<p>Maybe I am the suspicious type but it seems to me that smile has pimped a gps, a driving school, and a drug test. What’s next? Maybe there’s a daughter that needs to have a pregnancy test once a month. Just to be on the safe side. Trust, but verify!</p>
<p>lol…i don’t have any daughters (thank the lord) … I would be concerned. That’s for sure.
I have one child that I am trying to keep from taking after his dad. when I heard him listening to Pink Floyd, I knew something was in the air…lol</p>
<p>he is not a minor,</p>
<p>since when is 16 years old not a minor. you are making very little since.</p>
<p>Last year when I was switching car insurance, there was an option for them to install a GPS to monitor our speed and it would drastically lower our premium. I opted out of it because I felt it was an invasion of privacy. </p>
<p>I don’t have any issue with what the OP is doing. Teenagers don’t often make best decisions, as most of us are aware. The problem I have is the non-disclosure part. D1’s car came with such device, and we decided not to turn it on. But if we did, I would have told her. It would still be effective, but she wouldn’t feel like she was spied on without her knowledge.</p>
<p>What I’m about to say may be controversial but…</p>
<p>I’ve had several friends who have done the type of thing the OP is describing and yes, it works to a large degree. The problem is those kids then choose to go very far away for college and never return and never want to have a close relationship with their parents again. We all know people who limit their contact with their parents because those parents were very controlling.</p>
<p>A close friend is dealing with this right now. Her son went off to college a few states away and he didn’t even want to come home for spring break. She was very controlling with him all the way up until the time he went off to college (calling other parents, checking up on him, etc) and even now that he is in college. He told all his friends (he’s a friend of my son’s) that he was going away to get far away from his parents as possible. It breaks my heart to know my friend’s son feels this way about her. These are good parents but they didn’t understand that kids need the freedom to make their own choices and, yes, mistakes. </p>
<p>I was relatively strict with my son but I made the decision early on not to spy on him without his permission. I understand the fear the OP was feeling and the need to try and control his son’s actions. Trust me…we all feel that fear. However, there’s a breach of boundaries there that can do immense damage to a parent-child relationship that can last a life-time. Just my two cents.</p>
<p>■■■■■…</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Trust has to go both ways in order for there to be any kind of a relationship. You’re his parent, not his prison warden.</p>
<p>I’ll only say a few more things on this, because I don’t want to feed the ■■■■■:</p>
<ol>
<li>Did you even TRY talking to your son before you went full-out Big Brother on him? You say you “mentioned the talks you have”, but I know plenty of teenagers (myself included) who got all the motivation they needed to be safe simply because their parents talked to them about the fact that they were driving several thousand pounds of metal that could injure or kill someone.</li>
<li>Your grammar and spelling issues make it difficult for others to make “since” of your posts. You might want to work on that.</li>
</ol>
<p>now drug prevention</p>
<p>Although not the original intended use of the GPS tracking system, we were able to see where our son was while checking his speed…
he had one month left in the 9th grade when he begin using the truck…around the spring of the 10th grade we begin to notice that he was driving into a section of town he had no business being in and stop for 5 minutes or so and then drive to the levee where he slowed down to around 5 mph and stayed on the levee in the middle of nowhere for 30 minutes or so and then go on back to town.
we took note of this and noticed it happening several more times…I ordered several drug testing kits and checked his urine after one of his slow rides on the levee…positive marijuana…
prior to this, I had many conversations with my son about the perils of any drug, including marijuana, and I was assured by him that I could trust him not to partake…I had told him that i would trust him and give him plenty of space until he gave me a reason to doubt him…
we grounded him for one week and took away all electronics, truck, cell phone…everything but books and keyboards…we told him if there was a next time we would ground him for 2 or 3 weeks, maybe more…he assured us that he had learned his lesson and it would never happen again…
several months went by and we noticed him in the same location in the bad neighborhood followed by a slow drive on the levee…a few days later i asked him how he was handling things when drugs were around… he reassured us that he had learned his lesson and that he would leave that to everyone else…he said he did not like it anyway… he was very convincing, not batting an eye…
a few days later, the whole routine repeated itself…i told him that a friend of mine thought he had spotted his truck in so and so neighborhood and asked him if it was indeed his truck and if so what was he doing there…he assured me that my friend had made a mistake and that he had never been to that neighborhood…I said i hoped so because there was only one reason to be in that neighborhood and we will not tolerate it…
**I asked[b/] if I could trust him to never buy marijuana and he assured me that he would not do that…
a few days later, same thing…i called him on the phone and persuaded him to come home under false pretenses and drug tested him…positive marijuana …grounded two weeks…
this happened two other times and he was grounded 3 weeks each time…
after the second 3 week grounding, we told him that if he tested positive again that we were going to rock his world as he knew it to be… I told him I would sell his truck and his mother or I would be taking him to school and picking him up for the rest of his high school days…we told him his cell phone would be disconnected, his x-box and TV sold and anything else that we could think of…we were dead serious and he knew it…
fast forward…we have randomly drug tested him over over 12 times and I believe he is drug free…I also know who he was hanging out with back then and who he hanging out with now…where he was going then and where he is going now… and that is further confirmation to us that he is drug free…
will he smoke pot again…honestly, i would be shocked if he did not…however, he will be more mature then than he was 2 years ago…in the future the consequences will not come from his parents but from society…
our son has been accepted to a top 50 university and, regardless of his major, he is planning to take the prerequisites to med school…he thinks a career as some type surgeon is something that he wants to pursue…
I have told him that drinking responsibly and in moderation is acceptable but that he would be better off without drinking…i told him that unlike alcohol, marijuana stays with you…if you smoke weed frequently, your mind will not be as sharp, you will calculate slower, you will recall less information from your brain on demand…you will not be able to compete with those who take the clean route…
furthermore, your reputation will be damaged and possibly prevent positive letters of recommendations to med school…
marijuana or any other drug is just not worth it… drugs will steal your dreams and rob you of your self esteem…drugs are enticing, sexy and sustainable for several years…drugs can captivate you…by the time you come out of it (if you come out)you will find yourself in a land of limited opportunity in many career fields…</p>
<p>The problem I have is the non-disclosure part.</p>
<p>I understand what you are saying.
However, my son never would have taken his own vehicle to buy drugs or ended up in his vehicle in places that he knows he should not be.
I am talking about neighborhoods where they shoot people and rob people. I am talking about driving a vehicle high.
If my son knew that I knew where he was, he would have parked his truck at the movies and be God knows where with God knows who.
So for those of you who cannot understand why the non-disclosure, maybe it is because you think it could never happen to your child.</p>
<p>The problem is those kids then choose to go very far away for college and never return and never want to have a close relationship with their parents again. We all know people who limit their contact with their parents because those parents were very controlling.</p>
<p>I appreciate your opinion and for the really controlling parents you may be right.
We are not really controlling parents. Many parents around here probably think we are not nearly controlling enough.
Just because you know where your children are does not make you controlling any more than you insisting that your children call you to let you know they are still breathing and where they may be spending the night. I would even say that parents who have their children call them a lot or the other way around appear to the child to be more controlling than we are.
That is the discussion my wife and I have. She thinks it appears to our child that we are not controlling him at all.
Just last night, I looked to see where my son was at midnight. He was over at a friends house about an hour away. I know that they go there to play video games and stay all night. I knew then that I could lock up and go to bed.
However, we did not want our son to think that we did not care where he was, so I text him and asked him where he was. He told me and said he was staying the night. We said fine and went to bed</p>
<p>i’m not a parent however this is all very crazy to me.</p>
<p>number one, why would you buy a 16 year old a 27k truck? That shows irresponsibility to me on your part. make him earn the money and buy it himself and i bet you he wouldn’t drive it 100 mph. he’d probably be very careful with his purchase. </p>
<p>number two, if my parents ever tried to stalk me like that (advance warning or not) that would be the end of our cordial relationship. if they put a tracker on any of my vehicles (all of which i purchased with my own money, paid for my own gas and my own insurance) that would be the end of me driving. I would rather not drive then be stalked. I’d rather travel by bicycle and have an even greater chance of being in an accident then have a tracker attached to me.</p>
<p>Her son went off to college a few states away and he didn’t even want to come home for spring break.</p>
<p>Once again, I do appreciate your point of view and I am not trying to be argumentative.
However, I am speaking from experience when I say there are several reasons children do not want to come home for spring break. Many of them are innocent and some are probably due to overbearing parents.
But one in particular is drug use. Children using drugs and getting drunk everyday would rather stay away from home and if they do go home, they will want to leave as soon as possible.</p>
<p>We live in an area that has a LOT of officers who give MANY speeding tickets. Odds of getting speeding ticket if you speed in HI are quite high, especially if it happens on a regular basis. I have never felt the need to monitor my kids because I KNOW, first-hand by meeting many of our officers in court that they DO regularly ticket for speeding and many other moving violations, especially young drivers. </p>
<p>I have also never had any need to drug or pregnancy test my kids and would be very sad if I ever felt the need to. They are 21 & 23. I know my S passed the drug test for his employment and believe he may have to submit to random drug checks for his job. My kids have earned our trust and I would be very sad to have any doubt cast over that. H has to submit to random drug tests routinely as a condition of his employment but I know he finds them to be a huge inconvenience and time-waster.</p>
<p>It seems we all raise our kids in different worlds. I personally can’t imagine entrusting child in 9th grade with an expensive truck and expecting him to drive 50 miles each way to school and also have it available whenever he wanted and not expect some very bad choices. My kids were not interested in driving, much less having to drive daily 50 miles/direction–that is a lot to expect on a young person who presumably didn’t have much prior driving experience because they were too young. When kids drive that far each way at such a young age, getting them licensed & getting them a vehicle seems like more of a convenience for the parents than any reasonable benefit for the kid. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s my feeling.</p>
<p>I will say one more thing regarding the attitude of my child.
When we were going through the drug thing, his attitude was horrible and we were constantly battling one another.
Now, our child slaps me on the back and tickles me just messing with me. we have a fantastic relationship.
he is taking his mother out to supper for her birthday tonight because I am sick. I assure you that his attitude toward his mother and me is much better than it otherwise would be.
My son and his mother have been and still are going through the son/mother separation woes.
However, i think in a few years that their relationship will be just fine.</p>
<p>hImom, I do have child that has been drug tested by us on several occasions over the past 2 years, and you can bet I am sad about it. We did it at the recommendation of her therapist as she was constantly lying to us and also stole cash from us twice.</p>
<p>Fortunately we seem to be over the hump with her. I have no doubt drugs would be a larger presence in her life had we not taken these steps. In fact I will tell you that a successful (negative) test builds trust and it’s been almost a year since we have suspected any problems.</p>
<p>This is a hard road for many of us as parents. I also disagree with providing a freshman in high school with such an expensive large vehicle… But these are family decisions and safety seems to have been a factor.</p>
<p>Yes, we have friends whose kids do have drug problems and/or attitude issues and counselors. It is a difficult road for so many of them. It is good that there are tools to help, and therapists/counselors as well.</p>
<p>When our kids were teens, from time to time, the subject of drugs would be raised and our kids would look at us and say, “With all the meds available to us that could give us a “buzz” if we wanted that we refuse to take, why would we spend money to get any “buzz”? That’s specifically why we DON’T like & won’t take meds. We really like being as in control of our bodies as possible.” We have never had cause to doubt our kids, for which we are profoundly grateful. </p>
<p>D admits she prefers “virgin” blended drinks; both will take a rare glass of good wine, and S will sometimes have a bottle of imported beer. We are very blessed. :)</p>
<p>You are just very lucky that your tactics worked - up to now. What if they hadn’t and your son, his passengers or an innocent driver had been hurt or killed while you followed your plan? </p>
<p>A question I have is if by more or less ignoring red flags, and only insisting on temporary consequences, you lost out on your chance ( before he turned 18) to try to get to the bottom of some of this? Especially considering the family history, have you ever considered that he might have benefitted from professional support and counseling? Could he have untreated ADHD (to name just one of the possibilities)? Whatever the reason, in our world there would never have been a truck in the first place and any car of ours we allowed our child to drive would have been history for that child for a very long, long time after the first very serious transgression, let alone a second,a third, or a fourth. </p>
<p>Look, things may have worked out for you, despite it all. It’s possible that your son has matured, or he’s now moved on from a bad group of friends , and meanwhile you never really rocked the relationship much at home. But it was quite risky in more ways than one - and in the end you may have lost out on a valuable and time limited opportunity to deal directly with the root cause of these issues while you were still in a position to influence that. </p>
<p>BTW you have mentioned several times now how safe a choice that truck was for your son. I completely disagree. True, in an over 5000 pound vehicle, he’s most likely going to be better protected in a multi car, or head on crash with a smaller vehicle (at the expense of the likely innocent victims in the smaller vehicle - how awful would that have been?). But with it’s larger tendency for rollover, and with most teenaged fatalities caused by one car accidents or rollovers, this would not be considered a safe choice for a teenaged driver by any car safety expert. And most certainly NOT safe for a ninth grader, or a kid with a propensity to drive high along levees or someone whose idea of fun is to race at speeds exceeding 100 mph. </p>
<p>But, I hope for your sake as well as his that the risks (yours and his) paid off. It’s possible he has learned from his mistakes and turned over a new leaf. If it turns out he really is completely over this phase of his life , you will have come out of it more fortunate than many. I certainly wouldn’t have ever been willing to take that kind of a gamble, though.</p>
<p>A question I have is if by more or less ignoring red flags, and only insisting on temporary consequences, you lost out on your chance ( before he turned 18) to try to get to the bottom of some of this? Especially considering the family history, have you ever considered that he might have benefited from professional support and counseling?</p>
<p>he was tested for ADHD several times by very qualified psychiatrist. All negative. He has benefited from several counselors and child psychologist. He suffers from anxiety, just as his father does, and he is on medication prescribed by a doctor to help with that and it does.
The GPS tracking device is only one of many tools and I assure you that it can be used in a very positive way. I highly recommend it.</p>
<p>BTW you have mentioned several times now how safe a choice that truck was for your son. I completely disagree. True, in an over 5000 pound vehicle, he’s most likely going to be better protected in a multi car, or head on crash with a smaller vehicle (at the expense of the likely innocent victims in the smaller vehicle - how awful would that have been?).</p>
<p>we live in a rural farming community. Half the vehicles on the road are pick up trucks. 75% of his friends have pick up trucks.
As I mentioned, one reason I bought the higher priced (newer model truck) was because of the airbags in the rear passenger seats as well as the front seats. The only other vehicles in my garage are another truck the same size and a suburban which is just as big.
I spent a lot of time making sure my child was a good driver and drives the speed limit.
By having purchased such a nice truck and providing unlimited gasoline, his friends always choose to ride with my son and save their own gas.
Therefore, the way I see it, I have been protecting not only my son but all his friends as well.</p>
<p>I would not let my 9th grader drive other kids around in any vehicle, period. In our state, young drivers are NOT allowed to do so because they lack the judgment and experience to make good and safe decisions, as your monitoring of your S proved. I do not believe drivers that young should have multiple passengers, and many states agree by having restrictions on licenses of young drivers. All the time you spent monitoring your S proved he did NOT follow the speed limit multiple times, including some very high rates of speed.</p>
<p>Many states have rules on this and only allow provisional licenses, especially for very young drivers, like your S was. They limit night time driving as well and also limit the # of people who may ride in the car with the young driver.</p>