<p>Thanks again, everyone, for the helpful advice and suggestions!</p>
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Seriously? That’s pathetic. Did he expect a check or something?</p>
<p>I think you hit the nail on the head, frazzled, when you say the boy’s parents are inviting her because they all have more fun when she’s there. We often invite other kids on trips because they add so much to our experience. We pay the bill, and are happy to be able to do so, and to share trips with our kids and their friends. I’m guessing from the BF’s parents’ point of view, they are holding their breath, hoping you’ll accept the offer. </p>
<p>Whether you daughter contributes or not probably doesn’t matter, but I do love the idea of her hosting a meal or outing sometime during the trip.</p>
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<p>I don’t know that that’s what MM would say, given what I’ve read in her columns and books over the years. I certainly wouldn’t want to put words in her … ahhhh… pen, I suppose that would be, and I do think this is an excellent question for her!</p>
<p>If your D is not able to suss out the details of any restaurants or outings in advance, two other suggestions are to prearrange to have fruit baskets waiting in the hotel rooms for the family to enjoy, and / or to arrange to have a gift certificate for a spa treatment at the hotel for the parents (if she thinks they would enjoy that type of thing and if she thinks the schedule would permit them to take advantage of it – some people are more hang-around-the-hotel types and others are more go-go-go).</p>
<p>If she is good with a camera, she might also take pictures and then bind them in some nice scrapbook afterwards. That would be a lovely gift too.</p>
<p>She might consider calling the hotel concierge; he or she may have some ideas.</p>
<p>Go for it, owlice! MM rocks, IMO!</p>
<p>I think she rocks, too, but this isn’t my question, darn it!! (I am tempted to steal it, however!! Shhhhh… please don’t tell on me!! 
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<p>Mr. Payne - He actually told her how much money he spent on her, he thought she should have been a little bit more grateful and put out more. My daughter told him that she has gone to better restaurants, the kind of money he’s spent on her couldn’t even buy 5 minutes of her time. </p>
<p>She was barely 19 when it happened and was very naive at the time. She has gone to many of those restaurants with us for special occasions, she didn’t think it was unusual. As an adult I knew what it meant for a young man to spend 200-300 on a dinner(he took her out multiple times), no matter how much money he had. She told me later she would not do it again.</p>
<p>Her current bf comes from a family with more modest means than us. I like the young man, so I go out of my way not to make him feel uncomfortable. I am careful not to pay for too many things for him, even though it would be easy. I also try to put myself in his parents’ shoes and try to stay within my boundary. When he comes to visit, we eat in more. For his birthday, my daughter wanted to buy him a very expensive briefcase. I advised her against it. She got a more moderate briefcase at 50% off. For her birthday, he used his first paycheck from his summer job to get her a very nice camera.</p>
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<p>That’s a good question. I think it has to do with growing up poor and having people give you stuff because they feel sorry for you. It was mortifying to me growing up. There’s another side to being generous, and that’s allowing the recipient to maintain their dignity.</p>
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<p>It could be insulting, but not necessarily so. I think the size & expense of the gift, plus who the person doing the giving is, make a big difference. If your grandma gives you a trip worth a couple of grand, that’s a lot different than your boyfriend’s mother doing the same.</p>
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She should have told him there were more direct ways to pay for sex if that is what he was after. Ugh - what a creep. Your daughter was well out of that relationship!!</p>
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<p>But what is a meaningful expense to you (not you personally of course) may not be a meaningful expense to someone who is more well-to-do. It may seriously be as trivial to them as, say, treating your kids’ friends to popcorn and a movie was when they were 12 years old.</p>
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Ahhh, I didn’t realize there was a $/sex ratio that needed to be abided by. LOL.</p>
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<p>I take it there is no hint of this in the OP’s situation. From what the OP said, the boyfriend’s family wants to have her daughter join them. The OP didn’t tell us about any patronizing remarks. And, happily, there didn’t seem to be any of this:</p>
<p><a href=“From%20a%20different%20poster%20about%20a%20different%20situation”>quote</a>: He actually told her how much money he spent on her, he thought she should have been a little bit more grateful and put out more.
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<p>That’s disgusting, and would be disgusting no matter what amount he spent on her. How dare he think she was for sale?</p>
<p>Wow - this seems like such a no brainer to me. They invited her so they pay. I’m sure that’s what they intended and I think there is no reason not to accept.</p>
<p>I think it’s fine for your D to accept the family’s offer and go along as their guest and have a great time. She sounds like a positive addition to a family outing and they want to have her there. My mom has a saying: “you must learn to be a grateful receiver.” (As in, let others help you when they truly want to.)</p>
<p>Let her go. </p>
<p>I have been in the BF’s parents’ shoes. We are blessed with the ability to ask D’s friends along for nice dinners, and even short trips. D has a long time (2 1/2 years) BF who is just the nicest kid. He is hard working and polite, sincere and genuine. His dad walked out on him mom when he was very young, and she has worked hard her entire life. She is clearly uncomfortable when we all get together for dinner. She wants to pay for her and her son. We invite her and son along as our guests, and there are times when it really hurts me that she won’t accept my offer, or she feels bad when I pay. I think that this is a time when it is much easier to give than to receive. I like to be able to pay. It does not bother me at all. I am blessed with a career that lets me ask. I think we ask in such a gracious way. We often have younger D and her BF along. It is just not a big deal to pick up the check and pay.</p>
<p>I have a hard time figuring out how it is in this situation where my feelings are hurt when BF’s mom won’t accept and her feelings are hurt just because I asked. Sometimes now, we just don’t ask. It is too awkward, and I do not want it to be AT ALL. We wanted to ask BF along on a recent trip, but just didn’t. It would have been awkward. She would have insisted she pay for things that she could not afford. We certainly did not want to create a hardship. So he didn’t come. And D thought about what a fun time we would have had with BF along. </p>
<p>If they have been dating for 2 years and it is a serious relationship, let her go. She wants to go, they really want her to go, and they will truly all have more fun if she goes. A new addition to an old family mixes up the trip, and makes it different than just another boring, old family trip. And family members tend to be better behaved–less whining and less complaining, They will have a blast. And if she doesn’t go, they really will feel a little hurt that you would not let her join them. Send her with spending money. She can pull it out, and if they tell her to put it away, it’s OK. She can pay for personal things or incidental or things to bring back for the family. If they love her, let them include her.</p>
<p>Growing up my family did not travel much, they could have, but my Dad traveled for work and had no interest in going anywhere on his vacations. He still has no interest in travel.</p>
<p>One of my sisters and I lucked into relationships with other families who took each of us, over time, to places near & far, taught us skiiing, water sports, camping, etc and seriously broadened our horizons. Both of us are still very interested in all those activities we experienced through other families while my other sibs really don’t do any of that. My sister and I are both still grateful to those familes for including us, sometimes we paid a share, some times not.</p>
<p>On the other hand, I have a dear friend who is very well off, paying a full fare $50k+ education with no aid, has money, has connections, etc. Her child had a best friend in HS who qualified for a full financial package from a top school for university. That friend accepted all the largess of the well to do family and sometimes the mom did get annoyed, it was not the giving, it was the attitude of almost expectation that developed over time. She felt the kid expected it.</p>
<p>Both kids are still friends and both have big money jobs, so I am sure it all worked out, but no matter what you do, accept a gift or not, it is easy to not realise the other person is hurt by something. </p>
<p>I like the idea of buying a meal, but didn’t the OP say it was an all inclusive resort</p>
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<p>I’d have a lot harder time taking such a trip from my grandmother, knowing that she’s on a fixed income and knowing that she would be better off saving her money. One typically knows no such thing about one’s boyfriend’s parents’ finances, so they have to be taken at face value!</p>
<p>"They invited her so they pay. I’m sure that’s what they intended and I think there is no reason not to accept. "</p>
<p>I’m with cartera45. My boyfriend has come with me on family trips where we rented a vacation house for a week. My mother used frequent-flyer miles for my boyfriend’s ticket as well as mine, and would not have accepted if he had tried to help pay for the house. I was happy to have him along, the whole family got to meet him and enjoy his company, he got a great trip for free – everybody wins.</p>
<p>He did offer to take my parents out to dinner one night. I thought that was a nice, appropriate gesture, and all the reciprocity that the occasion called for.</p>
<p>We scheduled a family trip to Aruba over New years (to celebrate DH’s birthday- it was a significant milestone and thats what he wanted) just after older s broke up with his gf. So not only did we invite/take younger s’s gf with us, but we invited a male friend of older s to come with us so older s would have someone to pal around with and would not be sad over new years. It was our pleasure to have them with us, and we paid for everything (except sometimes at night they went out and paid for themselves. In the hotel and hotel bar we let them put it on the room). Yes it was extravagant but a ton of fun (rented dune buggies, went on a sailing/scuba diving trip, etc) but I am thrilled that we had both guests. Older s’s friend was skiddish at first but ended up coming along and it wa a blast. Let her go, and let her enjoy the memorable opportunity. For us it was like having 2 additional kids, and it almost felt awkward when one of them tried to pay for something (and both were financially able to do so). </p>
<p>Hope she has a blast!</p>