<p>JSmom–I feel for the family and of course your D and friends. It’s very difficult for young people to suffer this kind of loss. It forces them to realize they are mortal.</p>
<p>By all means, please follow the suggestions to let the RA know. Even if by some miracle the friend survives it will be difficult for your daughter. Encourage her to begin her orientation as others have said. </p>
<p>Packmom your son is also in my thoughts. </p>
<p>Far too many tragedies involving young people. </p>
<p>Just a couple of weeks ago a young woman (HS senior) was killed in an accident in our town. The young man she was with was critically injured. Even though my D only knew her very casually (different HS’s but did participate in an activity together) it was pretty tough for her to face the idea that people her age do die. Many teens in our town are still hurting. </p>
<p>My GF died a couple of weeks before my college freshman year. This was the first death I experienced. No one knew. Trying to deal with my grief and all the newness of college, being on my own, etc. was difficult. It was only when I was experiencing some roommate issues that I told my RA. After that roommate and RA were very supportive. Please make sure someone that can help her knows.</p>
<p>jsmom - so sorry for this trauma for you, your D and all of your community.</p>
<p>Just a few years ago, a young man in our small town committed suicide just weeks before he and all of his classmates were to head off for their freshman years in colleges far flung.</p>
<p>In our area, we have the resource of a Center for Grieving Children. They came into our community and held support sessions with various groups - parents, classmates of his younger siblings and special sessions for his classmates about to head off to college. My son was one year younger, so I do not recall the specifics of their advice to the soon-to-be freshmen. But I do believe it included letting the colleges know and determining the support resources that would be there for each of them in their new environments.</p>
<p>Perhaps you will have access to grief counselors in your area. I would recommend seeking them out. They know so much about the specific needs of each group affected by such a tragedy - family, young friends and the broader community.</p>
<p>I agree with the previous advice, but I strongly believe you should let your daughter make all of these decisions herself. You can encourage her to participate in orientation, attend the funeral, inform her RA, or go to grief counseling, but she should be in charge of making the decisions. This is particularly important when it comes to informing the school or RA (since the other matters are, ultimately, under her control no matter what). She should decide whether she wants you to inform the college, whether she wants to tell her RA herself, or whether she wants to keep it to herself. If I were in your daughter’s shoes, I do not think I would want my parents sharing this with anyone at my college. I would probably wait and inform people while I’m at college as I see appropriate at the time. I would see it as an invasion of privacy if my parents informed people at my school without my express permission. Your daughter may of course be different, but no matter what I think she should be making these decisions. Handling the grief process as she sees appropriate can be empowering.</p>
<p>JSmom, I just wanted to express my sadness and sympathy for your daughter–and prayers for a miracle for her friend. Everyone has given you great advice about orientation etc.</p>
<p>Add me to the group who feels she should go to college on time. She may be grieving, but teenagers can also be very resilient. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong or insensitive in hoping that some of the joy and excitement of orientation might make a difficult time a bit easier.</p>
<p>My father died suddenly (brain aneurysm) when I was home from college for Christmas break one year. It was sad and shocking, but I also remember feeling profound relief when my mother announced that I should go back to school at the end of the break. </p>
<p>Freshman orientation can be wonderful. She shouldn’t miss it.</p>
<p>I won’t argue with those who say your D should make the decisions, BUT she needs to know what decisions are available. Especially she should know that transportation to the funeral from college is an option that you can and will provide. Also, she should know what’s available from her college in terms of support and counseling. She shouldn’t have to make the decision to find out about these things, but rather make the decision to utilize them.</p>
<p>Hi Jamom … I am sorry to hear the news … it’s a very tough situation for your daughter and your family. I’m with the folks who advocate letting your daughter decide whether or not she’d like to go to the funeral. Good luck.</p>
<p>PS - personally I come with a bias on this one. I have very few big regrets in my life and one is missing my grandmother’s funeral as a freshman in college. She died during finals in the spring of my senior year … with my family (they pushed) I decided to stay for the finals … looking back 30 years I consider this one of the biggestest mistakes of my life … I don’t care if I woudl have flunked the course I should have gone to the funeral … but that is me and what I was feeling at the time. I look at it like this … missing a day or two of orientation might feel like a big deal at the time but after a month of school it will be long forgotten … if this friend does die there will be only one funeral and being there to grieve and to support her family is a one time deal.</p>
<p>If you have a faith, I would suggest you or your child contact the appropriate chaplain at the school. If not religious, maybe a counselor. I say this because RAs are themselves very young, maybe 20, and probably have not got much experience with bereavement. Bereavement is often challenging even for adults to deal with. </p>
<p>I lost my brother in college, and it was surreal. I had plenty of distractions (which are also important) but very little opportunity to grieve and be comforted. Sometimes one really needs a human being, someone to hold you while you cry.</p>
<p>I respectfully disagree with posters who say let her make all the decisions about this. Even as an adult the grieving process is difficult and having been through loss many times there is comfort when someone takes charge temporarily. She should ofcourse have input but with adult guidance and you do have more life experience than your daughter. As I said I think it is wise to look into resources on campus for her including names and phone numbers should the need arise. I am a very hands off parent with college age kids, I could barely tell you the courses they take or what their schedule is like. This however is the rare occassion I would become involved and see that she has a safety net. Even my kids in their thirties ask my advice and certainly would want my guidance if they were grieving a loss. I hope you and your daughter can find some joy at this most exciting time in her life. I will pray for both of you and am so sorry you as a Mom have to go through this along with normal adjustment worries. Peace</p>
<p>Life and death happens. It is part of life and we can’t let it stop us or our children from living.</p>
<p>There is something to be said for backing off a bit and letting the adult here, the friend and OPs daughter, make the decision.</p>
<p>She may feel guilty for wanting to go to school and then return for the funeral. Let her know that she shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to go to the orientation.</p>
<p>We parental unit types can’t put pressure on, thinking we are doing what is best, and that pressure can lead to feelings of guilt where none is warranted.</p>
<p>People are often much more resilient than we give them credit for. </p>
<p>And I don’t understand this leap to counseling, as if dealing with lifes normal and sad events needs to involve counseling at every turn. Feeling sad is normal., feeling mad is normal.</p>
<p>And if she decides to go to school, fine and she not should feel guilty 30 years later. </p>
<p>3togo, Let go of feeling bad for a decision made so long ago. It was not one of the biggest mistakes in your life. It happened and you need to let go of feeling bad about it. Your family has moved on and so should you. Give yourself a break!!!</p>
<p>I wasn’t suggesting in any way that the situation required counseling, but a kid in this position ought to have some resources identified if need be, specifically an empathetic person who would be comfortable supporting her, listening to her, if she needs it. </p>
<p>IMO this is way beyond the typical RA skill set. If she was home this sort of support would be available from family or friends, but brand new in college, she will be surrounded by strangers. Furthermore it isn’t easy to be shattered and sad when everyone around you is cutting loose and getting drunk, it is a very isolating feeling. </p>
<p>When my brother died it was my junior year, so I even had some very close friends by that point. Still, it was very difficult as nobody knew how to help, and I didn’t want to bum them out, so mostly the subject was never brought up.</p>
<p>I am just suggesting that life is messy and we can’t be there for each other at each and every tragedy. People survive and move on. In the past, people managed quite well in much worse circumstances.</p>
<p>I just tend to give young adults more credit for being able to deal with things. How many were married and had kids at this same age so many years ago? I was in the army at that age. My father was in a major war. </p>
<p>Yes support her, but give her some credit for being able to handle this tragedy.</p>
<p>Ouch. I am just suggesting that life is messy and ugly and cruel. We won’t always have our support group right there, and that is okay. I am just saying that we can go overboard with the concern and planning and contacting everyone at the school for our adult children, thus treating them like they can’t deal with the circumstances. We need to give them more credit for coping, and they will cope. We need to give them more chances to find that support themselves. Calling the RA and the Counseling center at this point, the parent calling I mean, is not our place. It just isn’t. If we project them to such a degree, if we take care of each and every potential event, giving them no chance themselves to handle it, then they will not grow and mature. That when another event occurs, they may not have the inner resources to deal, because mom and dad have always paved the way. The OPs daughter needs to herself make those contacts and connections at her school. THere is something very powerful in taking control of your own choices and who knows your business.</p>
<p>I think in this case, a list of phone numbers and such should be given to the student, and she should make the contacts with the school, not the parents. As some point, adults need to take charge of their own lives, and parents need to stop worrying so much about normal life events, and death is normal, sad, horrid, but normal.</p>
<p>Imagine going into a dorm, and the RA has been warned that you are “delicate” and “in a sad way”. And their first encounter with you is about the death of your friend. Maybe the student needs to escape to a new place, with out the issue of the the accident the talk of conversation, as it is at home. There is something to be said for going to a place where you can just be a freshman, and laugh and smile and not have people “watching” you for signs.</p>
<p>Yes, use the resources, but until there is an “issue” let the student decide when and if others need to know.</p>
<p>SBmom agree 100 percent especially the wooden spoon. Golfingdad It always amazes me that some parents believe going to college means sudden adulthood, I see it as more of a period to grow toward being an adult. No one said this girl needs counciling, it has only been suggested Mom get this info in case there is a need. I would have different advice if she was entering sophmore year and knew the campus and had friends there. As I said even adults sometimes need support. Why would you suggest it would be bad if people knew she was grieving, I don’t think this Mom needs that kind of thought at this point, and I totally disagree with you about that. I was married at 18 and a Mom at 19 and would never suggest that to anyone and would not suggest grief carries some stigma either. Both to me are outdated notions.</p>
<p>Golfingdad does have a good point that the freshman should decide for herself if and when she wants counseling. And it is a good thing for everyone to start off “fresh” as freshmen. </p>
<p>To the OP mom: perhaps you should just be very available to your D, encourage as many phone calls home as she wishes, offer a trip home after the first month, and so on. If things don’t go well, you can always make phone calls to the college later.</p>
<p>My D had a sort of breakdown in her junior year (illness, boyfriend issues, and crazy-heavy class schedule). I was able to talk to the dean of students who was most helpful. You can get in there and help more if needed, but best to let your D handle things in her own way at first. Golfingdad is right; that is empowering.</p>
<p>I agree with the people who want you to contact the RA/Dean of students. She has enough going on without having to figure out a way to approach the issues with strangers. These people will know which campus resources to offer and to watch for any secondary problems. Be supportive in offering to go out of the way so she can attend orientation and return for a funeral. The spring of my son’s freshman year a HS athlete he was on a team with died unexpectedly, many emails- between parents and their college kids as well as the friends to friends that week, plus a trip home for the funeral. Your D has the added stress of starting college, your involvement will decrease the number of things she needs to cope with. She may be an adult, but think of how friends and relatives do many things for much older, experienced adults when a death occurs so that person doesn’t have an overwhelming number of tasks to do- it is much appreciated. Helping at a time like this will not affect her self empowerment or ■■■■■■ her develpment in any way, this is one of those times a shoulder to lean on is good, of course she would make any arrangements to follow up on any suggestions.</p>
No worries … I’m pretty good about forgiving myself and moving on … while I have moved on looking back this decision was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I have moved on … but I’ve also learned from my mistakes … for me, almost all my big regrets are things I <em>didn’t</em> do or try that I felt I should have done but somehow others convinced me the prudent thing to do was not to do it. So for the OP’s daughter I would support what she feels is the right thing to do and how she wants to grieve and how she wants to start school.</p>
<p>You don’t always start counseling right after a death. It can take a few weeks or months before someone is ready for that. The D doesn’t need to get right into counseling on week two of college.</p>
<p>It is not hard to figure out what resources are available at colleges for counseling. It’s right on the college web site, with the phone number for making an appointment. All colleges have counseling available and will see students on an emergency basis if needed. </p>
<p>Many college students can step up to the plate and handle very difficult life situations. Our neighbor girl from right across the street helped care for her mom who had terminal breast cancer all during her senior year. Mom made it to graduation in a wheelchair and died at the end of August. The D went off to college right after the funeral, but she managed and coped with it all. She is now a nurse getting her master’s degree to be a nurse practitioner.</p>
<p>I just wanted to thank you for your advice and well wishes and update you on my daughter’s friend. She did make it through that first night and two additional brain surgeries. She has been in a medically induced coma and on a ventilator. Today they are trying to take her off sedation. May take a while for her to respond - but it’s very good news. We don’t know what the prognosis is. The doctors were not optimistic last week, but now are talking about tomorrow and what happens after this, etc. My daughter visited again today before leaving for school tomorrow and feels much better about leaving now. So thank you again and please continue to keep this young woman and her family in your thoughts and prayers.</p>