<p>This is about S, who’s turning 15 in a week. I always thought we’d had “the talk” several times as he grew up and he knew our position was zero tolerance on alcohol, but I discovered this weekend (because I picked him from a friend’s house and he was drunk) that he’s been drinking since the summer. With friends, maybe a beer or two, never as much as Saturday night, but drinking.</p>
<p>I am sick and worried and mad at the parents who let him drink in their home (dad was out; mom was “asleep” all evening which makes me think she’s drinking too). I called the mom when I picked S up; no answer at 10:15 pm, which makes me think she either turned her phone off or didn’t want to talk to anyone.</p>
<p>I told the dad – he was surprised, ****ed, concerned, but aware of the whole teen drinking issue. He asked about my son, said he would talk to his kids and tell them no more guests at his house for 3-4 weeks. He realizes they (he and wifey) could get in big trouble if the police realize there was underage drinking at their house.</p>
<p>Wife called. Not only no concern for my son, but total denial. “My S wasn’t drinking. I checked on them.” Bulls***. I didn’t call her on her lies, but here’s my question:
At this point, I feel like my eyes are open to what’s going on. I was always worried that my son might drink; now I know what I’m dealing with. My approach from here in is strict monitoring of S’s behavior, whereabouts, and friends; no late nights and no sleepovers; check his eyes/breath/gait when he comes home; serious repercussions for any infractions. I feel like this is my new reality and it’s something I have to be very on top of.</p>
<p>But what do you do when there’s parents in denial? Who think their kids are just having fun and you’re the uptight mother? And where the “host” parents are probably going to throw my kid under the bus and say it was all his idea and he was drinking alone?</p>
<p>Appreciate any advice/feedback on how to deal with this situation.</p>
<p>I fought this battle all through high school and at 15, there were many times when I called parents to make sure they were home and no drinking was allowed. I didn’t allow son to go to homes where it was known that the parents looked the other way. I loosened up by the time he was a senior because I could trust him but he had to earn that trust. I also didn’t allow him to sleep over other people’s houses because that is a prime time for drinking.</p>
<p>Up until ds1’s senior year, we called or e-mailed parents before he went to a party. We asked if there would be supervision and whether they would allow drinking/drugs. If the answer was yes and no, then fine. If it was yes and yes, he’d stay home. Once he hit senior year, I didn’t call anymore, but I’m pretty aware of which parents want to be the “cool” parents and which don’t and, therefore, when to say OK and when not to to gong out. As I told him once, when he was debating going to a party where he knew parents would be absent and alcohol would be present, “This is why God gave 17yo boys parents – to save you from yourselves.” Truthfully, though, ds1 is not a risk-taker and didn’t often want to put himself into a situation where he knew he could get in trouble. </p>
<p>The summer after senior year, I know he did a sleepover with a few guys where the parents were home and there would be some drinking. He called the next morning early, saying he was the only one awake and he didn’t know what to do/how to leave, so I know he was responsible in not getting plastered and being hungover. He and I had many a discussion over the years that an occasional drink when you’re 18 is not something I’m going to flip out about, as long as no driving is involved. That’s a non-negotiable.</p>
<p>To address your specific situation – I wouldn’t let my kid go back over there. Either there is flat-out no oversight or the parents allow drinking and then deny it in an attempt to avoid liability. Either way, they show poor judgment, IMO. I know others will say that they would rather their kids drink at home, etc. Fine, that’s your kid and your decision. You don’t get to make that decision for my kid just because yours wants a drinking buddy. And I’d have the discussion again with your ds, framing it just as you have – when you talked to the parents they were more than willing to throw you under the bus. And when the cops come because of a big party down the road, that’s what will happen, too.</p>
<p>Good luck. This is always a tricky one, but I never mind being hard core in these situations.</p>
<p>Wow, mostly my kiddos were too sick to want to do anything that might make them sicker in HS. I guess we dodged this one. I knew the parents fairly well of the few people D wanted to have sleepovers with. It is worrying when your kiddo is picked up drunk at 15. </p>
<p>Sorry, don’t have advice. My kiddos have always been told & believe that alcohol kills brain cells and want to hang on to what they have. S will have a beer or bit of wine on occasion (up to a single glass. D prefers blended virgin drinks. Neither drinks much, partly because we all fear it will aggrevate their pre-existing medical issues and partly because neither has acquired any taste for it (H & I only have the very rare glass ourselves).</p>
<p>Thanks to both of you wise moms – I’ve been checking the site since I posted, and you have both helped me with your experiences. I feel like I’m on the right track now (no sleepovers; make sure there’s supervision at parties and no booze or drugs). I just have to figure out how to know if he’s lying to me or not…I guess if he says he’s at “Sammy’s” I will call/text Sammy’s mom until someone picks up.</p>
<p>Wow, do you have the phone numbers of his friends’ parents? I have the phone numbers of very few of my kiddos’ friends’ parents. It might be nice to start to get to know some of them. I have had dinner with the parents of one of D’s closer friends. It was nice to get to know them a bit better. Over dinner, you can discuss common issues and concerns and get a better sense of these families your kid is spending time with.</p>
<p>I wish I knew what I wanted to write. I can see why you are worried. Is your son athletic? I ask because I have found that being athletic keeps me from needing to drink.</p>
<p>^ We live in a very small town; everyone goes to the same school, and yes, I know all my son’s friends (including the ones with the “party” house). Since everyone has kids in the school, the school directory lists cell phones, home phones, and email addresses, so I can pretty much contact anyone I need to. I have had dinner with parents and socialized with many of them and see many of them, but until something like this happens, you can think you’re on the same page (caring, involved, protective) then realize they’re not. The problem is if you bring up the topic, everyone with a brain will give lip service to “oh I don’t allow underage drinking in my house” but the reality can be quite different. I think my best bet is to identify the people I know whose values match mine, and also to keep an ear out for which parents allow it and which don’t.</p>
<p>Pea – so funny you said that – my son is quite the jock and for a long time, he told me, “Mom - I don’t drink. I do football (or baseball or basketball).” Now I realize he was just saying that, which breaks my heart (the lying). </p>
<p>He’s doing winter track right now, which he says is a joke (just wait 'til he starts competing – it’s no joke to come in first). His true love is baseball (beside me, of course). He says he won’t drink during baseball. I think I’m going to tell him if he drinks now, there will be no baseball.</p>
<p>Good about the athletics, encourage that to continue. I was talking to one of my classmates at my 10 year reunion who had gotten off track in high school and he felt the point at which he got off track was when he quit the golf team.</p>
<p>I would be wary of your S getting a driver’s license when he turns 16, if that is the legal driving age in your state. You may even want to withhold his DL, pending a designated period of time, and yanking the car keys if any violations of this rule ever occurs after he gets his DL.</p>
<p>He thinks it’s cool; he has friends with older brothers and I’m sure they encourage it. And in our town, it’s what the kids do, sad to say. They glom onto the house with no supervision and hang out in the basement, drinking.</p>
<p>JShain – my thoughts exactly. And he can’t wait to drive. Well guess what (I’ll tell him) – you lost that right when you started drinking. I can’t risk him getting in an accident and hurting himself and someone else.</p>
<p>Once kids reach this age you will find that parents who you thought were on the same page really are not. Many people are fine with underage drinking, for reasons I’ve never understood…especially with hs students. Some parents are certain their kids would never drink. It was very difficult issue for us as parents (small school, we knew everyone) but we stuck to our guns. Try to find some like-minded parents that you trust for support.</p>
<p>We were lucky with this too, our son is straight edge so we have never known him to drink or do drugs. He is 22 and in his senior year. Despite that, we monitored because at that age, you never know what a new day will bring. In his senior year, he wanted to have a small New Years party, which we allowed. We asked for an advance guest list with phone numbers where parents could be reached, not the kids cell number. All I could imagine was a sick drunk kid vomiting, me calling the number and hearing their pocket ring. At any rate, we called the parents of the kids before the party and verified with them that we would be home and that no alcohol was allowed and that if any were found, all the parents would be called and asked to pick up their kids. I have to admit to mild apprehension prior to making the calls. I also knew of many parents just allowing it. The parents were all very happy to get our call and said they felt much better about the party. The only thing that surprised me in light of their response, was the question of why none of them called here first. I guess the culture has just gotten out of synch with that type of parenting. </p>
<p>One other heads up, for people that are unaware of this trick, sometimes kids come to the house in advance of the party and hide the alcohol outside in shrubs, woods, whatever. That way when they show up, they can take their coats off and everything looks normal. Later, they slip outside.</p>
<p>Thanks icebat – I’ve heard of that trick – put the stash in the bushes. They also hide vodka in Poland Spring water bottles. You’ve got to wonder when your child who only drinks ginger ale and coke in front of you is suddenly guzzling “water”.</p>
<p>This is so difficult when it starts this early…like many of the posters earlier, we have “reached” senior year with lots of rules; none of which were negotiable…</p>
<p>.my “slacking off” this year allows one sleepover a weekend with home arrival by 9:30 am; so far, so good…I can’t tell you she’s not drinking, but I do know that she hasn’t come home hungover…and hasn’t slept out more than a couple of times…</p>
<p>On a good note, though, lines of communication are totally open; she has come home and told us that her friends sometime act like “idiots” and that they have “no control”…at least she can evaluate and know the difference.</p>
<p>Feel for you. Good news is now you know. It IS an issue but not yet a problem. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. It can be alarming when you find parents you’ve known a long time have very different parenting styles/values. My kids have friends who slipped up their freshman or sophomore years and did things and got caught and decided walking a more narrow path was more comfortable. What I would be concerned with is if the predominant culture at the HS is drinking. I cannot add anything except it sounds like you are very aware! Congrats on that! Good luck and keep us posted!</p>
<p>As a parent, I think it is also important to set a good example. My wife and I have a rule if we are out with our kids for a meal. Whoever is driving doesn’t have an alcoholic drink–not even one. That way are playing by the rules, re. drinking and driving, as well…</p>
<p>Class, I believe strict rules are called for with drinking at such a young age. But, I fear I’m not as lucky as the rest of you. My 20 y.o asked if he could have a glass of wine at Thanksgiving. “OK.” But he did have more than one glass and his tolerance indicated to me that he has had plenty before. I’m pretty sure he did not drink until college. He had lots of older friends who are 21 and older during Freshman year (now a Sophmore). My discussions now center around good judgement and no drinking and driving.</p>
so I know he was responsible in not getting plastered and being hungover. He and I had many a discussion over the years that an occasional drink when you’re 18 is not something I’m going to flip out about, as long as no driving is involved. That’s a non-negotiable.</p>