Two sons and no birthday gift.

<p>As conmama says lots of us have different expectations even within our families. And I am the one in ours that cares little for gifts. But I wouldn’t want to be the one hanging my hat on “but it’s the thought that counts!” for someone I love with more expectations. </p>

<p>No acknowledgement is one thing. But I am being TOTALLY honest - cards are a waste to me! Put some words on a sheet of notebook paper that you truly mean - even just a few words - and I’m much happier. I also rarely buy cards myself for people. Hallmark gets very little support from me! </p>

<p>The $5 earrings at Steinmart might be totally fine. But I totally don’t need them. Just say happy birthday, give me a hug if we are in person and be generally kind to me the other 364 days of the year. </p>

<p>Well, I do have to agree with you about cards, i dont buy many hallmark because i usually want to gag while reading them. The kids usually made homemade ones, well the youngest did, even up to lately. The older one would just write in it. They said the sweetest things. I do like funny cards from my friends though, especially the more saucy ones…those are fun. Insulting ones are a riot, too…but you have to have the right audience.</p>

<p>I’m still stuck on your kid who is away at college called you on your birthday and you’re upset about it. I guess if you want to spend your special day stewing that’s fine, but it seems like treating yourself to a nice spa day might be a more pleasant alternative.</p>

<p>W have two sons (24 and 27). They’ve never send DH or I birthday gifts or cards. I get a phone call if I’m lucky. DH will usually take me out to dinner but no gifts. Nothing for Valentines or Mothers Day either except maybe a phone call. We usually send Sons a gift card for their b-days. DH and I don’t usually get each other Christmas gifts either.<br>
Sons do give us a gift at Christmas. </p>

<p>I would have been thrilled if my son who is away at college called me on my birthday. He totally forgot it. Now THAT hurt. I don’t care about a gift at all - just want to be acknowledged.</p>

<p>Through college my girls would just call and post a bday greeting on FB (very neat when their friends chimed in.) I look at it as, they remembered- and let them know that makes me happy. Now that they’re a bit older, they fuss a bit more. These little attentions can ebb and flow when they’re college age and I tend to look at the long run. </p>

<p>Happy Birthday. Mine was earlier this month. </p>

<p>I am totally in agreement that not to be acknowledged would be sad. I’ll be honest, though I understand what you’re saying is that the buying of something is necessary for the acknowledgement to count (phone calls don’t), and that’s the family dynamic, it just does seem odd to me that a thing matters more than contact.</p>

<p>But if that is the case, then it would behoove them to honor that. </p>

<p>I’m with you Conmama, I would be peeved as well. My children are still all in high school, so H kind of takes the lead on my B-day and Mother’s Day. We usually do a dinner or lunch out and then come home for cake and a glass of champagne. Gifts are usually small tokens - a book, my favorite chocolates or a bouquet. I definitely expect some attention on those days - I have earned it!</p>

<p>I think your email was perfect. You are doing both boys a favor by letting them know how they should treat the women in their lives who love them. I also agree with other posters who have suggested that your H should have stepped in. You should not have been put in the position of writing that email.</p>

<p>Conmama, can I copy that note and use it for MY kids and DH?!? ;)</p>

<p>Thanks for the support from those that understand my feelings, and what I’m trying to say. </p>

<p>Even though I don’t share @conmama 's need to receive special attention on my birthday (or mother’s day) (or my anniversary) (or…), I do think she handled it well with a sensitively worded direct communication. There’s no shame in letting your loved ones know what you expect them to do.</p>

<p>My kids are bombarded with reminders from DH and me to “call your grandmother tomorrow; it’s her birthday” because it makes a difference to both grandma and her husband. And they like to think the kids remembered all by themselves.</p>

<p>For me, the things I treasure most are the ones that arrived out of the blue. The drawing from a kid that says “Best Mommy Evar (sic).” The painted sign saying “Live Love Learn” from the teen who seemed to be trying his best not to do any of those things at that point in time. The picture of herself from the kid who is a photographer and hates having her picture taken. So much more meaningful to me than a gift card to Barnes&Noble (which I will happily use!). :)</p>

<p>Goes to show how things like that can be put on a back burner, then off the stove altogether. My birthday is in the summer, so my college kids tended to be at home. We always make an effort to have a birthday celebration, and the kids make the effort to be there. The few times any of them have missed mine or DH’s, they have come by as soon as they could, with card and usually some gift in hand. But come to think of it, this summer my college kid did stayed in college town over the summer, taking a job there, and all I got from him was a phone call. Because we have such a large family with so many birthdays clustered around mine, I didn’t pay much attention, that I didn’t get a card or gift from the kid out of town. </p>

<p>I don’t think that being so remiss the one time is such a big deal, but… I don’t want it to be the start of a trend. I take the trouble, even at times when it has pained me, to send a package and a check to my kids who were away at their birthdays. </p>

<p>It troubles me when these things go by the wayside because, it is too easy to just push them aside. It does take discipline of sort to get a birthday card out on time, pick a gift that shows some thought. I generally remind my kids of birthdays coming up, simply because we do make a bit of a deal of it with a family get together, cake, and yes, cards and gift. For those without the funds to buy anything that costs a lot, a little creativity can result in a neat gift that costs little or nothing, IMO. </p>

<p>Just wanted to add that while I am now encouraging my kids to buy me inexpensive but thoughtful gifts, the very best one they’ve given me recently, other than a surprise visit, cost absolutely nothing. They each had their photos taken (in 3 cities on 2 continents) holding up two different handwritten signs. Then all six photos were emailed to me and posted on FB. Together they said “Happy Mother’s Day We Love You.” I was blown away. So no, it’s not about the $5.</p>

<p>I guess it just depends on the family. My Birthday was last week. We have 3 sons 13,16 & 20. They didn’t get buy me anything. The younger 2 said Happy Birthday. Hard for them to forget since DH always gets me flowers. I was happy that my 20 year old at school remembered to txt me and say Happy Birthday and that he loved me. </p>

<p>Puzzled88, that’s awesome! That gift would go a long way with me, so sweet! I don’t need stuff, don’t really want anyone to waste money on me. Birthday phone call and conversation would make my day. </p>

<p>

^ I would LOVE that! </p>

<p>My kids did in the past give thoughtful gifts to H and me, except for one year when S at college totally forgot H’s birthday. (I deliberately do not remind my kids about these things, as I consider it enabling. They know how to use a calendar, and do manage to remember their significant others’ birthdays.) Anyhow, he felt bad afterwards (natural consequences) and has never again forgotten.</p>

<p>But in recent years we have dropped all gifting, trying to simplify, plus none of us needs more “stuff.” What I do stress, however, is sending a card WITH A THOUGHTFUL PERSONAL NOTE in it. The note is what is most meaningful to me. This takes at least some thought and effort (and some pre-planning if the child is in another location). Plus we try to celebrate with dinner, if we can be together.</p>

<p>P.S. OP, I did really like your letter – open and sincere.</p>

<p>I had a similar experience on my birthday this year. I don’t want/need gifts, but I do want to be acknowledged. Up until last year, DD and DS used to make me cards (DDs we’re beautiful snowflake cut-outs that she made). This year, there was nothing. DS even had to be reminded by DH and DD to wish me HBD (and his is the week before mine). DH went out to the store late in the afternoon (it was a Saturday) and came home with a card, a card from the kids, flowers, and some scratch-off lottery tickets (all losers). He already knew I was feeling forgotten before he went, so it came off more as an apology than as a birthday acknowledgement. I was really annoyed with DH because I felt like he should be the role model for our kids. I always make sure we acknowledge him. I handled it by telling all of them a few days later that I felt hurt and forgotten and asking for a do over birthday celebration. I was perfectly happy just going out to the new ice cream shop together after dinner a few days later.</p>

<p>@mom2collegekids - i had to laugh. My mom’s first grandchild was born on her birthday. She was beyond thrilled, until a couple years later when she realized that all her future birthdays would be spent at Chuck E. Cheese…</p>

<p>I think the OP’s letter is strange, but apparently I am the odd one out on that… </p>

<p>it basically says “it’s not about the presents but you need to get me presents”</p>