Turkey Drop - Furious at DS

Parent Cafe
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<p>I’m so furious at my son I don’t know what to do.</p>

<p>He’s been dating a girl for 6 months. Lovely girl, the only issue was that she is now a HS Jr and DS is a College Freshman 2 hours away.</p>

<p>They decided to keep seeing each other exclusively when he left for school (against my advice). Son said he loved her and he really seemed to be making an effort - coming back to see her for Homecoming, etc.</p>

<p>I noticed some changes in his attitude in late Oct, but did not say anything. This week it was really apparent. I asked him about it and he refused to talk about it (he’s pretty private about relationships). The GF has had some issues over the past few weeks with a parent getting a life threatening illness. I asked DS if he was trapped and could not break up with GF due to the illness, her birthday a few weeks, and a social commitment they had scheduled. He said yes.</p>

<p>So I was expecting a breakup. My advice to him was not to let it sit if that is how he felt as it was not fair to the young lady. This was a couple days ago and I dropped it. I should add that he spent time with her yesterday and took her too dinner too.</p>

<p>Unfortunately we became very close to this girl over the summer as she was at our house often. We got to know her parents well. She friended me on Facebook at her request and I accepted. Big mistake, but that is just how she is.</p>

<p>DS drove back to school this afternoon and said he was stopping at her house on the way to say goodbye. I did not say a word about it.</p>

<p>About an hour after he left I checked my Facebook and sure enough the GF’s status had changed to single and she had posted a note about how she was not going to stand in his way if he wanted to leave. We were quite sad for them, but relieved there was some closure. It was inevitable that the relationship would come to an end.</p>

<p>Well, the closure was not what I expected. Got a message from the GF asking if we knew DS was going to breakup with her tonight. <em>$#%</em>&$% I told her no (which was the truth) but told her that I suspected something was wrong. She then told me that she was planing on breaking up with him tonight because she found out he had been cheating on her multiple times. She confronted him about it and he admitted it. I was able to confirm this, but won’t say how.</p>

<p>We did not raise our son like this. I suspect this had been an issue in past relationships of his. I am so disappointed with my son I cannot even begin to express how much. We had a discussion about sex a month or so ago and he reiterated that he loved her and that they were serious. I told him that he had to be monagamous both physically and emotionally and he said of course.</p>

<p>So not only did he lie to her he lied to my face. He was raised to respect women. As a father I am sick that he would act like this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a realist. I can see “making a mistake”. But having this go on for months is inexcusable.</p>

<p>I need to confront him about his behavior but I’m not sure how to at this point. I can’t let this sit until Christmas break as it will ruin the holidays.</p>

<p>Thanks for letting me vent.</p>

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<p>I’m really sorry, Iconsult. I have a son (senior in college) who has disappointed me from time to time in ethical areas, too, so I feel your pain. I don’t know how far away your S is from you, but if it’s practical, you could schedule a day when you travel to him to go to lunch and talk things out.</p>

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<p>all I can say is, ouch. I pray I’m never forced to deal with this kind of disappointment in my kids, and I wish you strength and courage to deal with it in whatever way is appropriate for you and your son.</p>

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<p>Iconsult- as repugnant as this behavior seems to us, it seems to be an unfortunate part of the sexual/romantic behavior of many boys in this age group. I have observed many girls putting up with it, too.</p>

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<p>momof2 is so right. I feel the same way. I’ve gone through this with my one brother who taught me not to get attached to girlfriends, and not to say nasty things about girlfriends who just might become a wife. </p>

<p>I do not get involved in Ss’ relationships. With 2 brothers and 5 sons, it would make me crazy. I tell them how I feel, I warn them about emotional fires, but what can one do? You don’t know so much about what is going on with them socially. </p>

<p>I wasn’t happy with S’s casual references to how he was staying with his GF. Told him so. </p>

<p>Can’t govern their lives once they are grown.</p>

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<p>And I’ve observed that some young women do the same thing, so it’s not just a generalization about young men.</p>

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<p>I am sorry that you have to go through this. Normally I would advise you not to get involved in your son’s relationships, but if you have reason to believe that cheating is a pattern with him I do think you should address it. I hope that he was using protection in his relationship and in his flings. A lot of young couples choose not to use condoms if the girl is on birth control and they trust each other to remain faithful, but in this case he could be spreading STDs around. I think you should make sure he gets tested and have another safe sex discussion, in addition to whatever else you choose to address.</p>

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<p>I didn’t read all the details, but my advice to mom would be “Stay out of it!”</p>

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<p>“I was able to confirm this, but won’t say how.” Well, that doesn’t sound too good to me. My advice is to back out of your sons’ relationships. (Friending his GF??!) He wasn’t engaged to her, right? I just don’t think he did anything too horribly wrong.</p>

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<p>corranged: I know he was practicing safe sex with the GF, that is what initiated our talk a few weeks ago. I found the condoms. Not sure what was going on with the fling.</p>

<p>Never in a million years would I think he would have sex without a condom. But I thought I knew him. I’ll bring this up too.</p>

<p>My wife and I are trying to figure out if we should contact him tonight and if so what to say.</p>

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<p>Drama Queen.</p>

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<p>I suggest that you not get involved, and yes, as you’ve learned, it’s a mistake to FB friend one’s kids’ romantic partners. I also think it was a mistake to talk with the girlfriend about your S’s behavior. That’s between the two of them. </p>

<p>I’ve seen lots of males and females cheat on each other particularly when they are young and are learning how to handle relationships, which is why condoms typically are important for young couples to use even if they also are using a more reliable birth control method. I think it’s a mistake for parents to get involved. For many young people, cheating is just a phase as they learn about relationships, and they grow out of that after personally experiencing the consequences, including feeling guilty and ashamed.</p>

<p>You’ve done your part by exposing him to your own values and behavior when he was growing up. Now it’s time for him to figure things out for himself.</p>

<p>Remember, too, you’ve only heard one side of the story.</p>

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<p>woody, you don’t know what you are talking about. You must be a kid. The GF friended me with my son’s permission. It was to exchange pictures. He knew all about it.</p>

<p>You don’t think he did anything wrong? I pity anyone in a relationship with you then.</p>

<p>I am not “in” their relationship. Like I told him it was totally up to him if they broke up. My issue is with his behavior, not the breakup or the relationship.</p>

<p>If I see my DS acting badly I’m going to say something and try to correct it. Its called being a parent.</p>

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<p>interesteddad, why comment when you have not read the thread?</p>

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<p>Northstarmom, I appreciate what you are saying and you are correct. The FB was a mistake but it was not initiated by me. I initially said “no” but GF was hurt and DS OK’d it.</p>

<p>I am afraid of a pattern, which is why I want to address this. It is ultimately up to him.</p>

<p>I have both sides of the story, believe me.</p>

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<p>“She confronted him about it and he admitted it. I was able to confirm this, but won’t say how.”</p>

<p>I think you are too intrusive into your S’s business.
Certainly, I agree that cheating is wrong, but I don’t think that it’s right to pry into one’s adult offspring’s romantic behavior. I also don’t think that your talking with your S about his behavior is going to result in anything except his feeling betrayed by you.</p>

<p>I also would bet money – big money – that there’s far more to the story than what the girlfriend told you.</p>

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<p>This young man was away at college. There isn’t much chance that he WOULDN’T cheat, based on what I have learned through my own intrusiveness and facebook-stalking! As was pointed out above, the girls do the same thing. That said, being concerned about how your child treats others is natural and appropriate- especially when you have gotten to know and like the girl/boyfriend.</p>

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<p>Well, I read the thread and didn’t comment. Now I see all the other comments and I guess I will chime in.
I can understand the OP wanting to discuss the pattern with DS and the issues of safe sex, etc. I can’t say how I would react in this situation. I will say that if possible, I would try to take the furious part out of the equation. The issues between the son and the GF are their issues. She may be furious and she may have a right to be.
As a parent, I would try to remain less emotionally involved and discuss both the health and ethical issues without the anger. (Definitely much easier said than done).</p>

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<p>Northstarmom: I don’t think it is too intrusive when he lies to my face. As a parent when your child shows total disregard for your values you are not supposed to say something? Sorry, that is what is wrong with this country today - parents letting children run wild. If confronting your child about their behavior is “betrayal” then we have very different ideas about how to raise children. And 18 is not an adult. Obviously.</p>

<p>If the girl was not in HS I would not be involved. I had to vouch for his behavior to her parents and he knew that.</p>

<p>I’m sorry I brought this thread up.</p>

<p>You would lose the big money bet BTW.</p>

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<p>Cross posted with MOWC. I will also add that I do not have a facebook account and do not want one. One day I was concerned about one of my children, I asked the other one to check their FB and tell me if they thought something was wrong. They checked and told me they thought all was ok.<br>
I was not even in the same room. There is too much on FB that is for college age kids, not for their parents IMHO.
If I want to see pictures, I have one of the kids show them to me in isolated incidents.</p>