Trouble Dealing With Empty Nest - Need to Vent

Parent Cafe
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<p>I need to vent a bit. I’m posting under a new user name for privacy purposes. I’ve been around CC for about a year and hope I’ve helped some people.</p>

<p>Onto my problem. My S is an only child. He is a great kid, never gets into trouble, great student, volunteers in the community, makes good choices with his life. He and I used to butt heads during his Freshman and Sophomore years over the typical father/son things, but the last two years we have grown close as he has matured.</p>

<p>I am having a terrible time with the thought of him leaving for college. Don’t get me wrong, I want him to go! We worked together on the entire college process, went on visits, discussed finances, etc. He got a good scholarship so money is not an issue. I do worry about the workload he has chosen to take on since time management is not one of his strong points, but that is part of growing up and I’m sure he will rise to the occasion.</p>

<p>The issue is me. I should feel proud of him and all that he has accomplished and believe me I do. I am excited for him and all the opportunities he has ahead of him. But I am incredibly sad that he won’t be around. I’m just going to miss him terribly. I feel like I’m not only losing a son, but a friend as well. He and I talk about sports, current events, just general stuff. Sometimes he will just wander into my home office and plop down on the couch just to shoot the breeze.</p>

<p>I should be excited but instead I am incredibly sad to the point that I have almost been in tears several times since graduation and I am having trouble concentrating at all at work. I should add that I suffer from depression to begin with and yes I know this is making it worse. I lost my job last year and have been working as a temp for the past several months while I look for something permanent. I hate it and I’m sure that is part of the issue too. Money is not an issue at this point fortunately.</p>

<p>I’ve tried counseling for my depression and it does not work for me. I could not go back now anyway since it would be a problem with my temp position - no time.</p>

<p>My wife and I have a great marriage so that is not an issue. I should be looking forward to “empty nest” and having time to ourselves. Instead I’m trying to figure out what the heck we will talk about. :/</p>

<p>I just can’t shake this feeling of overwhelming sadness about my S leaving. I feel like part of my life is being ripped away from me. Am I the only one? Does anyone have any suggestions about how to deal better with this?</p>

<p>Thanks for listening. Just writing this helped a bit.</p>

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<p>I have felt your pain. When my daughter (now a rising junior in college) left it was a terrible experience for me. We were very close with me having coached her in soccer for years and we did a lot of things together. If I was running to the grocery or some other menial errand she would go just because. We went to ballgames and other things together. </p>

<p>I had to tell myself this is what she needs. She can’t be here forever. She has been home the past two summers and while she is working full-time we still do a lot of things together. The relationship will change but it will not go away. I don’t think there is a magic bullet. Try to view it somewhat voyeuristically. Wait and hear the stories he will have to tell you and the experiences he will have to share. As a father I truly feel your pain (tearing up thinking about my daughter now). Fortunately we aren’t the only ones to go through this and everyone seems to come out ok. Best of luck. Let us know how it goes.</p>

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<p>You are pretty much me last August and September – and I had the benefit of a younger son still at home, too. I have no advice, other than to suggest that you try to remember that just because he’s not living at home, he’s still your son. I started the practice of calling him on his cell phone every time I thought of it. We might have nothing to say, but he was always glad to hear from me. Now, he’s working as an intern at the same company I work at and we are spending even more time together than when he was in high school. It’s only for the summer, but I’m really enjoying it. (He has a penchant for really bad puns, and I had nearly forgotten. Now that I’m trapped in a car with him 50 minutes a day I’ve quickly re-learned about his “humor.”)</p>

<p>There can still be lots of father-son moments between you. WashDadJr still calls us for advice (a little) and emotional support (a lot). He’s even asked me for advice(!!!) about his girlfriend. (“Son, women are a mystery to me too. Want to go to a movie?”) I thought his going away to college was the end of parenting, but it turns out it’s just a new stage in our relationship. So far, it’s been pretty cool.</p>

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<p>There are a lot of electronic communication methods today which makes it easier to keep in touch (iChat on Apple Macs is great) but it sounds like both you and your son will be busy. We have two kids so I’ve turned my attention to the younger one. I also have a lot of hobbies that were set aside when the kids were younger and now I have more time for them.</p>

<p>A friend of mine with his kids gone does a little tennis coaching at the local high school and that sort of thing or tutoring might be interesting. But kids grow up and transition to independence. The father-son relationship (if it is a close one) is tough in the transition. Especially if there wasn’t enough time in the earlier teen years.</p>

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<p>You are getting great advice, but as a doc, I picked up on “I suffer from depression”. Have you ever tried meds for your depression? I don’t think they are a good idea for short term grief, but you are dealing with 2 hits - job loss and empty nest - that both hopefully will be brief, but would a short course of antidepressants help?
If you are having difficulties with eating and sleeping, thoughts of hopelessness or harming yourself, or if all this good non-medical advice just doesn’t help, or if you are too depressed to contemplate doing anything to alter your situation, then please see a health professional.</p>

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<p>Here’s the bad and the good. The bad part is that when the time comes for him to leave, there will be a flurry of activity leading to a whole new swirl of excitement and fun for him. That will contrast sharply to the quiet around your house. The good news is that there are a lot of new tools that can help you to be an active, albeit vicarious, part of his new life. Investing in an unlimited long distance cell plan will be well worth it. There are always long walks between classes and it’s great to get unexpected calls without cause. Also, start reading the back issues of the campus newspaper online so that you can see what the major topics on campus are. You can follow what’s going on throughout the year by checking the paper each week. You can also find a “news” link on the campus website that will give the big items of the day from the university’s perspective. We still miss having D1 around the house and we’re preparing for D2 to leave this fall, but I manage the loss by enjoying being a college student wannabe myself.</p>

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<p>The first time I went to the grocery after my son left for college, I almost had a meltdown in the produce section. No longer should I buy 10 bananas; now three would do just fine. No longer did we need six tomatoes; now two would do fine. And so on. It was terrible.</p>

<p>That said, my husband and I now have weekly “dates” (well, watching on DVD all the movies we never had time for in the olden days). I get to garden much more. I’ve turned my attention to getting the house ready to sell in another – oh, four or so years. </p>

<p>You’re doing the right thing by thinking about it and talking about it now. When it finally happens, you’ll be a little more prepared.</p>

<p>It’s a passage in your life as well as his. Try to view it as an opportunity for new things.</p>

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<p>Do follow up on Cangel’s #4 medication sugestion. Low doses of the newer drugs can make a difference when too many things tip your equilibrium balance, and the side effects are minimal. Remember e-mail, you can send as much info when and how often you like without disturbing his schedule. He can likewise easily reply at hours you are sleeping, giving you a morning pick-me-up. It is a major life change. Read the book “Letting Go”. Keep with us on CC. You will still spend way too much time talking about your son, we do. Parenting doesn’t end when they go to college, it is just a new stage, your life will still be dominated by your child. Instead of daily scheduling around him you will be looking at the calendar to plan your time to be available when he will want rides, etc. It is nice to be a couple again, too bad our bodies can’t return to the prechild era…</p>

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<p>oh yah—I had those crying jags, and im ususally not an emotional person, my husband fessed up (much later) that he had been crying as well. D will graduate this coming fall. I suggest that you have a few good crys and then check threads with titles such as “my son is home from school this summer and I cant stand him”. If its any consulation, that first summer home after freshman year is something of a panacea for the previous years depression. :)</p>

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<p>I’ve been an empty nester for two years now (the 2-year anniversary is within days of today, in fact) and dreaded our son moving away as we have had a very good relationship and I find him and my husband to be the best company I know (much as I love my friends and all), so I saw myself losing half of my best company. I was happy for our son to be getting what he wanted in life, but felt particularly ripped off in that he moved out at 14 and most parents have at least till 18 before the child moved away so I was (in my view) ripped off of 4 years of good times with our son. He kindly thanked us in his graduation ceremony video clip for having been willing to let him move away 4 years earlier than most parents and children separate, which was really nice of him, but the appreciation can’t fill the sadness I have when I see a great musical or play or hear a great concert or whatever and think, “Man, he would have so loved this - it’s so sad that he wasn’t here!” And man do I miss his upbeat take on things and his quick wit.</p>

<p>All that said, his moving out was easier than I had suspected in a way. I only *nearly *cried at the airport when we first flew home after moving him into his apartment. I thought it was going to be incredibly tough on me (not him, as he never even had separation anxiety as a toddler other than for 10 minutes at age 5 months when left in a hotel room he’d never been in before with a hotel sitter he’d never seen before) as he was homeschooled and I drove him to college being that he was only 9 when he started there, so I got lots of time with our son to play games (board games, racquetball, etc.), chat about life, go on field trips, etc. with him (which I like to rationalize should counter all the time I am missing with him on the back end of his first 18 years of life). But no, it was really rather easy as far as just going on with life, but I also haven’t had depression issues since I was 21 (and those were short-lived and situation provoked rather than due to a chemical issue in the brain), so it might have been easier for me than it will be for you, but then you also might be surprised and it could be easier than you are thinking it will be.</p>

<p>As for advice, I would suggest keeping yourself busy with fun stuff as best you can. My husband and I went on a nice 20th anniversary trip to Las Vegas shortly after our son moved out, and we go out with friends for dinner (or have them over or go to their place for dinner) several times a month if not a week. We’re going to a picnic and/or party at a restaurant tonight (depends on the weather which way we go there), going to happy hour with friends tomorrow night, going to dinner and a play with other friends Friday night, going to a festival (I’ll be working for part of the day there, again with friends) on Saturday, and going to a symphony orchestra concert on Sunday before picking up our son at the airport (saying his flight from England arrives on time, we should be able to celebrate Father’s Day over dinner). We pretty much are out having fun every night, and if we didn’t have the money to do things like dinner and shows, we’d likely just take walks together after dinner home and play cards and watch TV and such.</p>

<p>Life is what you make it. Concentrate as best you can on making it happy. Good luck! And hugs to you, too!</p>

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<p>Slightly different issue–I am finding that I am having a harder time with the thought of my D returning to college (she will be a sophmore) than I did last summer. The “empty nest” was not have empty as I had feared and my D kept in touch so much that I never truly “missed her”, but I have enjoyed having her home immensely. (She has been home since April 20.) Her first year certainly had its ups and downs so perhaps I am apprehensive that her second year won’t be better (although I consciously think it will be). Perhaps because last summer was difficult (the typical push/pull between a mother and a daughter) and she was so excited to go 2000 miles ago (not to get away; just to experience something new) I was able to think less about my emotional reaction to her leaving. Anyone else experience something similar? Is it just a delayed reaction to the reality that she’s growing up?</p>

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<p>It happens over and over every year. My older, who’s one year out of college, drops in for weekends or one- or two-week stints, and when he leaves I’m saddened all over again. </p>

<p>I also try and recognize the relief I feel at not being asked, “What’s for dinner?” or, “Where’s my laundry?” or, “Can I take the car?”!!</p>

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<p>S1 and my H are best friends, too. I would say his sadness was not as overt as mine when S1 left, but there was something missing. We were fortunate to be able to go up to S1’s school about once or twice a semester for a football game, parents weekend, etc. That helped. S1 was good about calling home and H called him sometimes, too.</p>

<p>The great thing is that on the breaks when S1 has been at home, their relationship is better than ever. Now they don’t have any more of those teenager issues like they did still have occasionally before S1 left home. They’ll just talk and talk in the evenings. It’s fun to see them both so happy.</p>

<p>One thing you may not have thought of is that these kids are home for a month at Christmas and another 3 months in the summer. That’s 4 months…1/3 of the year! Yes, eventually there may be study abroad or other things, but for most kids they will be home during those times for the first year or two if not longer.</p>

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<p>Well, like many have pointed out. He is leaving the house for a different stage of his life. You two will live apart during the school years, but you can/will alway keep in touch.</p>

<p>Our only son just finished his freshman year on the other side of the country. During his middle and high school years, I was driving him to school every morning for 7 long years (40-45 minutes car ride), and we had so many conversations (good and bad, mostly good) in the car. Last year, he went to college, and I had almost the same feeling as you are having now, minus the depression part. When I get home, the house now is so quiet - since he was 6, our house always had music every day because he was either practicing piano or his violin. You can imagine the quietness after he left. However, I keep reminding me that he is having fun in college and busy with his studies. We keep in touch often, sometimes just saying hi to each other on IM. Whenever I really miss him, I will call him on his cell. </p>

<p>You are not losing your son, your son is leaving the house to experience different aspect of his life. It is only a different stage of your relationship, just like any other relationship.</p>

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<p>Everyone has given you great advice. I have only one thing to add: Don’t underestimate the value of a dog. They wander into your home office, too, and if they don’t exactly “shoot the breeze”, they do communicate a lot, including “I REALLY like you!” and “Let’s have fun!” and “Let’s do something together and get ourselves out of this rut!” and “Isn’t this GREAT?!”</p>

<p>I had a similar reaction years ago when I saw American Beauty. All through the movie, I was thinking that I got the same experiences of appreciating random beauty in the world, and a different perspective on things, that the Kevin Spacey character was looking for, but I didn’t have to hit on my daughter’s friends or hang out with teenage drug dealers. I just walked my dog every now and then.</p>

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<p>abric1, I had the same experience as you. When D first went off to college the empty nest syndrome didn’t kick in. In part because we still have another child at home. In part because it was all very exciting - for us and for her – and also because she was just so darn HAPPY. It made us feel happy to see her so happy. </p>

<p>The second year it was a different story. By summer’s end, it was clear D couldn’t wait to get back to school, to her friends, to her whole new way of life. She was even saying things like “This was my LAST summer at home. Next year I’m going to xxxxxxxxx over the summer” and list all kinds of travel/work/intership plans. I flew with her to help her move into her sophomore dorm. She wasn’t thrilled (though she appreciated mom’s extra pair of hands and her extra handy credit card…) and as soon as the move was over, she was DONE with mom. That was hard. Going back home and seeing her room empty (but not clean!) and thinking - it’ll remain empty more or less permanently was hard too. H felt the same way. The second year was way harder than the first, and it took us weeks to get used to the idea of her not being there. </p>

<p>Funny enough, D was home less than two months later: she got mono, had to withdraw from school & spent the next month and a half in bed. In her room (which handy mom of course cleaned to perfection.) </p>

<p>Not that I wish your D gets mono and comes home !! But I wrote this to say – life is strange. And as strange as it sounds, you too (and OP as well) will adjust to this new phase in your life, and may even discover that things could be worse: you could have a resentful but sick teenager home, in bed, for weeks!! When D got better and returned to school in January, gone were the feelings of sadness on our part, and resentment on hers. We were just happy that she was healthy - and heading to a school and friends she missed and loves.</p>

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<p>Don’t know if anyone suggested exercise as a mood stabilizer before you try antidepressants ?
Something as easy to do as walking, and daily sunshine during the winter months have proven to be as effective as antidepressants (Which have all kinds of side effects) if you are moderately depressed.
Googe these alternatives before you embrace prescriptions.</p>

<p>You might be surprised how often you see him next year, especially if you are able to visit him.</p>

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<p>Thanks everyone for your input and support. I feel a bit better having gotten this off my chest.</p>

<p>To those that asked about my depression issues I was diagnosed 7 years ago with major clinical depression and have struggled ever since. I do a pretty good job of hiding it - only my wife and son know. I do take an anti-depressant and plan to talk to my Dr next week about a med change.</p>

<p>Reflecting on this most of day I have realized that not only am I going to miss my S terribly, but that I am more than a bit envious as well. He has his whole life ahead of him and is embarking on a very exciting career choice. He will not be home as much as traditional college students on breaks and during the summer, but that is OK as it is his choice given his military commitment.</p>

<p>Thanks again. Please keep this conversation going. I know I am not the only one feeling this way and the discussion does help.</p>

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<p>I am not a Dr.</p>

<p>What I learned from my one successful round of short term therapy for treating depression was that:</p>

<p>you are not crazy to have these prolonged feelings of sadness;
you are not weak if you need help managing these feelings;
you will be a better dad and a better husband and a better everything if YOU can get better.</p>

<p>I come from a family with very deep denial over anything psychiatric or emotional and as a result I “toughed it out” for way too long. If counseling didin’t work for you get a referral to someone else. If talking doesn’t do it for you, find someone willing to try a course of anti-depressants with therapy.</p>

<p>Now that I am at the other end of the very deep and dark tunnel I was in I have a different perspective. I realize that for many people, as you get older, every loss triggers all the sadness of previous losses… many unresolved or unrecognized. So something that ought to be so joyful- like a kid leaving for college, brings on all the sadness of the death of a parent (even years before), the loss of a job, realization that in middle age you have fewer options than you had 20 years ago, and other losses which you may have just shrugged off or tried to minimize or deny.</p>

<p>I know how painful sending your child off can be- more so because you are probably surrounded by people extolling the benefits of the empty nest. Every time someone talks about doing less grocery shopping or not having sneakers left by the front door or not having mounds of laundry to do, you probably want to cry. That was me.</p>

<p>I’m not ashamed that I needed a professional to get me healthy. If I were a diabetic I would get help to manage my disease. I was depressed and couldn’t “snap out of it”; getting a new hairdo or getting wallpaper for the kitchen or doing any of the moronic things that well meaning friends suggest as ways of “getting a grip” wasn’t working. So I got help.</p>

<p>You sound like such a great and supportive dad. If you were my friend I would give you a hug and tell you that losing a job is very traumatic, and that sending a child off to college is wonderful and scary and fantastic and also traumatic, albeit in a different way. If your inner compass is not allowing you to experience the joyful part along with the scary part, a professional can help.</p>

<p>What got me to therapy was a close friend who said, “I won’t make the appointment for you, but I will hold your hand while you make the phone call, and then I will drive you over there, sit in the car while you are there, and take you for ice cream afterwards.” So think of all of us sitting in your car waiting for you to finish your appointment so we can go for a cone.</p>

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<p>Wow, that was a beautiful post, thank you, i will be in the same boat this summer as my D prepares to leave.</p>