Hey everybody. This may seem like an odd post, but I wanted to get everyone’s opinions (especially parents who are helping their children through undergraduate and graduate school). I am currently in my LAST SEMESTER (hurray) at USC for graduate school, and my dad has helped me financially through 100% of it. But, I screwed up and failed one class (I got a C-, which is failing for USC standards) so I’m retaking it this semester, and I took out a loan to pay my dad back (7K). Given that some of my friends have over 100,000 in debt I am extremely grateful. Today my dad came with me to lease a new car, and we got in a bit of an argument. He didn’t want me to get a certain car, but ended up settling on a very nice 2016 Acura. When he was filling out the paperwork, they asked for his monthly income. He said to me: “I almost don’t want them to know how much I make, just so we can negotiate a better price!” As a doctor, I guess he makes $35,000 a MONTH! (Close to 400K a year) I am just in awe. But during our fight, he said "you are going to have to be on your own soon. I will always be your dad. I will always help out your mom, your brother and you when you need it, but I can’t keep doing this forever. Of course that makes sense, but I have always been my dad’s daughter. I just don’t know how to handle everything when I get a job in 2 months. I have never coasted. I work extremely hard. I guess I am just mad at myself for throwing a tantrum. I wanted personal info on what that income means, and if I am being extremely ungrateful. I want to change before I enter the "adult world.
Yes your dad’s income is far above average. It’s his income and it’s his choice on how to spend it. He’s given you a great gift by paying for college and grad school for you. I’m not sure what your question is but It sounds like he’s expecting you to pay for everything when you graduate, as you should. I think your standard of living might be lowered for a while. You are probably starting your career ahead of your peers though and you should be grateful. Nice car and probably a decent wardrobe. Consider that your dad probably doesn’t want to work forever and needs to fund his future retirement. It’s time to take care of yourself. Most of us did it.
It matters not what his actual income is - he has helped you through school, appears to be quite generous, but you are a young adult and time to start doing things on your own.
The majority of young people your age are not receiving brand new luxury cars. Were you trying to get a “nicer” car but “settled” for the 2016 Acura? We bought our S a car for graduation, but he didn’t “tell” me what to buy - instead he accepted what we bought - a decent but modest car - graciously and with gratitude and humility. If you felt entitled to a luxury car, I can see why he reacted with frustration and said “I can’t do this forever.” He’s right.
How will you manage? Like the other 99% of the world, who have a budget and live within it.
Btw, assuming he does make $400k a year, don’t be so quick to assume it’s for you. Half of it goes to the government off the top. i suggest you forget that you ever saw his income. It’s now irrelevant to you.
(Though frankly leasing a car for you was a poor financial move. Buying one in cash, or financing a small portion to build up your credit rating, would have been far smarter.). Does your family lease a new car every year or two? Unless it can be run through a business, it’s a bad habit. My family did this when I was growing up and I didn’t realize that not everyone got a new car each year or two. It was really dumb on their parts.
Yeah. You’re right. It’s not all for me, the taxes are higher. And not that I wanted a “nicer” car, but I wanted one that I had wanted for a long time, and my dad didn’t like how they approached the sale (too aggressive, not being sincere) so he insisted we leave. I guess I was acting like a brat. I re read my post, and if anyone else wrote it, I would think “wow they are so ungrateful.” But I guess I haven’t really asked for much, my dad is just so generous and has always provided for all of us. But I think he’s getting sick of it, and that’s understandable. But at the same time, I think he likes providing for us. I think we are all used to it, so it’s a tricky situation. I just know that I need to do the right thing. And I can see what you are saying about leasing a car, but at the same time there are upsides. First of all, leasing a car (the car I got) was cheaper than buying the car upfront. My dad did not want to pay the monthly payment if we bought it outright (more money). Also, my credit isn’t bad. And even co-signing on a car is better than nothing. Plus, if the car is good in the end, I can buy it outright. I have bought cars before, and maybe I am just unlucky, but they have all been sub par.
I know… Well, he wants me to pay like $100 of the car payment monthly, and then just pay back the loan. He will cover my living expenses, the rest of the car payments, etc. I guess I am just in shock. I really haven’t ever paid for anything before. I know it sounds stupid. But I’m just afraid. Like what if I can’t do it?! Even though I can. Just the natural transition of becoming an adult I guess ha. I just have to stop doubting myself. And yeah, my dad works all the time, and I am sure someday he wants to just be financially responsible for himself, which I would want to do as well!
And my question is more just wanting re assurance that of course parents want their kids to start being responsible for their own lives eventually, and at what age did you stop funding them. Just because this is all I’ve ever known so far. And I know that I want to work hard just like my dad has done, and be financially independent sooner rather than later.
And yes, we always lease cars. You could have a point, I didn’t think of it that way.
There was actually a huge thread on the parents forum last month and the answers varied. Many parents will pay deposit and a couple of months on first apartment and keep child on car insurance and phone plan a while because it’s so much cheaper on the family plan.
It’s scary at the beginning of adulthood but consider the alternative. Do your parents have a basement? 
I have no idea what you’re asking.
Were you wrong for starting an argument in the showroom as he leased a new car for you? I think so. In my opinion, he’s stunting your maturity by floating you with the car. The fact that you phrased it like he was coming along to give his opinion (Today my dad came with me to lease a new car,) rather than the truth that he was leasing a brand new car for you says to me you’re not appreciating what he’s doing for you.
The fact that you’re afraid of “how to handle everything in the adult world” is normal. Nobody knows how to adult perfectly when you’re in your 20’s. (and some for much beyond). It’s a solvable problem. You’ll have a graduate degree, you’ll look for a job, you’ll look for an apartment, and you’ll learn how to manage your life and your bills. None of this requires your parents or their money.
Everybody works hard. No medals for that.
Being “your dad’s daughter” has nothing to do with his wallet.
Haha, no basement! I don’t want to live with my parents (who don’t live together) obviously. But you have a good point.
And they wouldn’t let me. If I came back to my hometown, they would rather buy an apartment for me than have me live with them. I guess that’s their version of being “independent.” I just think that when I was growing up, I took things for granted and didn’t understand how much things costed, and never cared. But now I care. The way I acted bothered me, because I know I should be nothing but grateful. So that’s why I posted on here, so I can learn from my mistakes.
I also have an older brother, who is almost 28, and my dad still covers the majority of his expenses. He has a good job and is working at becoming independent, but I am three years younger than him, and I want to be financially secure way before he even started… so that’s another thing.
What I am asking, MotherofDragons, is when you stopped financing your kids. I want to know what the average parent does, so that I can gain a perspective. I want to be more humble and grateful. I am not perfect, and am not proud of how I acted.
Money is a difficult subject to talk about with other people, because everyone’s different when it comes to how they use it and what it means to them. Your dad is a physician, so the “average parent” doesn’t really apply, other than to say no matter how much or how little your dad makes, it’s HIS money to do with what he pleases. Just because he has more doesn’t mean he should give more.
From my husband’s and my perspective, money (and the withholding of money) was used by our parents as an attempt to control the two of us, so we both became completely independent at a very early age (19 for me, 21 for him-we didn’t get married until much later, but were both independent adults from that age.)
I think you are feeling a little of this both in not liking how you behaved, and with this statement “But I think he’s getting sick of it, and that’s understandable. But at the same time, I think he likes providing for us”. It’s your heart telling you to cut the apron ties, because it’ll give you a better relationship with your dad if you’re not financially dependent upon him as an adult.
Rather than being frustrated or angry, maybe your dad is really just scared for you. You “settled” for an Acura? The environment in which you have been raised has given you a very skewed view of the world, and I suspect your dad sees how unrealistic your views of life may be, and he’s worried.
For starters, take a look at this math: USC tuition is what, $40,000 a year? Let’s say tuition and room & board are $50,000 annually. Take that times 4 yrs undergrad + 2 years of grad school = your parents have given you $300,000 after tax, or around $600,000 pre tax. That means your dad worked about 18 months exclusively for you, not himself, the housing bills, not your brother. Just for you. Have you thanked your parents? I don’t mean a casual thanks, I mean a heartfelt expression of how much you realize both your parents have done for you.
And frankly, if you are about to get your master’s, you are not about to enter the adult world - you’re already there. You can start taking charge of your life now. Take the starting salaries for your field, subtract out tax, then go look at the cost of rental apartments. Subtract the cost of rent amd the cost of the monthly payments on your Acura. How are things looking now? If you can show yourself a positive cash flow, your parents may worry less about your future.
(I might also suggest you try the same excercize using minimum wage as the base wage so you fully appreciate your situation.)
Speaking as a mom of a Trojan, I wish you the best of luck for a terrific future, amd congratulations.
From the Cosby TV show. The Dad is an Obstetrician, the Mom and attorney. The son says to Dad when he wants something “but Dad we’re rich”! Dad says to son “Son your Mom and I are rich, you have nothing!”.
A parents job and goal in life regarding children is to raise them to be independent and productive adults. That is why education is seen as an investment. It is designed to expedite your opportunities to be successful and independent. A car is transportation. The Acura was a luxury. I am going to guess from the information you have given that your father is attempting to give you the opportunities and tools you need to become independent and successful. The more you make of those opportunities the easier it will be. To take you father’s help for granted will likely result in a much more difficult road for you. Good luck.
@Aollie24, other than providing a bedroom, 3 meals/day, cellphone, clothing allowance, and health/dental insurance, I stopped financing my kids at age 14 or so. I am presently helping D pay for college and will do that so long as she maintains good grades. Both kids paid half for their first cars, buy their own gas, pay for their own entertainment expenses, as well as any clothes outside the budget I provided. Honestly, I’ve also tried to take them on vacation a couple of times each year. Probably not “average parent” but an example to show you just how some of the other half (growing up without any discretionary income) lives. Both my kids are fine without brand new cars.
Don’t beat yourself up, what kids wouldn’t take everything offered to them? I fault your Dad for not beginning the process of cutting the financial apron strings a long time ago. It made him feel good, that’s why he did it, but he did you no favors. He sounds like a wonderful father that just realized his daughter is all grown up.
BTW, you ask when parents stopped supporting their kids. For our kids, it was the day they graduated. Both of the, had always assumed that once they graduated they were on their own, and acted accordingly. The only thing we did was keep them on our health insurance until they got jobs.
I get that it’s fun to have nice things. My parents gave me an Audi when I graduated college. My younger sister drove a Porsche in high school. We had first class vacations. I get both that it’s fun for you and makes dad feel good to be a generous provider to his little girl. I had indulgent parents as well.
It starts with things like saying (in the car showroom example) - dad, this is so generous of you and I’m so grateful for all you have done, but I really just need a basic safe car. How about we go look at a Honda Civic? (example) If he then insists on a luxury car, then that’s him being generous versus “giving in” to a demand. See the difference? It sounds like he felt he was giving in to a demand for a certain “level” of car. .
“What I am asking, MotherofDragons, is when you stopped financing your kids. I want to know what the average parent does, so that I can gain a perspective. I want to be more humble and grateful. I am not perfect, and am not proud of how I acted.”
You know the answer already. You know the average parent cannot pay for 4 years plus graduate school full pay, and you know that the average parent isn’t buying Acuras for their kids. You know you’re incredibly lucky.