Unrealistic Kids and the Parents Who Indulge Them

TatinG · May 19, 2011, 2:13pm

Here are some stories:

<ol>
<li>Kid quits job with Fortune 500 country to start an internet website in his parent’s basement.</li>
<li>After failing high school, going to CC for a time, going to culinary school, kid is just hanging out living off his college funds.</li>
<li>Kid who got a musical theater degree is still living off his parent’s money.</li>
<li>Parents homeschool a kid in hopes that he will become a professional tennis player.</li>
<li>Kid of wealthy parents tells his parents that he wants to wander the country as a ‘homeless person’ as the ultimate green lifestyle.</li>
<li>Several parents I know spending major bucks to send kids to dance school, to try and earn a living as a dancer.</li>
</ol>

Yes, some of these kids have dreams and I can understand the parents not wanting to quash them, but there has to be a realistic Plan B. And some of these kids just seem to want to drift through life.

Is this some sort of recent phenomenon? Is this happening in your lives or is it just people I know?

rodney · May 19, 2011, 2:18pm

I know a #4 family…at Nick Bollietiere Academy though (I think they actually have a school there?)

charlieschm · May 19, 2011, 2:20pm

I know a high school senior who was arrested for drug sales, and constantly skips school. His parents believe every lie he tells them. Every punishment they decide upon keeps getting watered down to the point that there is no punishment. The high school hasn’t punished him at all because he is a star athlete.

<hr>

These stories provide a couple lessons to parents: 1. Charge your kids rent if they live with you. 2. Maintain full control of any college funds for your kids so that the money is only used for college. This can be accomplished, among other methods, by putting the money in a 529 that is owned by the parent, with the child as beneficiary. If they quit higher education, the money should continue to kept in the 529 account to give them an incentive to go back to school later, or can be transferred by the parent to a more responsible sibling.

Brooklynborndad · May 19, 2011, 2:26pm

In general too little info

“Kid quits job with Fortune 500 country to start an internet website in his parent’s basement.”

There are people who hate working for a fortune 500 company. the sooner they figure that out, the better. OTOH there are billionaires who started internet websites (pardon, are there noninternet websites?) OTOH if it was someone who LIKED working at the fort 500 co, and their website idea isnt amazing, it sounds like a poor idea. I dunno.

“2. After failing high school, going to CC for a time, going to culinary school, kid is just hanging out living off his college funds.”

The logical thing to do after culinary school is to work at a restaurant or caterer. Without knowing this kids job search activities, its impossible to judge.

“3. Kid who got a musical theater degree is still living off his parent’s money.”

You hear about trust fund kiddies playing in NYC after getting degrees like that. OTOH there are folks who get jobs with MT degrees, and maybe he happens to be in the middle of a job search. I dont know.

“4. Parents homeschool a kid in hopes that he will become a professional tennis player.” Making it in a field that has a handful of stars is very iffy. OTOH I would not assume that because someone was homeschooled, they didnt learn. I know of a homeschooler who got into Stanford, another in Georgetown.

“5. Kid of wealthy parents tells his parents that he wants to wander the country as a ‘homeless person’ as the ultimate green lifestyle.”

Im not sure that an ambition to be homeless can be considered unrealistic. Do you think they will not end up homeless?

“6. Several parents I know spending major bucks to send kids to dance school.”

I know a kid headed to Barnard to major in dance. She will still take regular distribution courses, and will still have a Barnard degree. I guess she will be able to get a nondance job if it comes to that - or go to law school.

Is it new - in the 1970s there were kids who left college to join communes, visit the sandinistas, etc. When they went back to get professional degrees that too became something of a “trend” “Yuppie sell outs” etc. As Kohelet said - “There is nothing new under the sun”

What seems somewhat new is the general grouchiness in our society, where everyone is looking for folks to blame for “national decline” “financial bubbles” etc. Maybe we should reread Kohelet

.

As thou knowest not what is the way of the wind, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child; even so thou knowest not the work of God who doeth all things. 
ו בַּבֹּקֶר זְרַע אֶת-זַרְעֶךָ, וְלָעֶרֶב אַל-תַּנַּח יָדֶךָ: כִּי אֵינְךָ יוֹדֵעַ אֵי זֶה יִכְשָׁר, הֲזֶה אוֹ-זֶה, וְאִם-שְׁנֵיהֶם כְּאֶחָד, טוֹבִים. 6 In the morning sow thy seed, and in the evening withhold not thy hand; for thou knowest not which shall prosper, whether this or that, or whether they both shall be alike good.

ALF · May 19, 2011, 2:53pm

Or, how about these:

<ol>
<li>Kid drops out of Reed College, goes to India to study Eastern religions, sells his van and his friend’s calculator to start up a hobbyist’s computer company in his parent’s garage (Steve Jobs).</li>
<li>Kid grows up in affluent Seattle family, was banned from high school computer lab for hacking into a mainframe. Dropped out of Harvard to write a BASIC program with his friend, another dropout from Washington State University (Bill Gates).</li>
<li>Kid dropped out of school in 9th grade to become a professional tennis player at age 16. Dad would allegedly drive him to school, but instead took him to the local tennis court (Andre Aggasi).</li>
<li>Kid went to high school in California after his parents divorced, spent much of his childhood making amateur films. Applied twice to USC, both times unsuccessfully. Ended up at Cal State - Long Beach, but dropped out for an unpaid internship at Universal Studios (Steven Spielberg).</li>
<li>Kid drops out of Regis University and is arrested in Chicago, trying to smuggle 9 pounds of marijuana. Goes to work at Second City Chicago to become an improvisational comedian (Bill Murray)</li>
</ol>

soozievt · May 19, 2011, 3:05pm

OP, I have a kid with a degree in Musical Theater. The difference is that my kids know that when they are not in school, we no longer support them (though as recent grads, we are still paying health insurance). So, it is not an option for them to be supported by mom and dad. :D

That said, my D who majored in MT is living and working in her field in NYC and has supported herself since graduation day two years ago. Even her “back up jobs” are all in performing arts.

whatever4 · May 19, 2011, 3:21pm

Thanks, Brooklynborndad! Made my day!

wiggidy · May 19, 2011, 3:27pm

I think the OP is being unrealistic. Everybody is different. You only live once, probably shouldn’t be wasting it doing things you don’t want to be doing. People chasing their dreams can be an inspiration (just as inspiring as meeting a happy hobo).

TatinG · May 19, 2011, 3:27pm

ALF, those stories are the rare exceptions.

Some of these kids are dreaming the (nearly) impossible dream. Some have given up on having any dreams at all. This latter is worse, I think.

The chances of making a living for the website owner, the dancer, the MT major and the professional tennis player are very dim.

The tennis player will likely end up feeding balls to middle-aged women at a tennis club somewhere.

The dancer will teach 5-year-olds ballet.

The website owner will likely have to go back to a desk job.

The MT major, lord knows.

Maybe this will be fine with them, but the financial results don’t merit the monetary gamble being made.

When I was in school (back in the stone ages) but also during another recession, none of my high school or college classmates did anything like this. We became accountants, doctors, lawyers, bankers, teachers. If we harbored dreams of being writers, artists or athletes, we kept those things as hobbies. We were a practical generation.

As long as these dreamers have a fallback plan and realize that the fallback plan is what is most likely to happen, they’ll be okay, I guess.

charlieschm · May 19, 2011, 3:47pm

Maybe the conclusion is: follow your dreams, but after 8 months in my house, its time to go get a day job.

soozievt · May 19, 2011, 3:49pm

TatinG…I don’t share your philosophy. I could care less what my kids chose for their college majors. I support whatever they choose and further, hope they choose to study what they are passionate about. Many adults are not working in a field related to their undergrad major. A major is just a major and doesn’t define the only kinds of jobs you can get with a college degree. Further, just speaking for a musical theater major, there are many facets of the field. Many performers have “survival jobs” which they maintain while seeking work performing (one is always job hunting as performing gigs are not long term). My D’s “survival jobs” are all professional in nature. She works in many facets of theater and music. I am confident that she will always work in this field in some capacity. But even if she did not, her college degree would serve her well in the work force. She can do more than musical theater even if that was her major. She is educated and an educated person can become employed. A major doesn’t dictate the only thing you can do in your life.

We NEVER saw our kids’ education as a “monetary gamble.” Their educations were worth it for the education itself and not just what level of paying job they would eventually obtain. Their salaries don’t measure the worth of their degrees. However, their educations are, so far, serving them well in their subsequent achievements.

The arts are not just a “hobby.” It is a profession for some and a life’s calling. The theater/music fields are part of my kid’s soul and essence of her being. We never discussed her prospective college major. Those who knew her starting at age 3 or 4 could have predicted her college major. It was a given.

soozievt · May 19, 2011, 3:51pm

charlie…for my kids…it was and continues to be: “follow your dreams” and also you have to support yourself when not in school…we gave them their educations…they supported themselves every summer during college (did not live at home) and every day following graduation day. For my kids, it is a given that parents don’t support you after you graduate, but provide you the education to follow your dreams.

UCDAlum82 · May 19, 2011, 3:51pm

I tell my children to do what they love and you will never work a day in your life.

I’ve worked with many a happy dance teacher and tennis pro who support their families that way.

I’ve also worked with more than a few unhappy professionals. Not only is it extremely hard to succeed in the professional capacity in something you don’t love, those 50 hours a week you are doing it you are miserable.

Hanna · May 19, 2011, 3:53pm

“Maybe this will be fine with them, but the financial results don’t merit the monetary gamble being made.”

Who’s to say how well-off people should spend their money? If the parents are taking on huge loans, that can be a different story, but if they want to spend disposable income on expensive arts education rather than early retirement, fancy cars, vacation homes, etc., I can’t see what the problem is.

TatinG · May 19, 2011, 3:58pm

I differ. I think you have to teach your kids to be realistic. Urge them to have a plan and a plan B. I agree with the previous poster. Follow your dream but be prepared to earn your own living. And know that some dreams will mean giving up on others.

There was a story in the Times last weekend in the financial section. The woman featured was asking the financial adviser if she could afford a modest home. This woman had had a role in the Broadway production of “Rent”, she had had roles on TV, she had made in pretty big in the theater world, but some years her income was barely $5,000. She will never be able to afford her own home. Fortunately, she never went to college and didn’t have student debt looming over her. So one dream meant she forfeits another.

I think many kids live in a fantasy world and it’s a parents job to bring them back to the real world.

Pea · May 19, 2011, 4:04pm

I think kids should dream there is plenty of time later in life to settle.

For some dreaming big means dreaming of going to college. For families that don’t have the means a college education might sound like something that isn’t realistic for their kid, but if the kid wants it enough it could be possible.

For some the dream is to become a doctor. It’s a long road and medical school admission is tough. You have to be the kind of kid who dreams to make that happen.

I think being able to dream and do the hard work in pursuit of a goal is important.

Pea · May 19, 2011, 4:09pm

In the story you posted TatinG, who is to say that the woman isn’t happy with the trade off she has made. Maybe she would rather be an actress even if it comes at the price of owning a home. Many professions are not that lucrative. As long as a person can live within their means then in my opinion those lower paying professions are a valid choice.

mdemvizi · May 19, 2011, 4:12pm

Guess what? Times change, people change, and what is considered a ‘normal college major’ changes.

I go to a liberal arts college in upstate/western NY. I have friends who study pure theatre, musical theatre, vocal performance, -insert instrument here- performance, cinema and photography, biology, english, math, and television-radio.

We all study different things. Do we all expect to become what our degree says we should be? No. Will some of us go into oyr careers getting jobs which are small and short and waiting for the next gig? Probably.

I am a student in the communications school. I’ve had a lot of people question my major - Television-Radio - asking whether that is a real thing. Why don’t I become a doctor they ask? Why don’t I study business they ask? You seem so much smarter than a degree in television they say. I laugh.

Television and the wide field of communications is my passion. I like to study how a single camera show works or how television is changing when webseries and the Internet are taking over. I like standing in the studio hearing the producer and director talk in my ear while I motion for the on-screen talent to get to their point. I like spending hours in the basement of the communications building sitting in a lab with Final Cut Pro open.

People tell me all the time that my degree will take me nowhere. Who wants a girl with a B.S. Television-Radio degree with minors in Politics, Still Photography, and Culture & Communication? I’ll find someone who wants someone who is able to multitask, complete assignments in short periods of time, is able to work independently, and manage my own time. My degree just isn’t TV-R it’s a combination of skills, knowledge, and ability to handle situations most people don’t understand.

I won’t be living off of my parents money. Before I graduate college they plan on moving to Florida while I see myself more in Los Angeles, New York City, or some other major media capital. My parents don’t want me either so it’s a fair trade in the end.

Lastly my parents have never ordered me to major in something. I choose my major and my career path. Both of them know I would be miserable as an accountant, or a doctor, or some other ‘normal occupation.’ I am pretty happy where I am too.

cptofthehouse · May 19, 2011, 4:19pm

Tatin, it took a bit before I could tell if your first post was in the tone of Alf’s. Yes, the exceptions are the Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Bill Murrays, Steven Spielberg, Agassi, et al. But there are a heck of a number of kids who have done exactly as you post, and though they did not end up in the very upper echelons of success, they benefitted greatly from their move off of the beaten track. It isn’t so rare to meet those who have had gaps in their education and their careers. There are many who have taken side excursions from their planned futures into uncharted territory, with those excursions making them wiser, better and happier. For us parents, and believe me, count me in this group, I love these traditional guide lines better. A kid who gets a degree in 4 years and finds a job with an upward career path doesn;t tie my stomach into knots as the one who wants to join a commune for a couple of years, or takes any number of detours far more savory than the ones you listed.

I know many who are doing extraordinarily well and are pretty danged happy doing a lot of the things on your list and things that are not even as “respectable” to put it nicely.

Though it makes it easier on us parents, kids are not soldiers stepping in time and in line as to what they have to do. It’s the off beat paths that often lead to the serendipity, creativity and surprises in our lives.

intparent · May 19, 2011, 4:21pm

I am glad someone in our society starts internet companies (or develops skills that allow them to eventually work for a smaller tech company), goes to culinary school and opens a great restaurant, performs in musical theater (or teaches it at my kid’s high school), gives tennis lessons (or plays professionally so I can watch on TV), cares about a green lifestyle, and gives dance lessons (or dances professionally so I can go watch them). It would be a smaller, sadder world without these things.

Statistically (except for the homeless goal), I think making some kind of living in these fields is no less probable than the average “pre-med” high school senior actually making it through medical school.

I do think parents need to help kids develop a work ethic in whatever they do, and give the kids deadlines and goals for earning their own living.

Unrealistic Kids and the Parents Who Indulge Them

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