<p>I guess we must all have different expectations, that’s what makes the world go round as they say. But I am glad I said something instead of stewing about it. I think if I knew my son didn’t have any money, was scrapping by, etc…I wouldn’t care either. But I have access to his checking account (since we put food money in there weekly) and I see all the stuff he spends money on. </p>
<p>Happy Birthday to you, too, Emilybee…fellow scorpio!</p>
<p>I strongly agree with those who say this is a teachable moment. I have completely rethought my position the gifts I want to receive. I figure that by giving my kids the opportunity to give me a gift that makes me feel happy and appreciated, I am also making them feel good and teaching them how to treat the important people in their lives. It works well to tell them exactly what I want. For example, for my birthday last month, I told youngest D that I wanted inexpensive new earbuds that would stay in my ears. She researched on Amazon and found the perfect ones for about $15. Then the trick is to totally rave about the gift and how much it means to me. So I occasionally text her while I am walking and listening to music and tell her that I love my earbuds and that she has changed my life. I used to get absolutely no recognition on Mothers Day and that was somehow even more depressing when I feel like I turn myself inside out for for my kids on a regular basis. By asking for what I want and then saying things like “This is the best Mother’s day of my life,” I have totally turned things around. One D flew into town to surprise me - best gift ever. And my formerly least appreciative child gave me flowers, a scarf and a share in a gift certificate this year. And I know she felt good about it - she beamed when I was so clearly moved and happy. </p>
<p>Just saw the email you sent and I think it’s great. I hope it works.</p>
<p>I’d proceed carefully on openly calling them out on not giving you birthday gifts/forgetting your birthday yourself. </p>
<p>Doing so could run the risk of causing them to feel you’re “guilting for gifts”. I’ve lost count of how many young and older adults minimize/avoid company of their parent(s) for this sort of calling out back in their childhoods/young adulthoods. </p>
<p>IMO, insist your H deal with this so it’s more about him acting the role of guiding father rather than risk perceptions of petty parent wanting gifts/to be celebrated on birthday. He as your spouse and co-parent needs to be the one to take the lead, here. </p>
<p>Incidentally, I’ve stopped doing anything for one older relative for his birthday because he’s so excessively critical nothing is ever “good enough” for him. </p>
<p>Their Dad may say something to them without me knowing it, since I told him my feelings were hurt. He’s like that…I might never know about it though. I didn’t cc him on it because I wanted to mention him in my email. They have a great Dad and I would be more angry at them for missing his than missing mine.</p>
<p>If it’s important to you, then mention it. The fact that they remembered and it least for one son, it was earlier in the day is a “win” in the thoughtful department. </p>
<p>I think it depends on your family dynamics. The last thing I would be looking for myself is a gift - I’m just not much for getting gifts - but, a call or visit - that’s CAKE!!! :)</p>
<p>I think your e-mail was very good. I think children need to be guilted once in awhile–when they are guilty. I have to guilt my own kids periodically about failing to call their grandmother.</p>
<p>Good for you MOM! I would have been hurt as well. My son who is 24 is not very good about birthday or Mother’s Day (I always get a call but no card) but he makes up for it when he arrives home at Christmas. He doesn’t have much money and he’s definately still in that “all about me” stage but I call him on it too. But, I get much more upset when he forgets his little sister’s birthday, she is 17, and she never forgets him.</p>
<p>Also, since my immediate family didn’t grow up celebrating birthdays beyond early elementary due to financial issues/work taking away from family time, I don’t feel anything when someone forgets my birthday. </p>
<p>Heck, I’ve had times I’ve forgotten it was my birthday and only realized it when others wished me “Happy birthday”. </p>
<p>Ironic considering it happens to fall near one of the major federal holidays and I happen to share the same birthday as a major Hong Kong movie star and one of rock music’s most notable pioneers. </p>
<p>To some extent, forgetting birthdays/anniversary may also be due to differences in gender socialization. A lot of US pop culture perpetuate stereotypes that males, especially younger males forget/don’t consider birthdays/anniversaries more often than their female counterparts. To what extent could this be a factor, here?</p>
<p>I’m a straight shooter with the kids, and I have to say they’ve never forgotten in the past. Now, whether their Dad has reminded them or not, I don’t know. DS 1 did surprise me his freshman year and came home with a gift on my birthday. I honestly don’t remember last year. DS 2 has always been the most generous and really puts thought into gifts and writes his own cards. I do think they go through selfish moments. But like I said…we just gave 21 year old a beautiful watch and new iphone 6 for his 21st…plus a really nice dinner out. I took DS2 shopping 2 weeks ago and he and I spend 4 hours clothes shopping and had a ball. Spent several hundred dollars. Those boys could have bought me something yesterday and I don’t feel bad if they feel a little guilty. It’s not a card I normally play and like many things, should be used sparingly. I have no problems using it today.</p>
<p>Now, for some reason I expect nothing at Christmas from them. Never have. It doesn’t bother me. I don’t know why. But my birthday and Mother’s day I would like to be acknowledged in more than the easiest, laziest way.</p>
<p>Oh, yeah. Forgot to say Happy birthday, conmama!</p>
<p>Oh yeah…where’s my gift Cobrat! LOL!</p>
<p>{{{ hugs and happy birthday! }}}</p>
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<p>Just my opinion, but it is DH’s job to handle this. And, frankly, he should have handled this years ago when the boys were old enough to understand that “we get mom a gift for her bday, Mother’s Day, and Christmas” ( or whatever you observe). Your DH should have developed the habit of taking the boys out shopping a week or so before each occasion to “shop for mom”. This trains them to “think that way.” The same would go for you in regards to dad’s occasions. </p>
<p>P.S. Good note…a little guilt goes a long way. (signed, an Italian mommy)</p>
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<p>It’s hidden in one of those 55 gallon drums located in a certain yard on Staten Island. :D</p>
<p>@mom2collegekids…he did. When they were little he took them out. When they were older, but didn’t have jobs yet he gave them money and they bought their own gifts. When they were a little older still, I think he just reminded them. A couple of years ago I told him to stop reminding them. They were old enough to remember my birthday…they were not little boys anymore and they’ve come through.</p>
<p>I told DH I was hurt this morning and you could tell he wasn’t happy with them. However, I’m not going to tell my husband to do that…he can if he wants. I’ve never been the mom that says “wait until your dad gets home” kind of Mom, I’ve always just handled things myself. My Type A personality I guess.</p>
<p>OK…if that’s a Hidden Joke, I don’t get it. Sorry. But I’ll take a Macy’s gift card.</p>
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<p>Oh, it’s a joke referencing how the borough of Staten Island used to have a major dump and how its presence has been used by other NYC residents to poke fun at the borough. </p>
<p>That and referencing the type of garbage/dump type jokes common among adolescent/young adult males where I grew up. </p>
<p>One can also tie it to oil and its recent standings in the global market, too. </p>
<p>OK…got it! I’ll still take the Macy’s gift card.</p>
<p>Great!</p>
<p>I think my son was 14 or so when he forgot Mo’s Day. I asked him if I had done something wrong or if he was upset with me. He got the message. When he left for college, I’d mention by e-mail plans for my birthday. I was satisfied with a call or card. Now that he is earning more, he sends a gift. Frankly, I wish I could see him more often, but our calls are long and deep.</p>
<p>Would you wear the $5 pair of earrings? Can you not afford the $5 yourself? I don’t get it. If you wanted some object and can afford it why do you need your kids to buy you a gift? </p>
<p>I haven’t bought my parents any gifts. Has never occurred to me that they’d be upset. Though I can’t imagine why they would be upset. </p>
<p>Why would a thoughtless $5 pair of earrings or a gift card make you feel more appreciated than “Happy Birthday.” </p>
<p>@Vladenschlutte, how very brave of you to drop yourself in as bait among hungry sharks! This will be an amusing thread to read. Thank you for providing the entertainment!</p>
<p>Remember the setup: acknowledges girlfriend’s birthday, comes home for a funeral, but doesn’t manage to make any special mention of mother’s birthday apart from mentioning it in passing.</p>