Truly need your insights/help with problematic teen party

Parent Cafe
41

This really depends on the individual teen and his/her personality and how much that will influence his/her reaction not only now…but long-term.

One older HS classmate’s parent pulled this sort of BS on her D not only in HS, but also for 2 years afterwards until said classmate moved out at 20 and permanently cut off all contact with said parents. It has now been 24+ years since she moved out and she still refuses to resume contact despite a successful career and marriage.

While some parents are ok with this, those who aren’t should be prepared for the possibility of this reaction if they pull the “My house, my rules, come back at midnight(or earlier*)”.

  • Said HS classmate's parents set the curfew at 10 pm....even after doing well for 2 years at a local public college.
42

Do, let him go.
Do, make him take an uber/taxi/public transportation to the party.
Don’t wait up all night, so you can interrogate him when he stumbles in the door at 3am.
Don’t give him the sex ed talk. That should have happened when he was 12.

43

Cobrat, there must have been another dynamic going on as well. Plus college age is a different story. One of the greater things about having lifelong friends is seeing how some very difficult parental dynamics in HS became kind, loving and respectful over the decades.

Regarding calling the authorities-as a single parent of teens who worked nights on occasion, I knew my house was the party house at times. How much, I probably will never know. My kids knew how I felt, even though they had a less hard partying social circle than some and hid well what did go on. I gave full license to my immediate neighbors, on both sides, to call the police if warranted. They were never called, but one neighbor did ask for a party to be toned down.

44

If you’re going to have anything that resembles a party at your home or anything even rumored to resemble a party, you want to helicopter so close they go deaf from the sounds of the blades. No sane person wants the liability of being a social host or permissive host.

45

What constitutes “college age” can vary greatly as underscored by the fact many including yours truly didn’t turn 18 until well into our first or sometimes even our second year in college.

Or if you want a more extreme example, an undergrad classmate a few graduating classes ahead of me WHO GRADUATED from our private LAC with high honors at 17 and according to his father, had been effectively living on his own like a young adult since the age of ~10-11. Was an interesting experience to observe him give advice on college and living outside of parental supervision to his older sister when she started at our college at the “normal” age of 18.

Instead of arbitrary milestones like HS, college or even numerical ages, better to assess each individual child by his/her maturity level.

Some 10 year olds can be just as/more mature than some 18 or much older adults…and just as/if not more often…vice versa as shown by recent current events.

46

“Don’t give him the sex ed talk. That should have happened when he was 12.”

Sure but a lot of those talks we give our kids when they are young bear repeating. If you only had to tell your kids things once, parenting would be oh so easy. As the saying goes, you can’t spell mother without smother. It comes with the job title. :slight_smile:

47

Now, this thread is getting ridiculous. Any parent who tried to setup their 10 year old as independent, with their own apartment, would get social services called and lose custody.

48

Well…that’s the father’s own account. Incidentally, the classmate in question has been a tenure track Prof for a few years and will hopefully be getting tenure shortly.

49

Roe–I guess it depends on the kids and the house and the parents.
Perhaps the rotor blades were closer than I thought. Although I’ve never felt the need to step into a party.
My kids friends still show up years later so I’m probably safe. I still enjoy seeing them.

Or maybe the kids I dealt with are better behaved (or more likely knew the house rules).

Or I got lucky.
Lucky my kids knew I wouldn’t put up with bad behavior or illegal activity.
Lucky their friends respected the house rules.

We all have different opinions of a “great party”.

The older my kids got–the uber ride option was already programmed in.

Here’s what I DO know…from multiple sources… (fortunately not mine!)
Community service sucks.
Nobody wants to deal with ANY of this crap especially close to graduation.
Nobody wants to deal with this EVER!
Getting caught doing illegal whatever–alcohol, drugs–is a total time suck and career ruining situation.

One stupid night will haunt you for months.

50

@cobrat

I’m sure there’s cases of child neglect, which never get reported to social services. One anecdote about someone who got away with it doesn’t make it either legal or a good idea.

51

Well, I think I will be in the minority here but I would simply say no.
While he will be 18 he is not living his own and is not planning to pay for his own college.
If I did not say no outright I would tell him that I would be stopping by unannounced 1-2 times.
And I would do it. I would tell him to tell his friend that I would be stopping by.

I told my kids that while I did understand that in a few months they would be able to do
anything that they chose to do that for now I was still on duty. It was my job to stay on the
job. They have no idea that one party could keep them from leaving for college or much worse.

Fast forward and my very depressed S --depressed because his GF of years had cheated on him–
decided to date a Junior in HS when he was a Sophomore in College. Uh No.
She had not turned 18 and in our county he could easily, and I do mean easily, have gone to jail
if anyone at all decided to report him for so much as hugging her too intimately. I have a friend who
works for the county with “such offenders” and she was super clear about this and other issues.
Many difficult discussions. He was supremely upset. We refuse to let him drive our car to see her.
I asked for her father’s phone number and called only to find out that the dad thought it was great that
his daughter wanted to date a college guy. When I brought up the possible sex abuse charges should
anything progress he laughed and said he would visit our S in jail. And yes, S was really wanting an intimate relationship and I knew this from our discussions in general. He was nearly 21 and I
had no issue with that in the right relationship.

I have never ever regretted being the Alpha. But it sure is not easy and there is definitely not much
support especially after they are 18.

52

Oregon–I don’t think you’ll get much opposition around here.
It always depends on your circumstances and the situations.
The main objective is to keep your kids safe and while you want to let them have some free rein as they get older you certainly want to avoid trouble.

53

I think one mistake some parents make is they evaluate how their kids are when things are normal and they are at home. For example, thinking how responsible their kids are. Sure they are. When they are at home on a Tuesday night watching TV with mom and dad home. But when kids go to a party, no matter how responsible they normally are, and mom and dad aren’t there, it is amazing what peer pressure can make anyone do.

We did some amazing, criminal, ridiculous, outrageous, embarrassing, never to be spoken of again things in my circle at that age. Yes, we got away with it.

But, I always break out my I was your age once speech. I remind my kids there is nothing they can do or even think of doing that we didn’t do back in my day. In my household, that cuts through the BS quickly. They realize I am not dumb and I was not born yesterday and even though I trust them I know exactly how peer pressure works.

In the OP’s situation, it might be that it isn’t a big party and not a big deal and that is why the OP’s son didn’t tell the parent. Sure, that could be the case. But, I think another parent had it right when he or she posted “what do you think they are going to do play cards?” Exactly. Anything good they can do they can do with parents around. If parents aren’t around you know what is going to happen. Well, you should know.

One mistake can last a lifetime. In my mind, that justifies tough love. If you say no and ground them you get the rebellion stuff and the kids turning you out. That is why you have to convince them of your values so that they think getting puke faced drunk and putting God knows what in their blood stream is as disgusting as you do. A few times a week I hear about this and that local kid on the news who has OD’d on some designer drug of choice. They do not report incidents of STD’s on the news but that is another huge risk factor. One news report from a few months ago was how a local teen meet two guys to sell something, I can’t remember what, but the two guys shot him, robbed him, and then burned his body on a local walking trail to cover up the evidence. That isn’t a party but it is another reason to pay very close attention to what your kids are doing.

As far age, my kids will always be my kids. I will always tell them what to do. Always. They might not always listen but I will try to steer them in the right direction as long as I am alive. I don’t think any parent should apologize for that either. I trust my kids but I trust them a lot more when I keep tabs on them.

54

And again, you’re being blinkered by looking at the numerical age of the individual rather than fully assessing the individual child/adolescent’s maturity, responsibility, and independence level/capabilities.

As I said before…best to assess each person’s maturity as not all 21+ year olds are necessarily more mature than your typical toddlers/young children and conversely…some 18 and under folks…including some 10 year olds will chafe at being treated/educated like average 10 year olds because their maturity/responsibility/independence level is much more at the level of a level-headed 21+ year old adult.

55

Here is one good reason to have the wild party in the birthday kid’s parents’ house: that neighbor who is on the phone with the cops asking them about coming out to deal with the noise may tell the cops to hold off if the mom runs out and begs and the noise actually stops…

(I was that neighbor once - got tired of catching china falling out of my cupboards because the noise across the street was wall-shaking - the parents did put a kibosh on it while Mr. was on the phone with the police, so we told the cops to nevermind. If there were no parents present, the outcome would have been different. )

Another idea: warn the neighbors about possible noise from the party in advance - we are all human and can accommodate an inconvenience once in a while. And try to keep it a notch below jet engine decibel level.

56

^good idea Bunsen (warning the neighbors in advance) – that’s what I did on DS’s 18th birthday party. I said we’d try to keep it down and everyone would be gone by 11 (it was on a school night) and me and DH would be there the whole time.

57
  • but also not the kind of kid who’s 100% dependable 100% of the time *

do you think that this is going to change magically at the stroke of midnight when he goes from 17 to 18?

listen to your instincts. its ok to say no.

there, you have permission :slight_smile:

58

The sex ed talk I gave at 12 was very different from the one I gave my son going off to college.

59

Tell your son that even though chances are that this party will be fine, as a parent who loves him, you want to let him know you will always support him. And as a parent, you can’t stand the thought of not warning him about some of the horror stories he may not be aware of. Things like cops showing up because of neighbors complaints, or because of an anonymous tip from someone’s ex girlfriend who wants to get revenge on someone in the crowd that didn’t invite her…this stuff happens. Come up with a couple of good stories and tell him that if nothing else, he can tell his friends how much his old man is worried about him. There are other young people there, they will undoubtedly talk about which of their non-invited classmates or ex-girlfriends would be most likely to rat on them.

Everyone likes to have a good time, and you know that the Shrek-themed decorations, ice cream, cookies and juice box parties when he turned 8 are long gone despite how much you want to relive them. You should tell him you are prepared to pick him up at whatever late hour, no questions, and you won’t put your PJ’s on so you can get him at a moment’s notice. You should tell him you are going to take a nap that afternoon, so you can safely drive. Under no circumstances he is to get in a car if he or the driver is under the influence.

If you are like my DH, you would probably ask if there are going to be strippers there, and if not, he’d offer to get one. It is his 18th birthday, after all. You want to make sure he has a couple of condoms in his wallet - and tell him before he asks, you understand that he might feel awkward asking about more of them, and this may be awkward for you as well, but tell him you aren’t going to judge, and you are going to just assume that he gave them to a friend who didn’t think ahead.

60

Hi guys, OP here. The parenting advice here is so spot-on…my last kid is going to college next year but I’m going to be a CC’er until I marry them off (or they put me in the Home).

So here’s what happened:
DS said that he wasn’t even sure if its going to be a party yet…right now, it’s kids on Snapchat talking about maybe a party.

He’s going to be Uber-bound…no car whatsoever. And spend the night at his friend’s apartment (but will text when they call it a night).

I am going to contact a couple of parents who I have a secret handshake with and ask them to help monitor the chatter with me…so I’m not responsible for all of the kids.

The kid and I are talking again this weekend as things finalize.

many thanks!