<p>My mother spent the entire car ride home from college visiting screaming to me about personal statements, college apps, grades, SATs, etc.</p>
<p>Then she furiously swerved the car and turned around and hissed out “I’M WARNING YOU, IF YOU DON’T GET INTO UC BERKELEY, LA, OR SD, YOU ARE GOING TO CITY COLLEGE. DON’T WASTE MY MONEY.”</p>
<p>no this is not her on a PMS cycle, this is her every other day…she claims that everytime she looks at me or my report card, she wants to take a knife and kill me. I kid you not. </p>
<p>oooh, another amusing thing…she claims my dad spoils me because he actually ENCOURAGES me to do well, instead of hitting, screaming, yelling, being-psychotic-ing. </p>
<p>From a prospective HS senior’s POV, no parent should be like this. </p>
<p>Feedback from other anxious parents who are hopefully not like my mother dearest?</p>
Amusing wouldn’t have been my adjective if your complaints are accurate. Abuse is abuse, child. No excuses. Don’t put up with it. Call her on it. I deal with kids every month who have had to go to authorities to get relief. There is no cultural exception in the law. </p>
<p>Although my father and I ultimately made our peace before he died, the last time he touched me in anger I put him through a wall. As a teenager I viewed it as a significant event in the evolution of our relationship. I think he did , too. Our relationship was generally a good one and his actions were a substance fueled aberration, and a rare one at that. </p>
<p>I do not suggest that physical action against abusive parents is a good plan. I suggest reporting it to appropriate authorities. Now. But you have the right to defend yourself from assault, even from your parents. You have the right to use that force necessary to repel the attacker. Don’t ever let anybody hit you (unless to defend yourself would put you in greater danger of injury or death). </p>
<p>And to the droves of parents who will think I am overstating the case, maybe I have but the OP said “hitting”, not spanking nor slapping. Hitting. Come with me to court on any Tuesday. You’ll see why I answered as I did.</p>
<p>Now, OP - if you have overstated your case, either for effect or unintentionally…please don’t do that. Some of us get riled up over things like this.</p>
<p>Please talk to your dad and ask him to get your mom to stop badgering your and threatening you. He needs to stand up for you. </p>
<p>I also think your mom may need some counseling. She seems full of rage that is uncontrollable, as in the case of her veering off the road to threaten you. Your dad and she need to talk to a counselor and get her into an anger management class.</p>
<p>Is there someone else you can discuss your home situation with, as well? Some close family friend, relative? You should also mention to your GC and perhaps teachers that you are encountering a lot of family stress.</p>
<p>As someone who’s been there, I can tell you, sometimes standing up to a verbally out-of-control parent can work wonders. The trick is to be calm, logical and consistent. Next time your mother starts ranting - or appears to want to hit you – turn to her (again, calmly) and say something to the effect of, “Mom, I respect you and understand you want the best for me. But your behavior is way out of line. I will not talk to you in this state.” – And then walk away. Do this every time she starts a scene. If possible, ask your dad to intervene, though if he hasn’t already he may be unable to stand up to her too. My sympathies. And no, this isn’t being an anxious parent. This, like Cur suggests, is being abusive and irrational.</p>
<p>I called CPS on her in the 6th grade, but that didn’t do squat. I had to apologize to her afterwards. She brought that up today as well, how I almost got her in trouble and made her go to jail. Called me a problem child for that. </p>
<p>The hitting has waned down, as I can defend myself nowadays, its mostly just verbal, which I’ve learned quite well to completely ignore, but sometimes, it just gets to be a bit too much I find the need to just tell her to shut up, which i would LOVE to say in her face, but i don’t.</p>
<p>Talking to her? The last time I tried talking to her, she slapped me for it, (this was half a year ago).</p>
<p>I was trying to tread very softly here. But if the mother has been hitting Duckie, that definitely has to stop. Beyond that, it sounds to me that the mother needs help, too, and the dad must be made aware of that.</p>
<p>EDIT: cross-posted with Duckie. Please talk your dad into getting help for your mom and standing up for you. It’s good that ou are standing up for yourself, but you need allies, too. Also tell your mom that what she does is counterproductive since it prevents you from focusing on your studies. Maybe that will give her pause, though she sounds irrational to me.</p>
<p>Hmmm, a previous CPS referral, a face slap within the last six months, hitting that has “waned” not stopped, threats of deadly force, admissions against interest of ideating infanticide by stabbing (a very personal method of killing). That’ll pretty much get their attention.</p>
<p>OP: Have you noticed that most of the posters on all threads are Mothers? Just a few us “Guys” posts and our general emphasis is different than women’s.</p>
<p>itstoomuch, I hope you are including me among the hairy legged gender. How does your general emphasis differ from those who have posted and I guess, more importantly how could that help the OP?</p>
<p>Flaming, I have to agree with Curmudgeon here, totally. I’m of the opinion that no “normal” parent can even bring themselves to think of their child being harmed in any way, certainly not killed, and to say the words out loud - simply inconceivable. </p>
<p>In addition, when a son or daughter is entering the phase of life where leaving for college is a certainty, a parent goes through a rather full range of emotions: certainly excitement, hope, pride, followed by a significant degree of fear when considering the financials, followed by extraordinary happiness and acceptances and preparation, and then, almost devastating grief and incredible joy (simultaneously!!!) when the newly minted high school graduate and college freshman leaves home for some distant campus. </p>
<p>This is a time of extraordinary emotional highs and lows (mostly highs if all goes well and adequate support is in place), and, through this process, parents HAVE to be emotionally stable, rational, logical, and balanced. </p>
<p>If your mother is coming apart NOW over rather benign matters that do not register all that significantly on the emotional scale, it’s hard to imagine her dealing with all the issues that will come up over the next 12 months. </p>
<p>Therefore, I’d recommend you get some help immediately, whatever avenue it is you have to pursue. Even if you think you are not in any physical danger, having someone verbally threaten to harm you - even if they never do it - can damage you in ways that you cannot now see, and that may not evidence until later in life. Last, I’m troubled about someone who behaves that way while driving. There are innocent drivers out there who may end up becoming victims of an emotionally out of control person.</p>
<p>it’stoomuch, kind of thought that’s where you were going. Good job.</p>
<p>(Sheesh, She visualized the method of killing AND THEN VOICED IT and said the thoughts happened all the time! Not a good thing in my experience. Real warning shot. )</p>
<p>Thank you for the replies! I think all I want to know, is that I’m not limited to those UCs because she says so. I also think she’s been getting ****y lately because I’m not in her control as much as she would have liked before. One screaming session from her would have put me to tears 2 or 3 years ago. Now, I try to drown her out with music and I can honestly say that I don’t give a crap what she says.</p>
<p>Oh, another interesting thing I should mention…she always mentions my brother some way or another when she is screaming at me. You see, my brother went to Stanford, a very smart kid, so she figures that she must have ‘done something right with him’…and gets frustrated (euphemism… -_-) when that Stanford formula fails miserably on me. I didn’t get 4.0s in High school, afterall. She thinks I have problems because of it.</p>
<p>So, all in all, the only thing that will help right now is just get support. My dad and I often talk about her irrational behavior, and I agree when he says to stick it out. I’m so close to being OUT of this hellhole. :]</p>
<p>When I was living in the states as a kid I called the authorities about my mother too… yeah, not a good idea. It just made things worse. With parents like that (that you still need to pay for things like college) how do you gaurantee that it just won’t get worse? The abuse might stop, but they might refuse to pay for college, kick you out, and they’re certainly not going to love you more for calling the cops on them.</p>
<p>so *** do you do? You protect yourself. College doesn’t help if you’re dead (or too sick to use what you’ve learned). Do not begin to say that seeking help is the wrong thing to do. That gets kids killed. That gets women (and men) killed. That gets elderly folks killed. Don’t make light of this situation. </p>
<p>I represent all sides in CPS cases on a fairly regular basis. I see this behavior. Verbalizing and visualizing abuse, and threatening that abuse/death threat by the actor that gets more specific and personal and is used by the actor to control behavior of the weaker family member ? IMO this is significant. (And I could convince a judge it was.)</p>
<p>Hm…no matter how right I think you are, cur, its not as simple as that though. ‘doing something about it, like calling the cops or what not’ is definitely a candidate for getting you killed. I speak from experience.</p>
<p>The best thing for me to do right now, as I have said above, is to concentrate on my goals to get into UCSD, which is the college I, and purely I, want to go to. If the physical abuse stops because she knows that I can defend myself against her, I do not have anything in my way, because no amount of BS she throws at me will deter me from my goal.<br>
Its almost as if there is no mother/daughter. There’s just woman and kid senior. And hey, I am a-ok with that. She hasn’t acted like a mother in ages. What kind of mother doesnt tell a kid she loves you? I’ve never heard that from her.</p>
<p>Yes, but most of the time I doubt it’ll get to the point where you’re dead… they’re just crazy abusive traditional parents. They hit and they hurt (and it’s disgusting), but do you think they’d kill?</p>
<p>Will some mental health folks jump in here with me? I’m getting out of my zone of knowledge . Rapidly. Help. I could also use some Asian parents who could comment on the statements of the OP about the cultural imperatives at play. (My D had one Chinese friend and her parents gave up. She’s an English major. LOL.)</p>
How does your general emphasis differ from those who have posted and I guess, more importantly how could that help the OP?</p>