<p>Have been out of town and just read this thread all the way through. OP, I’m sorry you had this experience and I thik your email to your sons was perfect. </p>
<p>IMO, it doesn’t really matter what others think in that, of course, there are people who couldn’t care less about their birthday, people for whom a call is sufficient, or those who value being thrown a party and being treated like a queen for the day. As the parents, you and your dh established a culture in your family about how to celebrate a birthday and your sons, for the first time, stepped outside of what had been established and you aren’t comfortable with it and you’ve let them know. I really look forward to hearing how they respond and I hope you let us know but, of course, it is possible that one or both could say that they’d prefer to scale back on birthdays and just have a call, for example, be sufficient. You and dh would then have to decide how to respond back, whether that meant you also scaled back the way you celebrate their birthdays or some other option.</p>
<p>However, for them to just change the cultural norm without any discussion (and right after you had rather extravagantly acknowledged theirs) was disrespectful. As their mom, I agree that this was a teachable moment, even if it just prompts a good discussion about how everyone handles things in the future. Moms generally work hard to make their kids’ lives easier/happier and being thoughtful in how you treat your mom is very important! How this is done (and appreciated) in each family varies.</p>
<p>Quizzed D last night and she didn’t guess H’s birth MONTH, let alone birthday! I guess we have a ways to go. H was amused about it–she guessed May–it’s June. </p>
<p>Thanks Collage1…I appreciate your understanding and your post and I totally agree with what you say about if other’s think differently. I think you give my boys too much credit for thinking anything through…LOL! I think it was more of a “oh, sh_t…it’s Mom’s birthday and we forgot/procrastinated and oh well…she loves us and maybe we’ll get away with this”. It has nothing to do with them thinking through what they want to do with family dynamics and changing habits…that is just WAY too deep for them right now. Believe me on this one…they DON’T want to change the family dynamic of them receiving gifts from the bank of Mom and Dad. </p>
<p>A gift can be so many different interpretations. For me, it doesn’t have to be a store bought “thing”. They could have taken me to a movie…or even got a movie from Redbox and made me dinner…even just made me some brownies. I know the money they have or rather, don’t have. The thoughts or gifts (whatever term people want to use) are endless. Like everyone else has said, traditions in families are different…and in our family we just don’t say “Happy Birthday” and leave it at that. What they did was sheer laziness…nothing more, nothing less.</p>
<p>However, if the time comes when they are mature, working adults (especially with wives who have their OWN traditions), I will respect any changes that they would like to introduce…but it goes both ways. Meaning…if we just say “Happy Birthday” then we will all just say “Happy Birthday”…no more iphones or watches. </p>
<p>Is that just the standard for landmark birthdays or all birthdays? We got D a ring from Tiffany for her 18th but we’re not plying her with Tiffany jewelry year in and year out. </p>
<p>I do the gift thing for myself when I want it and I have the money to. I do ask my spouse if it is non-trivial (over $100 or more than a few “little” 20 or 40 buck things in a short time), and he asks me if he wants something non-trivial.</p>
<p>My DS is pending an iPhone, but there’s just not enough homework being done for it. He actually met a milestone to earn it, but <em>when</em> he gets it is a different story…</p>
<p>"There is a book called “the 5 love languages” which says different people have a different combination of things that makes them feel loved. The 5 languages are: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, physical touch.</p>
<p>When you can determine your and your spouses or child’s love language you can make them feel more satisfied and loved in your relationship. My order is words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, physical touch."</p>
<p>I know this sounds like hokey pop psychology, but I have read this book and I do think there is something to it as well. I definitely can see it in how my H and I approach one another. </p>
<p>For him, he wants quality time and physical touch - so he will get hurt when introvert-me just wants to be in my own head. And for him, he shows that he loves me by the acts of service – by filling the car up with gas, making the phone call to the insurance company, etc. – so if I get busy at work and fail to make the phone call to the insurance company, to him, it’s “deeper” than just a forgotten phone call. As for me, I like words of affirmation first. Luckily for both of us, gifts are the last one on the list! Honestly, we don’t even exchange birthday cards and gifts anymore, and haven’t for years. Part of it is because our birthdays are right on top of Xmas anywhere and the other part is - we just don’t need anything. We know we love each other, he doesn’t need to buy me a sweater to prove it. </p>
<p>But - I still think conmama was absolutely right in her email. It was important to her and that’s what counts.</p>
<p>The 5 love languages helped my marriage. It made me see that when DH vacuums the house without being asked, or surprises me by painting the bathroom while I’m out of town for the weekend, that’s his equivalent of writing a long mushy love letter. It really helps to look at it that way.</p>
<p>H is a dear, sweet man who always makes me breakfast and washes the dishes after every meal with never a word or complaint. He also does the yard work and repairs and maintains the house. All of these are signs of love that beat out a mushy love letter for me, any day! It’s a good thing that these signs are things he does joyfully and I accept gratefully. Similarly, I cook meals or make sure we have something palatable to eat, as well as make all travel arrangements. It is what I enjoy and is a way of showing love. We do spend a lot of quality time together and touch, but aren’t so much into mushy words or gifts. We are fine with celebrating at a convenient time at a nice restaurant or buying what we want when we want it and say, it’s a present from us to us. ;)</p>
<p>Shopping for D is fairly easy, since I know her tastes and she is low on money. Shopping for S is much tougher, since he has a lot of $$$ and buys at great prices whatever he wants. Figuring out what else to give him is also tougher because he’s 5000 miles away.</p>
<p>Is there something totally frivolous that he’s been thinking about buying? For us, that’s what we got H & me last year. H wanted to buy the latest and greatest new robotic vacuum cleaner but we couldn’t bring ourselves to splurge until we convinced ourselves it was our joint holiday gift.</p>
<p>How about a nice restaurant dinner out? Maybe check out yelp and find a new one that the two of you haven’t tried before? Tickets for a sporting event or theater?</p>
<p>Maybe, for some people, they don’t have all this going on with their spouse or kids…so when these same folks kind of skip over your special day, it triggers that, “yep, just what I thought…that person doesn’t really care.”</p>
<p>@jym626 I just bought my science guy husband a set of the Stephen Hawking books after we saw and REALLY enjoyed The Theory of Everything. What a great movie…</p>
<p>Thanks! Keep em coming!! We just got an autographed copy of Isaacson’s “The Innovators” (autographed to our s’s who work in silicon valley)/ DH was going to read it first, but its a big book to lug on a plane so I sent it with the big box o’gifts I shipped out in advance of our visit next week.</p>
<p>I haven’t had time to read the responses yet, but I’m guessing I’m in the minority on this. I’ve never been a big birthday person. I wouldn’t care AT ALL if I didn’t get a card or gift from my family, but I would at least appreciate DH, and both Ds calling me to wish me a happy birthday. </p>
<p>Both Ds called me this year, but I can’t even remember if they got me a gift. Since I don’t remember, it’s probably best that they not bother with a gift because clearly, it’s not something that resonates. I don’t know why I’m like this, but I just don’t see it as that big a deal, so I wouldn’t want others to feel an obligation to make it so. I also feel the same way about Valentine’s Day. Card is okay, but don’t need a big deal made out of it.</p>
<p>That said, if cards and gifts have been a tradition in OP’s family, I don’t see it as being childish to let the kids know she felt hurt.</p>
</p>