<p>I find it interesting to see where people draw the line. It’s okay to have sex without the benefit of marriage, to have sex while still very young, to break college rules about sex in dorm rooms and even swapping roommates to live together in dorm rooms, again against college rules, etc. These students are young and not married. They need to apply the rules of common decency with each other. But we need to be careful about discussing morals if we turn a blind eye to some issues and not others. I agree that this is way too much involvement at this age. Our children know how we feel about just about everything, and now is their time to use that knowledge and find their own way, just as we did. They will take our influences and learn from their mistakes. If they are old enough to be in these type of relationships, they are too old to be scolded by mommy.</p>
<p>Regarding the relationship with the GF, my parents still have a very close relationship with my older brother’s HS GF (brother is now 50 years old!). She is a dear family friend, and was really the only one who could make my parents laugh during the awful couple of years after another brother’s suicide a few years ago. Although she may not be a “family member”, there is no reason that you can’t continue to have contact and a relationship with her unless your S is too uncomfortable about it.</p>
<p>“You can’t escape it.”</p>
<p>You can but it requires a counter-culture approach.</p>
<p>Though not close friends, I have maintained contact with one of my brother’s old girlfriends who is now married with kids and lives in our area. She is a lovely person.</p>
<p>I don’t think anyone here said that cheating is normal and inevitable…just the breaking up of people in this age group.
I agree with you Northstarmom…there are two sides and parents shouldn’t make a third.
I can recall years ago I broke up with a boyfriend that I had been with for about two years. My older sister and mother sort of scolded me and made me feel like I was making a big mistake. What they didn’t know is he was a major pot head and really didn’t treat me very well.
I didn’t tell them while we were dating or after the breakup
I then went out with a guy who not only didn’t smoke pot, but treated me well and had some goals.</p>
<p>I didn’t notice any posters laughing about the cheating. What I observed is that some thought it was a teachable moment with the son about how to go about breaking up before moving onto someone else and about the hurt it causes the original girlfriend. But this conversation is more appropriate if the child comes to the parent and not that the parent learns about it on facebook or from the ex. I still can’t see getting angry at the kid but more using it as a way of discussing how to handle such situations in the future. I think it is a learning experience that many young adults go through and is an opportunity for discussion. This is how they learn about relationship behavior. But I also think the level of involvement on the parents’ end is a fine line. I think parents still should be giving advice to their college age kids for sure. But I think mettling too much into their sexual relationships starts to cross a line. If the kid comes to the parent and has a relationship where such things are discussed, it is good to guide them about appropriate behavior.</p>
<p>The details of relationships are private. Trying to get the scoop on these things is like nailing jello to tree and just as messy. I would stick more to the general things like the more gracious ways of breaking up with someone, having discipline to break off a relationship before starting others, things like that rather than specifics of this relationship. </p>
<p>I have found that a lot of parents who have been entrusted by their kids of things that are usually private end up finding out that they have not been told enough of a story, and are embroiled in a mess of sorts. It also can put you into some truly sticky situations. I won’t go into specifics with my kids for that reason, though I am happy to address pragmatic, moral, polite, gracious behaviors and solutions to things.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>From post 18: </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Sounds like it to me. I think when we begin to accept this behavior without comment to our children, it begins to sound like we condone or at least accept it. Which I, for one, don’t.</p>
<p>One of the things that I find disturbing about high school (and even sometimes middle school) students’ relationships is their seriousness. 100 years ago, when I was young, you were a relatively free agent unless you gave/wore a HS ring or ID bracelet (remember those!!). Now everyone seems to be exclusive from the get go. Yes, there were some kids who made commitments in high school, but, to be honest, they were usually the ones not going on to college. They were finished with their educations and going out into the real world, getting married and starting families.</p>
<p>Before I get slammed re:emotional attachments, developing relationships etc., I DO remember the feelings we had as teenagers and the urgency we felt, but also realize now, and to a great extent then, how much we learned from “dating” and not just “going steady”. I’m not sure why that attitude changed - could it be insecurity, peer pressure, wanting to be sure they have a boyfriend or girlfriend? In any case, I think that a high school junior is way too young to make a long term commitment. The situation OP describes might not have happened if kids did not feel that they have to have a well defined relationship.</p>
<p>Interesting column in Friday’s Wall Street Journal about this very topic. “The Young and the Restless: Why Infidelity Is Rising Among 20-Somethings”.
One interesting comment- quoting Barry McCarthy, a psychologist and professor at American University. “The most common way that dating couples end a relationship is by starting another- that is, by cheating on their current partner.”</p>
<p>That’s because they haven’t been taught any different.</p>
<p>3bm103- You aren’t living in the real world. Dislike it all you want, but it’s reality and it’s happening whether we scream about it or not. My comment did not imply that I was advocating this behavior, but I do seem to be more willing to recognize what actually goes on than some of this forum. That’s why we even have “Turkey Drop” to talk about! Cheating may not take the form of a new sexual relationship, but these kids are away at college going to parties two or three nights a week and meeting all kinds of new people.</p>
<p>Condoning/Accepting/Parental involvement/overinvolvement aside:</p>
<p>Breaking up is hard. Young people behave immaturely in these situations because they are uncomfortable. Young men often don’t want to deal with talking it out. Young women don’t want to cause pain. So the relationship lingers, wilting. It is in that lingering stage that many young people will do things, cheating included, to precipitate the breakup. If they can get the other person to break up with them, they can avoid the ugliness of “the talk.”</p>
<p>The OP described his son as feeling trapped by the GF’s parental illness. Though I don’t condone it at all, I can certainly see that having a fling that the gf could find out about would be a way to to get her to do the breaking up. It may, in his addled adolescent mind, have been kinder than sitting her down at this difficult time in her life and breaking up with her because “things aren’t working out” or “We are growing apart.” It wasn’t the right thing to do by any stretch but I am trying to reassure the OP that his son is not necessarily morally bereft. It doesn’t make sense to us as adults but by giving her a reason to break up with him, she gets to save face and emerge from the break up as the dumper, not the dumpee.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>B…s… It’s because the culture has trumped the values on Sunday school and their parents.</p>
<p>Gusaspara, in our area it does not seem that way. It concerns me how casual the relationships are for them to get intimate. I can understand how things can lead into an intimate relationship over time, but this “friends with benefits” thing really gets to me. I think high schoolers are too young to be making those choices, as they are too often not mature and self sufficient enough to take the consequences of any problems that come of them. Parents inevitably have to be drawn into the mess. Once kids are college age, though many of us still think of the our kids as children, they are adults and are much more capable of taking care of these issues on their own. A few years can make a big difference. Though there are those who never grow up and are never self sufficient or mature, the opportunities to reach that point are greater. </p>
<p>I did not give my kids much opportunity to have sex, drink, take drugs, etc unless they wanted to do it in little sneaking intervals or at school, as they were busy at school and in activities. They were pretty well chaperoned. I tended to be a chaperone a lot, and at our house there was no sneaky business. No shades over my eyes. Not to say that there was zero activity, but I did minimize the windows of opportunity. Unfortunately, there are too many families that give no oversight to their kids’ activities once they are in high school. I have been appalled at how many of these families have no qualms letting their kids have an open house with no adults around. I was surprised at parents who stock alcohol for their kids, ignore signs of drug use, and allow sexual activity at their home. Although there is the rare kid who can handle all of this, most can’t and it is irresponsible to permit this sort of thing when other kids are involved. A lot of damage has and can be done. My experience has been that for the most part, kids are not going to be so grateful for the leniency and freedom that they are careful. They usually go overboard and then point their finger at the adult who gave them that inch when things go wrong. Have seen it many times. Yeah, it can go right, and does many times, but when thing go wrong, it can be quite a wreck of a number of people’s lives.</p>
<p>We’re obviously not going to agree on this one. It is not acceptable behavior. Period. I may not be living in your world, but in mine, my kids know how we feel on the subject. I can’t say for a fact that mine have never cheated because I don’t pry into their lives like that, but I am as sure as I can be that they haven’t. Both by their comments and behavior.</p>
<p>One of my sons has a friend whose parents got divorced. Mother was a controlling, obnoxious witch and I’m being nice. I told my son that although I don’t believe in divorce that in their case I could see why he left her. His reply was that although he agreed with that part, that the father should have found his new girlfriend AFTER the divorce and that’s why the son was mad at his father.</p>
<p>I guess I will join 3bm103 in the unreal world. I recognize that it may be common practice, but I think it’s my duty as a parent to let my kids know what is right and wrong, especially when they are young adults. When they are younger, it is not an appropriate subject to discuss nor it is a subject they can relate. </p>
<p>I don’t think it is appropriate to take sides in their relationships but parents hopefully will provide some moral compass if necessary.</p>
<p>While he may have taken longer to end this relationship, according to your view, Your son did show some maturity here. While he clearly did care about her, he was away at school and beginning a whole new life. he could have handled it much worse, he could have called, emailed or texted, but he chose to do it in person. moving on does not make him a bad person ( assuming this is not typical behavior for him.) hopefully he learned a lesson.</p>
<p>“It’s because the culture has trumped the values on Sunday school and their parents.”</p>
<p>Parents can do quite a bit to counteract the influence of the world around them. I see it all the time. Just not on these forums.</p>
<p>That’s excellent that your kids know how you feel, but if you watch any kind of TV or read magazines, you will see that the prevailing culture is what I am describing. Of course not every young adult behaves that way, but if you are looking at popular, social young people, you are going to see a lot of casual sex, infidelity and what I view as not enough regard for the feelings of others. It starts way before late high school years.</p>