Our grown up kids who don’t live here have keys to our house. If I didn’t trust my kid enough to give him a key to the house he was living in…I would not let him live there.
I don’t understand this.
And for the jewelry that is that valuable. I have three words: safety deposit box.
I would work towards compromise, even if it meant keeping some valuables in a couple of rooms that are locked, off-limits while away.
I would certainly allow an 18+ year old child to have a friend or a couple of friends over when we’re not home. If I was concerned about valuables going missing, I’d lock those up.
My kids don’t have friends who’d steal, so maybe Im more laid back.
I do think that some “parent-rules” cause kids to lie. I prefer not having rules that cause my older kids to lie. Maybe I’m too lenient (my kids don’t think so…lol), or too “out of it,” but I’ve never caught my kids in a lie.
I’m a little surprised by the “no keys” rule. My kids will always have keys to my home (and all my properties)…and I always had keys to my parents’ home.
As for the “he doesnt’ pay the mortgage…”…
While in a sense I agree with “your house, your rules,” keep in mind that at some point, you may be staying in your child’s home for a vacation or visit or elderly care… Would you want some sort of “pay back” of some crazy rule being pushed on you because you don’t pay their mortgage?
I have read enough of the OP’s posts to see how much she loves her kids and know how proud of them she is. But some kids make it difficult to “like” them 100% of the time no matter how much you love them. (The same can be said for some parents.)
From what I remember, there’s a bit of history with this particular son, correct? H seems to be more rigid on rules, and although mom may not always agree, my guess (and I could be wrong) is that if they didn’t put on a united front, S might try to take advantage of it with a divide and conquer approach.
No judgment here, but here are the facts as I see them. He’s 22, has an apartment where he could live, but chooses to let it sit empty because he’d be lonely. He obviously doesn’t like to be alone whether at the apartment or at his parents’ home, so letting him stay home and not allowing anyone over when the parents are gone (which the OP says is often) is probably setting him up to fail.
If he has to be lonely one place or the other, it’s probably best he stays at the apartment whenever the parents go away alone. The bad feelings and drama from failing to follow H’s rules aren’t worth it. It sounds like he’s usually invited along, goes 50% of the time, and he chooses to live with them vs. alone, so it’s not like they dislike being with each other. If he chooses not to go, he’s choosing to be alone.
Maybe the OP should set up an account on Tinder for him and find him a girlfriend. 
Read this article recently about a son who gave his mother control of his Tinder account. Pretty funny.
As a working mom with a working spouse, our kids had friends over when we were not home. Nothing wild, but also not the neatest bunch so maybe i was more used to having kids I didn’t know in the house. These kids are over 21, so having a drink is not illegal.
while not wanting to pile on here, I would suggest you take a look at your relationship with your son and your husband’s relationship with him. If he has really taken many steps forward, and only a few back, I would focus on that. Honestly, I think many young adults would think of their childhood home as their home and would want to welcome their friends over. He probably thinks the rule is silly, has probably had kids over at other times, and clearly kept the house neat enough that the only thing you noticed was an improperly made bed.
@conmama --what I meant is that by conflating yours and your son’s method of dealing with your H’s apparent authoritarianism,I wasn’t meaning to suggest anything negative about you for avoiding conflict with your H, but instead to suggest that like you, your S might be doing so for reasonable reasons. Sorry that wasn’t clear.
Another perspective on “He’s 22.” If my kid had a local apartment he might choose to spend the summer living at my house too. Free food. Free laundry. Free satellite TV. All this means more money for fun. Why spend money on the light bill when you can spend it on beer instead?
I’d be worried about a 22 year old who can’t spend a weekend alone. This kid isn’t a 7 year old who’s going to have nightmares if someone isn’t sleeping in the guest room, he’s an adult who should be able to either abide by the house rules (reasonable or not) or spend the weekend elsewhere.
My kids often have friends over when we’re not here, and unlike the OP we’ve allowed them to sleep over on weekends, but there’s a principle here. If the OP’s son can’t make a strong enough case for a change in the rules why should the OP and husband change them, and if he’s lying to them what is their incentive to trust him?
@1dreamer - that was great, thanks for sharing!!
His brother is home, he has company. Plus, he can go out with his friends and come home to sleep. He doesn’t have to stay home.
I personally would be angry if my costume jewelry was missing, or other things.
He has access to the house, who cares if it’s on his person at all times or in the garage.
conmama, has anything ever been missing? Is the improperly made bed the only evidence you ever found?
Yeah, that’s why I work super hard every day, so I can hide my jewelry and lock the bedroom door in my own house to deal with an adult kid’s unknown (to me) friends being there. No thank you.
I think that so many people thinking this is “bizarre” is a direct result of the 32% of adult children now living at home in american households-a 130 year high. However, both my husband and I were independent adults before we were 21, and self-sufficiency, independence, honor, and personal responsibility are big deals in our house.
Barring a child with mental illness or physical disability, I would consider myself a bad parent by my own personal metric if I did not insist that they move out and let the scariness of the big bad lonely stupid heartless world out there temper them on their path to adulthood.
It makes success all that sweeter, in my opinion.
Over my dead body. We’d never, ever do that to our kids, and have planned carefully to avoid it.
Why would any of your son’s friends want to steal anything from you or your house?
I find that reason for not letting him having his friends over, who are also adults, very bizarre.
Kicking them out while they are still in college, is understandable if they are a threat to the household (ie abusing drugs or violent), not so kind if they are good kids. Do you suspect your child or his friend of stealing from the home already, is this a reasonable fear? If this is a sincere possibility, your valuable items should be kept secure at all times, not just when you are gone. You could be in the kitchen, and someone could steal your stuff right while you’re at home.
FWIW, one of our kids seemed to often lie to us, or at least mislead us, if it meant avoiding confrontation or even just disappointing us. Just one did that and it baffled us. Fortunately, that behavior finally ended around 24 - 25. With that child we needed to have a lot of discussions about trust, unconditional love, etc.
I get the concern about stuff possibly going missing. At least in my case, it’s not so much that I wouldn’t trust my kid’s friends, but what about friends-of-friends(-of-friends) who might tag along for a movie night, game marathon, etc.? It can be hard for the host kid to say no. We have keypad locks on our bedroom closets and several other closets. Most of the time, we don’t bother to close those doors all the way to engage the locks. When we go out of town or have strangers in the house, we close them. Dh did the same with a liquor closet after a cleaning woman drank up some expensive liquor.
Our kids lived together in a house we owned (in another city) during college. We had some serious conversations about guests and parties, stressing the need for everyone’s safety and for avoiding legal trouble. I told them that if ever their friends over indulged, they were to take away the car keys and insist they sleep over. I wouldn’t be too happy about it, but it sure beat one of their friends (or friends-of-friends) driving under the influence. The neighbors were given my cell phone number with a request to call if ever they were bothered by anything at the house. I talked with the neighbors from time to time when we visited and was always told that there was never any problem. The few times friends stayed over, they helped clean up the next day. If the kids had lived at home, we would have had similar rules.
{{{{{ }}}}s to you @conmama. How long has this trust issue been going on and has it deteriorated? Are these his HS/Neighborhood friends, if so, are you or DH not close to any of these kids parents to share your concern?
Does your other son have keys to the home and untrustworthy kid does not? Could this b one of the reason why kid is rebelling?
What response has your son given why he lies so often and have both you and your Husband address his reasoning?
@conmama - I have that one child that causes me stress. She can be amazing or extremely difficult. Never quite sure which child I’m going to get on any particular day, or whether the difficult behavior is manipulative or related to her depression or ADHD. I’m sorry you’re going through this with your S.
Is your H your S’s father or stepfather? I wonder because it sounds like a power play between your H and S. Overly strict rules imposed by your H and your S’s deception in response, with you caught in the middle.
I find the key in the garage thing weird. Are you sure that your S hasn’t come home with a friend who has seen where the key is hidden? If so, what’s to stop one of them from using it when he knows your S is away for the weekend with you?
I think it’s so interesting that people have such a strong reaction to a family’s rule (no friends over when parents aren’t home). Personally, I agree that it’s not the norm and we don’t have that rule in our house but, as I mentioned above, I’m assuming the ‘kids’ grew up with this rule and it’s the way it’s always been. We probably all have one or two ‘not the norm’ things we each do with our family and this just happens to be conmama’s.
And there’s a delicate balance of whether or not a home is still an adult kid’s home. Sure, on the one hand, of course it’s still their home. However, I do believe parents get to make decisions about house rules and kids, whether small, adolescents or adults, need to abide by them. Can they request a compromise or try to have the rule revoked? Sure. But if the parents say no, the kids, regardless of age, need to abide by them or, as adults, live elsewhere. In this case, the OP is in a tough position because her H feels so strongly about this particular issue.
Again, conmama, sorry you’re going through this.
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keep in mind that at some point, you may be staying in your child’s home for elderly care…
.@MotherOfDragons
Over my dead body. We’d never, ever do that to our kids, and have planned carefully to avoid it.
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You cut out important parts of that sentence (not fair when you’re supposedly quoting)… Are you saying that you’ll never spend a night or two at one of your kids’ homes?
(BTW…the actual sentence was: While in a sense I agree with “your house, your rules,” keep in mind that at some point, you may be staying in your child’s home for a vacation or visit or elderly care… Would you want some sort of “pay back” of some crazy rule being pushed on you because you don’t pay their mortgage?)
“However, I do believe parents get to make decisions about house rules and kids, whether small, adolescents or adults, need to abide by them. Can they request a compromise or try to have the rule revoked? Sure. But if the parents say no, the kids, regardless of age, need to abide by them or, as adults, live elsewhere. In this case, the OP is in a tough position because her H feels so strongly about this particular issue”
I agree with this. People do have strong reactions, and certainly it’s because people are thinking about their own personal situations and relating it to that. Which of course, is impossible, since we don’t know the complete background, so honestly, I don’t know how much help anyone can be.
However, I think there are some extreme reactions to this. Kick him out of the home while he’s still in college? Make him move back to somewhere he’s very lonely at? Certainly there could be a more reasonable resolution that doesn’t involve an all out war, or something causing hard feelings for a lifetime. In particular, I am sensitive to this, as I have seen how parents might think something is not a huge deal, yet have had lifetime consequences.