Vacationing with the boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s family – what’s appropriate?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>This is long, but I need help! I’d love to know what other CCers think/have done about this issue. Our 19 y/o d’s bf of 2 years comes from a well-off family that spends a ton on vacations. They are lovely, generous people, and we’re happy that our d is happy with their son, who is thoughtful, responsible, other good stuff. This week they invited her to go on their week-long Caribbean resort vacation, immediately before the fall college term begins.</p>

<p>I’m not uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangements – the family always gets two rooms on their vacations (Dad in one room with the boys, Mom with the girls). I don’t really mind that d would be away for a week before we drop her off at school. I’m uncomfortable about the money.</p>

<p>I did a quick check on the resort website and see that this kind of vacation, including airfare/food, comes to about $2K per person. Bf’s family has included d in shorter trips (2-3 days) before, and she/we have always booked and paid for her flights separately. She’s always gone with her own money to cover cabs to the airport, personal expenses, and some food. But his parents would never let her give them cash toward the cost of dining, nor would they accept money from us in advance for it. When they’ve returned, d has always written them a nice note and delivered a thank-you gift (treat basket, homemade cookies, etc.). This time, his family wants to handle all the booking details.</p>

<p>I’m troubled because this feels like such an inappropriate gift to accept from someone who isn’t in one’s immediate family. There’s no way we can ever reciprocate – husband doesn’t believe in 2K/person vacations, for one thing, and we’d never be able to work out the logistics, for another. Even if I could convince the boyfriend’s family to let my d pay her own way, she barely earned that much all summer. She has quite a bit of her own money squirreled away and could afford to cover the trip – her dad would not be pleased to see her use it for this, though. :rolleyes: But I can’t talk to bf’s mother at all about the issue of money – when I’ve tried in the past, she completely dismisses my concerns, and I’m left feeling very uncomfortable.</p>

<p>I think his parents want her to go because: 1. the boyfriend will be withdrawn and sad if she doesn’t go, and happy if she does, and 2. having her along seems to have a good impact on their family dynamics (fewer arguments). She is very helpful with the younger kids, and, when she’s around, will drive them to lessons or practices, help with errands, clean up around the house, etc. </p>

<p>Can anyone suggest a compromise? I think d could maybe join them for a long weekend and book her own flights. But she tells me that bf’s mom finds it challenging to book the trip when one of the party leaves/arrives separately. D is resigned to accepting our decision, though she will not be a joy to have around that week if she stays home. Am I wrong in thinking that a week-long vacation is too much to accept? What would you do?</p>

2

<p>Honestly if they are willing to pay for it I would be fine with it. My daughter’s boyfriend’s Mom is talking about paying for them to go on a cruise with her and some friends next year. She wants her son to come and knows he will have more fun with his girlfriend there. If she can afford it and wants to do it then I don’t really have a problem with it. I would love to take a nice trip with both my kids and their other halves and would pay for them all if we had that sort of money (we don’t). It would be as much for my benefit and enjoyment as it would be for theirs.</p>

3

<p>We are probably more in the position of the bf’s family. </p>

<p>If my son were the bf and if I (as the mom) were inviting your d along for the reasons you described, I wouldn’t expect your d to pay at all since, the way you are describing it she “earns her keep” by making this a better vacation for everyone. We’ve given 2K vacations to people not because we are such wonderful people but because it makes for a better vacation for us and because we can.</p>

<p>It is a gift to allow others to be generous. If I were the mom (which I could be in a couple of years - assuming S ever lands a delightful gf like your d), I would treasure the vacation, really appreciate a heartfelt note or thanks afterward, and if your d put together a nice photo montage/album of the trip as a gift for me I would be thrilled.</p>

<p>Let her go. Even if she never does travel like this in the future on her own or with you, this is all part of the new experiences that this time of life is all about.</p>

4

<p>Don’t let your discomfort get in the way of your d’s relationship. Remember that $2,000 to them may be like $50 to you, and what else are they going to spend it on? If it helps, think of it as helping the economy. :wink: Your d. is now 19, old enough to make good decisions about these things, or poor ones, but at least old enough to make decisions. Tell her what you’re feeling, and then leave it alone.</p>

5

<p>We took our D’s bf to Paris. He paid for the airfare. We had a living arrangement that could accomendate him without extra cost. We paid for all meals. He paid for his own incidentals and transportation in Paris. We could have paid for all of it, but I purposely chose not to because I didn’t want to pay for someone’s company for my daughter. I don’t think he would have been happy for us to pay for his whole way either.</p>

<p>In any relationship it’s always better when there is a balance. If it’s my daughter, I would insist on paying for my daughter’s airfare. If I couldn’t at least do that, I wouldn’t want her to go. Room and board could be on them because it would have been no different than if they’ve invited her to their house (they wouldn’t charge for her stay).</p>

6

<p>“… she “earns her keep” by making this a better vacation for everyone.”</p>

<p>My neighbors (who had two sons) were explaining why they ALWAYS invited their S’s steady girlfriends on family vacations: “It’s nice to see br**sts on the other side of the table.” They added that it was also nice to see the sons on their best behavior.</p>

<p>Bottom line: Let your D go, and don’t worry about the money side.</p>

7

<p>Let her go. No problem. If they invited her (which they did) they have no concern about the expenses and as long as your daughter is properly appreciative, which she obviously is, this is a non-issue. My son was taken on a cruise by his gf’s family a couple of years ago. All he had to do was pay his airfare to Puerto Rico to start the cruise and cover (most) of his alcohol tab.</p>

8

<p>While I agree that if the family offers her the trip as a clearly stated gift and it’s clear to the family that it won’t be repaid and if it’s clear that the family can easily afford it, then you or your D shouldn’t feel bad about accepting it, I’d be concerned about accepting ANY gift this expensive from the BF or family. It could be that they feel the relationship is at a different point than your D does and it could be awkward for your D if they think it’s very serious and your D doesn’t. Maybe it’s quite serious or not but it’s something to consider. If this amounts to an over-the-top type of gift then your D might want to skip it. If the $2K cost to them is the same as $50 to you and me, then maybe it’s no big deal.</p>

<p>Edit - Crossed with ‘mini’ on the ‘$2K to them/$50 to you’ scenario - haha</p>

9

<p>I say let her go…especially if you think this is a serious relationship that might end up in marriage some day. </p>

<p>A long time ago, a friend of mine was a law student. He met a young woman who had a good job which paid well. He paid for the kind of dates he could afford…and she began giving him gifts of two tickets to a baseball game, the ballet, a concert, etc. He told her he felt uncomfortable accepting his ticket from her. She said she liked him a lot and enjoyed his company, but since she was no longer a student and could afford doing nice things, she thought he was being just plain selfish to insist that the TWO of them only do things that he could afford when she would honestly PREFER to spend the $ and get to do the kind of things SHE liked. </p>

<p>I think you are doing the same thing. The BF’s family wants to have the kind of vacation they can afford. I can see LOTS of reasons to say that your D can’t go on a vacation with the BF’s family AT ALL. I can see no reason to say that she can if they take a cheaper one–which is what it “sounds” like you’re suggesting.She should decide whether it’s appropriate to accept the gift of accompanying this family on a vacation without taking the cost into account.</p>

10

<p>$2000 is the same to everyone, it’s never $50 to anyone.</p>

<p>My daughter was wined a dined by someone having a very high paying job last summer, plus a large trust fund. He took her to restuarants my husband and I would go to. I didn’t feel comfortable about it. She said “His $200 meal is like a $20 meal to my friends at school.” When it came to breakup, he added up all of those meals.</p>

11

<p>If this boy’s family is as well to do as you intimate, the two grand is probably a very small thing to them, in which case, you can’t expect them to look at it in the same way you do. It sounds like they think very highly of your D, and are inviting her along just as much for the pleasure of her company, as to offer her a fun time. I’m sure they aren’t thinking of it as some kind of “charitable contribution” to benefit S’s “poor under privileged girlfriend”—heck they may even be hoping that she’ll be their daughter-in-law someday. They sound like wonderful people and your daughter, a joy and delight. Why not allow them to pay her way if that’s what they really desire to do?</p>

12

<p>We recently went through an “outsized generosity” issue; the gift was so far outside our ability to reciprocate that we considered not accepting it. Then we thought about the nature of gifts and of generosity, and wondered if our own discomfort should effectively prohibit a gift freely given from another. That’s especially difficult when there is a large economic imbalance. Where we ended up was that we ought not to prevent the giver from giving just because of the economic imbalance.</p>

<p>2nd point: that works both ways: they should accept your contribution of daughter’s airfare becaue that is a contribution that YOU want to make, and they should not prevent you from giving, either.</p>

<p>So your compromise is the best path: both families accepting gifts/contributiosn formeach other. It sounds like this family may not be so receptive, so maybe the communication needs to be other than you with the BF’s mom (e.g., dad to mom, mom to dad) but the topic is “we’d love for her to go but we must insist on paying for her airfare . . yes it’s fine for you to arrange it but you really must let us know what her share is so that we can contribute, too . . . I really don’t feel comfortable about this unless we can work something out . . . thanks for offering but we must insist on paying her airfare.”</p>

<p>Ideally their manners would take over and they would graciously say yes. If they say
“no” my best suggestion would be to say something like “well, let us know if you change your mind, if we can work something out I’m sure the kids would enjoy each other’s company” and hang up and let them make the next move.</p>

<p>Another tack would be to let them have their way, estimate the airfare, and make a contribution of that amount to one of their favorite charities in their name . . my hope is that manners will eventually permit them to accept.</p>

<p>Kei</p>

13

<p>If this is truly just a generous gift, and money is the only real issue, I would let her go. I could see a lot of other issues, but you don’t mention being concerned about other issues, and you know your D, and you know the bf and family. </p>

<p>A few years back, I bought a ticket for my step D’s bf to come with her to visit us, and of course when he decided not to come, we were stuck with the cost of the ticket - no transfers(I wasn’t going to give it to him either). I really felt that the bf should have paid for his own ticket (he was about 25, not 19), but had to go along with my H. I just mention this because your situation sounds like the bf’s family really does not mind paying. Step D married someone we like much better than that guy, and we all went on vacation recently, and yes, we did pay.</p>

14

<p>I’d also say she should go. </p>

<p>My DS dates a girl who is not well off - and while my son doesn’t have tons of money, compared to her he is practically Bill Gates. </p>

<p>The economic differences between them were a problem at times at first but they have learned to deal with them. She is a delight to have along - and I wouldn’t think of having a family event without her being invited. </p>

<p>This sounds like such a family event from their perspective.</p>

15

<p>I think I am a lone voice here…</p>

<p>In my opinion, if my daughter was thinking about marrying this boy someday, I would even be doubly sure she wouldn’t be in any way disadvantaged or be talked about by the other side of family. </p>

<p>When I married my H, his family was a lot better off than my family. His mother bought me a few expensive suits when I started to work. I also thought the money didn’t matter that much to her, after all she was shopping all the time for herself. After we were married, when I had a disagreement with his mother, it did come up in the conversation.</p>

<p>I may be just a bit more sensitive (or a chip on my shoulder) because of personal experience. If you daughter does go, I am sure she’ll have a great time.</p>

16

<p>I think all you need to do is protest a little bit, and then graciously accept.</p>

17

<p>I agree with the majority. Beyond the reality of it being a gift that can be accepted in the spirit it was offered, the other issue here is, for me, your D is an adult who should be learning to make these decisions for herself. Beyond knowing that they needed to earn money to cover a certain amount of expenses during the school year, my kids’ summers belonged to them, not me, when they were in college. How they chose to spend them was their responsibility, not mine.</p>

18

<p>My child had a similar issue about the money also. It is not between bf and gf; it is between suitmates.</p>

<p>The family of one of the suitemates of my child is much more well off than the families of all others in their suite. He and his family are not only very kind to any of his child’s friends but also very generous. When his family visited him last year, they invited many of the close friends and almost all suitemates of his child to dine at a very expensive restaurant (expensive according to our standard, like $70-80 per meal.)</p>

<p>I heard from my child that the “rich” suitemate can afford expensive overseas vacations many times a year if he chooses to do so and often he flies in first/business class for his vacation. But still, many of the suitemates (including my child) feel uncomfortable. They do not want any of the suitemates to pay for the dinner when they take them along. When the parents are not involved, all suitemates will split the cost when they either order out or eat out. The problem happens when the parents visit him and take others out.</p>

<p>This is especially a problem for us because we even can not afford to visit my child during the parent weekend. (I wonder whether he would feel bad when so many parents visit but his do not during that weekend. Why does college still have the parent day? It is so elementary-school-ish.)</p>

<p>Does any parent here have a similar experience? Any suggestion on how to handle this situation?</p>

<p>I should apologize to OP because I have brought up an issue that is not directly related to the question OP raised. But I think my issue is somewhat related in the sense that the problem is due to the imbalance of financial resources.</p>

19

<p>I think in these situations it’s OK for the kid to accept the expensive meal or trip, although he should express his gratitude and should say that he feels bad accepting it. The people with more money probably won’t mind spending it without expectation of reciprocation, but they will think better of the kid if he doesn’t take it for granted.</p>

20

<p>Well the parents are ‘taking them out for dinner’ so I would expect them to pay. When we offer to take my daughter or son and their friends out for dinner we expect to pay. We take them to where we can afford - might be IHOP. Occasionally might be somewhere nicer depending on what we can afford. Totally different from the kids going out together and splitting the costs. I don’t see it as a problem. If it really makes them uncomfortable they can always say no - but we used to like to take the kids friends out (not to $70-80 meals but that is based on our own financial situation). If they do go then make sure they express their appreciation.</p>