<p>I’m going with MStee post 32 on this. The best thing is to give the money (strict gift–no strings attached) and see what happens. I had a neighbor who could never believe her kids decisions (2 daughters a couple years apart)-one would buy quantity at Wal-Mart and have a whole wardrobe and the other needed a $100 Guess shirt to be happy. Friend was smart in keeping her judgments to herself–she bit her tongue on a regular basis about the one-shirt child–but both her kids were good kids and she knew it. If that was the least of her problems…</p>
<p>It’s a little confusing to me. </p>
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<p>This makes it seem as if the D was led to expect that she would be getting the jacket after Christmas (regardless of what else she got on Christmas Day).</p>
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<p>It’s not that the D <em>might</em> have thought the other presents meant she was not getting the jacket - at that point, it DID mean that. Then the D throws the tantrum and Dad orders the jacket. If this is the way it all happened, to be honest, not that well handled on anyone’s part.</p>
<p>Am I the only one who thinks someone should ask this child “what the hell is going on that you’re having a temper tantrum over Christmas presents?”</p>
<p>I suppose I might be in the minority here, but I don’t think it does children (even the teenaged ones!) any good for adults to start calling them names (spoiled little brat). </p>
<p>OP, it sounds to me like she expected to get the jacket because she was specifically asked what she wanted and was (in my mind) understandably upset when she realized it seemed like she wasn’t going to get the one and only thing she said she wanted. If she wasn’t going to get it, that should have been made clear before Christmas presents were being opened. Too late to go back and change that now though. </p>
<p>Did she handle it well? Certainly not, but I think it provides a good opportunity for productive, thoughtful conversation (after everyone has calmed down, of course). Most teenagers still behave immaturely at times (heck, most adults I know do too) and they still need guidance. I guess what kind of guidance is the issue here. I’m not a tough love kind-of parent. I’d set out to have a nice talk with her about how our actions make others feel, why you made the decisions you did (acknowledging how you should have / could have communicated better if part of the problem was miscommunication), the negative aspects of entitlement and being ungrateful, etc. I would not automatically return the gifts and would only do so if she still maintained she didn’t want them. Even though she had a tantrum, the gifts were given to her, and as a parent, I wouldn’t set the example that it’s okay to take back something that you’ve given to someone.</p>
<p>I also ask my (four) children what they’d like for Christmas, and they know I’m a proponent of practical, reasonable gifts. There are still things here and there they ask for that are simply too expensive or too impractical. I make sure they understand before Christmas that they aren’t going to be getting those items. My daughter especially might pout a little, but she gets past it and there aren’t any huge disappointments come present-opening time.</p>
<p>I really do hope you and your family are able to make something positive come out of this situation. :)</p>
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<p>Why does everyone keep saying this?</p>
<p>From the OP:</p>
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I don’t think anyone suggested calling her names - they just said the kid is behaving as a spoiled brat, which she is.</p>
<p>I think it’s okay to try to find out what someone wants/needs but I think there should be no ‘expectations’ and certainly no sense of entitlement to any particular gifts. Since I wouldn’t necessarily get my kids what they said they wanted and might get them something they didn’t consider but end up liking there’s no concern about telling them beforehand not to expect to receive certain presents. They already know not to expect any particular thing and have never expressed any disappointment and only gratitude. I don’t like the idea of basically ‘ordering’ what are supposed to be gifts. As you might guess I hate the idea of gift registries for any purpose as well.</p>
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You’re not the only one and I assume the OP already has asked that question - perhaps a couple of times. If this happened to me I’d wait for things to calm down a bit and then ask what the deal is. Regardless, she wouldn’t get the jacket either physically or virtually by handing her the cash so she could buy it.</p>
<p>You’re right, Nrdsb4. She did initially choose other things, but I’m guessing she didn’t realize that her mother already started ordering some of them. That would have been the perfect time to have the conversation about what gifts she was actually going to get based on what had already transpired. Perfect time, since other requested items had been ordered, to talk about the possibility of getting the jacket for a birthday gift, graduation gift, etc.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, too late for all of that now though.</p>
<p>I do agree that maybe it’s time to just give the D a pre-determined amount of money for Christmas. Mom can still buy a few small things to have under the tree to open on Christmas.</p>
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<p>NO! NO!! This is the crux of the matter to me: no one is ever obligated to buy you presents EVER for ANY reason. Still less are they obligated to buy something that you have said you want.</p>
<p>ANY time that a person goes to the effort to find something they think you might like you should be grateful. Period. </p>
<p>This is a perfect illustration of why I detest the practice of “Christmas lists.” They foster the idea that you are OWED a present, and moreover that it must be something that meets YOUR specifications. She had absolutely NO right to be upset. It is very unfortunate that she has been raised to think that she does have that right.</p>
<p>I hate to play both sides of the fence but I am going to do it anyways. Mom/Dad shouldn’t put restrictions and opinions on what are WANTS of another. But nobody (even closest family) gets their wants automatically. Gifts should be given with love freely and within budget in an ideal world and accepted as such. The end.</p>
<p>Yeah, at some point it really is tough knowing what others want. We generally just do our level best. Did offer to give kids checks but they really wanted some gifts under the tree. In OP’s case it doesn’t appear that DD was grateful for OP’s efforts. My SIL mostly gives her kids checks instead of shopping and having to return. I don’t mind shopping & returning if people appreciate the effort. It is another story entirely when recipients are ungrateful.</p>
<p>I totally agree that no one is entitled to any present, no matter how many times they say they want it. The only thing that gave me pause was the implication that the parents told the D that she would be getting the jacket sometime after Christmas, and that somehow she was made aware that it wasn’t going to happen at all. That’s the part that is still a little unclear to me. </p>
<p>If so, I don’t think it’s right to promise something if you’re not planning to deliver. Just don’t say anything in the first place. But if no indication was given by the parents ahead of time that she would definitely be getting the jacket, and/or no retraction as far as the D knew, that’s different.</p>
<p>The D’s reaction was, of course, not appropriate in either case.</p>
<p>I am sure there are multiple reasons why she acted the way she did, the stress of applying to colleges and any potential pressure from parents or friends about getting into certain schools, on top of also being more then a bit immature. I agree with the other posters, the H undercutting you is bad news, one thing my spouse and I agreed to when our S was little was when we had disputes or disagreements, we talked about it in private and came to some sort of compromise or whatever, or agreed to do things one way or the other, because kids are master manipulators…:). </p>
<p>I think in this case I would keep the gifts you had gotten her and I would cancel the K pop jacket until at the very least you can get through to her. If my S acted like that, I would have a long talk with him about inappropriate behavior and about the meaning of gifts and how precious they are. I remember once our S was frustrated, he saw what kids who had been pushed strongly from an early age had done on the instrument, and was mad that we hadn’t pushed him like that…we had quite an intense discussion, including pointing out that had we done that (which we did not do, deliberately) he probably would have given up, and also the cost of parents pushing kids with music at a young age, which often ends up with kids who play incredibly well but also are hard to watch play because they look miserable, and he got it. Kids do lash out, don’t handle things well at times, there is no doubt, and it is why we are parents, to be able to deal with that (and of course, it is so easy…not).</p>
<p>When I hear stories like this I am so, so grateful for our S, he seems to appreciate what we do for him. We aren’t the type of people to remind him of things we do for him, we simply do, and a lot, but he really seems to understand the cost and sacrifice of supporting his dreams of being a musician. This Christmas, we ended up deciding not to exchange gifts at all within our family (which is hard for me, I absolutely love shopping and getting gifts) because he already feels badly about the cost of applications, the cost of flying for auditions and such, probably needing a new instrument and of course the upcoming cost of college itself, and though it isn’t like we would be breaking the bank giving gifts, he really feels guilty so we figured we would take some of the load off. I don’t know why he is the way he is, I won’t take credit for it, but is it nice realize when you have someone who appreciates what you do for them:). And actually, in many ways it made it a very different Christmas, so there was something added, too:)</p>
<p>Just wondering - what’s ‘k-pop’ anyway?</p>
<p>Korean pop music!</p>
<p>I did something different this year because my son is living in a distant city and might be moving around a bit for the next few years. I generated a few gift ideas I thought might be practical and enjoyable for him and his girlfriend and just flat out asked him if they would like these things; an area rug and some Asian chairs. The chairs are like ones we have at our house that we got for our son years ago, no legs, just right on the floor but with a padded seat and back support. They were both very happy with the idea of extra seating for themselves and their guests, also things they could take with them easily if they moved.</p>
<p>OP, maybe your daughter is just going through a difficult time. Let’s not be calling her a spoiled brat or blaming you for not raising her correctly! I was so upset when someone on CC called everyone in the Occupy Wall St movement “entitled brats” because I know my kid and so many of his friends who were doing this and they aren’t brats at all. They had/have sincere beliefs and were willing to go through a lot of discomfort to express them. I find that it works well to vent and get opinions here on CC and with my friends IRL and then keep the lines of communications open with my kid.</p>
<p>^ I call them like I see them…she acted like a spoiled brat…the entitled me first generation.
No need to make excuses(college apps…really?).
Xmas has lost something if kids expect to get everything they possibly desire.(and a lot of that is on the parents…)</p>
<p>^That’s why I don’t ask my kid what she wants for xmas in general. I may ask if there’s any special wishes I should consider. Otherwise, it’s in the dark, no expectations just wild guesses. I enjoy seeing her face light up opening the boxes. It is a lot of work finding a pleasant surprise tho. We used to do the advent calendar, too. Instead of candies, I went around the town looking for something small and interesting and cheap. THAT was hard. Got harder as the kid got older. She never forgot what she got in previous years. I couldn’t repeat.</p>
<p>Yes, the OP’s D was out of line complaining about presents, but do some of us have a bad day sometimes? Do I remember emotions from adolescent hormones? Do I remember emotional issues from driving through hours of winter weather yesterday? I don’t see how name-calling helps anything. Set limits, of course. Something about calling someone a brat bothers me.</p>
<p>No one is calling her a spoiled brat to her face, but let’s face it, she IS acting like one! I’m with geeps-are we REALLY saying the “pressure” of college apps is enough to make a kid snap? Over a generous gift? </p>
<p>If this ever happened in my home, several things would happen. I would calmly collect the unwanted gifts, but I would not send them back. I would bring them, my D is tow, to the transitional shelter for women and children that we support. Then I would have a long talk with her about how great she has it and that she disrespected me, herself, and pretty much anyone with actual NEEDS with her attitude. There would be loss of privileges. I would cancel the jacket as well.</p>
<p>The bigger problem, though, is the H’s behavior, apparently longstanding, of undermining the wife and doting on the kid. No wonder she’s a brat-she’s been raised to be! I suggest family counseling, though it may be too late-and there will be another generation of entitled kids when this one replicates.</p>
<p>In my home, Christmas and birthday wish lists are just that. They are suggestions, nothing more. We also have involved the kids since toddlerhood in donating to needy families at Christmastime and year-round. They know they have it good and they know other kids don’t, and they can’t be asking for the moon and expecting it. Also, in this house, that kind of behavior would never be tolerated no matter the excuse. Does drama and crabbiness happen? Of course. But outright disrespect to parents? Not on our watch, not without consequences.</p>