<p>I thought this thread might be of use to you. It contains a lot of emotions about parents and their children going away to college. </p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/237053-we-miss-him-maybe-he-doesn-t-miss-us.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/237053-we-miss-him-maybe-he-doesn-t-miss-us.html</a></p>
<p>Iconsult: I don’t have any words of wisdom or advice to give you, but I do have empathy for your situation since I’m facing the same thing: My only child leaves for college this fall, too. I know exactly how you feel, right down to the twinge of envy you feel. My D is so excited (and maybe a tad apprehensive) about leaving, and I really don’t want to rain on her parade - obviously she knows how I feel, but I don’t want her to be overly concerned about my impending meltdown!</p>
<p>Anyway, thanks for bringing this up. I’ll be joining your pity party in September.</p>
<p>Wow Blossom, that’s some friend. You’re very lucky to have her/him.</p>
<p>My solution was finding a new hobby that I never imagined that I would enjoy. Since I do not enjoy doing any housework, having anumals in house, watching TV, reading, shopping, etc., having “empty” house really worried me even before it happened. Then I thought about learning new language. However, it did not go any further than installing software on computer. So I decided to find something else, and I do not have a free time and not bored anymore, which is what I was looking for. I have been working full time, so I did not have many hour to fill, just evenings + weekends. The point is, if you like to be busy and enjoy your time, keep on looking and you will find your fun activity.</p>
<p>Blossom- profound post.</p>
<p>I realized today after reading this post for some parents the sadness or emptiness is so much more than just their child leaving. It opens up an emotional can of worms for many of us and that in addition to having our child leave is sometimes overwhelming. For me it’s brought back memories of when I left for college myself and how univolved my own parents were. I compare myself to my own mother and it brings back a flood of emotions that I really don’t need in addition to the anticipation of my own DD leaving. For some of us it’s the reality that we’re getting older suddenly smacking us in the face now that we have a child in college. For some parents maybe the realization their kids is really what held their marriage together all these years and now they may have to face that. For some it’s the financial reality that maybe they haven’t saved for retirement or college and now there’s that stress in addition to the child leaving. For some of us it’s envy or even regret that we may have not made the best career choice or had the same opportunity our kids have. I think it becomes a very self reflective time and its about much more than our kids leaving.
To the OP clinical depression is not something that should be hidden or toughed out. It can’t be excercised away. If counseling didn’t work in the past, try a new counselor until you find one that really helps. There are some awful ones and some wonderful ones that can make a huge difference. If medication didn’t help there is certainly a better one now available. Finding the right counselor or right medication can change your life and it’s also the best gift you can give to your child. It almost always impacts your family and you may not realize just how much. There are lots of people on this board in the same boat with the same feelings and great advice. You are not alone with these feelings!!!</p>
<p>Iconsult - I think I’ve posted on every one of the “empty nest” threads since DD started college in the fall of 2006!</p>
<p>What I can add, FWIW:</p>
<p>1) I was really sad the 1st semester. Then came Thanksgiving & Christmas. So nice to have her back for awhile. I was really sad the 2nd semester. Then she came home for the summer to work a “regular” boring summer job. Again, it was nice. I was really sad the 3rd semester, but thought it was better because I liked her new roomies WAY better than the ones from freshman year and she was so happy. THEN came Thanksgiving - during/after that holiday, I was a total basketcase. D told us she wasn’t planning to come home for spring break (she didn’t) and would definitely not be home the next summer (she isn’t.) I started a CC thread and found out that many experienced parents also had a MUCH worse 2nd year - that made me feel so much better! I wasn’t a “crazy” mom and I wasn’t alone! My CC buddies let me vent and pulled me through in, strangely, a way no one else could.</p>
<p>2) I completely relate to your envy. Sometimes I think that’s my real emotion - I’m just jealous. DD is much smarter that I could ever be, she’s loves her life, she’s young and beautiful, and her future is VERY bright. How could I not wish to walk in her shoes for a few minutes? </p>
<p>On the bright side, she still needs me. Summer living arrangements have her living on her own for the 1st time, which leads to numerous grocery shopping & cooking discussions. She calls me when walking from the parking lot to her lab, she calls me from the grocery store, and we IM when she’s not with BF in the evenings. I still miss her physical presence sometimes, but she’s nearly as close as ever.</p>
<p>I know how you feel. I’m going to have a hard time, I think. This is what I posted not long ago on [another</a> thread](<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/504919-anxiety-beginning-set.html#post1060326233]another”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/504919-anxiety-beginning-set.html#post1060326233):</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>By the way, I’ve had pretty severe anxiety problems most of my life, and have been taking both lexapro and wellbutrin for the last two years or so. Things are better (I very rarely, if ever, get serious anxiety attacks anymore), but odd, ridiculous worries about my son still cross my mind sometimes. I’m sure they’re partly symbolic, in some way, of my fears that I won’t be “needed” anymore to watch out for him. And won’t be able to. Like, wondering – even though he’s 18 now, not 6 anymore! – whether he’ll remember to wear a hat and gloves when it’s cold in Chicago this winter, or not to walk in dangerous neighborhoods, or to be careful crossing the Midway. (When he was 11, he was hit by a car while crossing the street, not paying close enough attention, and the same thing happened a year or so later, and although he wasn’t seriously hurt either time, I still get pretty upset sometimes thinking about what <em>could</em> have happened. I’m sure the fact that my mother died after we were in a car accident while she was driving me home from New Haven at the end of my last year at Yale, when I was 20, has a lot to do with why that subject freaks me out, but knowing why something bothers you doesn’t always solve the problem!)</p>
<p>Anyway, sorry to digress. One thing I’m really hoping to do in the next year or so is to try to move back to New York City. Ever since the end of my marriage, I’ve felt quite isolated where I am in New Jersey, even though I’ve lived here for more than 20 years. Most of my friends are, and always have been, in New York. And we all know that it’s an uphill trip from New York City to New Jersey: people never want to seem to make that trip if they live in New York; they always assume that you’re going to come into the City to see them! Living there again would be good for me, I think, after my son is settled in college. My ex is from New Jersey and will, I’m sure, always stay there, so my son won’t lose his connection to New Jersey even if I do move. Even though I certainly can’t afford to live where I grew up, in midtown Manhattan. I was thinking maybe Washington Heights/Fort Tryon Park, or maybe Queens. Brooklyn’s getting awfully expensive these days too. Anyplace, really, even someplace in New Jersey like Hoboken or Jersey City accessible to the City by PATH train, would be an improvement. I’m tired of fighting traffic every day, either driving or taking a New Jersey Transit bus, on my commute. The subway would feel like heaven, by comparison.</p>
<p>Donna</p>
<p>I think there has been some good advice on the thread regarding depression, and you’'ve indicated you’ll be talking with your Dr. about your medication.</p>
<p>The “Does he miss us” thread is very long, but there is some wonderful sympathizing and suggestions there.</p>
<p>Once he starts school, one of the suggestions that you might consider is to work out a specific night, once a week, for your S to call you. While he may be the kind of kid that will call every day, he may be a kid who thinks he needs to prove his independence…and will do that by not calling or comminicating with any regular frequency. This seems to be a particular issue with boys (although not all boys.). </p>
<p>Anyway…what worked with us…after not hearing from S in his first 3 weeks away…was to tell him we needed to hear from him once a week. We told him it didn’t need to be a long call, we just wanted to hear his voice. We let him select the night. He happened to pick the night we are almost always home. We didn’t specify a time. We asked that he e-mail us or leave a message another time during that day if he wasn’t going to be able to call.</p>
<p>We occasionally hear from him other than the once a week call…but…for a few years now…we have “religiously” received that call. A few of the calls are very brief and fit the need for us to hear his voice…but most last a while and are especially helpful for my H…who, like you, misses a young man who is becoming a best friend.</p>
<p>Like many other parents here, I was feeling the same way as you last summer before my daughter (only child) and best buddy went off to school. I cried most of the summer away with fear of her being away even though I was very excited for her. To make it easy for me a cousin of mine whose only child who is a year ahead of my daughter laid it out for me in a manageable way.</p>
<p>She said to look at it as small vacations. The first part of her vacation she will be away for about 5-6 weeks before parents weekend. Sometimes they come home around that time for a weekend as well. Then they go on another vacation only to return for a week or so at Thanksgiving. Then a shorter vacation, about 3 weeks away, then home for a month at Christmas and half the school year is over by then! Then you do it again the second semester. It really was a nice way to put it.</p>
<p>Also with the internet and cell phones you can always be easily in touch. I did not want to intrude on my daughter and invade her privacy, one thing she did for me when she was on-line was to have an “away message” I would run the mouse over top of it and it would usually say what she was doing. I had peace of mind, knew what she was doing, and did not have to talk to her or bug her at all. If she wanted me, she would send me messages or call. If I wanted to tell her some news I would send her an e-mail that she could read or reply at her convenience.</p>
<p>The first school year went by much faster than I had imagined, and not nearly as horrible, or traumatic as I had expected. I’m sure you will be fine, it was much worse thinking about it than it actually was.</p>
<p>Lots of sex. Never fails!</p>
<p>I still say, get busy with whatever in your own life, strive for your own accomplishments, have fun with whatever (could be sex, if it fills your 16 hours). You are giving children enough support, there is no need to get depressed over them moving on. We all tend to overanalyze our lives if we are not busy enjoying it.</p>
<p>“We all tend to overanalyze our lives if we are not busy enjoying it.” </p>
<p>Great comment. I think you hit it on the head.</p>
<p>you are not alone. Having a child leave the house is a traumatic event. We worry about them being safe, getting sick, doing well in school etc. All in all it gives them a chance to grow up and be somewhat independent and gives us a chance to do things we never had time to do before. It is ok to feel sad. you will be amazed at how fast the time will go bye. Give your child a web cam and you can “visit with them” on a regular basis. With my last child going away to college this fall, I plan on returning to my local college for some courses I always wanted to take. I’m hoping this will be more than enough to ease the transition. Good luck to you</p>
<p>I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. My husband and I took our eldest daughter to college this past weekend. No one prepared me for the pain of seperation even though she is only 3 hours away. It feels like she’s on the moon. My husband is so wonderful and tells me that it’s all normal and that it will get better. While we have two more children at home 12 and 16 who seem to be taking the oldest going off as no problem. They’re excited for her and can’t wait to go to college themselves…Oh. My. God. I have to go through this twice more? My heart can’t take it. I didn’t think I had this much water in my body as I should be a wrinkled prune by now with all the crying I’m doing(even as I type this). Please tell me it gets easier…</p>
<p>WOW, I am glad you posted this so you can see your feelings are not alone. You brought tears to my eyes to see such a man so attached to his kids…and willing to admit the pain of letting them go so they can grow. Your job is done for the most part and you will change into a new role in his life. As close as you are I am sure that he will reach out to you in many ways to share the good, the bad and the ugly of college life. </p>
<p>Having your only child leave is definitely hard. Adopt others at least on a site like this…helping them through the process you just negotiated with your son. There are many kids at your h.s. or public schools that dont have a mentor to guide them through the slippery slope process of getting into college. Then fill your time withe learning new skills, maybe you both could learn scuba separately and enjoy that for some vacations, or climbing, or take a course online…</p>
<p>Its hard. hang in there it is transitional time for you and him…feeling sad is ok…missing him is ok, …just takes time.</p>
<p>Iconsult, how’s it going?</p>
<p>Yes, it gets easier – eventually. This is our 5th semester (start of junior year) and for the 1st time I didn’t cry when I left her. I can say that the fine folks here at CC always help out when I’m feeling down. They got me through the beginning & Thanksgiving of sophomore year - that was by far the worst.</p>
<p>We dropped off D2 this past weekend also for a freshman pre-orientation program that takes place a week before the campuswide move in date. To the school’s credit, they had move in so well organized and staffed we hardly had time to blink before everything was unloaded and set up. I was impressed at what a good job was done when the oldest was dropped at off her school a couple years ago, but the efficiency of this place was really off the charts. </p>
<p>Anyway, the mini parent orientation was set up so parents would have one last time to say goodbye before departing. Well, the speakers went over their time limit - I’m not sure they all understood what was supposed to happen. Unfortunately, in their attempt to stay on schedule, the time allotted for those final goodbyes was skipped over. Students were led away to begin their respective programs and that was the end. Big mistake. We weren’t happy campers about departing that way. At least for us though, we figured we might have a chance to come back next weekend when all the other students returned to campus. For many parents, however, that was it until Parent’s Weekend or the holidays. As we left the chapel, several parents and relatives were visibly emotional, some almost uncontrollably so - men, women, siblings, you name it. I felt so horrible for them, especially for those dropping off a child for the first time. Yeah, I’d definitely say it was a traumatic experience for most.</p>
<p>I guess it doesn’t help that today is my day off from work and everyone else is either at school or work. I can’t get out of my own head and I can’t focus on anything else other than my daughter is GONE. It’s too quiet. Is this process similar to the mourning process? How long should I expect to feel this way before it starts to get easier? I’m a mess and don’t know what to do with myself…I’m feeling sorry for myself too. Ugh. This sucks.</p>