Tough decision: to withdraw

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My freshman son came home for Christmas, from a respectable public out-of-state school, saying “maybe we shouldn’t talk about my grades”. What a very difficult time to think about such things !! </p>

<p>The advice I’d been given during the semester was “to let him do what he’s gonna do” and with FERPA or Foo-pah privacy rules or whatever …I wasn’t party to knowing his “scores” until I’d demanded them at a time when there was a new big bill for the coming semester. </p>

<p>He’d been a good student in a parochial high school until he’d learned midway through Jr. year that he was not being advanced as a candidate for Natl. Honors Society Jr. year for “lack of leadership”. We had some idea that this might have caused some disappointment but maybe not depression. He says that was “a problem”. </p>

<p>He then had some “Senioritis”, as it was identified. We allowed that since his school was very demanding, in all ways. We also allowed him some leeway because he was playing varsity team sports and we all knew that High School would really be an end-of-the-line for sports of that kind. </p>

<p>He applied to 6 or 8 good schools and was accepted at all. </p>

<p>However, what he brought home for Christmas was a GPA of 0.00 or a great CRY for help.
We had him counseled as soon as we possibly could, and he said there that he’d put his own odds at only 50/50 – to do better. </p>

<p>It has been a tough, prayerful and sleepless time to be a kid and a parent. There was lots of pressure to “give him a 2nd chance”. His high school school counselor said, "Don’t be a “one and run”. </p>

<p>We decided, instead, that it seems a very good opportunity to withdraw and “re-group” and have more counseling and probably testing and to do some minimum wage or volunteer work to acquaint with the value of a dollar. School is not now a priority. Tough times aren’t over: he’ll miss his friends horribly.</p>

<p>I (the Dad) just thought I’d share this…but I’m sure we are not alone. The best thing to happen was that our son said, “I’m relieved” with your making that decision.</p>

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<p>CaptMark - Your S is still the capable hardworking kid he was in HS, the same kid who was accepted at all colleges he applied to. Obviously there’s something BIG going on, and I think it’s a wise decision for him to withdraw and spend a few months finding and fixing whatever that BIG thing is. JMHO. Best of luck.</p>

3

<p>I am sorry you and your son are going through this, but you clearly made the right decision. The important thing for now is NOT college but for him to examine what is going on (seems to be depression) and figure out where he wants to go from here. A low-level job is a great idea. This type situation is much more common than we on this forum realize, and it is really wonderful that your relationship with your son is so good that he was comfortable (as comfortable as one can be bringing home that GPA) being honest with you and trusting your decision instead of doing something drastic out of shame or disappointment.<br>
One of the most impressive PhD psychologists I ever met flunked out of school freshman year and worked at Sizzler for a year before regrouping and going back to school.
I applaud you and your family. Please keep us updated.</p>

4

<p>My condolences; and yes, this is not uncommon. It will be very hard for your son to be cut-off from his friends, but hopefully he can work at a place with good and positive social opportunities, as he figures out where he wants to go with his life. :)</p>

5

<p>I teach at a cc, but during the summers I work in the college advising center and have run into similar situations. Often students show up at a cc wanting to enroll because they have been placed on academic suspension by their home college. We honor that academic suspension and do not enroll them. If they were to lie about it and become enrolled, their grades/credits for the semester are typically not then accepted as transfer credit when they leave us. I used to think it was harsh to force them to lay out of school for a semester, but the wise and experienced head of counseling services for our school finally convinced me that it is the best thing and that. in addition to no school, parents should have that child get a minimum wage job with terrible working conditions (dirty, hot, etc.). As mentioned by previous posters, learning experiences don’t always occur at academic institutions.</p>

<p>I think you have made a wise decision.</p>

6

<p>My hat is off to you CaptMark - you were actually a PARENT. Something it seems harder and harder to find these days. You and your family made the decision that was the more difficult, but was the right decision. We once made a decision that was definitely the right decision, but many other parents we knew were appalled because it made life harder for US (!?!?!). I just told them that our parental decisions are never based on what is easiest for us, but what we felt were best for our child at the time. Isn’t that what parenting is suppose to be? I wish you and your son all the best. He will come out on the other side of this shining and already sounds very grateful that you intervened.</p>

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<p>Working at a minimum wage job might not have the desired effect. If he needs a new peer group he might end up with new friends that don’t have much ambition to move forward. If he does not feel the effect of low wages (lack of personal comforts) or low skilled job (monotony, boredom) he might not think the job and lifestyle are lacking.</p>

<p>I always suggest a complete physical when people this age show major changes in their behavior. Bloodtests, hormone levels etc.</p>

<p>I think you are on the right track. If he is home it will enable you to quietly monitor his behavior and look for red flags. One community colege course might help keep him in in touch with struggling students with some ambition.</p>

<p>Talk to his school and see if he can get a medical withdrawl or see what his options might be (leave of absence) if he has not already been asked to leave.</p>

<p>Check your health insurance policy and make sure he is still covered under yours if not enrolled in college.</p>

<p>Good luck. Remember this is no ones fault. Something is wrong and you are in the beginning stages of figuring out what it is. Just a family effort to help him out in a tough patch. Sometimes our lives just don’t run as smoothly as we would like but it’s ok as long as you all stick together.</p>

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<p>I am wondering if there was a choice. Does any school continue emrollment with a 0.0 GPA?
In our experiences a GPA of <2.0 gets one suspended.</p>

9

<p>When a capable person becomes nonfunctional consider the possible causes including drugs/alcohol, depression and other mental or medical conditions.</p>

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<p>You have my sympathy and it sounds like you are doing the right thing. You might be surprised how many people go through something similar. All these kids go off to college with trumpets heralding their wonderful acceptances, but they slink back very quietly after a variety of setbacks; too much partying, drugs, depression, not attending class, you name it they have done it. When our son regrouped at home and started attending the local community college he would regularly run into former hs classmates that also started out going away to college.</p>

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<p>Mominva–under 2.0 at schools I have worked at and/or dealt with personally usually puts a student on academic probation, not suspension. I don’t know about a 0.0, though; at some point a GPA of a certain level might trigger an immediate suspension. however, that is not germaine to the OP’s situation at this point.</p>

<p>I concur with others that you are doing the right thing in taking the time to get your son on track. I also share the caution espoused by sax about a minimum wage job which settles him into an atmosphere of low expectations. I think a low-level job which exposes him to other paths might be something to look into, or one where he can feel part of something important. For instance, my S, who voluntarily withdrew during his senior college year with issues to deal with, works for an environmental nonprofit as a canvasser. It’s hard, often uncomfortable work (out in all the worst weather, physically demanding–he walked for miles on icy roads the other night), but he works with idealistic, interesting people, and feels good about what he does. It has taken him outside himself in good ways. </p>

<p>Actuallly, I think there is a healing component to being outside, and any kind of outside work can be beneficial, and physically healthful, too.</p>

<p>This is not to say that one won’t get a good education in life flipping burgers. The people working at McD’s have lives worth learning about, too. But it’s another angle to think about.</p>

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<p>I do not want to sound judgmental or presuming, but are you sure that depression is the reason for his bad grades? Depression in general can be part of any situation or problem, but it does not sound like that is the culprit in this case. As a freshman at college currently, I have seen more alcohol and drugs here than I have seen in my entire life (and I can gladly say I took no part in any of it). I can totally see a student without parental guidance getting wrapped up in the party scene at a school and just let all of his work go away. This especially can be true if he found friends who lived this lifestyle. He seems like a smart kid who needs a slap on the wrist for wasting $5k of his parents’ money to party. I think what you are doing by making him work a part time job is a good idea. It may, however, be a good idea to get him enrolled in a college (possible community college) nearby to where you, his parents, live. That way, he would not be able to just blow off another semester/quarter.</p>

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<p>I have a different (and probably less experienced) point of view than some of the other posters here, but I’ll give it a shot. My gut tells me that a large state univ was not the right fit for your son, and any medical/emotional issues that he was experiencing compounded the problem. It sounds like the guy sort of “checked out” and needs a different environment to get him back on track. If he were my son, I would probably look at small colleges such as those examined by Lauren Pope in Colleges that Change Lives to find a place that would provide him with the intellectual stimulation he needs (sounds like he has a brain between his ears) but in a more supervised, nuturing environment, with any necessary counseling on hand. I also sense that if he was a varsity athlete, he has an edge - it just needs to be sharpened. Don’t many schools - particularly smaller LACs - have January/Feb start dates? This type of place could help give him the jump-start that he needs right now.</p>

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<p>Congratulations on making a tough - but in my opinion - correct decision. </p>

<p>The term I have heard used for this pattern is a “yo yo” kid (great kids, head off to great schools with high expectations, back home again inside of a year). It happens to the best of kids for a variety of reasons. It can be poor fit, lack of maturity, physical problems, mental problems, drugs, alcohol, homesickness, loss of boy/girl friend - all reasons I have heard in the past.</p>

<p>Where to go from here is of course the question. I think the key is to build a plan - with his help - and then work with him to execute on that plan. Make it small steps so that he can see progress right away.</p>

<p>1) I’d start by asking his existing school give him a leave of absence. While it may be unlikely that he will end up back there, I don’t see any reason to close that door if you can avoid it.</p>

<p>2) I’d look for a part time, as professional as possible job. Waiting tables or mopping the floors at the local burger joint is not going to make things better. Find that ASAP. The wonderful economy won’t make that any easier.</p>

<p>3) Enroll in 1-2 classes at the local JC fitting it around the work schedule. Having a light load will allow him to focus and have a success. Getting a 0.00 has to have been major blow to his ego - and getting back into the flow and being successful will help.</p>

<p>4) Get a complete physical - with a full panel of blood work to eliminate any issues in that area. Thyroid problems and Hormone imbalances knocked out two very bright kids in this area.</p>

<p>Good luck and let us know how it turns out.</p>

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<p>I join the others admiring your handling of this very tough situation. And wish the best for your son. I also thank you for posting, as I think this is not so uncommon. On this site, where so many stories are those of the uber-achievers, or - in the alternative - parents or students looking to make excuses and find ways out of problem situations, I think it is more than refreshing to see your honest assessment and direct handling of what’s happened.</p>

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<p>I think a lot of kids get through high school by an emotional thread. They LOOK like they are high achievers and have it all together, but there is SO much pressure on them that they are really one step away from a meltdown. I think that’s why you see so much of this type of complete shutdown once they get to college.</p>

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<p>Agree with keepitsimple. After dealing with medical/psychological issues, look to a different kind of school environment for his return to college.</p>

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<p>CaptMark:
My very best to you, your son and family as you navigate the next steps.
I am sure that you are very worried about what this all may mean–your son clearly has something major to deal with. And then, as parents, so will you.</p>

<p>I read your post with great empathy as I’ve held my breath almost every semester and wondered if that would be me writing about my own kids.</p>

<p>I truly hope you will keep us up to date with what’s happening and how you are coping. Thank you for sharing with all of us a difficult situation. I really believe there are many amazing people on this board who can provide much insight and hope to you.</p>

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<p>I am familiar with two similar freshman boy stories and in my opinion, the OP is definitely doing the right thing. Best wishes to the OP and son.</p>

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<p>Regarding FERPA- I was pleasantly surprised to learn my son had signed a form giving us (his parents) the right to view his grades and other school info. Personally I feel if we are paying the bills we do have the right if we wish to view this information. He was very upfront about his grades when asked during the semester but that’s just the type of kid he is.</p>