<p>So, I just went into D’s and my joint checking account…mind you this is basically her account to be used during the school year. I just deposit money for incidentals (try not to judge here please). Anyway, she is overdrawn for the 2nd time. I have no intentions of bailing her out of this though since she appears to have more than enough time to lurk on facebook all day versus checking her balance once a day, which may take all of 2 seconds. Am I being too harsh? What are some of your suggestions as to how you would handle this? I am really having a hard time with this whole “I’m grown up attitude” when they basically know next to nothing about responsibility. 
</p>
<p>I think all parents reach a point where they have to allow their kids to fail at something important. You don’t say how old your daughter is, but if she is old enough to have a checking account she’s old enough to learn the consequences of not managing her money. </p>
<p>Good for you.</p>
<p>They learn about responsiblity the same way that we learned: By having to be responsible for their actions. </p>
<p>Sounds likeyou’re teaching your D that. Good for you.</p>
<p>Does she have overdraft protection? If so, then she probably has not realized the cost of the approach.</p>
<p>OTOH, if she’s paying bounced check fees, then it is her problem.</p>
<p>Last year, we let our D have a car at school for a period of time. She did not see the sign about street cleaning. The car was towed. She paid. </p>
<p>That’s how kids learn responsibility IMHO (the same way we did, I’m afraid!)</p>
<p>I would deposit less than the normal amount to make up for the amount of money that was overdrwan and any of the bank charges that occred because of the overdraft. This way she will feel the consequence since she will have less money to spend and it directly affects her.</p>
<p>She’s 19 and will be a sophomore in college. I guess one of the issues I have is that we are very close, but lately she is pulling away from me (which is normal and I understand that), but as soon as she needs something she’s right back. I know she is playing me like a fiddle, but it is soooo hard to listen to her talk badly about me behind my back and then be so nice to me when she needs something. I know this is probably typical of the age . I don’t want to be mean and I want her to know that I am always there for her, but this age is just much tougher than I ever thought it would be.</p>
<p>grantedin: I did that. At first, when she came home I asked her to get a job to pay for things like her hair cuts, any brand name stuff she might want (like make-up, bathing suits, etc) that I feel she should be paying for at this age. I will always buy her what she needs, but I think it’s time she pays for the extras. She didn’t think that was fair because she was taking 2 classes over the summer at State. Anyway, I deposited $100 into her account for food, coffee, gas money, etc…right when she came home. A little less than a month later I deposited another $100, then in even less time than that (maybe 18 days) I deposited another $100. I realized she was using it up too quickly and now it has only been 15 days since the last deposit, so I’m thinking I shouldn’t deposit any more for the time being. She will be earning money once she gets back up to school and she can use that for her discretionary spending. ???</p>
<p>Why do you have a joint account? If it’s her account, and her money, she’ll figure out pretty quickly that those overdraft fees hurt! Really, it’s OK for kids to learn stuff the “hard way.” (Not that having to pay an overdraft fee is hard by any stretch of the imagination…) Do her a favor - let her grow up. Good luck.</p>
<p>How do you figure out what to deposit? If you’re not doing this already, my suggestion is to deposit a certain amount each semester to cover her expenses, and let her deal with the consequences if she’s overdrawn or runs out of money.</p>
<p>Do you have a joint account with her? She’s old enough to have her own individual account. You can still deposit $ to it or give her a check each semester.</p>
<p>I am having an interesting time watching S, 19, figure out his budget for the school year. Because S had major senioritis that almost caused him – a very bright guy – to not graduate from high school, H and I told him that before we’d help pay for his college, he’d have to prove himself to us by getting at least a 3.0 average for his first year of college. </p>
<p>S saved most of his money from his gap year with Americorps (He lived at home, and paid rent to us, and paid for gas for using my car), and will be going to the college of his choice by taking out a very large loan, getting merit aid, and using his savings. </p>
<p>It is very interesting for me to watch S figure out his budget. He’s figuring $25 a week for incidentals and entertainment. About $800 a year for books (He got this figure from his college). He’ll also have to pay some transportation fees depending on how often he wants to come home.</p>
<p>Although S did some minor griping about his tough financial situation, and he also dropped some hints in hopes that we’d change our minds about not helping with his education this year, I have refrained from getting into debates with him about his situation and how he put himsefl into it.</p>
<p>I notice that he seems to be taking a lot of pride in tracking down loans, figuring out his budget, etc. He also has spontaneously said that he should have started tracking down loans in the spring, when he made up his mind about what college he’d be attending.</p>
<p>Anyway, I think it’s important to let our students’ handle the consequences of their finances. That’s how we let them grow up.</p>
<ul>
<li>Im not judging you- but this is what we did and you might want to try.
we didn’t give money for incidentals-
workstudy job covered her personal expenses and books
( I assumed this was a college student- if it is a high school student- this is what I do with my 17 year old- she has a debit card on a checking account- that I give to her when she is going on a shopping expedition- other than that- I have it)</li>
</ul>
<p>I think that it is worth considering ( after talking it over with your husband)
to sit down with your D and say to her that you are concerned about her once she gets out of college and is trying to cover her expenses without having the experience of being on top of them.</p>
<p>I would tell her that you will pay for books/medical expenses ( or whatever you and your H decide) but that you will set up an account at the bookstore to do so & the bill will come to you. Also that she will now need to meet her own personal expenses .</p>
<p>( D had a checking account- that I had the number to-but no access-I don’t think a joint account is needed, because there is too big a temptation to be overseeing what the money is spent on- if you have the account number- you can always deposit money into it when needed, but let them have responsibility for their own account.)</p>
<p>“At first, when she came home I asked her to get a job to pay for things like her hair cuts, any brand name stuff she might want (like make-up, bathing suits, etc) that I feel she should be paying for at this age. I will always buy her what she needs, but I think it’s time she pays for the extras. She didn’t think that was fair because she was taking 2 classes over the summer at State.”</p>
<p>To me, your request seemed very fair, and I think you made a mistake by backing off.</p>
<p>It’s not unreasonable at all to expect a student to at least work parttime during the summer even if she’s taking 2 courses.</p>
<p>Does she work during the school year? Lots of students work at least 10 hours a week during the school year, and use that and their summer earnings to pay for their books, entertainment and incidentals including clothing. </p>
<p>It’s unrealistic to expect students to react with delight when one gives them such responsibilities, but one shouldn’t back off because that’s how we can teach them to be responsible adults. It’s also good for them to get work experience. Even typical summer jobs at malls, fast food, etc. give students the kind of work experience that will help them get better jobs when they graduate.</p>
<p>I wish I had opened a joint checking account with my daughter, who goes off to college in a little more than a week.</p>
<p>Instead, we waited for her to turn 18 (which happened Saturday), and she opened her own account today. But the account is going to be basically useless for buying books when she gets on campus, because it takes 10 business days to get the debit card that goes with the account! That’s too late. She will be gone, and it will arrive at our house – so it will even take a couple of days longer for me to mail it to her. I doubt the college bookstore will be willing to accept her unlabeled starter checks, so unless the debit card arrives earlier than expected, she’s going to have to cash a huge check before she leaves so that she can pay cash for her books. And she will certainly be nervous about carrying around that large wad of cash on campus.</p>
<p>Going to another bank (I know two that give out the debit cards on the spot) is not a realistic option, because the bank we chose has branches both in our hometown and in her college’s student union. There is no other bank anywhere near so conveniently located for both of us. It’s really the only game in town.</p>
<p>If we had opened a joint checking account earlier in the summer when she was still 17, we would not have had this problem.</p>
<p>Marian,
Your D still didn’t need a joint checking account nor does she need one now.
She can go to college with travelers’s checks and/or a credit card.
I think there’s also a very good chance that the college bookstore will take her starters’ checks , using her campus ID. and perhaps drivers license for her identification. Her situation will be very typical of most college students, and the bookstore probably will be well prepared to respond to it.</p>
<p>The bookstore at Ds college- allowed us to set up an account that she could charge on- we could either prepay or what we did was they just sent us a bill every month
Since the bookstores often also sell snacks and toiletries it is a good resource to have that backup</p>
<p>We have access to D’s account. We do not deposit into it, although we do withdraw from it for things like overages on text messages or minutes on cellular family plan. </p>
<p>We pay tuition in conjunction with merit aid she earned. We also pay rent. She covers everything else including food, utilities, books and spending money. She pays her portion of car insurance, renter’s insurance, gasoline and repairs. In exchange, she will graduate with no student loan debt. D worked all summer and works 20 hours a week while at school.</p>
<p>My sons have had their own checking accounts since they started working (16 years old). I don’t think you have to be 18 to have an account. By the way, be careful with “overdraft protection” on kids’ accounts, because sometimes they set it up to come out of the parents’ account. Ah, I don’t think so!</p>
<p>Son #1 is my “always broke” child. Too bad. We pay his tuition, room, board and books, so he isn’t exactly homeless. He supposedly saves his summer earnings for incidentals/clothes etc. during the school year, and when he runs out of money he works. (There’s a good idea!) I don’t even know (nor do I want to) how much/little money he has.</p>
<p>(m&sdad - I like your system! Access to take money out. 
)</p>
<p>Momoney,</p>
<p>I love the suggestion made above about depositing a set amount in your daughter’s account at the beginning of each semester, and letting her deal with the consequences of overspending. Of course, you have to tell her what you are going to do – and don’t give in when she makes a mistake.</p>
<p>If you have a joint account, chances are that both the overdraft fees and the money to make good on the overdraft came from your main account, and so she doesn’t care. And if you keep putting money in as she needs it, she isn’t paying any of the consequences. I suggest that you tell her that you are no longer going to pay her overdraft fees and that any bounced checks will have financial repercussions on both ends (paying the home bank fees and the bounced check fees). For that reason, you are taking her to the bank to set up her own account. Some banks have student checking accounts that allow a one-time overdraft amnesty, but no more.</p>
<p>I learned I had to balance my checkbook when my bank “misplaced” a deposit of $100. By the time I realized this had happened, it was too late. Your daughter will learn how to care for her account for other reasons. It’s part of growing up.</p>
<p>This summer, I had to tell my daughter (who is responsible with money but not always with her chores), “If you want to act like a child, then I will treat you like a child.” I guess she preferred to be treated like an adult since I haven’t had a problem with her since. 
You’re welcome to try the same line.</p>
<p>Most college have specialty cards that you can load with funds that can be used for on-campus dining, books, and limited off-campus expenses. Smith calls it the One Card; other schools have the same thing, only with a different name. It’s great because the use of it is limited, so you aren’t going to get a new wardrobe taken out of it, but you will be able to pay for books right away.</p>
<p>A LOT of really good suggestions here so THANK-YOU! She doesn’t have over-draft protection and the only reason I was on the account was because I wanted to have on-line access to what she was spending her money on. You know, those tattoos, etc…Any way, she earns her own money during the school year so I have never had to give her any extra and she only over-drew her account once by mistake. I went over balancing her check book thoroughly when this occurred and made her find the mistake. Like one of the other posters, this took enough time that I really didn’t think it would happen again. The only reason I deposited money into her account this summer was because she wasn’t earning any any longer and did not have a job. Having to take 2 summer courses, I wanted her to have access to emergency funds (like gas, coffee (hehe!), etc…) I think I am just going to wait and see if she says anything and let her handle it. She hasn’t told me about it yet and the only reason I know of it is because I check the activity in the account every couple of days. I’m sure she will come to me and tell me what happened because she needs a way to get out of this. At that point I will lay down the rules (and of course, stick to them)! Thanks again everyone!</p>
<p>RE: paying for the extras…I think this is a great way to begin to understand the cost of things & it’s never too early to start with kids! My D is only 14 but wants to buy certain brands…if it is alot more than the cost of what I would be willing to spend on the item, she needs to pony up the extra!<br>
Just the other day, we needed shampoo, she wanted John Frieda. I know I can by VO5 for $.99, if she wants the John Frieda @ $5.00/bottle she can pay for it herself.
It may seem silly but I hope it’s making clear the idea of Needs VS. Wants!</p>