<p>My 18 y/o not-so-DD pulled a horrid show of ingratitude at Christmas. For the last couple of years, I would get Christmas ideas from her by plunking a bunch of clothing catalogues in front of her and having her put tags on things she would like. After she did that this year, and after I ordered some items, she discovered this expensive baseball jacket on E-Bay with logos all over it of her favorite K-pop group. She then declared that’s all she wanted for Christmas. We were of two minds about getting the jacket, and it wouldn’t arrive until well after Christmas (we told her it wouldn’t arrive before Christmas), so we thought she should have a couple of presents to open on Christmas Day. When she did open her presents, she yelled very nastily, “I thought I told you I didn’t want anything” and then stormed off.
I became upset then and I’m still steaming now. How do you deal with something like that?</p>
<p>Return the Christmas gifts she didn’t want, and cancel the order for the jacket.</p>
<p>Then let it go. That’s the hard part . . . and I’ve no doubt it ruined your Christmas, but let it go. You’ve had wonderful holidays with her before, and you’ll have them again in the future. Just take a breath . . . and let this one go.</p>
<p>I’m sorry that was her response. Is she in college or HS? Not to excuse the behavior, but is something else going on? I would cancel the jacket and return the presents.</p>
<p>I agree with the above - return the items she rejected and cancel the order or if it’s not able to be canceled, donate it. If you give it to her she wins this entitlement she thinks she has.</p>
<p>In the future, don’t ask for her input on presents - just get her what you feel like getting her and if she’s ungrateful and disrespectful like this return or donate those gifts as well. Getting a gift is not the same thing as placing an order at a store.</p>
<p>Once you both calm down you both need a discussion about the situation, the meaning of a ‘gift’, how she’s quite lucky to receive anything at all, how you feel fortunate to be able to provide gifts to her, and how she should be grateful for what she has. If she’s not willing to behave properly, i.e. continue to behave like a spoiled brat (to put it bluntly), then you need to cut back on this gift giving.</p>
<p>Context matters. Are you worried about her beyond this event? Accountability for behavior is important and gracious receipt of gifts a life-skill; it is hard to tell if there are other aspects of this situation to address with her. Parents usually know when there’s something going on that is broader in scope and not so much a moment in time. Wishing you the best with this.</p>
<p>I agree - take everything back, and take her for her word. She didn’t want anything, so she doesn’t get anything. Was it clear to her that she was getting the Jacket? If not, it might explain the behavior, but I wonder why she even bothered to open things if she didn’t want anything? It sounds like there’s a bit more going on.</p>
<p>I would have ordered the Jacket and wrapped a box with a picture of the jacket - the same thing I’ve had to do when gifts have not arrived in time (had one this year for out youngest, because the item got delayed in Wisconsin due to weather.</p>
<p>I agree with the others who want to know more about context and history. Be honest - is she normally a little bit of a brat? Does she appreciate what people do for her? If she is or is starting to feel entitled to what you provide for her, I’d give her a time out to get a sense of perspective. Take the family to a habit for humanity project, or a “soup kitchen”. </p>
<p>If she’s normally a good kid and had a bad week, I’d just sit down and tell her how you feel, and how you expect her to behave. Her feelings are her feelings, but you have a right to have yours respected too.</p>
<p>I expect for some reason this jacket represented something important in her mind and that while she knew it was expensive she hoped that if it was the only thing budgeted for that it would be affordable.
Recieving other things instead of the longed for jacket, was a disappointment and while I am not excusing her behavior, I would have predicted that reaction having known other teens in my time.
From a teens pov, it doesn’t make sense to spend more on presents " just so she has something to open" when the budget is already being stretched by gifting the jacket.
She probably already feels guilty by wanting something expensive and recieving more than she asked for compounds that.</p>
<p>As I was reading this, I did wonder if perhaps she thought that getting the other presents meant she was not getting the jacket, after thinking she was. Is there any possibility that she’d thought there was some kind of bait and switch, rather than there were extra presents instead? Because honestly, if she knew the jacket was coming, it’s a truly strange reaction.</p>
<p>(not to say that she HAD to get the jacket, but if she’d been led to think she was getting it, and then she thought sh’ed been misled, I can imagine a whole lot of disappointment that may have manifested, even if wrongfully expressed.)</p>
<p>In response to you all (I hope), when she first asked for the jacket, I was hesitant because I thought that when she goes to college in Sept., she will feel that it’s juvenile and not wear it, which would mean a lot of money down the drain. I told her I’d talk to Dad. Dad felt the same way, so we didn’t order the jacket. Yes, she is somewhat of a brat, and Dad spoils her. Just to show how much - yesterday he ordered the jacket anyway, even though I felt (and said) that she didn’t deserve it after the Christmas tantrum. So she might have thought that those presents meant that she was not getting her K-pop jacket. Also, she’s been chained (figuratively!!!) to her desk working on college applications after her early applications were denied. She hates this process, particularly the essay writing, which does not come easily for her. So, yes, there are a couple of things going on. She’s been very prickly since last weekend. But I do plan to take the presents back.</p>
<p>It looks like Dad is reinforcing her behavior - she’ll end up getting what she wants despite her poor behavior and only encourage her to continue this behavior. In addition, he’s undermining your perspective on this. I guess she’s playing him like a fiddle. What’s he thinking? Does he really think he’s helping her out in the long run by accepting this poor behavior and caving to her demands?</p>
<p>I’ll be odd man out here. I wouldn’t return presents unless she specifically asks them to be returned. They were gifts (ingrate or not) and belong now to her, not you. I’m sure there are better ways to get your point across about her behavior than returning her Christmas gifts. Just sounds like your drawing lines that may not be erased later on.</p>
<p>^^ She rejected the presents -
I personally wouldn’t tolerate that kind of behavior - she doesn’t deserve the presents.</p>
<p>You have raised a horrendous brat. There is simply no excuse for such behavior.</p>
<p>I would immediately cancel the order for the jacket and TELL HER SO.</p>
<p>Not only that, but she would receive no further gifts from me on any occasion–birthday, graduation–until I had seen some evidence of sincere remorse and understanding of civilized behavior.</p>
<p>Actually, I would consider making donations in her name to charities such as the Heifer Project. But that is absolutely it.</p>
<p>I agree she’s stressed and often our children take the worst of their moods out on us. I can accept that. But do not order the jacket for any reason whatsoever. The gifts given are gifts given (i.e., don’t return them), but to order that jacket is to become hostage to whims. You’ve got four years of college ahead… and the pleas for spring break trips, ski weekends, summer excursions, broken laptops, lost cell phones, warmer coat, lighter coat, boots (but not just any boots, cars, airline tickets. Seriously, the list barely ends between wants, needs, nice to have, and I’ll die without. </p>
<p>Yes, she is stressed, but I am here to tell you that if you reward behavior that is entitled or bratty or both? You deserve what you’ve raised - entitled and bratty. Sorry. I have one kinda sorta D like this and in trying to see her be happy, it merely got worse until we ended it. It was hard on all (and worse for her dad at first), but then he saw it in a different context and was furious with himself for letting things escalate to the point where she has no issue just taking something nice of mine on the pretense of “borrow” and when I get upset, acts as if I have no right to nice things SHE doesn’t have. Yeah, it got ugly from there. 
Set boundaries because if you don’t, they won’t know where to stop.</p>
<p>In response to you all (I hope), when she first asked for the jacket, I was hesitant because I thought that when she goes to college in Sept., she will feel that it’s juvenile and not wear it, which would mean a lot of money down the drain</p>
<p>Exactly how expensive * is *this jacket? $300? $500? Ebay is oftentimes very over priced you know.</p>
<p>I believe in logical consequences, say if my kid wanted me to go halfsies on something that was $300, and I agreed to do so, then it s * their problem* if they later changed their mind about the purchase. They could sell it themselves on ebay if it came to that!
But unless it is something that they really needed, ( for instance a pair of winter boots- when they needed boots, but maybe not this particular pair), I wouldnt feel badly about not being able to help them with it.
They need enough things, that its all we can do to keep up with needs, let alone wants.</p>
<p>If dad ordered the jacket, * after that tantrum?*, you have bigger problems than a teenager having a meltdown after cramming for college applications.
:(</p>
<p>This is not about the jacket. And respectfully, your H is doing the exact worst thing for his child. </p>
<p>She (if she’s like a lot of teenagers at that self-absorbed age) feels everyone is against her, nothing is going right, and her life is ruined. She didn’t get into her first choice schools, so her life is blighted forever, and not getting the jacket is just more of the same. Yes, we get it. </p>
<p>Regardless of how bad she feels, she has to learn that feelings and behavior can be separated by civilized human beings. She is old enough to grasp that concept, and as parents we need to help our kids learn the hard concepts. Buying the jacket is not the way to do it.</p>
<p>The best gift in the world you could give her now is to help her understand that 1) things are not as important as people; 2) she doesn’t have the right to treat people like that, even when she’s feeling horrible; and 3) she has to learn to behave more like a mature adult even when she doesn’t get into her dream schools or get her dream gift. It’s time.</p>
<p>OK, Sounds like she is very stressed right now, but I also get the impression that this may not be a one off and this may be expected behavior? If it is expected well return the other stuff and forget about the jacket for now. Even my 12yo knows to express gratitude for any gift they receive, even the worse one imaginable. If this is a one off and unexpected behavior I would probably give her the jacket when it arrives and return the other items. I go by a list my two kids (19yo boy and 12you girl) give me. They get mostly what is on the list and few items I pick to make things surprising.</p>
<p>Before I did anything, I’d talk to not so darling daughter and find out what was going through her mind when she was being so horribly rude. Teachable moment. I would assess motivation and try to figure out what’s eating at her. Like others, I think this is about more than a jacket.</p>
<p>Either way, it needs to be made clear that this bratty behavior won’t get her very far in life with those outside of her nuclear family (seems to be okay with dad). No one else will respond so kindly. So you have a discussion with her about more appropriate behavior and responses, see how she responds to that discussion, wait a while…digest, and THEN decide what to do about the presents.</p>
<p>Knee jerk reaction: I like the idea about leaving the gifts given as they are and returning the expensive jacket that she will not want next year and was so bratty about and hubby circumvented your wishes and your mutual agreement to ensure she would get.</p>
<p>You all are right. H likes to buy DD stuff, even when she’s behaved badly, even when she doesn’t need what he’s bought her, and even when it’s grossly expensive. It totally undermines my influence as her mother and my effort to teach her things like gratitude, moderation, patience, New question - what do you do when this happens? And yes, he and I have sat down and talked about this, repeatedly.</p>