Turkey Drop - Furious at DS

Parent Cafe
41

<p>Iconsult, lots of sympathy for you here.</p>

<p>In other cultures, parents have much more influence on their kids lives and relationships than they typically do here. In some cases, they arrange meetings for a potential spouse. There are more strings between parents and their adult children and that can help to avoid errors. One can learn from mistakes but I think that it’s more efficient to learn from the mistakes of others.</p>

<p>US culture is into early independence and experimentation. There are benefits and consequences. Sometimes the consequences are harsh.</p>

<p>The health problems out there are incredibly scary and I’ve looked at some scary research studies on college students recently. It sounds like you are aware of the issues out there.</p>

<p>I stay with my son overnight twice a week on-campus and have a pretty good view to what goes on there. Probably stuff that parents shouldn’t see if they want to sleep well at night.</p>

<p>I commend you for your concern.</p>

42

<p>My son took a sophomore to the prom as a senior which concerned us greatly. We stressed the responsibility and the legal implications of going out with someone of that age when he was three years older. THe reason we even permitted the date was because her cousin is S’s good friend. But I still felt uncomfortable and felt that it was asking for trouble. I would not have given the girl’s parents any guarantees; in fact, I shared concerns and together made sure that they were in “public” all evening. She did not accompany him to the all night get together at a friend’s house afterwards. She was strictly a prom date. I’ve seen a few bad situations this way. When it comes to teen hormones, you really cannot trust anyone. You hope and give some rope, but you know the realities.</p>

43

<p>paying3tuitions,
I agree it is not the same as a college kid coming home and starting to date a high school girl. Their relationship started in HS. What I was saying and I think NSM was too, was that if the dad was concerned about teaching values (and I think he truly is), it seemed a little odd that the only upset is about cheating on the girl when it seems on the other hand that when son dated her in senior year of HS and she was in tenth (or now as a college freshman and she is in 11th), that he was OK with his son having sex with a girl that young. Of course, I’m not saying a parent can control this or give permission or have rules about it or anything of that sort. I’m just talking about his discussions with his son which are now focused on cheating, but I’m wondering what the convo was about having sex with a girl that young, considering these are obvious topics they discuss. It came across that that was OK, but only the cheating wasn’t.</p>

<p>By the way, I’m not putting his son or the girl down for having sex at that age. I’m simply curious about the outrage on the one hand about cheating but not about the young age of the girl having sex. I’m not saying that is outrageous but it didin’t seem consistent.</p>

44

<p>Perhaps you missed post #32.</p>

45

<p>Let me reiterate. The intimacy happened this summer, long after they got serious and before DS started college. The relationship started when they were both in HS. </p>

<p>I did not approve at all and told him so. We had a very frank and open discussion about birth control and the emotional impact of their mutual decision. I could not undo what had happened but tried to counsel and let him know how I felt. He actually thanked me for the conversation. </p>

<p>Even though she is a Jr she is 17 and he is 18. There is no legal issue in our state as she was past the age of consent.</p>

46

<p>BCEagle, I did miss that line in post #32, sorry. Again, I’m not saying it was bad that they had sex or that a parent could do a thing about it. Believe me, I’m not passing judgement on that and one of my own D’s had sex in HS. It was her decision and we discussed it and my thoughts on it and also about birth control which we had her get at the doctor’s. I just had not caught on in this case why there was anger over the cheating but not the sex but I’m not saying there should be anger over the sex at all. I frankly think there should not be anger over either. If the son will discuss it, these are teachable moments. The kids have to make their own decisions and live with the consequences. If they are old enough to have sexual relationships, they are old enough to deal with the consequences of when you hurt a partner and cheat on them. I’m sure the son got a sense of things over this latest relationship.</p>

47

<p>I don’t think some people ever get old enough to deal with consequences of their actions despite being plenty old enough to have sexual relationships. A lot of problems in this world because of that. </p>

<p>I don’t know how I would handle a situation of one mine in a sexual relationship while still in high school. It leads into questions of involvement that I do not want as a parent, since I feel very strongly that getting into such a relationship means not needing parents involvement in it. Yet most high schoolers do as they may not be responsible enough to get the protection they need or need adult help to get it (females), and finding appropriate settings for the activity. I just had to lay down ground rules again for one of my sons regarding sleeping arrangements for him and his college girlfriend. I know some moms who decided to allow same room arrangements several partners ago and now feel like this is beyond what they want. With younger kids in the house, and older grandmoms frequently here and my own comfort level, I don’t want to deal with that situation.</p>

48

<p>Iconsult, I think you handled it well. While there is no need to get overly involved, I believe there is a need to let your barely-adult child know what the expectations are in your family. </p>

<p>In my own family, my husband and his brothers care a great deal what their parents think. They have parted ways on matters from religion to politics but on the basic ethical questions, I very much see their parents influence and I am grateful for it.</p>

49

<p>Wow–this is not the thread that I thought it would be by the title. I figured that S dropped the turkey and ruined T-day dinner.</p>

50

<p>^^^LOL!! Now, THAT would be something to get furious about! :D</p>

51

<p>As long as the pies survived, I would not be too upset.</p>

52

<p>I can understand your being upset with your son’s actions , but ultimately it is his issue to deal with. Though we don’t raise our kids to so such things, they do sometimes.
I was guilty of this when I was a kid ( and they both are ) It wasn’t because of my upbringing, it was out of immaturity and lack of experience.</p>

<p>I think it is pretty common when one goes off to college and one stays behind to encounter such situations. I think it is okay to let him know you are disappointed in his actions , but don’t let it ruin your Christmas.
When my oldest daughter broke up with her high school boyfriend, we were all a little sad because we were close to him and he was like part of the family. We knew it was inevitable though and stayed out of it.</p>

<p>Since then , we have not let ourselves become close to any boyfriends and won’t until we feel the relationship is a more serious one.</p>

<p>We are nice, cordial and welcoming…but that is where it ends.</p>

<p>I feel that these children/young adults are forging their way and need to learn some of these difficult lessons with perhaps a little guidance , but ultimately on their own.</p>

53

<p>Wait till they are even older and the marriages break up. I worry. I am an older mom so many of my friends have kids who have gone through marriage and divorce. It is traumatic to the parents as well. </p>

<p>I have come to the conclusion, however, that not permitting ourselves to come close is not the answer. If you hit it off with someone, you do. I just create borders in terms of areas of discussion and personal involvement. I think it is going too far to get involved in others’ intimate lives, for instance. Or their vices. Yes, if they are heading for trouble in those areas, that’s one thing, but there are just certain activities that are between the two in the relationship. </p>

<p>I’ve seen a number of parents who have accommodated intimate relationships that their dependent kids have, and too often it causes more hurt and problems. It’s not as though you are necessarily going to be rewarded for your involvement. You rarely get the full story even if you are heavily involved. </p>

<p>My brother taught us these lessons when he was “dating” and with his marriages.</p>

54

<p>It really upsets me that so many people think that cheating is inevitable. Growing apart when one goes off to college, or breaking up may be. But there is no excuse for cheating. Break up with the old partner first, and THEN find a new one. If more people understood that the world would be a better place and I admire the OP who has trouble with their child doing this. The particulars of our children’s relationships are none of our business, but as a parent, it is up to us to teach them morals and this definitely falls under this category.</p>

55

<p>I have to say I am a bit surprise too. Most parents here would be all over this if it’s about cheating on a test or paper, but nothing about cheating on a partner. I don’t think the hurt/damage is any less because they are not married or make it acceptable.</p>

56

<p>^^Agree completely with post #54. Perhaps breaking up is inevitable; cheating is not. I too find it upsetting that so many posters appear to think “oh well, cheating was going to happen…” This kind of herd mentality is what can set the stage for cultural change and acceptance–and in this instance, I don’t think that’s a good thing. </p>

<p>Age is NO excuse for cheating. There are ways to exit a relationship with integrity and character–whether someone is 20, 30, and 40.</p>

<p>To the OP–I empathize with you. My 20 year old has made some choices I did not consider stellar. However, I have seen incredible growth and maturity in the last year. Life as a sophomore parent is WAY easier than as the parent of a freshman.</p>

<p>I also commend you for taking a stand. I don’t think we work so hard for 18 years to teach them character, integrity, kindness, work ethic, etc. just to throw up the reins and let them go at it full force. Adulthood is a gradual transition and we all know 18-22 year olds are <em>not</em> fully matured. I am 45; my parents are 65. They are still giving me their opinions and guidance. I greatly value this. They have the wisdom of experience and I find it easier not to re-invent the wheel. (sigh–I know 20 years olds aren’t so appreciative!)</p>

57

<p>I agree with the poster that the focus of any discussions should be on how to end a relationship graciously and maturely. This sort of thing really shapes the person you are.</p>

58

<p>I think that what concerns me most about the situation the OP described is how the girlfriend involved the OP.</p>

<p>Reminds me a lot of an experience when I was in college when my boyfriend and I broke up, and my boyfriend called my mother to tell her that I’d cheated on him. My mother ripped into me including calling me some very nasty names, and the fallout from that affected our relationship for the rest of my mother’s life.</p>

<p>While I think it’s very appropriate for a parent to speak up if their adult offspring brings to them a concern about a relationship or if the parent stumbles upon some info that indicates a problem like cheating, I don’t think it’s appropriate for a parent to get involved because of a cheating complaint by a partner in a dating relationship. </p>

<p>There’s also something abhorrent to me about a dating partner’s complaining to their partner’s parent. Seems immature and inappropriate.</p>

<p>In addition, no matter how much a parent thinks they know about their kids’ romantic relationships, the parents do not know the whole story.</p>

<p>In my case, I learned almost 34 years later that my ex boyfriend had been cheating on me throughout our relationship. I learned this when I met at a conference the person who was his hometown girlfriend then, someone whom I had thought was just one of his friends. Her name is unusual, and I recognized it on her namebadge, and introduced myself to her by saying that I was the girlfriend of one of her close friends from high school. She explained to me – in telling detail – that she was his real girlfriend. </p>

<p>That wasn’t as much of a surprise to me as it could have been because about 10 years ago, I learned that when my relationship ended with the guy whom my mom thought so highly of, my friends actually were delighted because he’d been such a narcissistic jerk to me.</p>

<p>So, while the relationship ended in a way that could have been better, it was for the best. I also evolved into a person who made much better choices in men, and have been faithful in my marriage of more than 30 years.</p>

<p>Did my mother’s intervention help? No, all it did was make me angry at her and hurt our relationship. The lessons that I learned were things that I needed to do on my own. If I had been ready for her help, I would have asked for it.</p>

59

<p>Iconsult,</p>

<p>As the parent of a 21 year old daughter, I am very grateful to you for working hard to teach your son that cheating on a mate is hurtful and unacceptable. It must be especially hard to do this effectively, given that many people in our culture accept this sort of behavior as “normal” and “inevitable.” I think that it was probably inevitable, even natural, that your son would eventually break up with his HS girlfriend. And I see nothing wrong with him feeling attracted to the young women he met on campus.<br>
After all, most people in our society feel that eighteen years old is much too young for a serious, lifelong commitment. </p>

<p>The “wrong” part of your son’s situation was that he acted on these feelings of attraction prior to breaking up with his girlfriend. So I think that you did the right thing by conveying your disappointment about this behavior to him so strongly. You may be distraught about this right now, but your reaction will not be something that your son forgets very soon. Very few human beings are perfect at the age of eighteen; learning appropriate behavior in our complicated society takes time, as well as the efforts of good parents who work hard to instill good values in their children.</p>

<p>And I couldn’t agree more with those of you who are appalled at parents who laugh off their children’s sexual cheating. I guess this is why so many people in relationships are miserable. But hey, it’s good business for the tabloids, right?</p>

60

<p>I, for one, do not “laugh off” sexual cheating by young people. Unfortunately, it is a big part of their culture. Check out TV, movies etc. You can’t escape it. I will also say that the girls are not always innocent victims here. I have a son AND a daughter, so I’m not partial to one side or the other. I have learned a lot about some of the girls who were either partners or classmates of my son and it is truly amazing.</p>