<p>I was e-mailing with an old friend who’s been regaling me with stories of her 16 yr old and how its so hard because the parents in his group of friends leave for the weekend and the kids are free to have parties with drinking, and that its so hard but that I’ll have to get used to it when my 14 yr. old is that age. I do? I don’t think so.</p>
<p>I don’t think so, either. As with anything else, as parents, we could always say “no.” Unfortunately, your friend seems to think it is okay. “Just because everyone is doing it does not make it right” is the mantra in our home.</p>
<p>I’ve always asked “Are parents going to be there?” about parties. (Not unfortunately, that parental presence and underage drinking are mutually exclusive.) If parents aren’t at home, my kids don’t have permission to attend, and they understand that there will be heavy-duty consequences for lying or sneaking around. My three ds have earned a lot of trust over the years, and I’ve been willing to take their word about parental presence and no alcohol at parties. Their lives would change radically if they betrayed that trust, and they know it.</p>
<p>A lot of kids drink in high school, including a lot of good kids with parents who certainly love them. But I’ve never understood the idea that, as a parent, I’m supposed to turn a blind eye to underage drinking. It’s not a moral issue - I don’t really drink, but I’ve got no beef with folks who do. I suppose I think it’s my job to uphold the law, and I don’t see how I can do otherwise as a parent. </p>
<p>It is, however, socially hard on non-drinking kids in high school, especially among 15-16 y/os. There’s a wide line drawn in our hs between drinking and non-drinking groups until kids are older (perhaps the drinkers eventually recognize how nice it is to have a designated driver handy?).</p>
<p>She said their attitude is that this is what they did in high school, and that letting him have a couple of beers at friends is better than the alternative which is sneaking around and lying. No driving after the beers is allowed. That’s where they draw the line. She said at 16 you can’t call the parents about supervision. I don’t get that. I’m very good at picking up the phone!</p>
<p>Not the way it was at our house. Parents can be imprisoned for letting their own kids drink in this state, much less someone else’s.</p>
<p>dke, I’m with you on this one. I have 16 year old boys, and there are no sleepovers/parties until I check on parental supervision. My younger boys (the 16 year olds) do not drink and my older one did not drink until late in college, and then only in moderation. No, I am not naive, and yes, I believe them. They just had no interest, although it was very clear from our family’s value system that it was unacceptable behavior. They have also gravitated to a group of like-minded boys and girls. dke, your 14 year old isn’t “doomed.” ;)</p>
<p>My friend has always been a good parent, good values and very conservative but on this one don’t agree. Its a slippery slope. To me how can you say, “OK, two beers is alright”. Who drinks two beers when everyone else is getting bombed. Plus it puts them automatically in unsupervised situations to get to the two beers in the first place. She’s struggling with this one and I don’t want to seem judgemental because I haven’t been through it (yet?) but if she asks me I’ll be frank. Remember, I’m the one who’s son was invited at 12 to an overnight where the parents served beer until the bday boy barfed. We were the only ones who said our son couldn’t go out of 15 sets of parents. Talk about peer pressure!! Thanks for your feedback. I don’t feel like I’m such a square anymore!</p>
<p>dke, that’s nuts. And I’m so mean, I’d probably call the cops the next time I heard about one of these parties. Maybe ahead of time because I’d be more concerned about straightening out the parents than in punishing the kids, who are simply following their parents’ lead.</p>
<p>I’m a firm believer in “it takes a village.” I want you to tell me if you see my child doing something wrong, and I have no qualms about letting you know that I caught your kid engaging in illegal behavior.</p>
<p>I really think parents miss the boat when they say “well we did it” Well maybe we did but at least WE knew WE WERE NOT SuPPOSED TO". It is amazing to me. We have a zero tolerance at our school and almost every year some senior gets expelled the last month of school and their livid parents don’t understand why…since everyone is doing it. The thing is that we as adults teach our kids that they only have to abide by the rules they want to if we say it is okay to drink underage. So when it comes to cheating, stealing, dwi, and who knows what else - why shouldn’t they think the rules don’t apply to them. And let me tell you I WAS a rebellious child- and I wish my dad was alive today to experience my kids, he may have thought it had all been worth it! The majority of people at our school and neighborhood either have no boundries for their kids, or have them so strangled with rules and restrictions that they have to escape. There is a happy medium but it takes parents who want to parent and not parents who want to be buds or control freaks. And with all that said…even the best kid who knows and normally is very trustworthy can make a mistake. I just don’t have any respect for the parents (those providing alcohol) that help them make that mistake. We have several parents who allow the kids to come there and drink and provide the alcohol and “claim” they take the keys. Drives me nuts!! Of course when their kid is expelled for getting caught drinking they’ll be screaming their heads off!!</p>
<p>Haven’t had this issue with DS1, but DS2 and his friends are more into the overnight party thing. I’ve had parents call me; I’ve called parents. A couple of his friends have wanted to have co-ed sleepovers, which fizzled to girls in the evening, guys-only overnight by the time the party rolled around. (That’s me breathing a big sigh of relief. DS2 has a GF, and while he and I have had many conversations and I am reassured of their intentions, it’s still playing with fire to me. Yes, I know there are other opportunities.)</p>
<p>We don’t serve alcohol, and we stay “around” to make sure no one brings anything in, either. DS2 knows we trust him (heck, he’s the only one in this house tall enough to reach the cabinet where we keep what alcohol we do have) and is secure enough to blow the whistle on anything that might happen here. He also knows he has the “call/no questions asked option” if a situation elsewhere becomes uncomfortable.</p>
<p>But dke, not everyone is throwing free-for-all parties. Thank goodness!</p>
<p>dke, this is NOT the norm. You didn’t say what age your kids are now, but if you have one that’s at least 11 or 12, it’s not too soon to start talking about the bad and dangerous behavior of some teens and what your rules will be in those areas–for example, no unsupervised parties, no alcohol/drugs, no coed sleepovers, etc. While kids are young enough to listen to “black-and-white” rules and to agree in principle (before they become sneaky, rationalizing teenagers!), I think it’s good to give them a preview of what THEIR rules will be so when it’s time to enforce them, there are no surprises.</p>
<p>Stand your ground. It’s hard to be the “mean mom” sometimes, but you will not be sorry.</p>
<p>Thanks, guys. DG, my kids are 14 (son) and 11 (daughter). They know how upset I was about the 12 yr old drinking party and see my reaction when our son tells us about kids in his former school (too wild, we pulled both kids out) who are getting bombed on a regular basis.</p>
<p>
My response to this would be, “Maybe, but I’m not 16.”</p>
<p>If this is what the kids are doing during high school, can you even begin to imagine what they’ll do with the additional freedoms of college??? It boggles the mind.</p>
<p>I think your friend’s son needs new friends, preferably with parents who haven’t completely lost their minds.</p>
<p>serving alcohol to a group of underaged minors is unlawful and cannot be tolerated. However teaching your own children proper use of alcohol is another matter if it is legal in your state. </p>
<p>According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, teenagers who report drinking alcohol with their parents are less likely than others to have either consumed alcohol or abused it in recent weeks according to a nation-wide study of over 6,200 teenagers in 242 communities across the U.S. </p>
<p>Drinking alcohol with parents may help teach them responsible drinking habits or extinguish some of the novelty or excitement of drinking according to senior researcher Dr. Kristie Long Foley of the School of Medicine at Wake Forest University. Dr. Foley describes drinking with parents as a protective behavior.</p>
<p>My take is that I would rather my son be introduced to drink in my house rather than in the frat house even though he is not in a fraternity. ;-)</p>
<p>I agree, Chedva. I could see the writing on the wall at my kids’ old school. Lots of money and parents going on trips, leaving their kids, freedom and fun! Seems more under control where they are now, but I know I need to be vigilant and if my son was hanging around with the party crowd I wouldn’t be thrilled. What if someone got hurt, or gang banged or passed out? S==T happens as we all know.</p>
<p>I’m not sure if we were better parents or if our kids just picked good friends. Both of my older kids found friends that were just not interested in drinking in High School. They were into the school EC’s and getting together and playing games/watching movies/ultimate frisbee/bowling, etc. Even now, as young twenty somethings, the ones that do drink now are very moderate drinkers. </p>
<p>My oldest just had a dozen friends over to celebrate her twenty third birthday last weekend and they went through one (small) bottle of wine and not even a case of beer. They spent the evening talking, laughing and playing games. I know of just one set of parents that were super strict but I believe that none of the parents were heavy drinkers themselves so maybe that also played a part in what was expected.</p>
<p>dke: Drinking parties abound in our town and many kids have been drinking since at least 13 years old with "don’t ask don’t tell " parental policies. We are kind of friends with some of these parents and they strongly believe there is nothing wrong with underage drinking or for that matter a little bit of pot. I remember one mother telling us that her son’s drinking was OK because he only drank on weekends !!</p>
<p>D.D. (15) is friendly with the drinking kids but not so friendly that she needs to go to their parties. The drinkers and non-drinkers have a peaceful coexistence in the school with the understanding that they don’t party together. She has felt no peer pressure to drink but perhaps it is because her peers know better than to try to pressure her to do anything.</p>
<p>The most important thing IMO is to instill the right values in our own children so that they know which choices to make and why. You are obviously doing this, so I don’t think you have to worry. </p>
<p>BTW: originaloog: I fully subscribe to that belief, in fact our daughter has been sipping wine and beer since she was in elementary school, I think. I feel that is a big reason why she has no attraction to drinking.</p>
<p>Thing is, my parents were really wild themselves…lots of parties and I saw my share of really bombed country club types falling down, etc. My parents thought it was all kind of funny and with that attitude I went to college and had a very casual attitude about drinking, too. I drank WAY too much in those days and its a miracle something pretty bad didn’t happen to me. But at least I was in college. The point I’m making is that our attitude about it now does make an impression on how the kids will look at it.</p>
<p>I have to say it is the norm - to have parties when parents are not around, and have drinking parties when parents are around. I live in a area where people have the main house and a guest house, or pool house. Parents do not supervise those parties even when they are home.</p>
<p>I have survived one daughter. She is now 18. We did it by knowing who the parents were - what types of set up they had and whether they truly supervised. She was not allowed to go over anyone’s house without parents there. We accomplished that by calling occasionally to make sure parents were present. If parents were there and drinks were served, we expected her not to drink and drive, this is the part we viewed as our responsibility - we do not expect other parents to police that for us. Her last year in high school we did loosen up our rules. She did sleep over at friend’s house and we knew there were drinks served, but parents were there. We though it was time for her to start exercising some good judgements that we have instilled on her for 17 years.</p>
<p>Lets not kid ourselves that by imposing those rules on our kids wouldn’t cost our kid’s social acceptability. As parents we shouldn’t be cavalier about it because after all social acceptance is what high school is all about. We did what we thought was acceptable to safeguard our kid and at the same time allow her to have a social life. There was a lot of give and takes. We built up a lot of trust with our old daughter and we felt very comfortable for her to go to college, going to fraternity parties or even joining a sorority.</p>
<p>Lets not kid ourselves that by imposing those rules on our kids wouldn’t cost our kid’s social acceptability.</p>
<p>With whom?
Kids of parents who don’t supervise parties even when they are home?
What kind of social circles do I want her to be "acceptable " to?</p>
<p>The above wouldn’t be my first choice. ( or my second)</p>