<p>My D will be a college freshman, and is scheduled to leave next week for college five hours from home. This week she had many activities planned with her friends before they all leave for college. Unfortunately one of her close friends was in an accident and is not likely to survive. I am trying to prepare myself and my daugther for this. This is not the first time she and her friends have suffered a lose and they last time they spent many hours together talking, grieving and helping one another through. I am very worried with her leaving to go to a large university where she knows no one. Also if the funeral is next week should she stay home and miss part of orientation? I think orientation and going to parties, etc. will be very difficult when she is grieving. Right now I think she is in shock. I have been trying to navigate that difficult terrain of letting go and realizing she is growing up - but she’s my baby and I feel so badly that I won’t be close by to help her through this. She is not very emotional and I know previously just being nearby and doing things or just talking when she felt like really helped. How do I do that when she is five hours away? Should I contact the school and let them know about this and ask what grief counseling they have and also do I ask them to let the RA know about this and see if she can also keep an eye on my daughter? I would appreciate sound advice from fellow parents.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry this has happened, and especially right now.</p>
<p>First, I wouldn’t have her miss orientation. At a large school, a lot of friendships & “cliques” are created during orientation, and a lot of important information is given then. It will be additionally difficult for her to start school without having shared the orientation experience. She may not want to go to parties, but she’ll still “be there.”</p>
<p>Second, yes, I would tell the RA what’s going on. Also the Dean of Freshmen. (And ask the Dean about orientation as well.) </p>
<p>Hugs to you at this most difficult time.</p>
<p>I agree she should not miss orientation, but do be prepared for more grieving the next time she comes home. Being at college may take her mind off the loss, but she will need to work through it when she comes home.</p>
<p>I would definitely give the school a heads up, so that the RA or someone can be sure to reach out to her if she seems depressed or reclusive.</p>
<p>I would let her make the decision about the funeral. While it will be a shame if she misses some of the orientation activities, I think that she can easily overcome that, especially if she has an understanding RA who will help her get back ‘up to speed’. If it were me, I think I’d want to go to the funeral, but some people are really ok with grieving privately.</p>
<p>I’m sorry she is going through this.</p>
<p>Five hours from home is doable for an overnight stay. Since the friend is still alive at this point, and miracles do happen, I would continue the college trip as planned. If the friend should die, I would bring your D home for the funeral. I think in this case attending the funeral would be an important part of saying goodbye to her, as well as how much it would mean to the family of the girl. </p>
<p>But I would bring her home only overnight, and get her back involved as soon as possible. The busy-ness will help distract her. </p>
<p>Letting the school know - both an RA and an adult as Chevda says - is important so that your D has some emotional support at school. If she is at all religious, I would ask about religious organizations at school – Perhaps there would be a leader who could also be contacted.</p>
<p>I am so very sorry. Informing the RA is great advice. Please also let her know that it would be completely normal for her to be on an emotional roller coaster. You will both (as will the friend) be in my thoughts.</p>
<p>I, too, am very sorry. Yes, let the school know, and have the appropriate people around her told as well. It’s going to be a tough go for her, I know. I also believe going to the funeral would be important for her.</p>
<p>My father died several weeks after my brother went to college. He had been ill for a while and it was expected, but, oh, what a blow. It made for a very tough first semester for him. But he agrees even today, that going to college even with that pall over him and the interruption of the term with the funeral was the way to go. It allowed him to go on with life albeit with a heavy heart. There was much discussion as to whether he should take the semester off and stay with my Dad, but my Dad was adament that he wanted to see his youngest son off to college. A final job done, in his mind. Death watches can be morbid, and there sometimes is that tiny chance that death does not come for a long, long time. My prayers for all in this sad situation.</p>
<p>We were in a very similar situation last winter. D’s lifelong best friend, a sister really, and her parents, with whom D was also very close, were all killed in a car crash days before D was supposed to return to school in January. D was devastated (still is.) D did return to school, but I made sure she had the means to mourn and say goodbye at her own pace. </p>
<p>I made it clear she could come home anytime she wanted, for any reason. And that’s not easy for us – D goes to school two thousand miles away. I encouraged her involvement in the planning of the memorial, offered to pay airfare for D to visit the lone survivor of the accident, hospitalized out of state. I encouraged D to phone and keep in daily contact with the victims’ relatives and friends so they could all grieve together. I think that last part really, really helped my D. She felt that even though she was thousands of miles away, she was right there with the people who loved the victims as much as she did. </p>
<p>So I guess what I’m trying to say is that busy-ness and distraction are a help – but your D’s pain and loss also need to be acknowledged and allowed time and ways to heal. </p>
<p>My thoughts are with you. It’s hearbreaking to see your child suffer, and to know that you can’t really help ease their pain.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry to hear about her friend.
Binx is absolutely correct — she’ll always regret missing the funeral (let’s hope for a miracle, though) & can never get that day back. Orientation events & info will not be terribly disrupted by an overnight leave. Notifying the college or RA is a good idea.</p>
<p>Will she have a roommate? It might be a good idea to strongly encourage your D to let her roommate know what happened. I’m not sure you should, but the roommate, even more than the RA, will be the one who has to be with your D on a daily basis. Hopefully, she will be a sympathetic ear. Also, there may be bereavement groups on campus for students who have lost loved ones. The Dean of Student’s office would know. Encourage your D also to get involved in helping others as a way to honor her friend. That, in addition to the usual activities of college, will help keep her occupied and will seem like a more worthwhile expenditure of time than partying or superficial socializing until she is ready.</p>
<p>thank you for all the great advice. tango14 - my daughter will not have a roommate - she was placed in a single. I thought about that last night along with all my many other thoughts. And maybe being in a single is good thing as she is a somewhat private person and can at least be able to have somewhere to go and be alone and grieve. I am trying to keep some hope that things will turn around but also trying to be realistic. Her friend suffered a traumatic brain injury and the hospital told them family last night to tell friends and family to come and say their goodbyes. She was not concious but at least her friends were able to say good byes. If things do go badly, I will try to contact the RA (who already has been in touch with my daughter) as well as the school and see what grief counseling they have and encourage my daughter to go.</p>
<p>What an sad and awful thing to happen. I would encourage you to encourage your daughter to find someone to talk to through her school’s counseling department. And she should definitely attend the funeral. It is so hard to see your child suffer heartbreak like this. My 15 year-old daughter lost her best friend in an accident 6 months ago. The first 3 months especially were rough. She went to teen group counseling with her friend’s brother and sister, which helped a lot. Time helps a lot. Talking about her friend helps a lot. She made a journal with pictures, poetry, and stories. I think being able to express your sorrow and remember the good times is especially important - so your daughter will need to find someone to talk to. She can talk with her friends over the computer (Facebook, IM, etc.). Encourage her to keep in touch with them, because they all share the same grief.</p>
<p>As for you, just be there for your daughter as much as you can from a distance. Keep tabs on her emotional state, and don’t hesitate to intervene if you feel she is depressed. I think the start of the school year will be a distraction, but also stressful because of the loss she just suffered. {{{HUGS}}} for your family, and the family of her friend!</p>
<p>This is one of the few times I believe a parent should contact their childs college. I don’t think most kids would even know where to start looking for a support system and she will be in shock for some time. Also, I would err to the side of too many resources than not enough. When we are grieving I think people around us need to take charge. Orientation is important and I would have her go unless it is impossible. Maybe you could arrange to stay in a nearby hotel for a couple of days to help her get in touch with a religious groups or a counciler on campus. This may sound odd but I would get her unlimited text messaging to keep in touch with her other friends that share this loss. I would want to hear a voice but kids text. I firmly believe you bring your kids to college say good-bye and leave but this is the rare occassion I may stay awhile. I’m so sorry for your family and my prayers are with you.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry you and your D are going through such a hard time - especially at a moment when she should be filled with excitement and happiness.</p>
<p>You should contact the Dean of Students at her school. This is the person who is in charge of students’ well-being in every facet of university life. He or she will know every person on campus who is in a position to help support your daughter and will facilitate such support.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>jsmom, it’s good that she will be in a single room. Having to deal with a roommate, unless it’s the perfect roommate, when you’re already in turmoil, would be hard. As you say, she will have someplace to go and grieve in private.</p>
<p>I agree that she should go to orientation to meet people, and it’s good that the RA will be aware of her situation, but do try to encourage her to get involved in something with other people, whether that’s a student grief support group or some volunteer activity, so that she doesn’t give in to a very natural tendency to just want to be alone. It could affect her whole college experience. It is doubtful that she will be much inclined to participate in the usual dorm/college social activities for a while.</p>
<p>I agree she should go to the funeral if at all possible. Rituals like funerals are more to help those left behind and can be part of the healing process. When my daughter’s boyfriend was killed in an accident while we were on holiday there was no funeral as his parents did not believe in them. He was cremated before she even knew he had died and even his older sister did not get to see him. I think the feeling of not being able to say goodbye made the healing so much harder.</p>
<p>Hugs to you and your daughter. I really feel for her at this heartbreak and also for you while you deal with her heartbreak - it is so hard to watch her hurt and there is little you can do but be a shoulder to cry on and ears to listen when she want to talk. If she is struggling down the road see if she is open to grief counseling. It took my daughter @ 6 months to realize she was not coping and the counseling did really help.</p>
<p>I’m very sorry. I know how difficult this kind of situation can be. More than 30 years ago, I began my first year of law school, in a city I didn’t know at all, only two months after my mother died from injuries suffered in a car accident we’d been in six weeks earlier. If I had to do it over again, I would have taken the year off. I think I was in a state of shock the entire year. (And, in some ways, for many years thereafter.) There were no resources for me – partly, I’m sure, because I told hardly anyone about what had happened, except a few friends I made. Fortunately, things are a little different now. I echo all the suggestions that you make sure that people at the college understand the situation, and that counseling is available to your daughter.</p>
<p>Donna</p>
<p>jsmom, I know exactly how you feel. Less than a month ago two of S’s best friends were in a terrible wreck, both thrown from the car. One died instantly. The other was airlifted to the hospital (where dozens of kids held vigil the whole time) and died ten days later, never regaining consciousness. </p>
<p>My S was following them down the road saw the whole thing happen. He called 911 and stood by waiting for help to come while he watched his friends dying. He would have been in the car too but was late getting over to the friends house. </p>
<p>S was a pall bearer for both funerals and went to both viewings at the funeral home. I believe it was cathartic for him. If at all possible, let your D come home for the funeral. After the wreck, S has spent countless hours with the rest of his circle of friends and visited the parents of both boys. </p>
<p>Like your D, my S is not an emotional kid. He has not talked a lot to us about his feelings but I know he has to others. I just read an article last week that said if someone is grieving a loss that it does more harm than good to try to force them to talk about it. Often the best way is to let is be and just take it as it comes. </p>
<p>Even though your D is leaving for college, she can still be in touch with other friends by computer and cell phone to talk and grieve together. Being able to be with friends seemed to be the best thing for S.</p>
<p>S is also leaving for college this weekend. I’m so thankful now that I didn’t veto rooming with a friend. His roommate is a part of the same group of friends and I think they will help each other through. </p>
<p>I know the pain of watching this happen to your child. Many have told S and us they are praying for my S and I believe that has helped tremendously. You and your D will be in my prayers.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone that she should go to orientation, that she should also definitely come back for the funeral should that come to pass, and that this is one time that a parent should contact the school for the child.</p>
<p>My sympathies to you and to her.</p>
<p>I don’t usually post but this thread really brought back memories.</p>
<p>Before I get to that, I agree that going to the funeral would be beneficial to both your D and her friend’s family if her friend doesn’t make it. But let her decide whether or not she wants to go.</p>
<p>My older brother was in a car accident when I was 13 and was airlifted to a hospital. The EMTs indicated that he went 8 minutes without oxygen which worsened his already extensive brain injury. He was given only a 2% (best case scenario) chance of survival. Being that he was only 18 at the time and had the strength given by his youth to fight, he pulled through. At least that’s the explanation given to us by the doctors (they were baffled too). I remember quite vividly being brought to say my last goodbyes with my family and a priest to him in a shared hospital room where we were surrounded by either the dying, or already dead. My brother may not be able to walk or talk now (7 years later), but he lives at home with us in a semi-normal life. </p>
<p>I recount this experience because I believe that there is a small chance that your D’s friend could survive. I don’t know about “miracles” but I do think something similar does happen for some people. </p>
<p>However, if she doesn’t make it, please make sure that she has a support system in place for her at the college and at home, which I have no doubts that you will do. </p>
<p>Your family, your D’s friend, as well as the friend’s family are in my thoughts.</p>