Do any of you have that one difficult child, or In my case a young adult, who makes you want to tear your hear out? My oldest has been obstinate since his teen years in defying us…mostly sneaky stuff rather than to our face. He’s always been respectful to us as far as no sarcasm, yelling, etc…but he lies. The teen years were horrible and trying, but somehow we felt we’ve made it through. We do acknowledge he still has more growing up to do, and he’s 22. Things have been so much better with him the last couple years and he on the right path finally. Internship, taking a summer class and then only one more semester until graduation. We get along with him now. But he still lies, and we catch him all the time…mostly stupid white lies.
We went out of town this past weekend. My DH absolutely hates people in the house when he’s not there and he doesn’t trust DS. We are out of town most weekends in the summer. DS goes with us half the time. He wanted to stay home and I said OK, but DH said nobody in the house. Maybe it’s irrational, but we all have our idiosyncrasies. I told them once, twice, very clearly.
So this week, I notice the spare bed is not made up how it always is. Momma Bear says “someone’s been sleeping in my bed”. I confront him and he owns up, doesn’t apologize, but starts arguing with me about it all. I just stopped and said, it’s our house, we make the rules and what you did was do disrespectful. I’m not arguing with you anymore. Guess what bud? You just screwed yourself over. You can’t stay here on the weekends now when we are not home. You can just come with us, stay in your apartment in your college town (nobody is there this summer and it’s lonely and depressing, he’s been communizing home), or find a friend’s house to stay at in town.
I just don’t understand this sneaky stuff. I wonder if he’s become a serial liar.
No idea why he did what he did but your house your rules. It also sounds like he has his own place to stay so there’s that. I think boys in particular have a hard time with making good decisions and impulse control at times.
I think we all have a child who is stronger willed than another. I know I do. But mine is growing up and appreciates us better, I hope the same for you.
Is he a serial liar or non-confrontational and impulsive?
It’s possible that he doesn’t want to battle you, but he wants what he wants and he doesn’t think through the consequences.
If I were you, and it upset me that much, I’d force him out of the house into his own place permanently (at 22). That way he’s not set up to ‘fail’. You have a right to your boundaries.
I’m not justifying his behavior, just suggesting other possibilities.
It’s extremely hurtful to be branded a ‘liar’ by your parents, especially if there’s something else going on. It could be that he will not appreciate how his behavior affects you until he is completely responsible for his own life and paying for/maintaining his own home.
Just a thought . . . hope I don’t sound un-empathetic!
Thanks Deb…it’s just so disappointing to not be able to trust him or what he says a lot of the time. It makes you wonder what you did wrong. Were we too authoritarian as he grew up, so he feels he has to lie. The other isn’t like that, so then we think it’s just who they are. I like to think he does these things despite his upbringing. But I still wonder sometimes if we spoiled him too much.
We don’t call him a liar to his face…just between ourselves when we are venting.
I honestly think he wants what he wants as you say. He thinks we are being ridiculous. As far as lying, it’s probably because he doesn’t want our disapproval and he is non confrontational.
It really is time for him to be on his own, but he has one semester to graduate and has no money. We aren’t kicking him out of the house id he graduates with no job, but we will have to figure something out. I think there’s legal ramifications for doing that anyway.
I think some young people – especially young men – have trouble with still being under their parents’ supervision and authority after they’ve reached physical maturity. For my son, this was an issue during the second part of high school, but it calmed down after he went away to college. Perhaps for your son, it’s kicking in later.
If it’s at all possible for him to live away from your family after graduation and be financially independent, that may solve the problem permanently.
Question for you to consider…how will you make him stay away from your house while you are away on the weekends? If he is lying about having people over, wouldn’t he also be able to lie about being in your home when you told him to stay away?
Again, hoping for the best for your family, but wanted to get you thinking about how to enforce your new boundaries.
I totally get your frustration and your house your rules. But is there a compromise position that would allow him to have a friend stay with him on those weekends you are away and he is home? Can you come up with a plan that would treat him more like an adult that is sharing your home, with the caveat that he must tell you ahead of time, stick to the plan and be truthful? Kind of a bit of a carrot approach and maybe a way to a better relationship with your young adult son. It may not work for your DH, but may be worth a try.
My concern would be that this would encourage him to lie even more and stay home when you are away, and just not tell you about it. Unless you take away his keys, how will you keep him from using the house while you are gone?
I think it’s time for him to move out. I will ask you to consider, are you concerned that he’s throwing wild parties or having a friend or two over to play X-Box? If you set the rules so tight, you force a choice. You have to be willing to say move out or he needs to voluntarily move out. I’m not condoning the lying but if you want to support him at home, you need to look at reasonable rules for a 22 year old.
Echoing what Sportsman said–yes, it’s your home. You get to make the rules. But if you make rules that are more suitable for a child than an adult, you’re more likely to achieve the result of him acting more like a child (not so much lying, but evasion which becomes lying).
I don’t mean kick him out and change the locks . . . more just moving him in the direction of the having the dignity of calling the shots in his own life (which means his own place).
Even if you don’t call him a liar directly, he probably feels your disappointment. And deep down he may be very disappointed in himself. Living with your parents at 22 has to be frustrating to a certain extent (though I know many more young adults are doing it. My oldest didn’t move out until 21 and I still miss him like crazy).
There’s always some truth in this, buts its also in the eye of the beholder.
I think we all were deceptive to our parents from time to time, and its always a question of degree and judgement. Kids take the view that as long as they’re not rowdy and stay under control, that they should have broad latitude in their actions.
I think you should take a tempered approach to this. Not condone or forgive it completely, but not go overboard in reacting. Don’t ask me for specifics on how to do that.
I guess I have an alternate opinion. I see now…this is a 22 year old who will graduate college in December.
What is the big deal if he has friends over when you are gone? It’s HIS home too. He is 22.
I would lay the ground rules for having guests…no underage drinking, not allowing friends to drink too much, etc.
But honestly, why wouldn’t he be able to have his friends come over to,his home while you are gone? I mean really…is he ransacking the house? Damaging personal belongings? Are things getting stolen? Are the neighbors complaining because of the noise or whatever?
Why would you ask a 22 year old who is not yet a college grad to get his own apartment? Sorry…I don’t get it.
I would teach him to be responsible, and give him some latitude to have friends visit when you are not there.
With all due respect…this IS his home. It’s where he lives. You know…he could have other responsibilities than laying the mortgage.
I just can’t imagine going away every weekend over the summer and either,expecting my 22 year old,to come along (we expected them to be working…and usually they worked on weekends) OR telling them that all summer they could not have friends over while we were away…every weekend.
I am thinking that it’s his home too, but there’s something weird about him leaving the guest room in such a way that you’d be sure to find out. Time for a family meeting to discuss?
The problem is that @conmama H has a problem with having people in the house while they aren’t home. Me, I have personally had things that I was ok with but my H was not. Usually it was up to me to convey and enforce those rules, even if I wasn’t 100% on board. But because it’s 50% my H’s home also, I have to abide by his wishes also.
My D’s ex was very non confrontational and while technically not lying (to himself at least). He told people what they wanted to hear instead of the truth. Or only part of the truth. And tried to hide things that weren’t important. I know why he did what he did, but it didn’t make anything easier. For him or for my D.
Again conmama, I think these things will get better. Once he graduates and has his own home and is self supporting, you won’t have to enforce house rules. Because he will have his own house and it will be less stressful for everyone.
