<p>Thank you ebeeeee and MomofWildChild. We have decided to let this sit for the time being to let everyone get over their anger so that we can have a constructive conversation about how people should be treated with respect.</p>
<p>I absolutely realize that cheating by one of them was almost inevitable at their age given their situation. My issue is that this went on for months before he dealt with it. So we have a betrayal of trust over a long period of time, a pattern, and the potential health issue. That will be the discussion.</p>
<p>" We had a discussion about sex a month or so ago and he reiterated that he loved her and that they were serious. I told him that he had to be monagamous both physically and emotionally and he said of course."</p>
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<li><p>I would not be pleased if my kid were having sex with a high school student no matter how much they said they were in love.</p></li>
<li><p>Given what I know about teen hormones, and about teens having little idea of how to deal with their sex drive, having little knowledge of what “being in love” really means, and have little knowledge about what it means to go away to college, I would not be telling my kid what to do in terms of monogamy nor would I be expecting that my offspring would be 100% guaranteed to keep a promise of monogamy. Great if they could, but many young people have good intentions, but don’t follow through.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Certainly I would hope that if my offspring were sexually active, they’d be monogamous, and I’d express to them my wish, but I wouldn’t see such a personal situation as something that I could set rules about, nor would I want my offspring’s partner to tell me about relationship problems like infidelity.</p>
<p>Saw pictures of ME in a swimsuit on son’s Facebook, along with the rest of the family. Son was too lazy to pick out his own pictures from a family vacation cd and dumped them all on his site. You had better believe I jumped on him about that and a number of other things on Facebook. There are worse things that can happen to a kid than a mother seeing his Facebook account. Maybe a good lesson on who else may happen to see it. It is not a diary.</p>
<p>I don’t think cheating is inevitable and I would be really upset if my son were in that situation. I, too, have taken the time and trouble to go over situations like that. However, I would not, could not guarantee my kids’ behaviors on anything. One of the humbling lessons I’ve learned as a parent. You just don’t know what they do when they are away from you. I would let son know that you are disappointed in him when things have cooled down. I would not make it a prolonged discussion or an argument. We had a situation this summer where one of our boys was completely and totally inappropriate. I let it go, until I cooled off, and then let him know. I told him I did not want him home for Thanksgiving or Christmas if this was the sort of behavior he was going to show while in my backyard, or while at my home. I did get an apology and an assurance that he would behave. And he did. Had I said anything this summer, there would have been a fight and some ultimatums made. Instead I waited until he was in a good mood, and things could be viewed in perspective. </p>
<p>It does hurt when your kids do not go by the morals you have tried so hard to instill in them. You hope that they get back on that path even though they wander off of it when they first leave home. Most do, I think. My oldest seems to finally be settling down.</p>
<p>Don’t be sorry you brought up the subject. This is something many of us will be experiencing or have experienced. It is not one of the happy moments of raising our kids. You learn from the experience as well. THis may not be the last girlfriend, and you will learn not to vouch for your son when it comes to things like relationships. You’ll also learn not to get too personally involved with girlfriends and their parents. It can put you in a compromising situation, and yeah, it all ends up none of your business and out of your control.</p>
<p>Iconsult: I admire you for taking a stance on your child’s cheating and attempting to right it. I am glad that you, his dad take it upon yourself to be engaged in a no doubt difficult conversation.</p>
<p>I think it is one thing to want to use situations as a teachable moment and another to be angry at your son at what is typical behavior in his situation. You had even advised him when he left for college about maintaining the relationship long distance as you knew, as an adult, that it would be difficult to do in his situation. In fact, turkey drops are common. But he naturally did not listen and figured he’d keep it going and he liked the girl a real lot and likely could not imagine he’d feel differently once IN college. And he wasn’t with her in person that much to even be able to break up with her when he came to that conclusion. Further, he sounds like he was trying to be sensitive to her own situation with a family member getting a life threatening illness and the fact that the two of them had some plans coming up. But he did decide to make the break while home for Thanksgiving. We all know that when kids get to college, they make new friends and are in new social settings and it is hard to maintain the relationship with someone back in high school (my own D went off to college and made a decision to not keep the HS relationship going even though she was in a good one because she had the foresight to know that she wanted a chance to enjoy college and so she made this clear when she left for college…BF still had senior year to do in HS and my D graduated after junior year and left for college early…but most kids do not have the maturity to foresee this and discover this once away in college…thus the prevalance of turkey drops). So, your son’s situation is pretty typical. He got to college, fell into a new social scene and didn’t want to break up with GF back home over the phone and waited until he was sure and back home again and did so in person. Yes, it wasn’t the nice or ethical thing to do to drag her along while he knew he had moved on both figuratively and literally with new college relationships. So, he hurt her. I don’t see why you are angry with him, however. I think you are too heavily involved. I would use it as an opportunity to just have a talk and ask him how he feels as you heard they broke up and you understand why they broke up but that it is better to break up with someone before moving onto others and in the future, he should think about the hurt that causes. I do understand why he waited until Thanksgiving though given that they were apart; what was going on in her life at the time, and that he likely wasn’t even sure himself. But once he did realize it, he broke up with her. Yes, he should have done so before being intimate with anyone else. That is something to point out but not in anger. Use it to help him with relationship issues in the future…to learn from this experience. </p>
<p>If you really want to get into good values…you may have discouraged him from being sexual with his GF when she was just in tenth grade (when they dated last year). </p>
<p>So, I don’t understand being furious and being so heavily involved in his relationships. Since your son did talk to you about this over the weekend, you could follow up and discuss what happened and how he might handle things differently in the future, but not in an angry way but in a caring way. I also think that if you approach your son from an stance of being furious with him, he will share much less with you in the future about his relationships. You said he was private about them already. If you get too involved, he’ll be even more private, I can assure you.</p>
<p>Iconsult, I can sympathize with your disappointment with your son. If I were you, I’d send the GF a note telling her that you are sorry your son treated her this way, and that you didn’t raise him to be like that. Wish her all the best for her future. Then don’t have any more contact with her unless SHE initiates it, and even then, try to keep your distance.</p>
<p>You could also wait a few days until you calm down, then email your son and tell him the same thing. You did not raise him to lie to someone he supposedly cares about, and you are disappointed in his behavior. Then drop it.</p>
<p>For future reference, as much as we parents become fond of our kids bf/gf’s, we do have to make an effort to keep our distance. There will most likely be multiple breakups before the kids get married. I have made the mistake of becoming close friends with one of D’s bf’s parents, and I will not do it again. It was unbelievably awkward when they broke up. Likewise, I missed the BF! But these are our KIDS’ relationships, not ours, and it’s important to remember that at all times. Be friendLY, but not friends, is my motto for my kids’ romantic relationships.</p>
<p>You sound like a very caring dad. But I concur with those that have said you are too involved. </p>
<p>I think as a parent you hope to set your kids straight when they are younger, but at some point, however painful (and I really can appreciate its painful and hard to do!), you have to leave them be and let them deal with their own lives and the actions they take. This just seems way over the boundaries to be involved in this kind of drama with your college age child. </p>
<p>Are you really going to be saying anything beyond what son already knows? Do you REALLY think your commentary at this point is going to change anything?</p>
<p>soozievt: great post. We were too close but it was something that just happened and will not happen again for many reasons. It was a unique situation for reasons I won’t go in to.</p>
<p>The intimacy happened late this summer. We talked about it and I let him know I did not approve but decided to move on and discuss being safe and other subjects. The horse was out of the barn. </p>
<p>We did have a short conversation tonight. We used it as a teaching moment. Our anger was well under control. He admitted that he made a mistake and did not make excuses so it is a good start. We ended by telling him we loved him and he said he loved us too.</p>
<p>While I’m not so sure this is the case with the OP, I do know that I’ve had to fight the urge myself to be overly judgmental with my kids when they’ve done something I don’t think is ethical. When I search deep enough, I find that I’m usually judgmental because I take it personally that my kids’ behaviors might reflect poorly upon me - that somehow if I’d raised them differently, been more assertive in teaching compassion and instilling respect for others, that the event might not have happened. Once I realize that their behavior, once they hit a certain age, is not reflective of me, then it helps me to understand the problem as their situation with consequences for themselves, not me. I think once we ask ourselves what is the true motivation behind wanting to change someone’s behavior, much can be revealed about our own insecurities. And sometimes it takes several days removed from the event to get past the hurt and anger to get at what we feel down deep. So time is on your side as you reflect on this ‘turkey drop’ and the consequences awaiting your son, not you.</p>
<p>At some point in a child’s life a parent must allow him to grow up and accept responsibility for his own life. I think an 18 year old who is off to college should be allowed some privacy in his personal life. It sounds like you have discussed the basics with him and raised him to understand your moral point of view. It would be appropriate to raise the issue of respect, and cheating would fit into this discussion. However, I think you need to be careful to leave the particulars of his situation out of the discussion. The nitty gritty of his relationship with his girlfriend is not your business.</p>
<p>I agree with kelsmom that the nitty gritty of their relationship is not your business unless your son came to you to get advice and then you could have offered your perspective. But otherwise, this is part of his growing up and learning about relationships. He saw with his own eyes and heart that he hurt this girl and hopefully learned from the experience. It is part of his life and he’ll have to deal with it. Of course if he wishes to discuss it, you could give your thoughts. But I would not bring it up and get angry at him because you heard from the GF or on facebook that son cheated on her. That is too involved. If your son had come to you and said, I don’t know what to do as I want to break up with HS GF but the timing for her is bad but I have moved on at school…then you could offer your perspective. But to get involved to this degree when he didn’t come to you or to be angry at choices he made in relationships, just seems too much. </p>
<p>Teri…really good post you wrote. That may very well be the issue at hand…a parent feeling that the child’s behavior reflects badly on him. And of course the GF also contacted this father and that put him in an awkward position as he supports his son but could not stand by the behavior when the GF mentioned the cheating. But it seems to me that the parent was too involved and the kids had to work this out between themselves.</p>
<p>cptofthehouse…that’s the thing…NSM brought it up and so did I. If the OP is worried about values and cheating (which is understandable)…I don’t get why the parent condoned a boy over 18 having sex with a girl who was in tenth grade when it started and is in eleventh now and so she likely is 16 and he likely is 18. I’m not saying he could stop their behavior but on the one hand, it sounds like he was condoning having sex with the sophomore in HS (who is now a junior) but only that cheating on her was bad.</p>
<p>I disagree with everyone that says the father should stay out of it. It is our job to teach our kids how to be a good friend, good citizen, and most importantly, how to be a good mate. My older daughter entered into a relationship where she was not too sure about her feelings for the boy at first, and the boy felt very strongly about her. She was wondering if it was fair for her to continue to see him (leading him on) when she was so uncertain. My husband and I told her that’s what dating is all about, a time to find out more about the other person. But we told her that she must treat him with dignity, it meant to be honest with him of her feelings (even if it may meant losing him), and she must end one relationship before she moved on to next. </p>
<p>As parents, we do not need to know every aspect of their personal life. But I would be upset to know my kids have intentionally inflicted pain on someone else. I tell my daughters that when they cheat or betray their mates they also lose a bit of themselves. Of course, I tell my daughters to find out any potential boyfriends’ previous breakups because if they cheat once they will always cheat again.</p>
<p>Wait a minute there. If a minor teenage relationship turns into a sexually active one, but then one partner ages up into the category of legal offense, I can’t see that as having the same horrible power imbalance as some l8 year old coming home and finding a brand new minor girl to commence an active sexual relationship. I realize that’s an emotional evaluation, not a legal one. </p>
<p>Back to the OP: Even if you’ve raised him with great values, there are times when he can only incorporate them into his own being by testing your lessons. It sounds as though he now feels that he made a mistake towards the girl’s feelings and has learned from that experience. He might have noticed his own feelings of guilt; she might have written to him to lambast him; the high school crowd might begin sending him messages that he was lousy to her. All these would have been other ways for him to learn the same consequences. As it played out here, he heard early on from you that you disapprove of one aspect of how he handled the later months of the relationship. So be it. </p>
<p>You did your job (teaching) and he did his (testing). You might have overreached by being the one to evaluate for him the results of his testing. Oh well. That’s what happened, and because you have a relationship with your son, you are forgiving of each other. That’s great.</p>
<p>It’s good that he has you to hold in his mind as a model and spokesperson for ethical behavior regarding monogomy. My instinct is that he won’t continue cheating as his pattern, after this episode in which the consequences hit him square in the face. I’m glad you posted the follow-up.</p>