I personally would be angry if my costume jewelry was missing, or other things.
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Of course, anyone would be angry. But I guess this seems odd to some of us because does your son actually have friends who’d steal from his parents’ home??? Frankly, I’d be more concerned if my kids had friends who would steal. I wouldn’t want such people around my kids nor around my home…even if I were home during those visits!
Are you comfortable having your son’s friends who’d steal from you in your home while you are there??
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He has access to the house, who cares if it's on his person at all times or in the garage
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In the big picture, it doesn’t. It just sounded a little strange. It sounded as if they weren’t ever allowed to have a key to the home, but having a hidden key was okay. I immediately thought that the kids would likely just go have a copy made…why not?
There just seems to be some odd parts to this situation. If you can’t trust him, so you tell him to stay elsewhere on the weekends you’re out of town, why would he honor that request when he hasn’t honored your other requests?
I just wonder if the lies are just his way of coping with rules that are hard to live with.
@mom2collegekids raises the issue that is on my mind. OP, you stated your H is concerned because he doesn’t know your son’s friends. That’s easily resolved. Are you worried he’s hanging around with a bad crowd? What does the brother think? Those are root issue questions.
I guess I’m just to the point in my life where I’m starting to see people my age that I work with, drop dead. I’m listening to some people talking about their kids at work, and hearing nothing but negativity and disapproval. Bad feelings, bad relationships. I wonder if “the house rules” are a hill worth dying on. It’s one thing if there’s danger and safety involved, but if it’s, “Do what I say because I’m the adult and this is my house”, for an older kid, I don’t think it’s worth the loss of a relationship. I’m not saying that kids should be able to get away with bad behavior and take advantage of their parents, but that things can be talked about and worked out. The suggestion that one kick their kid out of the home because of a rules violation is crazy.
I am a straight forward person who hates to lie to people, but I continuous hid truth (lied) to my parents until I was well into adulthood (even now I do not share everything with my parents). They were very frugal, they thought it was very wasteful to go to vacations, buy new clothes, cars, go out to dinner, or just about anything that involved spending money. So instead of causing them any stress or arguments, I just never told them whenever I spent money. Not that I was doing anything wrong, but I just didn’t want to talk about it or thought it was their business.
Yes, it is OP’s house, but if OP is allowing her son to live with them, she shouldn’t treat him like a second class citizen. Why shouldn’t he be able to invite friends over to where he is living, as long as they are respectful of the place. When my kids were in high school, I didn’t let them have friends over when we weren’t home because they were minors. But we made every effort to be home when they wanted to have friends over. Once they were in college, they knew they had to let us know when they wanted to have people over, and they had to respectful of our house. Same rules for us too. We do not impose any rules on our kids that we wouldn’t on ourselves.
I think it is strange not to give your kid house key when he/she is living with you. I am not aware of too many 22 year olds going away with their parents on weekends.
It really saddens me that you, your H and S can’t figure this out in a positive way, as well as figure out why he needs to lie to you guys. Our relationship with our kids isn’t perfect but we cherish it and nurture it.
My parents had neighbors who disowned most of their kids at various points in their lives for marrying someone of the “wrong” (different) race. It saddened our family and was not anything we could ever understand.
I do have a relative who has challenges with one of his kids and they don’t want him in the house unsupervised because of things he may steal for drug money. It’s very sad and difficult. The S is finally getting help. It has been a tough time for all.
I know you are very caring parents from your many thoughtful posts. I’m hoping you will find a way forward–maybe counseling could help?
I quoted the part of the statement that was salient-living as an infirm senior in your children’s home and visiting them on vacation are two entirely different things.
So what I said was, I will never live in my children’s home as an elderly person who needs care.
If my kids invite me to stay over at their houses someday for a few nights, sure! That would rock! But the two statements have NOTHING to do with each other, and I’m amused that you think you can pin me in a corner by trying to admit to one and then saying it goes with the other. It doesn’t.
The reason I posted on this thread in the first place isn’t because @conmama 's house rules are wrong-it’s because she’s UNHAPPY and I’d like to try to help her be happy, because everyone deserves happiness.
People have different ways of living and establishing house rules. I shared what works for me, and what doesn’t work for me. You can argue all you want with me about it, but I’m happy with how my life works. When something stops working, I am not stuck in this dogmatic rut of “this is the way it’s supposed to be”. I look for a solution and then I make it happen, even if it’s painful to do it. I firmly believe you should not let family make you unhappy because you are related to them, or let them walk all over you and not respect you because you share closer genetics than your friend or neighbor.
I’m sure her kid is a good person, but that’s completely not the issue here. The issue here is that she’s not happy, and she’s sacrificing her own happiness to make her kid happy (ie he’s “lonely” at his own place). I think that he needs to learn to make himself happy and create a social world at his own apartment, and that’s going to involve some misery on his part at some point. I think he needs to be made aware of it, and that he’s making his parents unhappy by his behavior.
Lying troubles me as a parent. One adult child does it at times but seems to be better about this - we confront and talk about when we know a lie has been told. We put a high value on trust.
Building up trust. Confronting when the trust is broken.
A lot can happen to a home/in a home when parents are OOT.
Also examining if the small lies have some underlying psychological benefit to the child, may not even realize it - conscious, unconscious, behavior pattern, power, something…
Our adult children have home keys, but one out of college does make arrangements with us when coming home. The other has a 12 mo apt at school but job this summer at home.
If you believe situation needs some intervention, maybe some family counseling or individual counseling can help.
If my kids invite me to stay over at their houses someday for a few nights, sure! That would rock! But the two statements have NOTHING to do with each other, and I’m amused that you think you can pin me in a corner by trying to admit to one and then saying it goes with the other. It doesn’t.
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You completely missed my point. My point was that if we are unreasonably strict about rules because “I pay the mortgage” then you could face a “pay back” in the future when you spend some nights at your child’s home because you don’t pay that mortgage. the fact that you will never need elderly care from your children isn’t relevant, at all.
^ I don’t see a big problem with that. If I need to forego meat because my kids are vegetarian or give up booze for the week because one of them is married a reformed alcoholic or turn off the TV at eight because their kids don’t sleep well with noise, then so be it if I’m a guest in their home.
If by “payback” you mean I should respect the rules of their house, like not wearing shoes in the house, then I absolutely would do so. It’s their house-it’s their rules. I don’t understand why people struggle with this.
I think the OP was just venting and realizing it is time for her son to leave home and be a full time, live in another town adult. I assume the family owns a cabin or goes camping or something if they are doing it every other weekend. The kids probably went all the time, but now are growing up and don’t want to go.
Different families have different rules for guests, eating food from the kitchen, parking cars in the driveway. I remember going back to the family I had lived with and nannied for to ‘babysit’ while the parents went out of town. The kids were much older, high school aged. The mother was explaining ‘the problems with A’ and the younger son said ‘Yes, he’s really bad. Sometimes he takes a soda without even asking!’ and I just laughed and said to the mother ‘If that’s the worst thing he does, I think you’ve raised a pretty good kid.’ Despite his theft of sodas, he did graduate from Yale and Georgetown law but that doesn’t mean he had the right to break his parents’ rule about asking before taking a soda, even if he was 16 and even if everyone else in the whole world gets to take a soda without asking…
I don’t think the OP is unreasonable in saying “You can 1) come with us, 2) you can go to your own apartment, or 3) you can stay home but no one is allowed over.” Son couldn’t live by those rules so now the choices are #1 and #2.
OP said that “we’ve never let them have keys” (paraphrasing) so it’s not an issue with just this son, just seems to be their style. I don’t like it because it would feel to me as if I wasn’t a real house/family member if I couldn’t have a key.
But my FIL was like that with keys sometimes only he would never leave a spare around and even MIL would get locked out. He thought it was fine to let everyone else use garage door openers while he held “the key”. How nice to go for a bike ride with a garage door opener clipped to your belt! Of course I made many copies of that blasted key.
I like my D’s having keys and a few friends too. I can call them if I’m away and ask them to check on something. Or, I can come home and find D1 cooking while she does laundry. That’s nice! She’s 24 now. Hopefully OP’s son will be in a better place with all this when he’s a little bit older. I agree that it sounds like a restriction that you would more likely put on a teenager. Maybe he’s a late bloomer in the rebellion department?
Yes, our neighbor has a key to our house, thankfully and has given it to us many times when we and our “kids” have managed to lock ourselves out our home!
I’m sure the OP will figure this out and hopefully work with this S to improve their relationship.
So you are paying for the apartment at college which is now empty and your son is commuting to his internship in his college town (since you said his class is online)? Why couldn’t he stay at his apartment and have friends visiting there?
Is it because he wants to spend time with you and his brother? Because he would have to get his own meals?
You are providing alot, paying for the apartment, giving him a car to use and paying for gas to commute, paying for the online summer class so he can graduate in December, is the internship unpaid?
What will happen when he graduates and moves to a new town for a job, where he doesn’t know anyone?