<p>Oh @Vladenschlutte here’s another variation on your note…it’s from your Mom:</p>
<p>'Dear Vladenschlutte,
Sorry for no birthday gifts this year. We know you can afford to buy your own gifts. If you’re a bit hurt, I don’t get it. If you wanted some object and can afford it. why do you need your mom or dad (or even friends) to buy you birthday gifts?</p>
<p>We know we have never given you a birthday gift. It had never occurred to us that you’d be upset. Though I can’t imagine why you would be upset.</p>
<p>We figured, why give you a thoughtless $5 gift card when we can yell out, 'hey, Happy Birthday," in passing?</p>
<p>We’re sure you understand. if not, then that’s on you, bub. </p>
<p>Wow! I grew up in a casual birthday family where it’s about the phone call and singing over the phone. My mom always told us not to do anything for her for mother’s day because we were the ones with small children (at the time). On the flip side my MIL was VERY into cards and gifts for everything. Heaven help you if you didn’t send a big-ass flocked card for every occasion. One year DH had just been laid off and we got a call from FIL on Sunday morning. I answered and asked how things were. He said, “not very good.” “oh, I’m sorry . . why?” I asked. “MIL didn’t get anything for Mother’s Day.” OMG!!! We are trying to figure out how to pay the bills and it completely slipped my mind to order a fuchsia basket so FIL called me to complain?! That just took the cake. She got her big-ass cards after that and her flower baskets but they were not sent with good will. Who wants to be hounded? I don’t get the expectation in the first place but I really don’t get feeling hurt and saying something about the omission. I will take a voicemail birthday song or a silly picture in a FB message any day of the week.</p>
<p>Dang . . . so many edits . . . I’m still so exercised about that phone call that I can’t type properly. I can tell you that last year was the first Mother’s Day since MIL passed away and it was strangely peaceful without all the command performance stuff rolled into it. The kids used to bring me breakfast in bed but I never expected it. It was just a cute thing when it happened.</p>
<p>I’m sorry, too, for u conmama. Your boys should have done more to acknowledge you. If not a gift, they should have at least made more of a gesture.</p>
<p>I remember when my kids where little and they made me breakfast for my birthday one year. They poured the milk in my cereal and then woke me up later to surprise me. I appreciatively ate every soggy bite of it.</p>
<p>We never stop teaching people how we want to be treated - either explicitly or implicitly. If you expect your kids to give you gifts, then you need to teach them and, yes, remind them when they’re young. I don’t expect gifts, but I do expect some sort of acknowledgement on birthdays, Mother’s Day, etc. My older D (22 yr old) always texts or calls (we live overseas so there is a time difference now). My S (19 yr old) needs reminders. So, I usually remind him a couple days in advance. And this year, he was the first to text “Happy Birthday”. He was so pleased to have beaten his sister to the punch! (And H is 50 years old and still needs reminders about his parents’ birthdays!)</p>
<p>But I suppose this is no different from teaching any manners - writing thank you notes, holding open doors, giving a seat to someone on public transportation. Kids need reminders (some for longer than others) but eventually they should start to do these things unprompted.</p>
<p>These young men are old enough to understand the importance of acknowledging their mother’s birthday in a special way. It’s an important thing to teach them and my hat’s off to you, OP, for being straightforward with them. As you have said it’s not about the gift itself, but it’s about being recognized by your sons. A handwritten note, received on or before THE day or a special hug when he was home the previous weekend would have been nice–"Hey Mom your birthday’s next week and I just want you to know that I love you and think you’re the BEST!)—something that says I’m a lucky guy to have you as my mom…something that says I’ve thought about it and planned ahead (as we do when things matter to us) to recognize somebody who’s important in my life… </p>
<p>Birthdays don’t matter to everyone but they should know their mother well enough to know that they matter to her! </p>
<p>My good friend had an auto accident in her new car recently…Her son texted her: “Mom your car can be replaced, but you can’t be. I love you and I’m glad you’re OK.” This kid ‘gets’ it!</p>
<p>Ok, maybe it’s not exactly like manners, but it is about expectations. This mom expects a gift on her birthday. She has to teach her children to honor that expectation. It’s not something that they just magically know (like manners). </p>
<p>I do not come from a big birthday family. We text, and might call, but that’s about it. However, we know that expectation so no one is hurt over it. </p>
<p>I think your sons absolutely deserve to know it hurt you. Sometimes, we’re too dense to see that our parents are hurt. I loved the note and wish you happier future birthdays :)</p>
<p>OP, I get it and I have the same problem. I am certain that my kids love me, but hey don’t think to my me a gift or a card for any occasion. I’ve also convinced myself that it is my fault. We should have taken them to a store with a few bucks and let them pick out gifts when they were kids to get them in the habit. We didn’t do that, and the gifts flow one way. I would never deny them anything. And I am sure if I really needed something significant from them, they would do it. But generally, I think I am seen as part of the house or something. There’s a better way to say that, but I can’t think of it. They see no need to maintain that relationship because they know I’m not going anywhere. </p>
<p>I totally get the hurt because I feel it too. Then I feel guilty for feeling hurt, but I feel it nonetheless. But I know that I am blessed…vicious cycle.</p>
<p>My mom was not the type who expected gifts, but we always got her gifts. When we were young, my dad would take us out and we’d shop. It wasn’t anything expensive, but they were small things that she would want/use. Once we were older, we would pool our money together to buy her (or dad) things that they wouldn’t normally splurge on themselves, but would really like. </p>
<p>My MIL expected the WORLD…we were expected to fly-in - a total weekend of focused attention on her, etc. When my first son was born on her birthday, that became the end (in my mind) that that day was HER day. From then on, that day was our SON’S day…because kids are kids and their birthdays are more important. I’m sure she didn’t appreciate it, but that’s the way it was. I still always bought nice things for her and sent them…but no more fly-ins for her day/weekend. </p>
<p>OP…it will be interesting to hear what responses you get from your sons…</p>
<p>My D likes to shop and buy presents for people, so I get a birthday present from her pretty regularly. My S hates to shop and thinks cards are stupid, so he calls me on my birthday. I know they both love me. I wouldn’t spend two minutes pouting about not getting a gift from one of them. If they treat me respectfully and kindly the rest of the year, gifts aren’t important; if they don’t, gifts won’t make up for it. And I make a big deal out of my kids’ birthdays because it makes me happy to do so, not because I expect a quid pro quo, which strikes me as childish. As for the OP’s letter, I expect it will result in a better birthday experience for her for the next few years, but she’ll never know if it’s from genuine remorse or just to get her off their backs. Not worth the candle, in my opinion.</p>
<p>This seems simple to me–if you are in a family that exchanges gifts for birthdays, then it’s not nice if some members of the family fail to do it, especially not long after they just received nice birthday gifts. If your family doesn’t exchange gifts for birthdays, then this issue just doesn’t apply to you. If you’re just happy with a phone call on your birthday, imagine that one year your kid doesn’t call.</p>
<p>The most cherished gift I’ve gotten didn’t cost a cent. Well, except for the cost of the card…the novel that was written on the inside of last years Mothers Day card will be hard to beat. Totally took me off guard, and made the roses that actually come with it pale in comparison. I re-read that card when I’m feeling down…especially now that I am struggling with that same child. It gives me hope…</p>
<p>Well, I’m not sure whether this applies when people’s resources are unequal.</p>
<p>One of my kids is a graduate student now, and the other spent several years in graduate school in the past. I would not want someone living a frugal graduate student’s lifestyle to spend money on a birthday gift for me. Yet I also wouldn’t want to deny myself the pleasure of getting birthday gifts for them.</p>
<p>This is just an example of different lifestyles/families/traditions. To some a gift is a must, to others the gift is not near as important as the acknowledgement. One side probably looks foolish or needy to the other. I’m with Vladen with the $5 earrings - what’s the point? TO ME, what’s the point? But to another, it IS the point! Different strokes!</p>
<p>That’s what I was thinking… Now, my parents would never say “Hey, give us a gift.” or anything like that, but if they did it would be… I don’t even know how to describe it. It just seems so inappropriate. </p>
<p>I’ve read all these responses with much interest…but the things that are in common are expectations. If a card, or call, or whatever it is that you do in your family makes you feel acknowledged that is fine. Now image that child just stopping that. You can’t tell me you wouldn’t feel the same as I. My family exchanges gifts, and no I don’t expect a store bought gift…just something more than a lazy Happy Birthday. Maybe a card and flower. Bake me cookies…just something where you go the extra mile. And by the way…there a some really great $5 earrings at Steinmart…I can’t believe some would turn your nose up at them. I also appreciate the comment that we should anticipate what makes our loved ones happy once a year and honor that. </p>