Vacationing with the boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s family – what’s appropriate?

<p>I agree more with oldfort, and am a little surprised that so many people feel comfortable with this. I would discourage my 19 year old from accepting such an expensive gift. If they were engaged I might think differently. I’m not even sure why it feels uncomfortable, but it seems to make for an uneven playing field in the relationship. I wouldn’t want my dd to accept a gift that was so expensive that she felt she had to “earn her keep” for it.</p>

<p>I also say let her go. They obviously enjoy her company, and as other posters have said, she is enhancing their vacation just by being there.</p>

<p>I had a somewhat similar situation with D. Her best friend since 2nd grade came from MAJOR money. Over the years she has gone on numerous vacations with them from week long cruises in the best state rooms, the Atlantis, resorts in Scottsdale with hot air balloon rides for just the two of them, Christmas at the Ritz Carleton in Amelia Island, complete with Santa surprising them in their room to tuck them in (at age 14 :slight_smile: ) and many others. Most of these were extended family vacations with Grandma, cousins, aunts & uncles. They knew I could never reciprocate, and always let me know what “a joy” it was to have her there. Several times I was a little sad letting her go over the holidays, but these were trips of a lifetime.</p>

<p>I don’t know if you are in the same city, but I offered and they accepted a couple of times to drive them to the airport and pick them up at the end of the trip.</p>

<p>IMO, it is a long term relationship, so I think it is completely appropriate.</p>

<p>I think it would depend on the relationship. If it were a new boyfriend then it would be an issue. But if a couple have been together for a while and the relationship is fairly serious then I don’t think there would be any element of ‘earning her keep’. If a girl felt like that at all in any relationship at any time, it would be time to get out.</p>

<p>Age and where they are at in their lives comes into it as well. My daughter is 20 and a junior in college and pretty much makes her own decisions about such things, which is what I would expect. The summer after she graduated high school her then b/f parents invited her to go on vacation with them and we nixed the idea.</p>

<p>How long have they been dating? </p>

<p>S1 was invited to go to Mexico with one of his god friends (a guy) and his family. They were to stay in the gated community vacation home of the friends uncle. The Mom really wanted S1 to go because her S would be bored w/out a friend.
She offered up front to pay half of S’s airfare if we would allow him to go.We did. </p>

<p>He got to go to a place we could never have taken him. They pretty much paid all his expenses (food) once there. They told us over and over how much they enjoyed having him on the trip. He came home with most of his spending $$. We had no prob. with it.</p>

<p>I know this may have all been different if it had been a gf.</p>

<p>S1 did go lots of places with his h.s gf’s family and they often paid but it was usually just a meal at Chili’s or the like.</p>

<p>“… it is between suitmates.”</p>

<p>DD wanted to move off-campus into an apartment suite with several other girls. “Send me the lease” I said. It was full of draconian legalese naturally. And while the suite was reasonable with six girls, it was ridiculously expensive for two … and I’m wondering what the chances are of holding this group of teenagers together for a full year. Well the dad of one of the girls had an elegant solution … he wrote an $18,000 check for the first six months rent. It’s not just bf/gf.</p>

<p>mcat2 -

I think a lot of parents don’t go to the designated ‘parent weekend’ for a variety of reasons including cost, travel logistics, other commitments, the fact that they were just there and not much is to be gained on parent weekend, etc., and I think a lot of kids don’t really care one way or the other although some probably do. I don’t think the kid without the parent is going to feel ‘singled out’ or conspicuous because of it although this might vary depending on the particular campus.</p>

<p>When we take any of our kids friends with us on vacation, we always pay for food and basic expenses- admission to a park, maybe a T-shirt, hotel room etc. When flights are involved we expect the flyer to pay their own airfare and we cover the rest. They need to pay for anything they want above and beyond the basics, but we cover the needs and the guest would cover their wants.</p>

<p>DDs have flown to joining friends on trips, DDs pay their own airfare and enjoy the family’s hospitality upon arrival. Seems fair.</p>

<p>If we were to go visit our kids at college (not on parents weekend though, only did that once, too many people and contrived activities, so don’t feel badly MCAT, your kid is not the only one alone) we would normally invite a friend of theirs to join us for a meal and home other families do the same so the kids all get chances to eat other than caf food.</p>

<p>For self-respect, ask to pay for the air fare, then if they never give you a number, mail them a check for whatever a ‘good’ airfare is for that flight online. They can decide to cash it or not, but you are making the sincere effort</p>

<p>I would have no problem with my D accepting a vacation to accompany a girlfriend’s family, but would probably not allow her at age 19 to accept the same vacation from a boyfriend’s family………just too many implications and pressure to continuing the relationship if she desires to end it sooner than he.</p>

<p>Last summer a well-off family, whose daughter graduated with my D, took her bf of 3 years to Europe with them. I’m not sure what happen on the trip or immediately after the trip but the couple broke-up (his idea). Both moms were and still are VERY upset. The girl’s mom is angry because she thinks the bf knew before the trip he wanted to end the relationship, but went anyway. The boy’s mother denies the allegation but is still upset with her son for going on the trip, period. These families had been friends for years and have many mutual friends……….even a year later there are still hard feelings on both sides.</p>

<p>We follow the same guidelines as Somemom.
I would let my child go and offer to cover the airfare. What I find gets confusing is sometime the invitation is not clear as to who is paying for what. My younger D’s BF was going out of town to stay with a relative while her own Mom was out of town. They invited my D along to keep her friend company. They paid for the airfare which was about $90. The day before they told my D she should bring $150-200 dollars for food and activities. I thought it was kind of strange. The relative an older cousin was being paid to watch my D’s BF.
edit- BF in this case is not boyfriend but Best Friend.</p>

<p>Thanks, everyone, for giving me so much to think about! I hadn’t expected the responses here to be so in favor of accepting the trip. Of course my own biases about money have colored my feelings - dh and I grew up in homes where every penny counted, and vacations were very rare things. Thankfully, our circumstances are much different today. Even so, we’ve never spent that kind of money on travel (and the bf’s family does this several times each year), so it’s hard for me to get people who are comfortable inviting someone else along on what would be, to us, a major expenditure. This is a $14,000 vacation we’re talking about (7 people at $2K apiece).</p>

<p>oldfort, blankmind, and I are coming from the same place, I think. While I understand garland’s point in post #17 that my d should be in the process of learning to make these decisions herself, I feel that she still can benefit from her adult mother’s viewpoint on matters of finance and obligation. (Believe me, I know it’s her summer and not mine. My summers are remarkably like all the other seasons of the year. Hers has been great, thanks!) I feel there is a fine line here between accepting a generous offer and freeloading, and I would like her to be on the polite side of that line.</p>

<p>So many encouraging opinions from so many smart people will make for a more pleasant summer for all of us, I think. I’m leaning toward telling her to pay for her airline ticket (she can afford it and I think she needs to be invested in this to be properly appreciative for the rest) and have a nice week. Thank you all again for taking the time to share your wisdom!</p>

<p>Some of you say you feel uncomfortable accepting gifts when you couldn’t possibly reciprocate. Why is that? Assuming that you don’t think there are invisible strings attached, why are you uncomfortable allowing a person to be generous? </p>

<p>We need to know how to give a gift, but we also need to know how to accept one. Turning down a freely offered gift can be insulting. </p>

<p>As to how to reciprocate, I say, reciprocate in the way that fits your lifestyle. In this case, this could be inviting the boyfriend to family events, home-cooked dinners, or whatever outings your family enjoys.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t use the term freeloading in this situation at all, frazzled1 (now if your D had invited herself, that would be different…). While it is on a smaller scale, the parents of my D’s boyfriend (of about 6 months, from freshman year of college) paid for plane tix this summer for each of them to visit the other’s family for a weekend. I am not sure of all the reasons, but I suspect that having each of them get to know the other’s family better might have been a factor. If the kids (your D or mine) marry these young men, they are also marrying into their families. Best if everyone is very familiar with what they are getting, in my opinion… So the family of the bf gains something in this as well, in my opinion.</p>

<p>My advice would be to be gracious and accept the gift, but make sure D takes money for her own incidentals.</p>

<p>Answering a few questions that were raised upthread: they’ve been dating for almost 2 years. They’re mutually serious, and both families are happy about their happiness. His family has always reminded me of the Kennedys a little bit - an attractive, well-off, athletic bunch with big smiles. Though my older d thinks they’re like the Borg from Star Trek. You know - “Resistance is futile.” :D</p>

<p>I am totally with MOWC. And frankly I think it would be rude to insist on paying the airfare when they have explicitly indicated that they wish to. There is nothing “mannerly” about rejecting sincerely offered generosity and hospitality. Let your D go, have her thank them profusely and send a nice gift afterwards. If you think D should contribute somehow, have her pick up the tab for a dinner or a shared activity on the trip if feasible. </p>

<p>The solution of having her go for only part of it is a bad one since it inconveniences them and makes the logistics more difficult, they have to waste part of their vaca trekking to an airport, etc. </p>

<p>If I were in a position to offer this kind of generosity, I would give the gift freely and that’s that. $2k for them may be the equivalent of $50 for you in which case so be it.</p>

<p>We had a similar situation to the above poster. DS is starting Sophomore year this fall. Has been in a relationship with a lovely young woman for about 6 months. They met at school and seem pretty serious. She is a Sophomore as well. </p>

<p>GF lives several states away. We paid for DS to fly down once and paid for GF to fly up. It was only $200 and we were happy to pay it to get to know her better. DS flew back with her on his dime. She may fly up before school starts and DS will pay (only about $100 since he has a travel voucher).</p>

<p>Her parents were glad to get to know DS better and we were glad to get to know her. And they got to spend time together. Her parents sent a very nice thank you note as did the GF. </p>

<p>I agree with the majority - let her go.</p>

<p>I would let her go. We have taken various and assorted significant others of our Ds on vacation many times and have paid for their trip. We never expected to be reimbursed for an invitation that we had offered. We also have never expected the significant other, or his family, to reciprocate in kind. The families reciprocated in many other ways, by including our Ds for their own family celebrations, or a special trip to visit a grandmother, or to chop down their Christmas tree, and even the occasional trip to their family summer cottage, and generally, for most of them, by treating our Ds well. Reciprocation doesn’t need to be dollar for dollar, in my opinion. A sincere thank you, a little help during the trip (which would be expected of my children, as well), and a nice note afterwards are always appreciated. I’ve always taught my Ds that it is polite to accept, and express gratitude, when someone extends an invitation or a gift. The nature of what they’re being invited to, or what the gift is, is irrelevant.</p>

<p>Put it in a diff context. When I was in college my parents would come up and take me and my girlfriends to the nicest restaurants in town. That’s how they wanted to spend their money and they were delighted to invite my gfs, who expressed thanks, wrote thank you notes, etc. When their parents came, they took us to the local diners or similar places. Oh well! It’s not a contest. </p>

<p>Anyone ever had an elderly relative who gave your kids a check for $50 or whatever on a birthday, and you wished they’d just kept the money since they were on a fixed income and the kids wanted for nothing? You wouldn’t insult them by turning it down though, it would hurt their pride. Same thing here. If the mother dismisses your offer to pay, don’t insult her by writing a check. Send flowers or a gift or something else.</p>

<p>Not that you’d have her answer in time for this trip, but I think you should send this question to Miss Manners!</p>

<p>You know what MM would say, though. She’d say accept their generosity, be appropriately gracious and thankful and don’t tarnish a lovely gesture by creating an argument over dollars and cents. </p>

<p>OP, the family sounds gracious. If they are indeed at the social class you describe, be aware that D may be viewed as a bit unsophisticated if she insists on paying for the ticket. (not offers–but insists). Honestly, they will be a lot more impressed by her charm and manners if she sends a lovely thank you gift or prearranges and and to pick up the tab for one night’s dinner than if she writes a check for the plane ticket.</p>

<p>It sounds like a lovely and genuine invitation issued by a generous, welcoming family that appreciates your D. I’d let her go and enjoy herself – and respond with appreciation and a nice follow-up note and small gift. Drawing attention to the financial details or broaching the topic of paying for airfare would be awkward IMO. Oh, I just saw that Pizzagirl mentioned treating the family to dinner one night. I had the same idea.</p>