Truly need your insights/help with problematic teen party

Parent Cafe
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My thoughts on this are with kids as they grow, there comes a time when you have to trust them, that trust changes as they grow older and/or mature. No matter how much we try, kids are going to slip and fall, they are going to make mistakes, it is part of growing up. The tricky part of course is always “how much”, and with our S it was always “as much as we felt he could handle, was ready for”, which of course is totally unscientific, totally by the gut, and certainly isn’t failproof…and it is why there is no one right answer, every method of parenting, every decision you make as a parent has consequences, seen and unforseen, and you do the best you can.

There were times when we said no to our son with things (not like this scenario, his world was very different than a typical high school kid because of music), but there were times when he wanted to do something and we said no because our gut said it wasn’t good (primarily because we believed that he would end up getting hurt emotionally). We had things we said yes to that now looking back we wouldn’t do again(like my son at 11 attending a music festival where most of the kids were older high school and college age), but he learned from it as did we.

My mom always said that once a kid hits 15, 16 there is very little as a parent we can do to shape them, and while I don’t totally agree, I agree there is a point where we have to learn to trust them and our judgement and yes, let them take the consequences of their actions. So taking the example of a party when the kid is 18, so as a parent you say no, afraid of the consequences of it (drinking, sex, etc)…but what happens when they are 18 and away from home, has saying no done anything towards making that less risky? (and again, this is just my thinking, it isn’t criticism of those who might say no…:).

The kid will have to jump at some time, and I like what @SouthernHope did, gave him parameters she felt safe with but let him make up his own mind, and also got something back for him (letting her know when it was over, so she wouldn’t fret, that showed respect for her feelings)…and like Reagan, also had a bit of “trust but verify”…and with her approach @SouthernHope also if this goes well, gains a piece of mind that when her S is away he will know how to handle himself:).

My S is getting ready to graduate from conservatory this year, and guess what, he has done some dumb things, that had consequences including a medical scare caused by doing something dumb, despite what we tried to teach him, but that is life, you make mistakes and learn from them. My take is hopefully by allowing kids to take chances as they grow up, by giving them as much leeway as you feel comfortable with while remaining a parent, if the kid does make mistakes they won’t be the major ones we fear (serious illness, injury, legal trouble) and ones they can recover from, and of course we still can be there to help when they do slip.

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@rosered55 THAT is awful… unfortunately that kind of thing happens which is what kids don’t seem to grasp

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@rosered55 I am always amazed that parents do this-- we would NEVER because of this. My SD and her friend (17) took beer from our fridge while they were are our home. We didn’t know of course. When we realized we reamed SD (she is the older one - she was 19, friend was 17) because what if those parents had an issue and what would happen to US??? She thought it was all cool because nobody was driving but it isn’t.

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@cobrat wrote: Instead of arbitrary milestones like HS, college or even numerical ages, better to assess each individual child by his/her maturity level.

That’s fine, and you can do that, but the law has its own arbitrary rules and we all have to live within those rules. Even the most mature 14 year old can’t get a driver’s license (even if he’s been driving since he was 6 and even if he’s 6’ tall). Even the most mature, fully emancipated 15 year old can’t buy a bottle of champagne to celebrate his graduation from high school three years early. The law says the most immature boy gets full adult status at 18 even if you wouldn’t trust him to walk the dog around the block. That very immature 18 year old will face different charges for the same act than the extremely mature, college graduate 16 year old. That’s the law.

There are factors determined by the arbitrary milestones and we have to live with them. I’ve set some for my kids and I know they can walk away at any time if they don’t want to live with my rules. As they’ve gotten older, the rules that seemed so stupid as 14 year olds often make sense now that they are 21 and 20.

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I would warn the hosting people about parents like me. :slight_smile: I’ve done the best I could with my children and try to set reasonable parameters. But they know I will be that parent who calls the police and hires a really good attorney to pursue charges if things go down wrong. It is going to be a painful lesson for all involved. As far a graduation party, we can host for our child and his friends at a restaurant and stay out of the way.

My dependents need to follow my rules, which of course get more lenient with age and proven ability to handle responsibility. Independent people need to go be independent and come over occasionally for dinner. :slight_smile:

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Audience point of view matters to me. I am fine with condemning deliberate debasement of others. Of course I’m not a mind reader

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I remember a conversation D1 and I had when she was 17 about going to a party while parents weren’t home. I said if police should show up because the neighbors called then she would be trespassing and for underage drinking. I asked her if it was worth it to take a chance to have it on her record when she was applying to colleges.

When she was a senior in high school she was allowed to go to friends’ house as long as the parents were there. I knew there were alcohol, but I also knew those kids’ parents. I knew those parents wouldn’t let things get out of hand. D1 had us drop/pick up if there was going to be alcohol.

For D1’s 18th birthday I arranged a dinner in NYC for her and her friends. I called ahead of time to make sure there was no alcohol served at dinner. The kids enjoyed it and felt very grown up.

I have hosted dinners at home for my kids after 18 where wine/beer were served. I left it up to them to tell their parents or not.

In OP’s case, I would tell the son what could possibly happen if police were called and make sure he understands what consequences he may face. With all the risk involved, I think I would opt to host a party for the son and advise him not to go the party.

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MODERATOR’S NOTE:
From the “assuming facts not in evidence” department, OP made no mention of strippers, so the 19 posts about them (which I deleted) are seriously off-topic. Let’s stay on track please.

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S1 wanted a New Year’s eve party here his freshman year of college…with drinking. We said no way. I’m not about to assume that type of potential (and likely, in my view) liability.

This is how not to be the parent of the party: Local Mom lets under-age son have drinking party. Mom is present. Neighbors call cops for noise. Cops arrive; mom gets mouthy. Mom gets arrested for assaulting an officer.

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No…mom would get arrested for providing alcohol to minors.

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It amazes me how much liability some parents will assume. I hope they carried a very large umbrella.

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We all weighted risk/benefits for our kids carefully, took necessary precautions and acted accordingly.

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And while some like @roethlisburger feel this is too permissive and the chopper blades need to be hovering closer, @oldfort is actually much more strict with her HS senior than my parents were.

I went to friends’ homes plenty of times when their parents weren’t home not only throughout HS, but even in 8th grade. And this was during the tail end of the high crime era in NYC from the late '80’s till the mid '90s.

By senior year of HS, other than going to HS, not having much money, and living with my parents, I was pretty much living like older friends who were commuter college students.

Granted, a large part of this was my parents knowing me well enough to know I’m not the type to get into the drugs/alcohol/party scene. And their confidence wasn’t misplaced…well…with the possible exception of a few occasions during undergrad when my friends and I crashed some fraternity parties, wedding receptions, and a few conventions to take advantage of the free food opportunities*. :smiley:

  • I was an 18 year old college sophomore at the time. :)
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"Now that you’re an adult, you need to take on adult responsibilities. This means telling the truth even when you know you won’t like the response. I’m hurt that you didn’t tell me about the party yourself, but now that I know, I am going to do the adult thing and tell you the truth.

"If the cops come to the party, you could be charged as an adult. This can result in the loss of scholarships, college acceptances, and senior year privileges. All of these things have happened, even to kids who weren’t actually drinking. It’s called ‘constructive possession.’ You could also end up with a criminal record.

“Because we love you, we will allow you to take the legal consequences, but we don’t want you to die, so we’ll be picking you up at X time or require you to stay at the apartment the entire night.”

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@oldfort

To clarify, I was referring to the risk taken by the parents hosting the underage drinking party, not you.

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“I have hosted dinners at home for my kids after 18 where wine/beer were served. I left it up to them to tell their parents or not.”

You should not be serving kids under 21 alcohol. It doesn’t matter whether they tell there parents or not it’s against the law.

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@cobrat I feel pretty sure underage drinking didn’t result in arrest nearly as often as it does today

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The reality is that by age 18, your child is now an adult and the moral compass has pretty much been set over the years you raised them. You just hope you did a good job doing what you thought was right.

He will need to visit the party and do what he feels is proper.

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One thing to keep in mind is that even if let’s say your kid went to someone’s home where the parents were home, and you gave them permission to serve your kids alcohol, it is illegal (this is a bit off thread, but I have heard parents say they didn’t worry about their kids and underage drinking at another house because they knew the parents and had given permission…and that legally isn’t true, in states where parents can give their kids alcohol, it requires the parent to be present, in loco parentis doesn’t work).

Again, in terms of an 18 year old going to a party or whatnot, you have to hope they are smart enough to know the consequences and have internalized it enough that it overrides the little voice saying “do it”. My dad, for whatever faults he had, said the best you can do is teach your kid about consequences of their actions and about self respect, and hope that when they go out into the world they have taken that in deep enough to apply it, if not always, to keep them out of serious trouble, but you also can’t take their falls for them, prevent everything. There were times when I was 17, 18, where my parents would step in, but it was rare.

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@MassDaD68 I agree, but I do think pointing out potential risks that an 18 year old may not have thought about is a good thing! They just don’t KNOW