I don’t have many regrets in life to be honest. But one thing I do regret is not being there when my kids were born. I chickened out. I just couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want to see blood, the agony, the pain, the possibility that it would go tragically wrong and I think part of it was because I always hold my emotions in check and I knew I would completely and utterly break down at this event.
When my first son was born I wasn’t even in town anyway. I had just accepted a new job and my son’s mother, we were not officially married at the time, hell, we were still getting to know each other and the number of words I knew in Spanish was almost as few as she knew in English. So I went to start my new job and her doctor told her she was too pregnant to travel. He didn’t want her having the baby in transit. So she stayed behind with her mom and two sisters and as soon as everything was set up, new apartment, all that, I sent for her. The baby was 4 months old the first time I saw him.
About three and a half years later I had another chance. I took her to the hospital and had son #1 in the car seat and went home. Like I said, I chickened out. It would have been to intense for me. I’ve read that nature makes this event so intense that it turns anyone, no matter how detached, into mush. I am reminded of this because a friend just posted something on Facebook about how much the birth of her first son changed her life. Nature doesn’t make it easy, especially for the mothers, which I suppose is nature’s way of saying you must not mess this up. You must take this seriously.
I’m not sure this post has any point but I must ask, for the other dads out there, did you witness your children being born, were you in the room, and if you did was it beyond description with words? How did being there affect you?
As an OB-GYN my husband had obviously delivered hundreds of babies by the time ours were born, and thousands since, but there was nothing like the thrill of ours. Of course, he wasn’t “yucked out” by the physical aspect! He’s had dads faint and so forth.
While dad in the delivery room is the norm for 98% of his patients, there are some where the dad prefers not to be there - squeamish, etc. I think the big thing is whether the mom is aligned to / ok with it, or whether she feels or felt hurt / unsupported / left alone. You don’t mention that aspect.
OP, I can’t speak directly to your question, since I’m a mom and had no choice about being there. (Although even I didn’t have to watch lol.) But here are my thoughts FWIW:
Men, including my husband, speak of witnessing their childrens’ birth as being among the highlights and most moving experiences of their lives. However, I’ve never heard a child speak of it that way. In the end, what matters is what happens in the 18-22 years AFTER the delivery room. While I understand that you regret having missed it, your value as a father is only measured many years later. Your legacy is the child/ren you raised, and that pretty much has nothing to do with the delivery room.
I also get why you chose to skip it. It is indeed very intense. Personally, I think a lot of fathers wouldn’t volunteer to do it, at least not the first time, if there weren’t almost an ironclad expectation these days. So if you didn’t have that kind of relationship with the mother of your second son, I understand why you chose not to be there.
Thos is SO true, Lasma, and a really good point. There’s a lot of crap thrown at new mothers these days about what happens in the delivery room - as if in the end it matters at all whether baby came out through the birth canal, through an incision, or for that matter placed in your arms via adoption. It’s such utter nonsense and it’s hurtful in the extreme to women. Thank you for pointing out that piece.
I sense the OP isn’t necessarily worrying about it from the standpoint of bonding with his kids, but rather did he miss out on a life-changing experience.
I saw both the C-section and the vaginal delivery. Since I was a veterinarian, the surgeon had me right on his shoulder for the C-section. I delivered thousands of horse babies, and parts are parts. There’s no magic in watching the birth. In fact, it is a somewhat disgusting process, as are many bodily functions. Feel no regrets. It’s the end product that counts. You might have given some support to your wife, but maybe not. They are all different in the throws of labor. If your wife didn’t mind, then don’t worry that you missed the little blue, cheese-covered bundle of joy rip his/her way to the outside world. They are much more wonderful to behold about 10 minutes after the act.
I’m a mom. So, while I was there for the birth of both my daughters, I didn’t get to see most of it.
And my son?? He was born a world away, in Korea. And it doesn’t matter in the slightest. We weren’t even aware of his existence until a few months later, when we made it to the top of the list and got the call from the adoption agency.
What matters is the life you give to your kids-- the love, the guidance, the help when they need it. What zip code you were in when they were born is immaterial.
My guess is that if you’re on this site, you’ve been beating yourself up over this for at least a decade, probably closer to two. I say you give yourself the same forgiveness you would give to someone else who had posted the same thing.
On the day when our second child was born, our carefully planned babysitting arrangements for our three-year-old fell through, and my husband had to take the three-year-old home with him after dropping me at the hospital.
The first time, he was being a spectator. The second time, he was being a father. He was doing what his family needed, and that’s what matters.
Many women talk about how wonderful it is to be pregnant and giving birth. For me, I would have been happy if I could have skipped right over that and just had my babies. I didn’t enjoy being pregnant and there was nothing magical about getting my babies out. I bonded with my kids when they were born, the first I laid my eyes on them. As others have said, what matters is the effort and love you gave them after they were born. My kid’s dad was there for my benefit. I needed him to be there to be my support. He made it easier and less scarier for me. I doubt he got much out of it for himself.
My husband has always been with me, but he said he was not in the room, he was next door. I know some other husband was in there with a video camera and such. Recording every detail. But not my husband and I’m glad.
But I love the pregnancy time, no morning sickness, and the vitamins made me feel good.
I’ve never given birth, but I watched a documentary called “The Business of Being Born” and it’s about maternal health in the US. The agony and pain you speak of usually happens in hospitals where they are primarily concerned about getting the baby out quickly rather than actually doing that’s best for the mother. Logically, a mother should give birth standing up so gravity brings the baby downwards and out. But hospitals generally make mothers lie on their back and thus, they put more effort into labor. Home births with a doula are not nearly as painful or agonizing. Again, I’ve never had a baby, but that’s what the documentary says.
I don’t know some women don’t have childbirth pain. One of my aunts gave birth so fast she didn’t have time for anything. She is still strong and healthy in her 80s, slight eye problem like glaucoma, last time I’ve heard.
My H was there for the birth of all our girls, including one who was born on his birthday. It wasn’t until years later when he was talking to our son-in-law prior to the birth of our first grandchild and I overheard him say that he would recommend attending to every dad as it was such a wonderful experience. It’s funny but we had never discussed it and it made me tear up a bit to hear him say it. He’s been a wonderful dad for 34 years now, and of course, that’s far more important but he is still so grateful that he was able to see his girls enter the world.
I agree that this is all water under the bridge. No point in re-visiting, and how you are NOW as a father and partner is more important.
BUT: There may be a time in the future when your SO is in a vulnerable position which involves blood or any other number of physical horrors. I hope that you would be able to overcome the feeling that you “just can’t handle it” or that it would be “too intense.” At that point it needs to be about what your loved one needs, not you. And if she wants and needs your presence and support, I hope that you would find a way to give it.
My husband is the squeamish type. He fainted when I was brought back to my room after having gallbladder surgery. Whey I asked him why, he said it was because I “looked pale.”
When I had our daughter, he did a panic disappearing act after finding out the vaginal birth wasn’t going to work out. I was having an emergent c-section, so they paged him overhead. He arrived finally, held my hand and cooed into my ear, and survived the birth. I really would have felt abandoned if he had not been able to cope.
Second daughter, same ordeal, same disappearing act, same “Mr Nrdsb4 please report to OR 5,” and same ultimate re-appearance.
“Logically, a mother should give birth standing up so gravity brings the baby downwards and out. But hospitals generally make mothers lie on their back and thus, they put more effort into labor. Home births with a doula are not nearly as painful or agonizing. Again, I’ve never had a baby, but that’s what the documentary says.”
Please don’t get me started on this. This documentary is full of nonsense and contractions have little to do with gravity. My H has had to rescue far too many home births gone bad and of course bear the legal liability for a patient he had no say-so in management, because the home birth midwives can just walk away and pretend they were just there as friends. I don’t even want to start on the case my FIL presided over of a breech baby who died because some midwife playacting above her knowledge base didn’t know what she was doing. The stats on home births in the U.S. are abysmal. They aren’t comparable to other countries where the midwives are trained and know when they are in over their heads. As someone about to go to a research uni, you should use science, not woo, to make medical decisions.
What’s past is past.
Whats most important that you don’t use past regrets to negatively impact your current relationship.
We originally planned to have our eldest at the Birthplace, assisted by a midwife, and with family and friends making chicken soup downstairs in the kitchen while I labored.
Instead, I had an emergency section, in the university hospital with the level III NICU, ten weeks early, with a room full of people that I had never seem before in my life, except H, who stood by my head, until it was time for her to be " born". Then they held her up so he could see her, and ran down the hall. I didn’t actually see her until they rolled me by her warming bed in the NICU, a little while later on the way to recovery.
I had been at another hospital since a day or two before, but I guess we were so anxious and preoccupied, that the only people we called, were Hs parents, who had his SLR. They passed it off to him in the parking lot, they didn’t want to come in.
Just like a wedding doesnt necessarily have any relation to the strenght or character of your marriage, the actual birth doesn’t have a lot to do with your parenting skills.
However, I will say for future moms, if you are without contraindications, a doula/ midwife staffed birthing center, would be my first pick.
@Calicash, home births are appropriate only for a certain subset of mothers. And even they need to have someone on hand who knows when to say when in the event of complications. Many of these births go so well, and naturally many others want to have the same experience.
I had 9 pound, almost 10 lb babies. No way possible to give birth vaginally, whether at home or in hospital. Of course at the time, I didn’t know I had a very small pelvic outlet that couldn’t have accommodated even a 6 lb. baby. If I had tried to give birth at home, things might not have gone well if I weren’t attended by an expert who was able to recognize that a home birth was not in the cards and was not safe or appropriate. I think a lot of the bad outcomes which occur in home births happen because no one wants to give up on the dream even once things start to go wrong. It’s a denial of sorts, and this is the time when desires collide with reality. Not good.
In absolutely no way am I looking forward to pregnancy or childbirth. The thought of both gives me the creeps. But I’ll be damned if my partner won’t be there suffering along with me (barring, of course, extenuating circumstances). I want to be drugged up and as oblivious as possible but he still best be right there by my side.
@CaliCash - I went through hours and hours of labor walking around the hospital when I stopped progressing. It was intensely painful, but I certainly would have made it without the epidural I finally got. However, I was awfully glad to be in a hospital when my D had to be rushed to the NICU after she (finally) arrived.
Pretty sure the whole experience scarred my husband, but he did manage to make it back to the delivery room for the second child!
(Although even I didn’t have to watch lol.) But here are my thoughts FWIW: