<p>The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get. I have two sons, 21 and 18. Yesterday was my birthday and all I got was a “Happy Birthday” in the morning from the 18 year old and a call from college from the oldest. Oldest was in town on Saturday to go to a funeral and we took him and his GF to lunch afterwards. This is the first birthday that there was zilch. These boys spend PLENTY of money on themselves and their girlfriends. Each of their respective birthdays were in the past month and we got them VERY nice gifts for their milestone birthdays. I am just miffed at their selfishness and being taken for granted. I’m not sure what to do. Ignoring it seems to just be letting them think it’s OK. Saying something seems childish. Not sure how to handle this. I mentioned it to DH, and it would be nice if he did it…but I doubt if he will. What would you do? It’s the first time it’s happened, and I really wouldn’t appreciate it if it happend again. A $5 pair of earrings and a card would have been sufficient. </p>
<p>They should have done something for you. I don’t think it is childish for you to say something. It is a teaching moment. </p>
<p>I don’t need a present from my kids, but flowers and dinner are a nice way to tell me how much they appreciate me.</p>
<p>If you’re hurt, don’t stew privately, let them know that you’d like a card and a small token of appreciation–flowers, card, treat to a meal (prepared by them or taken out). That is NOT childish, but if you don’t say or do anything, this will continue, I predict. Speak up if your H doesn’t. As you say, it would be best if he takes them aside and saiys something but if you suspect he won’t, YOU need to. My dad & bro’s secretary was very hurt that they missed her birthday one year and let them know–they have circled it in red and made sure never to reapeat that–buying her flowers, taking her out to eat, etc.</p>
<p>I’m sorry, conmama.
I don’t think calling them out on this is childish. I would just calmly say something along the lines of I really disappointed that you did not at least get something to acknowledge my birthday.</p>
<p>I know how you feel.
Id give them a wall calendar for Christmas and have your birthday pre- marked!
My youngest calls for my birthday, and usually mails a nice package as well but my oldest didn’t, and when I asked her about it a month later, she said she didn’t want to talk to me.
She calls my H, but he doesn’t necessarily tells me what she says unless I ask, and she won’t speak to me on the phone or generally respond in any way… While the estrangment has been going on for over two years, he refuses to say anything to her about it, because " he doesn’t want to be in the middle".
Well, guess what Buster, you are her father & my husband, and you ARE in the middle.
She was supposed to come up to see us and her sister on Thanksgiving, since she and her new husband have a tradition of spending Christmas with his family, but she isn’t responding to texts asking if she is coming or not, and H " forgets" to ask her.</p>
<p>If there’s something I want that is in my kids price range, I’ll tell one of my kids and suggest they tell the others. I have let it be known that I would like a card for my birthday and I’ve gotten some fun short videos and cards. Life is to short to have anyone guess what I really want. Heck, if I REALLY want something, I’ll just buy it myself. </p>
<p>I see this in my future. </p>
<p>I like sending a calendar with premarked date—and maybe gift idea. </p>
<p>If H won’t step in, could you jokingly remind them somehow? I don’t know enough about your relationship with them or how they will feel when reminded. One of mine would be upset if he knew he forgot and I was hurt by that omission.</p>
<p>My kids both call on birthdays…and you know…hearing them on the phone gives me more joy than any gift they could possibly send. Seeing them in person is even better!</p>
<p>I think I’m going to have to say something to them. I’ve alway been very upfront with my kids with just about everything. Thumper…I understand what you are saying. Of course their presence, etc. brings me joy…but this is about being thoughtful and reciprocating, and yes…I have some expectations. I don’t like being taken for granted, and that is exactly what they did. We do alot for our children, and perhaps with saying something…this will be another teachable moment. </p>
<p>Yes, this isn’t about the "gift’ itself, it is about the thought (or lack thereof). In my opinion, the best solution is for your husband to talk to them - he can instill the fact that they should respect and cherish their mother better than you saying you were hurt. You want them to remember your birthday because it’s the right thing to do, not because they’re afraid you’ll be mad. Having DH tell them gets this across much, much better.</p>
<p>I have VIVID memories of blowing off mother’s day when I was about 13 (thinking that I could go shop “tomorrow”). My mother’s sadness and how she talked to me about feeling unappreciated made quite an impact and has influenced how I treat others. So, yes, you should say something. </p>
<p>I’m petty. If you complain you’d likely only get an eye roll. I’d say nothing and then get them nothing on their birthday. Then I’d say: Oh, we’re still giving gifts? I though we weren’t anymore because of what happened on my birthday. Yes, it is petty, but some people only truly understand hurtful actions when they experience what it feels like to be hurt. At that time I would decide as a family what birthdays will look like in the future. Their life partners will thank you for this lesson in thinking of others.</p>
<p>Well…I just sent them both an email. Here is what I said. </p>
<p>My Dear Sons,</p>
<p>I just want both of you to know how much I love you. I love being around you, talking to you and think myself a very lucky woman. I think we have a wonderful family. And…as you two boys know…there’s not much I hold back whether it’s good or bad and I think you’ll agree with that.</p>
<p>I appreciate your birthday wishes yesterday. But I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me that it wasn’t acknowledged with a bit more thought. You both had birthdays in the last month and I think Dad and I were quite generous with you both. Not only on your birthdays, but just about all the time. How would you have felt if we just said, “happy birthday” and left it at that. This is not about “getting presents”, but feeling loved and appreciated. I felt quite taken for granted yesterday and my feelings were hurt. You seem to have plenty of money that you spend on yourselves and your girlfriends…and I’m glad we’ve taught you to be generous in that way with them…you should. But your parents are people too. </p>
<p>Dad’s birthday is in 2 months. I hope you remember this for his birthday. Love, Mom</p>
<p>That was perfect. Hopefully they got the message loud and clear!</p>
<p>Nice note! Let us know their response. </p>
<p>Perfect!</p>
<p>Nicely said conmama. I suspect if my H didn’t remind him, my 21yo S would also forget or do little on my birthday. My 14yo D would remember though. Happy Belated Birthday!</p>
<p>First, happy birthday conmama! </p>
<p>My birthday is tomorrow and I don’t expect anything other than a call from my S (who is a senior in college.) I am absolutely fine with that. </p>
<p>I can’t imagine being upset that my S didn’t do something in addition - but I guess everyone feels differently about these things</p>
<p>Thanks. I’ll let you know what they respond. DS1 doesn’t check his college email daily. DS2 email goes to his phone, so he’ll read it. If I know them like I think I do (every year that seems less and less), they will be quite apologetic. I don’t want anything “now” of course…but I hope this does the trick in the future and makes them think. In any case, I’ll let you know.</p>
<p>I would have cc’d their dad. If he is smart, he would tell the boys to send you some flowers.</p>