<p>We don’t make a big deal over birthdays in my family, but I know that close family members feel bad if they forget to call or text on my birthday. Folks might think this sounds weird but if I don’t hear from certain close family members by mid-day or so, I’ll text them to say, “It’s my birthday! I’m having a great day!” The recipient always calls immediately and says, “I was just about to call you!” And I say, “I know!” It saves face and prevents that awkward moment two days later when the date hits the person and they have to apologize for missing the birthday. It feels passive aggressive to me to sit staring at the phone waiting for a call from someone who simply wasn’t paying attention to the date.</p>
<p>Genius, #nottelling! Are we supposed to use the # or the @nottelling? I’m not sure, but think you have a great solution, especially if you just want to touch base and don’t expect a big celebration or gift. D & I both tried calling S on his birthday but had to settle for leaving phone messages and texts. He just called now–over a week later when he got an email that we will be in his area in less than a month!</p>
<p>Facebook automatically notifies everyone on your friend list!</p>
<p>I’ve managed to avoid Facebook (just didn’t want to deal with it for certain professional reasons), so I’m probably forgetting all sorts of birthdays I’d otherwise be prompted to remember. </p>
<p>Perhaps a bit off topic, but does anyone have the opposite problem? I have a few warm acquaintances – not business contacts, so no ulterior motives – who year in and year out send me birthday cards or small gifts. It is a lovely thoughtful gesture but it ends up making me feel guilty for not reciprocating and if I did reciprocate there’d be about 100 people higher on my gift or card list … So although it is very lovely I really wish they wouldn’t do it. My ex-husband used to remind me that was just their thing – they liked being the thoughtful people who remembered everyone’s birthday – and they didn’t expect the same in return. But it still makes me feel bad. So no good deed etc.</p>
<p>Our group of friends gets around the gift giving by doing birthday and a holiday dinner among the women. It is always at a restaurant and if gifts are given they are token gifts but nothing is expected besides showing up. Outside of a business capacity I have never had an acquaintance give me a gift - agree that would be awkward.</p>
<p>Homeward Bound is a movie version of the book The Incredible Journey by Sheila Burnford.</p>
<p>If you Google Homeward Bound, you will get the pet rescue that I got my wonderful kitty from!! </p>
<p>I have a close friend whose mother put enormous pressure on everyone to get her something that was “good enough.” Flowers were not sufficient, not even very special arrangements. Her reaction to them was to tell the giver “not to bother next time.” Not to say thank you. Fault was almost always found with whatever was given. As a result, he took almost no pleasure in selecting gifts for anyone, and was constantly stressed at Christmas time.</p>
<p>This is not what conmama was saying or doing. She was pointing out that the customs of the family are established, and it is hurtful when they are ignored. I don’t expect a birthday gift or Mother’s Day gift from my S, but when one sometimes arrives, I am pleasantly surprised and very touched. I do expect a phone call, and if THAT didn’t come, I would be hurt indeed. </p>
<p>Completely unrelated to the OP in response to “the customs of the family” being established . . . generally speaking, who gets to decide what the customs of the family are? Again, from my own experience, my late MIL lived in her own special gifting and carding world. We played along as best we could to keep her pacified, but chose not to adopt her customs as our own. They were decidedly not the customs of the extended family as far as we were concerned. When kids are in the nest the mom and/or dad get to decide what the customs are but they shift as the family shifts. Part of teens and young adults differentiating is them deciding for themselves what to do and how to observe different special days and traditions. As the saying goes, they are probably more likely to settle back on something close to your if you let them go and don’t hold them so tightly that it drives them away.</p>
<p>I think OP was hurt (as I would be). I also agree with letting her sons know in the manner she believes is appropriate. </p>
<p>No one likes to be neglected, forgotten, treated with ‘scraps’.I can relate.</p>
<p>H never liked buying cards…however I pointed out to him that the sentiment means something to ME - so getting a card on Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, my birthday, Christmas is not a big request. H often will buy it on his way home the day before and leave the receipt in a bag on the counter instead of disposing of it. </p>
<p>Some men do not for whatever reason become any good at buying gifts for their wife. H has hang ups. Sometimes I spell out exactly what I want, point out it is not expensive but it is what I want. Then he doesn’t ‘fuss’ - usually it is something for the house. Clothes, jewelry etc I just get myself. H does not have the good gift ‘gene’.</p>
<p>The kids (now DDs 18 and 20) are not completely grown up in this area either. A few years ago, they were telling me what kind of birthday cake I should get, and I said that too bad, I am not buying a cake. H and I didn’t need the calories and I didn’t like the attitude - all about them instead of celebrating my birthday, MY day.</p>
<p>Last year, younger DD didn’t make or buy me a birthday card.I said something to her, as did H.</p>
<p>There is a transition with children - I loved the sentiments in the home-made cards I got when they were younger. Breaking out of the self-centered bubble is a transition. </p>
<p>One of the best gifts for H from his daughters was a picture book put together by the girls (I had a free-bee Shutterfly coupon, and also ordered another one for grandparents). I put together one picture book from large family gathering (one week vacation together) and purchased for some and others ordered as they liked it. Gave one to each DD as a memory too.</p>
<p>Older dau is very appreciative of all the things we get for her - she is around some students who are grateful being in college w/o big expectations. The other is at a campus where there are more students from wealthy families, and she still has a way to out grow the world revolving around her a bit.</p>
<p>A little effort and thoughtfulness goes a long way.</p>
<p>@conmama </p>
<p>Did your sons ever respond to your email? </p>
<p>notelling - I have a friend who does the same and I agree with your H… it’s their ‘thing’.</p>
<p>Oh poo. Amazon doesnt have Homeward Bound on their freebie download. They want $$</p>
<p>There is a book called “the 5 love languages” which says different people have a different combination of things that makes them feel loved. The 5 languages are: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, physical touch. </p>
<p>When you can determine your and your spouses or child’s love language you can make them feel more satisfied and loved in your relationship. My order is words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, physical touch. So it means more to me when I’m told I did a good job or someone sincerely tells me they love me. I don’t need to hold hands or be in close physical contact, but my husband does so while it doesn’t mean all that much to me, it does to him. </p>
<p>It sounds like gifts would be op’s primary love language and those disagreeing saying it isn’t a big deal is because it’s not high on their love language list. </p>
<p>Eyemamom, your post is very interesting and I do agree with it in general. But, please don’t assume that about me because of this one post, I understand why you did though. We don’t know each other IRL. I’ve not written anything about my deep and daily relationships with my children, husband, parents, sibling, friends, except for this one post. We all don’t really know about each other’s lives or challenges. And at different times and with different people, all those mentioned above could come in different orders…but that’s just my opinion.</p>
<p>I think we all can agree that no one should expect something that is unaffordable to the giver. That just means that if money is tight, then get creative and find another way to honor the Birthday Girl (or Boy). </p>
<p>My younger son (a full time student) spent an entire weekend with me helping me put together some “assembly required” stuff (H was out of town). We played old movies while doing so. We took some breaks and went to some fave restaurants (I paid…lol) That memory will last a lifetime. </p>
<p>That said, moms do often get taken for granted. The same kids who will spend a good bit of money on a friend’s bday or a BF/GF’s bday will essentially ignore their mom’s bdays. That shouldn’t happen…if they know that their mom would appreciate a little something, they should do something! …even if it’s just $10 flowers picked up at the grocery store or a new rose bush from the local nursery. </p>
<p>My son once made me a batch of chocolate covered strawberries as a gift. If you could have seen my kitchen you would have dropped dead. But then if you could have seen his face when he gave them to me, you would know I never uttered a word about the kitchen.</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>Sweet! </p>
<p>"That said, moms do often get taken for granted. "</p>
<p>IMO I think Dad’s in general might actually get taken for granted more often. How many of you send your Dad or Grandfather something on Valentines Day? I didn’t when I was younger. Mothers day always seems more “publicized” than Fathers day. I think women in general probably get more “gifts” than men. Although I have to admit with 3 sons that I think it’s harder to buy a gift for guys than girls.</p>