<p>"Kids of parents who don’t supervise parties even when they are home?
What kind of social circles do I want her to be “acceptable " to?”</p>
<p>Totally agree…This is not about alcohol, per se, IMO…It’s about values, guidelines and boundaries…It doesn’t hurt that a number of 14, 15, 16 yr olds around here have been rushed to the hospital with alcohol poisoning in the last couple of years…Scared the “you know what” out of both of my kids…</p>
<p>OMG well I can certainly see where the problem lies- when the grown ups are so afraid that their kid isn’t socially acceptable because he/she doesn’t go to drinking parties…oh I guess we should include free for all parties, drugs?, I better go get my kid a mercedes because I can afford it and all the other kids have it and I believe that it could affect their social status because many of the other spoiled kids at our school have them. </p>
<p>I would tell my kids that if going to a drinking party in high school causes then to be unacceptable by their friends who do- then a) they don’t really have friends, and b) the people they have chosen as friends must be pretty darn empty individuals.</p>
<p>I would never expect that my kids wont’ ever drink, they know my rules about it, and they choose not to. There are 2 of them so yes, safty in numbers but I do feel sorry for kids who are entering a world where it’s okay to break the law because your friends will like you more if you do.</p>
<p>This is one of the most depressing threads I have read in a while.</p>
<p>Unsupervised parties with hard alcohol were standard at my high school (class of '93). I thought it was ridiculous then, and I still do.</p>
<p>Being an idiot runs in families. The idiot kid who think it’s a good idea to take fourteen shots and then go for a swim often springs from idiot parents who think it’s cool to leave him alone in their huge house for a week.</p>
<p>“after all social acceptance is what high school is all about”</p>
<p>It is? I guess it’s no mystery why kids think this is true if parents are teaching it to them!</p>
<p>God preserve me from being socially acceptable at my high school. Based on the ten-year reunion, I’d say I dodged a bullet.</p>
<p>I agree with the brutal reality that in some high school environments, not attending drinking parties will turn your kid into an outsider. The proportion of kids who do not drink in high school decreases as kids get older, and quite a few of the nondrinkers are people who don’t enjoy socializing anyway (or who belong to ethnic/religious groups that prohibit what most Americans would consider normal teenage social activity, such as dating). It might be literally impossible to have an alcohol-free party because there wouldn’t be enough people who would be interested in showing up. My son went to a high school like that. He couldn’t drink for medical reasons, and he ended up either doing things alone with his girlfriend, who also didn’t drink, or working at his job on weekend evenings, rather than socializing with a group.</p>
<p>In other high school environments, this would not be the case. CountingDown, you especially should not be worried. If past history is any guide, at least half of DS2’s class will still be nondrinkers when they graduate. My daughter, for example, had no difficulty finding groups of people to spend Homecoming and Prom nights with under circumstances where alcohol never entered the picture because none of the people involved would want it to.</p>
<p>As parents we shouldn’t be cavalier about it because after all social acceptance is what high school is all about <<= why I didn’t stay in Bellevue.</p>
<p>Neither one of my kids schools had an “elite” clique.
My older daughters school was too small & my younger daughters school is too busy. My D in high school, participates in lots of school clubs/organizations, goes on retreats, is on athletic teams in school and the community- is gorgeous and has a strong circle of friends.</p>
<p>But she is most apt to spend her weekends home recuperating from her week- rather than the opposite ;).
She will go out with her friends on the weekends-- but it is likely for lunch and a little shopping and maybe some bubble tea.</p>
<p>She knows from watching her sister, that you can have a relatively quiet social life in high school, and that, that is OK. :)</p>
<p>Not everyone needs to be or should be a social butterfly. Particulary if that is not their nature and they need to be intoxicated to do so.</p>
<p>Kids shouldn’t pressure each other to drink- rather they should be doing the opposite- When pressure is applied- IMO, it is to justify their own decisions to indulge.</p>
<p>“Lets not kid ourselves that by imposing those rules on our kids wouldn’t cost our kid’s social acceptability. As parents we shouldn’t be cavalier about it because after all social acceptance is what high school is all about.”</p>
<p>Who needs friends like that?</p>
<p>The negative peer pressure is a key reason we don’t have our kids in the neighborhood high school. Too much drinking and too many drugs and too much emphasis on wearing the “right” clothes and being “cool.” There’s a bit of a brouhaha at our neighborhood school right now because the new principal has cracked down on some of the permissive behavior that has been overlooked by the “kids will be kids” contingent. A principal who wants to put academics first? Quite a shock to some of those parents …</p>
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<p>Now there’s a story I’d love to hear!</p>
<p>My only comment in ‘supervision’ is that when my DD was little I attended the kiddie parties (due to her behavior issues) and went on a few school field trips, and what passed for supervision shocked me. I can still see one birthday girl running around the venue waving her guest’s eye glasses in her hands. Mom was not paying any attention. To expect people like that to suddenly watch kids like hawks is unrealistic.</p>
<p>Both my guys have always hung out with the folks who consider a fun overnight party to involve movies, large quantities of food, computer games and a five-hour game of Risk. They are not in the “popular” crowd, but they have some terrific friends who make good personal choices. DS2 has some new friends this year from his program, and so now I’m getting to know them, too.</p>
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<p>That was absolutely our experience. Some hide up in the master bedroom taking phone calls to say they are home, but they don’t walk through the party or know what is happening. </p>
<p>It is much better to teach your kid personal habits and how to make responsible choices when in a surprising peer setting. This includes calling you for a ride, promising him that you won’t question him (he can walk a block away and you pick him up without embarassment). Just get him home the first time. Once he realizes he can make independent choices about his whereabouts and what he puts into his body, he won’t even like these parties very much. But start with your kid, and don’t think that a phone call that says the parents are home ensures anything.</p>
<p>So, there is a difference between enjoying a glass or wine or a beer, with dinner, with parents and drinking to get drunk. The local counselors at our alcohol treatment facility say that modeling moderation is of utmost importance. My Ss, as older teenagers, were allowed a beer or glass of wine with dinner but we never served to a someone else’s child. We stayed legal and relaxed and fortunately it worked. I’m all for introduction to drink as a natural part of life and all things in moderation. I think that’s orignaloog’s point.
Our town sets kids up for danger just like dke discusses— our house was legal (dry for kids not our own) and the crowds of kids were amazingly respectful. You can do it – it’s not so easy, active limits have to be set, you do have to “be around” ( I made countless dozens of cookies and pizzas)— but it is well worth the effort.</p>
<p>My D’s school had a group of kids that drank, but D & her friends were not interested in those particular students or in drinking … so it was a nonissue. It is more difficult for S, who is at a different school. Almost everyone he knows, at his school (district of choice) and at the high school he would go to in our town, drinks. Kids are really into getting wasted. S is NOT interested. As a result, he isn’t particularly social outside of school. He is slowly accumulating friends with his values … they are few & far between, but they do manage to eventually find each other. He is not opposed to drinking (I imagine he’ll experiment in college), but he is opposed to doing it to be cool … and he feels that that is exactly what is happening when high school kids drink. I know it is hard on him sometimes, because he feels a bit lonely at times. However, he is comfortable with his values.</p>
<p>I ran into a friend in the grocery store a couple weeks ago. She told me about the pressures her D, a senior, is having to drink. This really floored me: The mother of her D’s friend bought alcohol for a party & she charged the kids. My friend’s D does not drink & didn’t pay. The other mom is mad at her for not pitching in! To make matters worse, my friend says this mom works for the school district.</p>
<p>Yes, it’s pretty common for kids to drink. It is NOT, however, necessary!</p>
<p>My d. is an athlete, but hangs out with the nerds and geeks. None of them drink. I don’t know how this happened - from my professional work, I know this is a statistical outlyer, and I have data on drinking and drugging for every high school and school district in the state, including hers.</p>
<p>She has a favorite cafe in town where she holds forth as a local “Dr. Johnson” - the cafe owner gives her free food because she attracts so many customers, and has asked that when my d. goes off to college, whether she can make road trips to come see her, and stay in her room (she missed that with her own kids.)</p>
<p>Beats me.</p>
<p>kelsmom, next time Mom calls you to “pitch in”, tell her that your contribution is not reporting her to the police for serving alcohol to minors! Unbelievable!</p>
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<p>According to TallSon (16) none of his friends drink, and he has not yet been at a gathering where drinking was going on. He’s very social, but also very mature in his choice of friends. He also knows that “no parents home for party” means he can’t go. </p>
<p>The only real problem he’s had with us is our “no being at a girl’s house if Mom and/or Dad aren’t home” rule. He pleads, “But, Dad, you sound like you don’t trust me.” “Damn straight,” says I.</p>
<p>I have data on drinking and drugging for every high school and school district in the state, including hers.</p>
<p>do tell :)</p>
<p>but how do they figure drinking rates for minors?</p>
<p>I attended Lake Washington high school in the 70’s I imagine their drinking rate was high- going by the size of the parties I attended. ( and by the numbers of students I knew who were injured/killed in alcohol related incidents)
Has it come down since then?</p>
<p>My D was not in a big partying crowd in HS, and has been blindsided by the college scene. I’m beginning to think we do our kids a disservice if we send them off as freshmen without at least some exposure and experience.</p>
<p>so what sort of exposure would that be?
How would it be handled?
This isn’t a facitious question I am really curious.</p>
<p>P3t,
We do the “coming through” the room with food on a regular basis, too. Also serves to remind the occasional couple that we DO pay attention…</p>
<p>I’ve posted my scary story of being naive about drinking – got in a car with my boyfriend who drank a pint of vodka. I had NO idea he was drunk. I was stone cold sober, not being into drinking vodka straight. </p>
<p>How to make kids aware? I was an RA at a big state party school, and I have plenty of stories. I’ve told them about my experiences (not that I did anything horrendous). Unfortunately they have seen what the bottle can do in the long run to an extended family member (and the damage it causes the rest of the family). They’ve done the health classes at school, FWIW.</p>
<p>Neither of my kids would know what pot smells like, though.</p>
<p>I went to a very small private school. Weekend parties when the parents were away were a regular occurrence, definitely every week. Some of these parties were hosted by parents who turned a blind eye (the parties would happen in the basements in that case). Most happened by the kid playing his divorced parents off of one another–one parent goes away for the weekend, kid tells other parent he’s staying at parent #1’s, etc. </p>
<p>These parties were never my scene. My group of friends didn’t drink much, and there was some bad blood between me and some of the party-goes/throwers. It didn’t hurt me socially at all because that wasn’t my friend group to begin with, and the group I was in was on the more “popular” side of the spectrum anyway. The parties revolved around alcohol, including getting people drunk for the first time. There was lots of sex, including semi-public sex, destruction of property, and other risky behavior (i.e. driving home, going boating, mixing drugs with alcohol, etc.). There was no class at all, which lots of college kids at least strive for. </p>
<p>Since my school was small, parties often were across grades. It wouldn’t be unusual for 14-year-olds to be going to these parties. Some girls would start drinking toward the end of middle school (in my experience girls start going to these parties first, but that could just be my school’s social dynamics). Another concern in that case is that young girls are getting drunk with older guys, and in my experience there is a lot of sex at these events.</p>
<p>Anyway, I think it’s hard to stop your kid from going to these parties because it’s hard to tell whether a sleepover if legitimate or not. My mom is very “mom-like”–she never tried to be our friend or be cool, and she’s pretty conservative on these things–but even she wasn’t going to call the parents of one of my sister’s best friends every time my sister slept over there, which was often, especially after my sister learned how to drive. Nonetheless, there were sometimes parties at that house. (Though I wasn’t into the drinking scene at my school, my sister was.) DKE’s #18 describes a common background of kids in my area. YMMV.</p>
<p>Kelsmom, on that gal who wanted to charge your D to pitch in for alcohol, you might ask if that mom called upon all the assembled kids to pitch in for “pizza and beer.” If so, this puts your D in a double-bind.</p>
<p>She might say your D didn’t help finance the refreshments, while your D understood correctly not to pitch because she heard that the “refreshments” would include beer. </p>
<p>Your D is right, obviously. I’m just saying how two-faced some adults can be to have things flow their own way, sometimes. They can use ambiguity to put other peoples’ kids in very tough spots, emotionally and socially. Grrrr, and good decision-making on the part of your daughter.</p>
<p>EDIT: Does your D understand that the mom was breaking the law right then? I think your D has great intuition and logic to do the right thing in that tough spot.</p>