<p>I’m with oldfort. I would insist on paying the airfare if your D is able to pay. I would feel differently if the family was a girl friend instead of a bf. I wouldn’t want my D to feel the least bit obligated in any way on any issues present or future. That’s just how I was raised. I will also tell my d not to accept a $2k gift from her bf or his family. We’ve invited significant others of both kids to our summer house, but they paid for their tickets and we provided the rest.</p>
<p>I don’t get how your D might somehow feel obligated on some issue if airfare is paid but not feel so if everything but airfare is paid. If that is the case, then somehow she has gotten the message that something is owed when a gift reaches a certain amount. That is completely arbitrary and makes no sense to me. Wouldn’t it be better for her to know that no matter how much something is worth that is given to her, she should not feel obliged to do something that she wouldn’t already do? For you to suggest that the amount matters is sending the wrong message.</p>
<p>Why the airfare and not the room? Why that piece? Look, one really nice dinner for the family can cost what the airfare costs. Do it that way. It’s more gracious for the fa
ily to receive a pleasant surprise at dinner than to force a check into their hands. </p>
<p>You also don’t want the D coming across as a rube. And “insisting” will make her look as though she is uncomfortable in the world the family inhabits. There is a concept of nonchalance that serves one well, and searching out the costs of gifts given to you doesn’t include it. Note that nonchalance can coexist with gratefulness and appreciation which undoubtedly the D already exhibits.</p>
<p>We have taken a gf on vacation with us and were very happy to be able to extend the invitation. As someone stated earlier, we loved the opportunity to see the kids interact and to get to know the gf better.</p>
<p>The family may feel that your D buying them dinner may be too much, but might be very receptive to her offering to make them a home cooked meal at their house either before they go or after their return.</p>
<p>For those who think it’s mannerly to insist on paying airfare, how would you feel if you had people over for dinner, served steak, lobster and an expensive wine and your guest came up and pressed money into your hand to cover the cost of part of the meal? Same concept, really.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s the same thing, unless the whole trip is inclusive (air, hotel and food). If I invite friends to my house for a few days, I would expect my friends to pay for their transportation (air or car), and I would be responsible for their room and food. It would be out of ordinary if my friends would expect me to pay for their transportation, just as it would be strange for me to ask my friends to chip in for food while they are at my house. When our kids have their friends over, we always pay for their meals. This would be the same if OP’s daughter were to be invited to the bf’s family home. She would get herself there, but it would be perfectly normal for the parents to take them out to dinners and provide food for her while she is a guest at their house. Now, if they so choose to move the family to a different location (vacation) and invite her to visit, it would be acceptable for her to pay for her transportation in getting there, and accept their hospitality while she is there.</p>
<p>My daughters have been invited to visit their friends at their vacation homes - Colorado, Italy, FL. It is expected we would pay for air, they would pay for most of meals, and our kids would be responsible for various incidentals. This is usually what’s expected if money is not an issue for anyone. When there is an issue with money for someone, some parents would offer to get a “free” ticket using frequent flyer miles. The question is how often would you want to be on the receiving end. With friends it’s often a one time deal, but with bf/gf situation it could be a recurring situation and I don’t know if I would want my daughter in that situation.</p>
<p>When we took ds’s gf, they thanked us by taking us out to dinner. The other family (of the friend of older s’s) said they were going to take us out, but somehow that never happened. No matter. It wasn’t necessary. It was our peoasure-- it was our invitation to bring the kids and there were no strings attached. It was our pleaseure, and wew were fortunate to be able to handle the rather HUGE bill.</p>
<p>oldfort - apples and oranges. I’m not sure how to even explain it, but inviting people to visit you and planning a vacation and inviting a friend of a child along are two completely different things. If a family invites someone and secretly wants the person to offer to pay for some aspect of the trip without being clear on that, then shame on them. Hopefully an adult can express the difference - “we’d love for Susie to join us and would only ask that she pay for airfare” as opposed to “we’d love to take Susie on the trip with us” with no mention of money. What adult wouldn’t be clear on that?</p>
<p>Why do I feel that OP’s daughter should pay for her airfare? Because the OP said she could afford it and she wanted to go. I’ve been taught to pull my own weight.</p>
<p>Why do some of you pay for your child’s college cost yet insist the child pay for books and spending money ? Same logic.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>But that’s not what we’re talking about, oldfort. We’re talking about the other family explicitly inviting the daughter on vacation, AND explicitly indicating that their desire was to pick up the entire tab, because that’s how they want to entertain their dear friends.</p>
<p>I have to LOL at the
</p>
<p>No, that’s what’s expected when money IS an issue. We are talking about people to whom money ISN’T an issue, for whom the extra ticket is as inconsequential as a box of popcorn at the movies. </p>
<p>To cartera’s point:
</p>
<p>Exactly.<br>
Whatever - I still think that if you’re talking about a well-to-do family for which this type of travel and lifestyle is the norm, then if the family expresses that they want to take her on the vacation and wouldn’t dream of having her pay for anything, then that’s what you do (with the appropriate thanks, thank-you gift, etc.). I think if the daughter does anything beyond offer politely and then back down when the parents say, “Oh, dear, don’t even think about it, it’s our pleasure to have you” she runs the risk of coming across as a naive, easily impressed rube who isn’t familiar with how people more well-to-do than her live their lives. It would be as rube-ish as if they took her out to a nice dinner and she stood there wide-eyed and said, “Golly, I’ve never seen a place THIS nice before!” When you’re dealing with people who have more money than you, the last thing you want to do is come across as intimidated and uncomfortable, and I think pressing airfare money into the hands of someone who has explicitly said it’s their pleasure to host you comes across as someone who just doesn’t know how to act and behave in other social circles. It says that you’re thinking about the money as if the money’s the really big deal, as opposed to the graciousness of figuring out how to thank them appropriately (with flowers, a gift, etc.). Sorry, to me it comes across as a lower middle class reaction to an upper class lifestyle.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Yes. That’s what’s expected in THAT situation. This isn’t THAT situation. This is a different one, where parents have explicitly said that their desire / wish is to pick up the entire tab. We’re not talking about a girl who is trying to get something for free by not offering to pay for her airfare and unduly burdening her hosts. We’re talking about a situation in which the parents have already indicated their desire is to pay for it, and who don’t have a desire to have the $300 or whatever pushed into their hand.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>No, it’s not the same logic, because my child is my responsibility. Anyway, don’t look at me. I fully intend to pay for my children’s books and some reasonable amount of spending money.</p>
<p>
I thoght that was the “skin in the game” logic, which doesn’t really apply here.</p>
<p>There’s something about this … well, you will tell me if I’m off-base, frazzled.</p>
<p>It’s this —>
</p>
<p>Why is D asking you to make the decision? My college kids never ask me to make decisions about where they’re going, with whom, or any arrangements. 2 of them are spending the summer working on the other coast, and didn’t ask for my permission. When my oldest was your D’s age, he took a summer road trip from Cambridge, MA to San Francisco, and when I uttered sounds of protest he said “I’m not asking your permission, Mom, I’m just telling you that’s what I’m doing.” His gf, who was only 18, did not ask her parents’ permission either.</p>
<p>This is in no way to disparage your daughter, but just to wonder if there isn’t something more going on here. Of course she will pout if you say no to this trip, but might she also be a bit relieved? Sometimes kids just want the parent to be the “bad guy”. Maybe she sees that there is something wrong with this, is not sure what, but is hoping that you will know and make this decision for her.</p>
<p>This is kind of a tip-off:
</p>
<p>It is likely cheaper to pay for your daughter’s trip than to hire an au pair (not to mention someone to keep the adults on their best behavior). (wait … she cleans their house?) Your daughter sounds wonderful. Maybe she would like to relax on her vacation and not be treated like hired help, though, and doesn’t know how to tell them. It’s a lot of pressure to be required to keep everyone’s spirits up on a “vacation”.</p>
<p>See, I don’t think it’s about the money at all. I think I, as the mom, would politely decline this trip, saying “I’m sorry, ‘Megan’ has a family event that week that she forgot about”, and then plan that special family event to treat your wonderful daughter.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>It’s nice that these people can pay for people to amuse their children. Whoever said ‘money can’t buy love’ never met this BF’s parents.</p>
<p>Good luck with this, frazzled. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I’m a proud person and I don’t like to hear of anyone, especially a young lady, being treated like the court jester.</p>
<p>Hoo boy. When people want to invite somebody and pay for them, they will often say things to make them feel better about accepting, like: “You always help out so much! It’s more fun when you’re along,” etc.</p>
<p>Why did the parents offer to pay? They offered because they thought it would be a hardship for the OP’s daughter to pay. It is nice they were considerate, but they were also making a statement/judgement about OP’s financial situation.</p>
<p>In my kids’ high school circle (lack of better word), there isn’t an issue with money (at least not this kind of money). It would be unusual or even insulting if someone should offers to pay. Most of us are not wealthy, but we (parents or kids) could afford to pay for airfare without it being a hardship.</p>
<p>A very wealthy friend of my D1 invited her to fly on their private jet to Italy for the summer. The mother said to me, “My husband and I will be very busy, it would be less lonely if Mary had a friend along.” I thought to myself - my kid is not someone’s paid companion, if she wants to go to Italy we’ll take her, thank-you very much.</p>
<p>
This is my point–you took this as an insult, when it was probably not intended that way at all. They were trying to say, “It’s OK for you to accept this, because it’s not really an exorbitant gift, and you aren’t obligated–in fact, we also benefit from the arrangement.”</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Thank you for the instruction on how not to have a lower middle class reaction to an upper class lifestyle.</p>
<p>It seems some of you are presuming that the bf’s parents have some ulterior motive, entertaining others, helping kids, cleaning up, etc. Why is it not possible that they are just truly generous people who enjoy her for no other reason that she is a delightful girl who happens to love their son?</p>
<p>Wow, oldfort, I am surprised by your reaction to that invitation. Unless there’s a reason to approach these folks with skepticism, I would interpret the comment very differently.</p>