<p>Yes, after a child reaches the age of 18 (in some states even lower ages), our options to help treat them are greatly reduced. They cannot receive any treatment except with their expressed written consent, no matter what we as their parents and loved ones want and prefer. It can lead to sad and troubling consequences but it is the way life is. When we defer problems until they are over 18, we have fewer options to help the young people with. This appears to be a point several of us are trying to make, especially when a young person shows some troubling red flags at a young age.</p>
<p>Obviously the psychiatrist or his counselor were not aware of everything you knew via the GPS.</p>
<p>the counselors and psychiatrist were fully aware of the GPS and everything that we knew. What on earth makes it obvious to you that they were not?</p>
<p>When we defer problems until they are over 18,</p>
<p>lol…are you suggesting that we should have let him fall off the cliff so we could take advantage of the many financial options or what ever options you are referring to.
The best way to handle it is nipping it in the bud and educating them about the consequences, warning signs, etc.</p>
<p>smile - you are getting defensive, but you are the one who started this thread</p>
<p>Defensive is not what I am getting. Frustrated is the word.
What I did has worked up to this point.
It is really to late to give me advice about minor children. I have no more children. Advice about 18> is a different matter.
However, to suggest that someone in my situation with a 16 year old son would essentially be better off to let things play out so that they then can take advantage of options, is offering very poor advice (and that is being generous) to parents in similar situations.
A parent should know where their children are and what they are doing.
Do not assume anything.
If a problem arises deal with it immediately.</p>
<p>Actually, a lot of us are suggesting that perhaps more serious interventions should have occurred when the child was under 18. It appears you have a very different relationship with your S than I have with either of my kids. I hope your actions to date were as effective as you think they were/are. I hope your S’s path forward is easier than yours at a similar age.</p>
<p>I would have been extremely concerned about each of the incidents you mentioned, especially at your S’s young age and I would likely have handled it quite differently from the way you did. We are all a sum of our experiences and environments. </p>
<p>With my kids, nothing remotely like the incidents you cite has occurred to date with either of our kids, and at this point, I believe H & I know my kids well enough to believe they are unlikely to occur. For one thing, S would very likely lose the job he has worked hard to get if he decides to do some of the things your S has already done. Our S is very well aware of this and has always been good about keeping such things in mind–the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in this case. :)</p>
<p>My kids & I have worked on our relationships and trust, which has been extremely fruitful for all of us and allows us to sleep well at night. We all live up the our mutual trust and have always gotten along very well because of this mutual trust all our lives. It has helped us pull together through some very stressful and difficult times–we always have had each other to rely upon with unconditional trust, love and acceptance. We get verification from strangers, teachers, landlords, other acquaintances and friends that they are very pleased with the adults our kids are becoming. </p>
<p>Our less techy system works better for us than GPSing our kids. Of course, different strokes for different kids & folks.</p>
<p>I understand that the majority of people never face what I did.
I am glad that you and your family did not have to go through what my parents went through with me.
i do not anticipate having to go through it with my son either because of the extraordinary steps that I took.
A small percentage of families will face what my parents did.
Those families are the ones that I am trying to benefit.
I realize that for the most part i am preaching to the choir on not only this sight but any sight.
However, as I stated earlier on in this thread, if I can help even one family avoid similar circumstances then it was worth my time.
I waited 2 years to discuss this topic with anyone because I did not want my son to find out that I was monitoring him.
We were extremely concerned and visited counselors, psychiatrist and the whole nine yards. All of this happened 2 years ago, not yesterday.
Our son is doing and has been doing well for quite some time now.
I am well aware of the risk going forward.
You are right, the apple does not fall far from the tree.
That is the reason I went the extra step and I believe that someone out there would benefit from the same information.
I will continue to have conversations with my son and do the best I can to guide him in the future.
I am not sure what steps you think you would have taken that we did not.
What do you think you would have done differently?</p>
<p>I guess one of the choices I made early on was to come back to HI to live and raise my family. HI is truly a large town/small town. It is very difficult to do things without EVERYONE knowing and news getting back to the family. This is a good and bad thing, but the child knows that s/he is not anonymous and that everyone knows everyone; there are very few secrets and reputations are slowly earned and stick around for a long time.</p>
<p>As I previously mentioned, I would NOT buy an expensive vehicle for my young child who recently got a license and expect him or her to drive 50 miles each way to & from school. Several of us on this thread have echoed this, but it’s different strokes for different folks. It is an awful lot of temptation and peer pressure for a 16-year-old to have to deal with when a child that young is in charge of such a vehicle and I personally would not want me kids to have to contend with that at age 16. </p>
<p>My kids have also not had much free time nor access to vehicles to go cruising around and amuse themselves, particularly at the tender age of 16–their studies were quite demanding and when they were healthy, they also had a lot of extra-curricular activities. When they were ill, it was all they could do to try to keep up with their studies when they had the stamina to devote to them. They didn’t even have much time or energy for friends. It was a very isolating and painful time for them and our family.</p>
<p>It is really tough to know what I would have done if either of my kids were caught by me speeding, especially going 83+ miles/hour; probably like their friends’ parents, they would have lost all use of any vehicle for months or until their next birthday or similar, for a FIRST offense; a second offense and they would probably lose access to vehicles until they purchased one on their own. (My kids have NEVER received any tickets.) </p>
<p>If either child were caught having consumed drugs, I would have our family undergo family counseling to figure out how we as a family could improve the situation as well as seriously consider a residential program for the child while s/he was still under 18 years of age and could be sent with or without the child’s consent. </p>
<p>I have seen kids and families who have not taken these severe steps and everyone is paying a very high price because of choices made and not made. As I mentioned, once the person is over 18, there are very limited options–residential treatment REQUIRES the full consent of the person, which can be withdrawn when the person feels thwarted or decides s/he has had enough (whether or not the facility &/or parents believe(s) discharge is appropriate). </p>
<p>It is very difficult for everyone in such situations with low levels of trust, and I am sure as you say there is a time and place where GPSing may be appropriate, as well as possible random drug testing. I am glad it was not needed in our extended family or their friends as it would be an entirely different dynamic than I’ve ever experienced and I do not think my kids or their friends would thrive in such a dynamic.</p>
<p>HIMom, what you’ve said makes sense to me. We have made it a policy in our house to not lie to our kids. Perhaps we are stricter than Smile is…we have avoided encouraging certain situations with our kids. I would never give a fast car to a 9th grader. Even starting early, one of our kids was very coordinated but also a bit hyperactive/impulsive. Even though I knew he would be a good tree climber, I was not one of the moms in playgroup lifting him up in the tree (others were). I figured he would be climbing things soon enough. What I am trying to say here is why propell kids into temptation so soon?</p>
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<p>I guess it is just hard to believe that mental health professionals were aware in real time of things like 105 mph, getting high <em>while</em> driving etc. and did not advise you to immediately take driving privileges away long before a fourth or fifth serious offense. I also think most professionals would have advised being forthright about the existence of the GPS and would have recommended using it openly, after a breach of trust or as a condition of driving the truck at that age. But you are right, I don’t know. </p>
<p>You also mentioned that there were many times you never confronted your son because you were afraid he’d catch on, so I wondered if whatever you did report to the doctors was actually everything that you knew at the time. BTW, I had to laugh a little bit at the idea that your son thought you had spies behind every tree and bush on the highway. But in any case, I really am glad he seems to be doing so much better now and that you think he ultimately learned that “crime doesn’t pay.” Maybe he did. I hope so.</p>
<p>I wondered if whatever you did report to the doctors was actually everything that you knew at the time</p>
<p>they knew everything that we knew.
He was clocked over 68 mph 3 times total. the speed was very easy to get under control with the GPS. Knowing where he was would have been much more difficult had he known that we were able to pin point his location.
Therefore, we did not tell him that we had that capability.</p>
<p>smile12157
</p>
<p>Wrong on both fronts.</p>
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<p>The American Medical Association defines it as such. Board certified addiction professionals, who work in the field every day of their lives, also consider it to be a disease. The common sense answer as to whether addiction is a disease is best found in those parts.</p>
<p>I will yield to your opinion and sources.
It really does not matter to me one way or the other if it is called a disease or not. I have argued both sides over the last 20 years.</p>
<p>Regardless of whether someone approves or disapproves of the use of GPS to monitor teenagers, I am glad that we are discussing the topic and hope others may introduce other methods of monitoring their child’s whereabouts</p>
<p>the only monitoring of whereabouts my parents used was “where are you going?” “how long will you be there?” and “when can i expect you home?” if it was further then 30 minutes away then they would add in the statement “call me when you get there.” to this day my mother asks that I call or text her when I get somewhere if I’m driving a few hours each way… and I’ve been driving for 12 years. </p>
<p>if i ever (and I mean ever) got caught speeding at 80 mph in one of my parents vehicles, they never would have let me drive it again, quite literally.</p>
<p>Gee fendergirl, that is about the extent of the monitoring I grew up with. My D will tell me where she’s going while S (at age 23) prefers to keep us guessing (but does confide in D & others). To my knowledge, neither has ever sped in any vehicle. At his age and with his record, we respect his privacy and feel he has earned it. He comes home at reasonable times and works around the house cheerfully while waiting for his job to start.</p>
<p>S has recently passed a stringent in depth security clearance for his job, complete with drug testing, so I believe he has “toed the line” well enough. The only tickets he has ever gotten were parking tickets when he was working on campus and parked where his boss instructed him.</p>
<p>Smile I appreciate that you found something that seems to have worked for you and your son to keep him safe. It is clear from these posts that other parents have other ways. If I had to sum up what I have heard from other parents it is the parent-child relationship or bond.</p>
<p>My high school freshman would not have been driving a truck. Or any other car. You can’t drive till 17 in our state and then there are restrictions on what time of night, etc.</p>
<p>I didn’t grow up with much monitoring, but I guess different kids need different approaches, as we do all really arrive here wired in our own unique ways. The laws are so crazy today, and with social networking, news travels so fast. Traffic cameras, information sharing among law enforcement agencies, etc. - it is so easy today for a kid to damage themselves permanently. I guess we parents need to do what we can for those offspring who need a little more oversight and protection in transitioning to adulthood.</p>
<p>It’s hard for me to read comments from some parents who are sure that the reason things turned out so well for them is because of their superior skills (or worse - this one scares me - I think some of them think it is their superior genes?!). I have met parents of struggling teens who seem overly eager to let people know that their child is adopted, as if that is supposed to mean something!? As if anyone, anywhere, good parent or bad, Brave New World breeding stock or not, could be protected from having a child with a physical or mental health problem! We can do everything right, and still experience serious challenges of one kind or another with our children. When we hear about other parents doing things differently than what might be called for in our own houses, it might be a good idea to consider seriously that their situations might be different than our own (and no fault of theirs). </p>
<p>I think it is also important to remember the reality that some people who struggle on the front end become amazing later on, and I believe Oprah said something along those lines (that she has never met an interesting person who has not really struggled in some way). So really, when we see a parent who might have a challenge on their hands, maybe we should envy them?</p>