I agree someone who said she shouldn’t have the baby. At 18, she is still a kid herself. Carrying it full term and giving up for adoption would be traumatic.
Well I know what I would advise my daughter (if I had one) to do and it wouldn’t be keep the baby or have the baby and give it up for adoption - and it definitely would not be to marry the father!
I would reach out to Princeton and ask them, how could they support your D. You may be positively surprised by the level of support top Universities provide! Financially, it may be much better than you think!
Your D shall get in touch with Princeton, ask for a gap year, ask for financial support from the University. I bet Princeton will help!
I have a number of friends who got pregnant in college. It worked well for all of them. I really don’t see an issue, just a blessing 
It is a baby, it is a blessing
-Doctor. ASAP. You need to know options. Options include maternity care and abortion options.
-Don’t go to Planned Parenthood if you don’t want to but I don’t advise going to religious-based pro-life services either unless that is your religious/personal belief. If it is, that’s fine.
-College is not the top thing on her plate right now. College will be there, but this pregnancy cannot wait. It must be dealt with (again whether that means through prenatal care or abortion) as soon as possible.
-I agree with @Sue22 that you only go the adoption route IF she’s (and her partner) are 100% committed to placing it with another family. It is cruel to back out.
-Whatever you do, forcing a 17/18 year old into a marriage is NOT the right answer IMO. She still has a future ahead of her and a quickie marriage because of a baby when you’re that age rarely turns out well. (Of course there are exceptions.)
To any other parents who might be reading this: your kids are almost certainly going to have sex before they tell you. Get your kids vaccinated with the HPV vaccine. Have open and frank conversations early and often. Consider a long-term contraception method for your daughters and emphasize that condoms are a must every single time.
One can be “devout” yet still succumb to the very human and very strong urges which are present in young adults. The hormones and powerful desires are built into humans of child bearing age in order to keep the species alive. Yes, it’s possible to use mind over matter and control these urges, but not everyone is necessarily as strong as the next person. Young people are known for poor impulse control and risky behavior (with regard to sex, many “mature” adults are not that much better). One can believe something with their mind and heart, yet fail in the moment to live up to those beliefs.
We are, as human beings, quite imperfect at times.
Financially: if your D qualifies as young family (zero assets) , she most likely will get full ride + free apartment + free day care + money from Social services. I got similar deal when I got pregnant while in Stanford. If you will provide your D a couple of hundred dollars per month to cover after-hour nanny, she would have perfect college life, with all activities, parties, etc. Also she can take easier load and 6 years to graduate. She may get full ride + free apartment + free day care + money from Social services as long as she is undergrad.
If it would be my child, I would be happy-happy.
I would be afraid to terminate / adopt the FIRST baby. Lots of women experience infertility. What if it is the only chance for your D? Imagine, how sorry you would be if she would not have children afterwards? I would understand if it is the baby number 10, but not the first one!
Oh my. Best wishes.
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Why not? They love each other, he offered his support. I’d say, take it as a blessing, as a gift from God. It is so much better than 35+ years old never-married, childless women, who are looking for 45+ old men on OK-Cupid
Is this the same child who can’t do her own laundry or wake herself up for class? If so, I do not think she is ready for the responsibility of a baby. Sounds like your DD needs some guidance in the how to be responsible for herself department before she takes on the challenge of parenting. To me the choices are obvious and should be entirely her’s and the birth father’s. Let her take the lead.
Nrdsb4: While I absolutely agree with what you write in post #42, I am aware of situations (among devout young couples not believing in premarital relations) where a young man would not be unhappy if a girlfriend about to go away to college and leave him, found out she was pregnant and agreed to an early marriage instead. And maybe that turns out for the best. Who am I to judge?
One of my sisters kept calling me with fears her high school age daughter was in such a situation. I suggested an implant. I have no idea what was decided but my niece went to college, graduated and worked before marrying someone she met as an adult. I suspect she went on BC.
A young man so insecure and immature he won’t let his girlfriend go to college for fear she’d leave him is not husband material and certainly not father material.
If the marriage is meant to be, they’ll remain together for four years, even long distance. If college is an obstacle then the relationship wasn’t strong enough in the first place.
The OP has not come back.
@alh, funny you should mention that. I wondered, too, if there might be a little “sabotage” going on here. BF is being left behind by his gf going off to one of the most prestigious Ivy League schools in the nation. What if she meets someone “better”?
Or the gf is terrified of going off to this prestigious uni and perhaps not measuring up. So she sabotages herself and doesn’t have to face this difficult and scary test of her abilities.
Who knows? Could be either of those or neither.
Interesting point. The mom expressed in another thread that she didn’t have much confidence in her daughter and that she worried about her being able to take care of herself away from home. I can imagine a scenario in which the daughter internalized all of that and was terrified to go.
I would want confirmation that she IS pregnant. If she used a home kit…or just missed her period…she might not be pregnant…at all.
Get to the doctor…and get this verified…and figure out how pregnant she actually is.
She told you last night she was pregnant…but you were still planning to take her for the HPV shot this afternoon?
Good that you didn’t, if she is really pregnant.
I’m worried about the OP in all this. If she truly steps back and lets her daughter decide, she will still have her own feelings to process. If the child is adopted and it’s a closed adoption, perhaps far away, will the OP mourn the loss of that grandchild? If the child is adopted and it’s an open adoption, will she mourn, perhaps even more keely, that “almost” grandchild? I can only imagine the pain, relief, sorrow, and other emotions that all the parents and grandparents will have to go through. Hugs to you all.
First of all let me say that she is not the first, nor will be the last teen to get pregnant. There are a lot of options these days compared to what there was 50 or more years ago and you need to support her emotionally and financially in what ever decision she makes. Is she ready to have a child? Does she want to keep the child? If so, does she want to have the father involved basically in her life, for the next 18 years? If not, is the father willing to give up parental rights or is he prepared to pay child support and part of the medical bills for the next 18 years? Is she willing to share custody of the child for the next 18 years? If adoption is the answer, does he need to surrender parental rights? What rights, if any, does he have in the adoption? Does she want and open or closed adoption? Is termination and option? Marriage? How long have they dated and have they discussed marriage before this? Can he and is he prepared to support a wife and child? Does she want to get married? The final decision is hers and hers alone. You need to remain neutral even if you don’t agree with her decision. Should she chose either adoption or termination, I highly, highly suggest counseling for her. If you research online, make sure the site or group that owns the site is neutral (neither pro nor con termination). You may ask your gynecologist (they are supposed to be neutral) for suggestions as to who to talk to about this. You might also need to consult a lawyer about what his rights are and what needs to be done.
IMO, college right now is on the back burner until this is all thought through and sorted out. That does not mean that college is out of the picture. She can always attend a community college and then transfer to another school. Some schools offer daycare. Some colleges have single parent housing when they trade off watching each others children while they are in class.
I’ve tried my best to be neutral in this since it isn’t my decision. Keep in mind that your daughter has just gone from basically, carefree childhood to full blown adulthood, head on.
It is your daughter’s choice. The best thing you can do for her is to let her know that you love her and will stand by her no matter what she decides to do.
Some considerations:
- Marriage is a very serious commitment. A good marriage can mean sharing a lifetime of loving mutual support and happiness. A bad marriage could mean a life of lack of fulfillment and misery for your daughter. Having loved someone enough to have sex with them is not the same as knowing he is the right person with whom to spend the rest of her life. Your daughter will need to make her own decisions, but unless marriage was a serious consideration before the pregnancy, it should not become one just because of the pregnancy.
- Parenting is an even more serious commitment. No one should enter into it without feeling fully ready. It would not be fair to the child.
- There have been a lot of opinions of another sort expressed on this thread, so I will share another perspective. Again, it is just a perspective, and your daughter must decide what she believes is right for her. But here is what I would want for my own child. As a parent, I am sure you want your daughter to fulfill her dreams. Getting to go to Princeton is very exciting! She may spend the rest of her life regretting her missed opportunity to attend Princeton. But if she aborts this fetus and goes to Princeton and then pursues a career, she still can have another baby someday, when she is married to a man she truly loves, with whom she has decided to share a life under well-thought-out plans and non-emergency conditions. And then she will be ready to give the baby the love and devotion it deserves. This is also true if she chooses adoption, and then the baby will have other loving parents... but that will affect the start of her college career and is less quickly “over” than abortion. Also, although maybe this should not matter, carrying to term means everyone knows and she may have to deal with other people’s reactions for months to come, whereas no one need ever know if she has an abortion.
Whatever she decides, do not make her feel guilty (she already is confronted with the enormity of what happened and the choice she has to make), and make it clear that you love and support her no matter what. All three potential decisions involve a sort of emotional maturity and bravery to make, and you should recognize her for that and encourage her.
Good luck to your daughter. And kudos to you for being willing to support her in options that may not have matched your original beliefs or expectations for her. Being a parent means putting your own child’s emotional needs above your own. It means thinking about what is best for YOUR daughter, and not caring what any society or religious group would think. And it means listening while she thinks things out, reflecting back what you hear, and supporting her decision. That is what you are doing now. She is watching and learning, and someday, when she is ready to be a parent, she will be able to give the same unselfish love to her own child.