dad’s alcoholism is on and off and that’s part of what makes the whole thing even more stressful… having the fear of it striking again after a period soberness.</p>

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<p>Sagekid,
A wonderful book that you may find helpful is “A Guide to Recovery” by Herb Gravitz. It is focused on adult children of alcoholics, but there is lots of info that a thoughtful teen like you could find very helpful. This includes learning how to overcome the effects of never knowing what to expect from an alcoholic parent because of their erratic behavior and the fact that they may have periods of sobriety that suddenly end.
It is a very supportive book that emphasizes that you aren’t sick, bad or crazy (Unfortunately, many offspring of alcoholics think that something is wrong with themselves). It also gives very good advice that includes things about life skills that your parents may not have told you.</p>

<p>You can get it used on Amazon for as little as $1.</p>

<p>I used to work in the substance abuse treatment field, and this is the best book that I’ve ever seen for offspring of alcoholics.</p>

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<p>Bumping this thread up.</p>

<p>Once again, I <3 cc. Wonderful, caring parents. Strong, motivated kids.</p>

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<p>three big ones …</p>

<p>First, dmd77 got it right … if you have alcoholics close to you in your family watch out for any addictive substances (alcohol, drugs, tobacco, etc) … advice I follow myself</p>

<p>Second, if you family does not provide a great role model of how a family should be find and learn from families that do … I have stolen many parenting ideas from 1) my Uncle’s and 2) my HS girl friend’s families … there was SO MUCH I learned from them. </p>

<p>Third, find a trusted adult who will unconditionally let you talk to them about anything … with an understanding adult sounding board many issues are much easier to deal with.</p>

<p>It sounds like you got dealt a lousy hand … best wishes pushing past those challenges!</p>

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<p>Remember that if you talk to an adult you trust, he or she may still tell you things that you don’t want to hear.</p>

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<p>Maybe some of you who have experienced an alcoholic parent can comment on this:</p>

<p>I have often heard Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) say that they struggle with trying to be “pleasers” and also with “hiding the truth” because they grew up “covering up” for a parent’s drinking. I think the desire to “please” others may come from wanting to avoid the “flack” from what one friend told me was an “ugly drunk” (drinkers who get nasty after a few drinks). </p>

<p>My m-in-law’s dad was an alcoholic She rarely drinks (just a glass of wine now and then) and she thinks growing up with her dad made it difficult for her to “speak her mind” about things that bother her or to “correct” others bad behavior (she was even afraid to tell her own kids when they misbehaved AND she has never told her husband when he has done something that annoys her.)</p>

<p>If there are some here on CC that have some real insight into this please add, cuz this child and maybe others may benefit.</p>

<p>As others have suggested to this young person: Definately surround yourself with “healthy” people and good male role models. That way you will “learn” what normal is. From what I understand from others is that it is hard to know what IS normal under these situations. Watch how healthy people interact and how they handle stress. Watch how they manage their anger – maybe they take a walk, etc. By watching others, you will get the modeling that you will need for your adult life.</p>

<p>My heart breaks when I hear these stories. You never know what goes on behind closed doors…</p>

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<p>Jlaurer,
What you describe is true. The same thing also can happen when people get so into pleasing their spouse or romantic partners that they totally forget what things make themselves happy. </p>

<p>Their are people who grew up in controlling, alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional homes who don’t even know what their favorite colors are or what TV shows they like. </p>

<p>Participating in groups like Codependants Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholic or Al-Anon all can help greatly as can reading some of the books that were suggested earlier in this thread.</p>

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<p>Their are people who grew up in controlling, alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional homes who don’t even know what their favorite colors are or what TV shows they like.<<<</p>

<p>OMG That explains so much about my m-i-l. She has spent her life trying to please her spouse (who died in Feb) that she has NO IDEA what she likes on her own! Now I understand more about what is going on… Thanks.</p>

<p>Anymore insights?</p>

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<p>I really recommend that “Guide to Recovery,” book, which one can get on Amazon. </p>

<p>I also suggest loving your MIL for who she is. When you see signs that she likes something, let her know that you notice that and it’s OK or interesting. This particularly would be true if her viewpoint differs from you. It could be helpful for her to know that it is really OK if she has needs/perspectives/likes that differ from her friends and family.</p>

<p>Here’s some other links that can help you understand your MIL: <a href=“http://www.couns.uiuc.edu/brochures/adult.htm[/url]”>http://www.couns.uiuc.edu/brochures/adult.htm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Here’s a link to the self-help group Adult Children of Alcholics, and a description of those whom they serve:</p>

<p>"Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or other dysfunctional households.</p>

<p>We had come to feel isolated, and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat. </p>

<p>We either became alcoholics ourselves, married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment. </p>

<p>We lived live from the standpoint of victims. Having an over developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted ourselves, giving in to others. We became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. </p>

<p>We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. We keep choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents. </p>

<p>These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us ‘co-victims’, those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and keep them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we often confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. </p>

<p>Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable solutions. </p>

<p>This is a description, not an indictment. " <a href=“http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Problem.s[/url]”>http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Problem.s&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>SageKid, you have gotten terrific advice from the many caring wonderful parents on CC. I also think your name, “Sage” kid is appropo because you sound like a wise and amazing kid. </p>

<p>I just want to say that I hope you will really re-read what Mini said and take this to heart because it is very true and I am glad he wrote this to you:</p>

<p>“Just to add to others’ sage words: your father has a chronic disease, and you can’t fix him. He may recover from it someday, or he may not. But just because he has this disease doesn’t mean he loves you any less, even if it makes him prone to do very stupid things.”</p>

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<p>Northstar: </p>

<p>thanks so much for all the info. Since I dont’ have any alcoholism in my family, I just didn’t know what was going on with my m-i-l. Since she is not an alcoholic but has the remaining effects from her own alcoholic father, her kids (including my H) were not aware of these issues either. </p>

<p>Maybe there needs to be a look at how the children of children of alcoholics are also affected – since they are/were raised by such an affected parent. In my H’s case, since their mom never/rarely expressed any preferences and was such a pleaser, many/most of her kids don’t either know how to express their preferences or even know that THEY have preferences. (They may privately have choices, they just don’t know how to express them)</p>