<p>If my kids text me (even after being reminded by dad or sib), I’m good with that. I’m done with birthdays–rather pretend that I’m a year younger.</p>
<p>We aren’t big gifters here but I think conmama’s note to the sons was perfectly stated and spot-on. Her feelings were hurt and she expressed that well to her sons. </p>
<p>I totally understand OP position. In my family of origin, birthdays and holidays were a big deal and still are. In DH’s family, the presents and cake etc were not a big deal, but letting the person feel special was important.</p>
<p>To me, it truly is the thought that counts. OP didn’t care about getting a $5 pair of earrings. It was the idea that her S would have taken 10 minutes and $5 out of his day to remember his mother’s birthday. </p>
<p>There are no “strings.” It’s not about getting attention or gifts. It’s the fact that the woman who raised you, who obviously loves you more than anything and whom you probably love too (even if you can’t admit it out loud 
) is having a birthday and you should make a token effort to let her know you are thinking of her. </p>
<p>It’s treating your mom with the same respect you treat your girlfriend. It’s a life lesson I want to make sure my own kids learn. </p>
<p>OP I think your email was great and I hope your sons learn from it. It is a lesson they will appreciate the older they get as well. </p>
<p>Thanks @surfcity and all who understood where I was coming from. </p>
<p>I agree with OP, that you do not need an expensive gift to be happy on your b-day. We just need to know that we are loved and appreciated. I have not been buying gifts for my 80 years old mother for a few years now. I always get her flowers and invite my kids and the rest of the family to my house to celebrate her birthday. The reason that I do not buy her gifts is that she does not really need new stuff and if she actually needs something I buy it for her year around not just for birthday. My teen girl always makes very nice personalized cards for every event we celebrate. One year she did not make a card for me. I think she was busy with homework, or something else I do not remember now. I remember how upset I was. Birthdays are the most celebrated events at our house.</p>
<p>This year both kids came to town in July and D stuck around to celebrate my Bday with me. It was nice having them visit! They generally remember to call. I’d love a card but haven’t gotten many. We have birthday celebrations with them when we are in the same city at the same time, preferably in the same month as their birthdays, generally a nice dinner at a good restaurant that is nicer than where they would normally eat. ;)</p>
<p>We all tried calling S for his birthday but he didn’t answer–we did text him. D asked and S bought her a plane ticket to spend her birthday with us in HI. :)</p>
<p>Conmama, I hope you don’t feel bad - I’ve been following this thread, and there definitely have been some comments bordering on rude. For some reason, and I’ve noticed it in other threads, there is a definitely I-am-better-than-you attitude from some people who prefer ‘practical’ things to ‘frivolous’ gifts. Most recently, I’ve seen the same thing at the engagement ring thread, where some posters felt it was shallow to want one, and it’s better to spend money on something practical or not spend it at all.</p>
<p>Personally, I don’t get it. I like impractical gifts, I don’t think the point of a gift is something that you can’t afford. I like surprises! I love silly packages with Halloween decorations or a cute stuffed animal or a clever gadget (like a remote-controlled helicopter) or Brookstone Sand. I don’t think gifts are about something that’s practical and will be used forever. I think it’s about the person putting in the thought, figuring out what suits you (and it can be $5 or $100 or anything in between); as well as the joy of the moment and spending time enjoying the gift, even if it’s not something you will use for a year. It helps keep the whimsy alive 
</p>
<p>Recently, my friend, who has taken me out for some wonderful things for my birthdays (dinners, shows) asked me if I preferred gifts or events. I said I love doing stuff definitely and may prefer experiences, but I still love having that little token gift (and it really can be $5 or less), especially if money is being spent on something else, like a dinner) - it really makes a difference (and no, I don’t want to buy it for myself).</p>
<p>I think you are absolutely right, and good for you for saying something!</p>
<p>S is the best gift giver in our house.</p>
<p>Last year for our birthdays, S made personalized CD’s for me and H - with songs that have meaning to us, that we played to him when he was small, as well as snippets of TV commercials, TV show theme songs, etc. that were things that we particularly enjoyed or that are associated with us in some way. It was so personalized – he really “got” us in the smallest of observations.</p>
<p>The year before, he made D a scrapbook about “twenty years of being twins,” took pictures from their childhood and wrote little anecdotes about what was going on at the time and what it was like to be brother and sister.</p>
<p>And when D went off to school, he made her a Build-a-Bear where you squeezed its palm and there was his recorded voice. He had a special phrase that he used to greet his sister and tell her he loved her, and so he set it up so that she could squeeze one paw in the morning to be greeted and the other at night to hear he loved her. I swear, I am tearing up thinking of this!!</p>
<p>Your S sounds like a very loving and thoughtful person, pizzagirl!</p>
<p>Sheesh, yes, on several threads, a lot of people hassling others lately…for hassling others. We just had a long thread closed for the same. Best wishes on everyone’s birthdays. </p>
<p>PG - is your son taken? I have one unattached daughter.</p>
<p>@oldfort, funny</p>
<p>This thread reminds me of that old story that was in the paper years back about the H who got his wife a new vacuum cleaner for her birthday. </p>
<p>I once asked for a vacuum cleaner for my birthday :P</p>
<p>I would love a vacuum cleaner for my birthday. Our current one is showing its age but is not in bad enough shape to throw out – unless, of course, someone got me a new one.</p>
<p>That all depends on what D2 has in mind for a ring, oldfort, because right now, he’s still a patron at the Bank of Mom and Dad so their limits are his ;-)</p>
<p>"I like impractical gifts, I don’t think the point of a gift is something that you can’t afford. I like surprises! I love silly packages with Halloween decorations or a cute stuffed animal or a clever gadget (like a remote-controlled helicopter) or Brookstone Sand. I don’t think gifts are about something that’s practical and will be used forever. I think it’s about the person putting in the thought, figuring out what suits you (and it can be $5 or $100 or anything in between); as well as the joy of the moment and spending time enjoying the gift, even if it’s not something you will use for a year. "</p>
<p>I think this is a really important insight, as people have different gifting styles and can evolve over time.</p>
<p>My best friend and her family are like this. They take great pride on clever gifts, imaginatively wrapped, that the person would never think to buy for herself. Lots of whimsy. Lots of fantasy, lots of indulgence. A gift or treat for any occasion, just to say I love you.</p>
<p>Others are very practical. They exchange specific gift lists. Sometimes they even tell a relative - I know what i want, I’ll buy it and you give it to me, ok? For them, the point of a gift is - giving exactly what the person wants, not giving them a sweater with a gold zipper in the back when the person really wanted a sweater with a silver zipper and so now this sweater will sit unused in a drawer, what a waste.</p>
<p>Still others are offended by that - they don’t want to be told Exactly What To Give. Tell me you’d like a sweater, fine, but let me exercise my judgment. </p>
<p>Still others aren’t big givers on all occasions - but when they do, it’s Big Important Investment Gifts. The pair of diamond earrings, the nice watch, etc. </p>
<p>None of these are right or wrong - these are just different styles, so it’s pointless to discuss which way is better. Every family has to work out its way. I applaud conmama for conveying nicely to her sons that something was appropriate and she was hurt by not being remembered. </p>
<p>Totally supportive of the OP and really hope her sons get the message from what I considered to be a very thoughtfully written note. My husband has “taken care of” birthdays and mothers day for my boys for a very long time - - and honestly, I figured that once he stopped doing so, these events probably wouldn’t get recognized. To my surprise, my boys got me a very nice birthday gift this year that was more than I expected. But frankly, I would have liked a card with a truly personal note just as much. But it is sad if the ones you love don’t recognize your special day in some way that takes a little more effort than a text. I probably wouldn’t call my kids out on it, but the way the OP did it, I think it was terrific. Can’t wait to hear what they say. </p>
<p>In our family people have different styles of GIVING gifts not receiving them. My dad likes to take people shopping for a splurge item. My great aunt always used to give something practical like a coin purse and great uncle would slip a $20 into it for fun. My grandmother always gave very carefully chosen nighties. My sister and I very often do multi-part theme gifts for one another. My mom gives practical things and sometimes a practical splurge for the grandkids (expensive sports or music equipment). The giver has their own style and the recipient accepts it graciously.</p>
<p>DH happens to have a xmas birthday. He always prefers to give something, not receive. Win-win!! :D</p>