<p>Every family is different. OP wants more than an off handed phone call. She doesn’t sound like some of our MILs (I had one like that, too!) who expected the world to stop and pay them homage. Better for her to make that clear now than harbor resentment. And it is fair for her to retrain her boys to follow the family’s expectations. Don’t make her future DIL have to do it.</p>
<p>My family is pretty low key. A phone call usually will suffice, but DO make that call! We give funny and well thought out gifts when we all get together. Funny, not expensive. I had (had) a SIL who gave gifts for every little thing. We learned that is what she grew up with and adapted. We learned to give her frequent, little gifts. My ILs gave big, expensive gifts even when what you wanted/needed was something more modest. They expected more public acknowledgment of their generosity. </p>
<p>OP, I would have been okay with a phone call, but get irked when I am taken for granted in other ways, like when nobody picks up after himself. I hate the prince-like behavior. </p>
<p>My oldest will be going away to college next fall, likely a plane ride away, so it will be interesting to see what happens with birthdays, etc. We celebrate things in our family. The Easter bunny still brings everyone Easter baskets (even Mom and Dad) although the youngest is 15. Birthdays turn into birthday weekends if they fall on a Saturday or Sunday, including breakfast in bed if desired. Complaints that there is a Mother’s Day and a Father’s Day but no kid’s day has led to such a celebration. Sometimes parents provide gifts from the kids to the other parent and they will buy or make a card, or if they have a little money they will buy I gift themselves. I will be disappointed if birthdays are reduced to a text message or brief phone call once they leave the nest. It won’t necessarily be wrong, but it will take some getting used to.</p>
<p>Lizardly,
Not sure if your post about future DIL was in reference to mine, but in case it was, I’ll clarify. Future DIL and her family seem to be gift givers. They are a family of girls, and again I don’t know if this is a contributory factor or just an observation. But the conversation about gifts, shopping for gifts, what to buy her parents, SIL, BIL, niece etc will come up and be more commonplace in his life. </p>
<p>Other ideas on how our kids can demonstrate their thoughtfulness? Maybe we can generate a list of suggestions for our kids :)</p>
<p>My b-day is right before Xmas, so it kind of gets blurred into one. I, too, expect a little EFFORT (not necessarily money) put into my birthday, as I make big deals out of goskids b-days. And they usually rise to the occasion. </p>
<p>Goskid D got a Groupon and made a shutterfly book of all of our Xmas photocards since they were born (1990 to 2012), including all the pictures of them with Santa. LOVED it! Kids also photoshopped a picture of themselves with Santa the year that one was abroad–again, big hit with me. Goskid S gave certificate for IT help (he knows how challenged I am) with my computer, phone, camera.</p>
<p>My H is a good man and wonderful person. I couldn’t ask for better. He is terrible about gift giving and terrible about remembering. I’ve given up asking and being disappointed when he forgets. I remind him of most events but not his dad’s birthday. He forgets every year without fail. He will remember a week later and then asks me to send his dad something. I forget to do that sometimes ;). My H would and has forgot his own birthday so it’s not something important to him. </p>
<p>My S is terrible about communication in general. Birthdays are no exception. Last year he forgot my birthday but remembered to send a card for Mother’s Day which annoyed me to no end because I know it was his gf who reminded him. I try not to be hurt because why? I’ve had conversations with him and it doesn’t change. This year they visited over my H’s birthday and forgot even though I reminded him. </p>
<p>I use to text the kids to remind them of their dad’s birthday but I dont anymore. Annoying that my H thought that the kids remembered his birthday but it didn’t dawn on him that they always forgot mine. </p>
<p>I didn’t want to post here because it’s very sensitive and hurtful to me. I don’t like to even think about it because I sound bitter and b******. </p>
<p>My d always calls me and gets something great for her dad but I get something small and leftover. Last year for Christmas I got the free gift from Bath and Body Works while she got everyone else the nice stuff. She always remembers so I don’t want to complain but it does hurt. </p>
<p>I don’t know if I feel better dumping on everyone here. </p>
<p>Deb, I gave up on DH celebrating to the extent I hoped and started throwing my own bday dinner. I don’t tell the guests til they arrive because it’s not about gifts. I make something special (love to cook) and a fancy cake and we have fun. Makes me happy. </p>
<p>We experienced a loss last year and it put a lot into perspective, for all of us. For some, that may mean more focus on celebrations. I understand. For us, it meant the little things that are really more day-to-day. </p>
<p>LF, throwing my own b’day dinner tonight! I too like to cook and we don’t like to go out for fancy dinner on a weekday night, so I’ve invited the couple we date and our new neighbors - who I have been planning on having over since they moved in a few months ago, but there wasn’t a good time until this week. Hoping H doesn’t get stuck at work because of the snow emergency in Buffalo, but can’t do much about that if he does.</p>
<p>S called last night but not about my b’day. I will not be surprised if he forgets and doesn’t call today. He is coming home on Saturday for break so likely will wish me a happy b’day then. No biggie - I know he is buried under tons of work (doing thesis this semester.) </p>
<p>@deb922 Hugs…I get it. I sometimes feel like the tail end priority around here. My men are pretty clueless, and D who is normally pretty good is currently freezing me out. I’m not looking forward to Christmas. Not because of gifting, but because I just seem invisible to her right now, which makes me feel like crap. And then it spills over into the other relationships. Ok, thx for the cheap therapy session! ;-)</p>
<p>Birthdays are big in my family. I am usually the one doing all the planning and gift buying. Few weeks ago was D2’s 21 birthday. I flew her back home from study abroad so we could celebrate her milestone birthday together. I do a lot for my family, so for 2 days out of year (Mother’s Day and my birthday) I want my kids put some thought into making it special for me. </p>
<p>Every family is different, people should do what’s right for them, but it is important to let others know when your feelings are hurt.</p>
<p>We’re pretty lowkey about our birthdays, but DH and I appreciate a card and a phone call on the day. Both S1 and S2 screwed up on DH’s birthday their freshman year in college…no card was one thing, but no phone call either. DH sent them emails similar to what the OP sent to let them know he was hurt that they had ignored his birthday. They heard from me as well.</p>
<p>Since then, S1 has been very good, and after he graduated college, he now sends a small gift as well (not necessary, but appreciated). S2, even though he’s also graduated by now, doesn’t do gifts. He usually remembers a card (altho it sometimes arrives after the birthday) and a phone call (altho that may be at 10:30pm when he finally realizes he almost missed the day).</p>
<p>I’m not sure I understand oldfort, you do a lot for your family because you want to, or because you expect something in return? “The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” ~Samuel Johnson</p>
<p>Neither did I, Harvestmoon. Sounds like oldfort was saying birthdays are special to them and they handle it significantly. She did not at all say that she does it because she wants something in return. Might consider reading and following that quote you shared, EK.</p>
<p>EK asked the question to Oldfort - she asked in a way for her assessment of what was said to be cleared up if she misunderstood it. Reading Oldfort’s post I can see why EK would put the thought to question. </p>
<p>EK, I really like that quote. </p>
<p>A page ago people were talking about “insulting posts” - yet it continues above. </p>
<p>I thought EKs post was unkind, because it didn’t seem like a serious question, but more of an observation or comment on values. Perhaps it wasnt intended, but thats how it came across to me. So I found the quote, which was a lovely quote, ironic. We obviously can all read the same posts with different tones. My post was not intended to be an “insult”, but not sure I can say the same for yours, abasket. </p>
<p>It seems there are a lot of misunderstandings and people thinking someone is saying something negative lately. Maybe it’s the cold weather and lack of enough sunlight. </p>
<p>EK - give it a rest, it was a very narrow interpretation to serve your own purpose. I have very good/respectful relationships with my girls. I think one of the reasons is I let them know how I feel and I do not let them walk all over me. I don’t do things for them because I expect pay back, but I let them know that every relationship is not a one way street. I have paid for their private school education from K to college. Do I expect them to support me or give the money back to me? No. I did that out of love. </p>