<p>I thought it was an interesting article. Do any of you parents know anyone in a similar situation? Or what are your general ideas about this?</p>
<p>While I can’t personally picture myself doing this, my college roommate’s parents are currently in this situation. They have been legally separated for 10 years and yet they still live together. They are quite obviously not in love but they are good friends. Neither of them can afford to live on their own in this Michigan economy, so they just live as roommates who technically are married. The only complication will be if one of them wants to remarry, but since her dad is single and her mom is in a long-term relationship with a woman (and unfortunately marriage equality hasn’t been achieved yet in Michigan), they’re not getting married anytime soon. </p>
<p>I have a family member whose marriage went sour. She and her husband had a nice home on a beautiful river lot. Neither of them were willing to give up the house.<br>
They didn’t even like each other but neither would leave. So he moved all his belongings upstairs, coming and going as he pleased. She lived downstairs and retired to her bedroom before he came in, usually late at night. They lived this way until the husband died.</p>
<p>My parents still consider themselves together and that’s how they live. Our house is really more like an apartment building. We each live in our separate rooms. I even have a fridge and a toaster oven in my room. My mom is the only one that lives on the ground floor.</p>
<p>I find all of the above scenarios very sad. The last thing I would want on my tombstone would be “Here lays GA2012 mom, she was unhappy as hell, but dammit she didn’t let go of the house.”</p>
<p>Interesting choices. Amazing how people can live in the same space and manage to avoid each other so successfully. Seems so peculiar. Do they talk to each other? Bring in and divide up the mail? Cook? Share food? Entertain guests? Hard to fathom…</p>
<p>I think this largely explains why the divorce rate is higher today than, say, 60 years ago. It’s not that people were happier then, or more determined to work through their problems. It’s because back then, they couldn’t afford to live separately. Over the years more people (especially women) became able to support themselves and therefore were less motivated to stay in an unhappy marriage. But even now, some people feel tremendous, prohibitive financial pain when separating, so it’s easier to stay together, just like the people in this article. What do you think?</p>
<p>Mantori…I think it’s different for couples who stay together who may not be that happy together, than the situations being described in the article. Those situations in the article appear that the couple really isn’t together except under the roof and are also in relationships with others. They are not connected on any level, it seems. </p>
<p>I know of an odd situation like this and I truly cannot fathom it. My husband’s brother is divorced and lives alone. For a number of years, he has been in a relationship with a woman who is still married and lives with her husband and this is very open (her husband knows about it) and in fact, my brother-in-law and this woman go away together, visit my in-laws, etc., all openly. After all these years of their relationship I cannot fathom why she doesn’t get divorced (except for money reasons I suppose) and why my brother-in-law would want to be with someone who cannot commit fully to him and still goes home most nights to her home with her husband (who she may be only married to in name only, i have no clue). Perhaps he is content in that he may feel he has the best of both worlds, a life on his own but a woman for a relationship. But I find it all very odd. It is not the same as a regular “affair” in that this woman’s husband is very aware that his wife is in a long term relationship with my brother-in-law. I’ll leave it at that, but actually my sister-in-law (husband’s sister) is also in a very unusual relationship situation!</p>
<p>My folks know of at least one couple who is “married” but hubby has a public GF which he also has a family with. He is seen at social events with one or the other of his women and there has never been a divorce (his wife has $$ & he has celebrity). It seems to work for them, tho it does upset the sensibilities of my mom & some of her friends. We know of some other couples who have “separate lives,” sometimes live in different houses or even states. I guess, to each his/her own, as long as the couple doesn’t hurt others, why not?</p>
<p>We are not hardwired to be monogamous for our lifetime- according to these researchers</p>
<p>I think the undivorce sounds great for those people- I was separated from H for a while & I think a undivorce would have worked much better logistically & emotionally</p>
<p>Considering the plunge real estate has taken in the last several years, many people are not able (or willing) to sell the family home, or ‘buy out’ their spouse. Often the thought is to be roommates until they can get a healthier price on the house (or at lease not have to go to closing and write a check because they were ‘upside down’ in their loan).</p>
<p>So now we are just going to go with what we are hardwired to do? Yikes. In otherwords, I’m not buying what these authors are selling. I’ve learned to be skeptical of Evolutionary Psychology and, in part, it’s because of this relentless drive to justify sexual behavior via our earliest ancestors. Although I have not read this particular book.</p>
<p>As the mother of a child whose sexuality is often cast as not being natural or normal, I am very wary of the ways people justify their sexuality and their sexual actions. Be monogamous. Be non-monogamous. Don’t ever have sex. Have it everyday. I care far, far less about what a person believes they are hard wired to do and far more them taking responsibility for their actions. </p>
<p>Instead of pointing to books and the latest studies, I wish more adults would sit down, talk about what they want and honor the agreements made. Don’t care what the agreement is so long as it’s between consenting adults.</p>
<p>As for undivorce, I can absolutely see it from a health insurance perspective. I have chronic health issues that would make getting insurance tough. I don’t know that either one of us would want to legally remarry (we’re happily married now!), so why get a legal divorce?</p>
<p>Yes, it’s complicated but if it works, why not?</p>
<p>I love it when we get into the “hard-wired” discussion. Isn’t overcoming hard-wiring what separates us from the animals? I think there are still pockets of humans who live by their hard-wiring. Just as soon as they manage to harness electricity and fire up their internet connections, I’m sure they can enlighten us.</p>
<p>No? We aren’t separated from the animals in any particular way other than that we can take advantage of natural resources more extensively. Beyond that, we are very much animals. (imho) there aren’t just pockets of humans who live by their hard-wiring - it’s all humans.</p>
<p>I personally feel hardwired to be with my kids as they are growing up. Which is why I thought divorce sucked, with the current 50/50 placement modality. There are good reasons I’m divorced, but would have put up with a rather crazy seeming situation for the sake of maintaining a family home, a better economic situation, and daily access to my kids, IF a harmonious agreement could have been worked out. I do think it is possible to recover from our idealization of romantic love, and be adults about the limitations of marriages and some people’s capacity to maintain a marriage over the long haul. My impression is that they’ve been doing this in France for a long time, and our insistence on divorce in the case of a marriage being over emotionally is not always the case there. </p>
<p>A friend of mine did just that. Agreed that the marriage in terms of a romantic relationship was over, they were free to date other people, but kept the family home intact, and both lived there. It was a big enough house that there was plenty of separate space for both, and it took a good deal of tolerance on both parts, but it worked till the kids were in college. It saved them a pile of money, the kids had 2 parents at home though their teen years, and they were able to maintain a friendship and the good parenting partnership that they’d had all along. After the kids left, they did divorce, but were proud that they’d stayed together for the child rearing years.</p>
<p>When I was a teenager, with my parents living the way they do, I WANTED them to get divorced. Knowing that my parents were married and stuck in a house with someone they didn’t want to be with anymore was very upsetting, and their stress carried on over to us. They get along and all now but live almost completely separate lives. It’s kind of strange being the kid in that sort of a living situation, even now as an adult living in the house.</p>
<p>Although they do seem to have warmed up to each other a bit more since I left for school. My dad went on the family vacation with my mom and my sister this year for the first time in over five years. Normally we all go and he stays home.</p>
<p>Medical insurance & pensions are a very important issue to consider, especially as we get older and more & more difficult to insure. Remarriage (even after the death of a spouse) would cut off both types of benefits in many instances). It is complicated and there are many good reasons to be as civil with spouses and exes as possible, especially when one lives on an island or in a small state. What goes around can come around, especially when there are kids involved (even after kids get older).</p>