Track Coach, 40, weds 16-year-old student

Parent Cafe
61

<p>Well, here goes anecdotal evidence, but who here heard/knew about student/teacher shenanigans back in public high school? </p>

<p>I’ll raise my hand. One student got pregnant by one of our teachers. She ended up having the baby, and HE ended up in custody of it. They never married.</p>

<p>Another friend of mine had a sort of flirtation with a teacher while we were in high school. He was very handsome, and although they never dated, he would send her flowers and stuff (I guess the equivalent of text messaging, IM-ing, etc).</p>

<p>Another teacher routinely tried to get me and a friend to meet him at his t-shirt shop at the beach to try on clothing. He was “Eeeeew” to us, so we never did it.</p>

62

<p>I’ll raise my hand several times (see #56). I also had a high school teacher who was probably 8 years older than me. He had a long affair with a student starting when she was (eeewww) 14. I hear that he later became a principal. The student would now be about 45, and I wonder if she ever came forward and told the school authorities about it. At the time, I think we thought it was kind of cool and exciting, and it went along with the very informal atmosphere of the alternative “free school” section of the high school. (teachers called by their first name, individual learning contracts, and neat stuff like that). In retrospect, bad bad bad bad bad and immoral on his part.</p>

63

<p>I’m surprised you’d take a side in this issue, cgm–abuse is abuse, don’t you think–no matter what institutional umbrella it happens to fall under? Isn’t is a tad odd that every single person knows at least one story about an inappropriate relationship between a teacher and student, and yet studies about it are so rare–if done at all? The study I mentioned was commissioned by the Department of Education. Let’s see, it’s been over three years and still no other study; although, according to this link, it’s a very serious problem. Studies are done about SAT correlation to finger length…and still no study on sex abuse in the schools. Hmmmm…curious.</p>

<p><a href=“News | U.S. Department of Education”>News | U.S. Department of Education;

<p>I also wonder why we don’t hear about these kids suing the pants off of the school systems, as we do about them suing the Catholic church. I just find it very strange.</p>

64

<p>I think the teacher-dating-student bit is wrong, but not because of her age. The dynamic is what freaks me out. I imagine this very sweet couple I know (he’s eighty, she’s seventy) who got married when she was fifteen would agree with me.</p>

65

<p>My H is 11 years older than me, but I can’t even imagine dating him when I was 15. Nor he dating me. Blechhhhh.
Something wrong with that.
Glad we didn’t meet until I was 22.</p>

66

<p>Maybe it would’ve been blechhhh for you, but not for everyone. I simply can’t bring myself to say that it is uniformly wrong when it is so obviously not in some cases, even if those cases are few and far between.</p>

67

<p>It was a different time when your friends were young. I was a skinny little 15 year old twit when my husband to be was already done with Vietnam and on his own. It would have certainly been a dysfunctional relationship.</p>

68

<p>It certainly was a very different time, but what I’m pointing out is that a relationship including somebody of that age is not inherently wrong, even if it is often situationally so. It would of course have been wrong for you and for many, many teens. </p>

<p>However, not every fifteen-year-old is like that. I suppose I speak from an unusual point of view; I am seventeen, have mostly raised myself, completely self-schooled myself, work full time, and am almost exclusively attracted to men that are more than a few years older than myself. However, I am neither dependant on nor delusionally forgiving of the people I date. I am offended by the idea that some people think they can explain to me, like I am not capable of judging myself, that I am somehow an abuse victim despite the fact that the relationships I have chosen have been fulfilling and joyful. I have been abused, which is why I feel comfortabe saying that it is hurtful and worthy of anger when somebody compares my abuse to my joys. The relationships I have chosen have been joys. I do not expect everyone to understand that, but I expect respect. Offering to limit my choices because of my age rather than my mind is not respect.</p>

<p>While I realize that I am an exception, I am at least pointing out that exceptions exist. One cannot judge such a situation without understanding the context. Of course, I may become wise and worldy as soon as I hit eighteen (or twenty-one or whatnot) and look back on this post with pity or contempt. But I doubt it.</p>

<p>Oh, and yes, I suppose it’s odd that I’m in the Parents’ forum. I loiter here because the conversation is usually more interesting than most of the other forums.</p>

69

<p>look at your 14 year olds around you and tell me they should be pursued by a 40 year old man, no matter how “wonderful” he is</p>

<p>sorry any 40 year old who can only have a relationship with a 14 yearold has some serious issues</p>

70

<p>I think the outrage in this thread over this case is indicative of the double standard still in place today, both personally and in the law. There have been dozens of female teacher/male student cases in the news lately and none of them have a thread like this…
<a href=“female-teacher sexpidemic | Sciforums”>female-teacher sexpidemic | Sciforums;

<p><a href=“http://gothamist.com/2007/03/08/lady_teachermal.php[/url]”>http://gothamist.com/2007/03/08/lady_teachermal.php&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“Female teacher with male student -- skiing related”>Female teacher with male student -- skiing related;
<a href=“http://www.ssnewstelegram.com/news/2007/June/nt061707relationship.html[/url]”>http://www.ssnewstelegram.com/news/2007/June/nt061707relationship.html&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“Tapes Shine Light on Alleged Teacher-Student Affair - ABC News”>http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=3283320&page=1&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“http://www.shortnews.com/start.cfm?id=61091[/url]”>http://www.shortnews.com/start.cfm?id=61091&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,147179,00.html[/url]”>http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,147179,00.html&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“http://www.nbc10.com/news/4216607/detail.html?rss=phi&psp=news[/url]”>http://www.nbc10.com/news/4216607/detail.html?rss=phi&psp=news&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“http://www.thedenverchannel.com/health/5588314/detail.html[/url]”>http://www.thedenverchannel.com/health/5588314/detail.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

71

<p>I have no double standard, just never started a thread on this, so that characterization is unfounded</p>

<p>and the women and boy thing, while awful, is much rarer, but gets more hype…in this case, the school had FOUR male teachers have relationships with students…</p>

72

<p>In answer to doubleplay’s post, I knew a girl in high school, at the top of the class, held all kinds of elected postions, and her mother was a teacher in the high school. When she was a junior and senior, rumor was that she and the history teacher were “seeing” each other. I never believed it, because he was so boring (as both a teacher and as a person), incredibly overweight, and just generally not very appealing to anybody. Looked a bit like jabbathehut, I thought. So she graduates, goes off to college, eventually marries someone; she divorces the guy in less than a year, and almost immediately marries the history teacher from high school–jabbathehut. They divorce after a few years, but all this to say-- I guess the original rumors were true–and there’s no accounting for taste. Oh, and also, I guess that there’s somebody out there for everybody–whether or not you look like jabbathehut. ;)</p>

73

<p>The age thing is not the question, the teacher/student relationship is!
A few years ago, my son was the TA for a high school teacher. Rumors were abounding about the teacher’s relationship with a female student. He was 48, she 17. My son went to the teacher and privately asked him point blank if there was something between them. The teacher denied it. Two months later, he quit his job, married the girl. </p>

<p>Come to find out (not sure if the girl knows) that he had approached several other students. Parents had gone to the Administration and been ignored. </p>

<p>When I told my son of the teacher’s marriage he was pretty shocked. Couldn’t believe a teacher he liked and respected would do this and would lie to his face. </p>

<p>Teachers have a responsibility to maintain some degree of professionalism. Please.</p>

74

<p>I agree with City. Never came up before … but it’s not okay for either sex.</p>

75

<p>I don’t recall any teacher/student relationships at my high school. Maybe we didn’t notice that, because we were all too busy being shocked (and disgusted) when a 17 year old classmate married Tiny Tim in senior year. Talk about EWWW!</p>

76

<p>There was actually a gym teacher in my junior high who had “relationships” with some of the girls. A girl I knew pretty well was one of his victims (not that she considered herself a victim, but that’s what she was). We never told anyone!!! Things are so different today, and I am glad. 19 years after I finished junior high … years after I had even thought about the teacher … I read that he was being taken to court for the exact same thing by a student he had recently taken advantage of. I felt so bad … 19 years worth of girls’ lives messed up … we should have said something. Maybe that’s why I react so strongly to this situation. It’s just not right.</p>

77

<p>kelsmom, I agree that what that teacher did was messed up – playing various girls for years on end. However, I think this sort of thing would happen a lot less often if relationships with age differences could be more open. If I have a daughter someday, I would like to think that I will foster the sort of relationship with her where she’ll feel comfortable coming to me if she is romantically interested in a considerably older person. While I wouldn’t push her out into the world on her own and tell her to just figure out that dating stuff with somebody who likely has much more experience, I wouldn’t say a definitive no. Most likely, Mr. My-future-daughter’s crush, if he returned her interest, would end up getting invited to dinner at my house, etc. I’d want to know the guy. </p>

<p>I also don’t believe that sex or dating with an older person is intrinsically more harmful than sex or dating with a same-age person. Such an idea is positively mystical in the worst sense of the word.</p>

<p>On another note, I’d like to repeat that I think teacher-student relationships are wrong and are a totally different topic from age difference. I also think it’s idiotic for bosses to date the people they employ, etc.</p>

78

<p>if you don’t think that you will wonder about a 40 year old man pursuing your 14 year old daughter, I would feel bad for your daughter</p>

<p>No man that chases a 14 year old is a good man, nor does he much care about the girls, the child’s well being, no matter what garbage he/she spewsK</p>

<p>If you can’t see the difference between a 35 year old having sex with a 15 year old, and a 16 year old and a 15 year old, egad</p>

<p>There is SUCH a huge difference in power, life experience, etc that it is undeniable</p>

<p>As for the age difference, tell me honestly if you had a little sister, age 14 to 16 and some older guy, say 25 was taking her out for sex and dinner, that you would be okay with that, and that you wouldn’t be concerned about the maturity of a guy that can only get girls half his age who can’t even drive</p>

<p>I jsut watched a show about women who had relationships with young men, and they themselves admitted that they didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with men their own age, that it was nice to be with young teen boys (13-17) because then they didn’t have to deal with real life issues, that the boys really didn’t have a clue what a real relationship was, though they all pretended</p>

<p>Hearing these women talk honestly about their own failings as adults and WHY they went after teens, well, if you had seen it, you might doubt the person who you think would be okay messing around with your teen daughter</p>

<p>Tell me, what does a 40 year have in common with a 14 year old…</p>

<p>think about it real hard, what mature, healthy, together adult needs to go after teens for relationships, what is that person lacking in themselves that other adults want nothing to do with them and they have the go after minors who can’t even vote</p>

79

<p>Dis-grace, you state that teacher-student relationships are wrong. You also find boss-employee relationships wrong. You obviously see the problem with the balance of power being “off” in these relationships. The 16-40 relationship, in & of itself, is one in which the balance of power is “off” — no matter what the older person does for a living. Citygirlsmom did a great job listing the reasons why such a relationship just is not okay. Age difference is not a big deal as time goes on … but a teenager should be very, very wary of the motives of a much older person who claims to be in love with her (or him).</p>

<p>It is, however, not unusual for teens to be “in love” with much older people. The vast majority of well-adjusted adults may be flattered, but they will not feel the same way. They won’t even have to think twice about it.</p>

80

<p>The difference in how you two see things and how I see things is that you two see a fourteen-year-old as a child; I do not. Here are two interesting books taking my side of the topic:</p>

<p>Harmful to Minors by Judith Levine
The Case Against Adolescence by Dr. Robert Epstein</p>

<p>I recommend you read them even if you don’t anticipate agreeing with them. They’re interesting regardless and make the arguments I do not currently have the energy or time to make.</p>

<p>Btw, I resent the “in love” in quotation marks. It is not your place to tell me that I am less capable of being in love than you simply because I am seventeen – particularly considering that I have been through more than many people twice my age, though it would not be appropriate for me to go into that in detail at the mo. Suffice it to say that we are not all your ditzy teenage daughter or aquaintance. ;p</p>