<p>This is what I would like to understand, megpmom. There certainly must be some people who are bad parents and do not love their children, and they most likely do not volunteer. </p>
<p>So other than bad parenting and ignorance, which I assume you are saying is one reason why some parents do not volunteer, why doesn’t every parent feel the responsibility to volunteer? Perhaps they think they are too busy to give a couple of hours per year, so they donate money instead. But what about the others? Are they simply satisfied that a few “energetic and dedicated” volunteers are happy to bear the entire burden for the entire parent community? That is presumptuous and most likely inaccurate. Maybe they think their kids’ schools are already the best they can be and have everything they need to compete globally?</p>
<p>I also wonder about those who do not contribute to the school in any way: When their kids use new computers or receive new books or awards, or talk to new counselors, for example, that were researched, fund-raised, and purchased by other parents, do they care at all that they did not contribute in any way to the school?</p>
<p>I have thought a lot about this over the years, and really would like to know.</p>
<p>Assuming that this is an honest question and not just excess self-righteousness-
Everyone does contribute to the school (assuming its public) by paying taxes. This may be inadequate, but that should be changed. The model of sustaining a school through parent volunteer efforts is a poor one. Invariably it benefits the children who need it the least. If someone wanted to guilt-trip me (and the rest of my community) for not paying enough taxes, they would have a point. But I don’t really feel a moral obligation to staff a bake sale at my kids’ already overenriched school (so many extras like field trips and consultants that the basics get lost). Yet no one seems to be urging me to contribute to the larger community of schools. Although I’ve run into some truly altruistic parents who volunteer, the vast majority are trying to benefit THEIR kids - often in very obvious and in equitable ways.</p>
<p>I was also a single parent of two kids (not by choice) working only one demanding job, and with no family around to lend a hand. I don’t think many people understand how hard that is. Yet I was required to get a babysitter and staff a darn Bingo night. You may say everyone can do something, but schools and parent groups want what they want. I gave checks (and no not everyone can), but I was still expected to help out in the classroom and staff events. It was extremely stressful for my family, especially when I had one in kindergarten and one in diapers.</p>
<p>I did what I could but I resented and still resent the pressure, the lack of understanding, and some of the stupidity of it. And as for the new computers, the consultants, the endless field trips - I would have wanted the parents all to relax and make do with a little less (yeah I think we’d do fine globally), but alas that was not my choice. And if you insist on having these things, you really should share with the other schools in the community. I’ve never seen that though (it is starting to be legislated). </p>
<p>In my community the most active parents were generally rewarded with choice of teachers, and activities… But I think if a parent feels lake she is being taken advantage of - stop doing it. But please understand, not everyone can do what you do, or thinks the way that you do. It’s your choice.</p>
<p>Well, for one thing, not every school is that welcoming of volunteers. I am very active at my son’s high school, but I can guarantee you that they are not prepared for thousands of parent volunteers and would turn them away if they were suddenly flooded with offers of help. Today at a school governance meeting they were saying there was a real need for parents to enter data - update phone numbers etc. But then the AP said that privacy issues prevented parents from getting on the computers – the college counselor could use volunteers but can’t let parents near sensitive private material, etc. Sure, there are parents supporting band, play productions, etc. but our school doesn’t create enough opportunity for every parent. I don’t think that’s unusual at the high school level. </p>
<p>As for elementary schools, I’ve known many teachers who made good use of parents in the classroom. Others, however, don’t want parents in the classroom – they find it is easier to run their classroom without depending on volunteers showing up (and, conversely, not showing up), the petty volunteer politics that can occur and the fact that parents sometimes overstep the boundaries. In fact, it often takes a special principal to handle a school filled with lots of involved parents because these parents often develop a sense of entitlement and believe that their volunteerism entitles them to request teachers, etc. </p>
<p>Also, some parents don’t volunteer in schools, but spend endless hours coaching kids in little league (or even running the league) or teaching Sunday School. You can’t assume that because a parent isn’t visibly active in a school setting that they are not volunteering somewhere that is also important. Also, as someone pointed out, some parents are doing more for the school if they work at their job and donate more money than if they take time off of work to work a bake sale. Or perhaps their volunteer efforts are directed in areas that don’t affect their children directly – raising money for cancer research, etc. but benefit society as a whole and their children in the long-run. </p>
<p>I think some parents don’t recognize the need or, as in everything else in life, assume that someone else will do it. And some people need to set limits on what they can do either for health reasons, because of the demands of an ill family member or an infant or special-needs child or because of the demands of their job. Should President Obama be volunteering at his kids’ school? Would that that really be the best use of his time?</p>
<p>I spent years and years at my kids activities being ‘that’ volunteer. I was on the board, the one you called, the organizer, younger kids always in tow. I saw it as a season in my life that I had the time and it was a gift because not every parent has it. I volunteered for my kids, but also for the kids whose parents couldn’t. I never, ever thought for one single moment that one was a bad parent. Let alone thought a hypothetical single mom working two jobs should spend her few extra moments with the school!</p>
<p>Even in high school I became very involved in my kids activities, acting as an assistant to one of their teachers/coach for their academic team. I was there more than 20hrs/week. Again, I never thought about parents who weren’t around. We had one year we actually had to discourage parents because a group had been so destructive to the team the previous year. It was easier to do things with a a couple of us then have a gaggle of parents undermining coaching at competitions. As much time as it was, I loved those kids. When a batch would leave for college my heart would sink. The parents were always thankful for the time we spent, rides we gave, meals we served. For years I did this…now I can’t because I’m ill. I miss the kids terribly. I feel lost not being there. We do have a few new parents who have stepped up, which is important…it brings new ideas. I would be devastated if I thought for one moment a parent who didn’t know me was making a judgement because I haven’t been at the school this year. I would be crushed if anyone looked at my kids with the stigma that is being suggested…bad parenting and ignorance.</p>
<p>I would caution anyone against making judgements. If you have the time, money, and health…consider yourself blessed and offer what you can with warmth in your heart for your child and their classmates. Forget about keeping score. Frankly, it’s petty.</p>
<p>I was lucky to be home and volunteer at the elementary school when my kids were small. I am now that hypothetical single mother working three jobs, not two. I spend my “free” time taking my kids to lessons, activities, helping them stay on track with homework (and last year college apps and auditions), and yes, making that last-minute casserole to use as a fundraiser during the dance performance intermission. Oh, and yes I volunteer in my synagogue. I am spread so thin you can see through me, and I really, really resent the implication that I don’t do enough.</p>
<p>I’ve seen both sides of this. When a very small group of parent volunteers is trying to get some needed job accomplished, sometimes it is hard not to wish that more parents would contribute even just a little bit of time. On the other hand, many parents are barely making it at home, with multiple stressors, and doing the best they can. </p>
<p>Also consider that many adults had difficult experiences when THEY were in school and lack the confidence to expose themselves to the “judgment” of other parents and school professionals by volunteering. Those of us who possess this confidence are often unaware of how many people do not.</p>
<p>Of course, aside from the above considerations, there are a few rotten, uncaring parents, and my heart breaks for their kids. The ones that burn me the most are parents with plenty of money and skills, who never lift a finger OR contribute a dime. I’ve seen a few of those but not many.</p>
<p>This is a somewhat complicated topic for me. I was a SAHM for 10+ years and was a very active volunteer in the schools (elementary and middle) as well as at my church, with sports teams, girl scout leader, etc. In many ways I enjoyed it and felt very fortunate that I was able to do it. I admit that for awhile, I was annoyed that some people did not volunteer, but along the way I realized that everyone’s life and circumstances were different and I stopped judging.</p>
<p>Then D started HS. I signed up for the PTO and volunteered a few times there. I am sorry to say but due to multiple negative experiences at that school, the next year I no longer joined PTO, no longer supported school fundraisers or volunteered (except for a few EC’s that D was involved in). I explained my decision to D, who was fine with it. I continued to serve at my younger child’s schools, but I was done with the HS. I had never considered it up until that point, but perhaps that is another reason why some parents don’t volunteer.</p>
<p>S is now attending a different HS. It’s harder for me to volunteer there as it is some distance from home (and I have gone back to work), but I do give financial support and volunteer when I can.</p>
<p>Fall Girl makes a good point, and I think someone earlier mentioned this as well. Sometimes, as volunteers ourselves, we don’t really make the environment very welcoming to new parents. Entrenched volunteers can get intoxicated with power, or just be bossy and unpleasant, even if we don’t realize we are doing this. Of course, that is extremely counter-productive, but it happens.</p>
<p>Please do not misunderstand my previous comment about not encouraging volunteers during a single year. This was an isolated instance that is easily taken out of context. This was not the school as a whole, but an academic team. The previous year a group of parent volunteers decided they knew more than the coaches at competitions and the kids were torn…do I listen to my parent or my coach? Large competitions were lost because of this. The following year the coach had to figure out a better way to help the team. Parents helping is great, parents who are clearly undermining the coaches isn’t. This wasn’t a volunteer or two ‘drunk with power’. Please…I spent years in a pony tail and jeans, sitting on a desk, working with teenagers.</p>
<p>I do agree that dynamics within a core group of volunteers can be very overwhelming to others, especially if they perceive they are being judged.</p>
<p>FallGirl and Skyhook - yes and yes! FallGirl, I had the same experience, and chose to devote my volunteer hours, which were many, to two other groups that were more welcoming, appreciative, and flexible in their requirements. I allowed myself to be guilted into doing a few things at the high school because I heard so many complaints about the same people doing all the work … and I always walked out wishing I’d spent the time somewhere else instead. I didn’t find the volunteer opportunities rewarding or, to be completely honest, even all that significant. </p>
<p>This is not to diminish in any way the contributions parents make to their local schools as volunteers - our school system is on the affluent side and much of the fundraising seems superfluous, so YMMV. I’ve thought about this issue a lot over the years and I’m convinced that, for my own particular family, we were better off, and happier, that I spent my volunteer hours elsewhere. Can I say that we made a fair contribution to the school system by sending three competent, responsible, and prepared kids off to school every day? And it was hard enough to do that. :)</p>
<p>I’ll throw another one out there. When my boys were young I volunteered at their school, room mother, field trips, library, etc. But along about 5th grade they both asked me to please stop. They wanted to be independent, wanted their world without me. They were fine with me doing things that didn’t directly impact them, but they didn’t want me in their classroom, in the EC’s, etc. They were growing up and wanted to do it on their own.</p>
<p>^ This is a very important dynamic that parents miss if they are doing something that they are directly involved with their student. Our son’s coach asks any student whose parent is helping on more than a casual basis if they are okay with mom or dad there. If the kid says no…then I guess you are off the hook! In some environments if your student is not happy with you being there (just because you exist…they are teens!) then they won’t do what they are supposed to. My work never involved my students for this reason. I skipped his group entirely, worked in other areas, gave him as much space as possible…I was in his world. It did work out very well for us. I have seen families where it just wasn’t pretty. Think of an academic version of a very bad sideline parent on gameday…fussing at their kid in between plays, arguing with the coach. Really, by this point do you care if this guy brings oranges for half-time? You get the idea. </p>
<p>My DH stepped back from a long standing coaches responsibility when the tension became too tight between he and S3. It wasn’t worth S3 not having a good time, or DH not enjoying seeing him play.</p>
<p>Interesting responses, notably all from parents who have volunteered at their kids’ schools. It sounds like there is a lot of resentment and politicking going on at these schools. Its too bad those feelings put a pall over the purpose and goal of volunteering, which should be to improve the school’s educational experience for all of the students.</p>
<p>I somewhat understand the stress of single parenthood and volunteering. My H travelled incessantly for business when my 3 kids were in K, preschool and diapers, and I was working full-time. I managed to do some volunteering, and it was extremely difficult to juggle, but I don’t regret it all. I still feel it was one of the most rewarding things did for my kids at the time - having them see me at their school, helping out, making the school a better place, adding credence to the importance of it.</p>
<p>At our school, volunteerism seems to be drying up, right at a time when budgets are being cut. I know there are parents who are available to help out, and yet they won’t do it, even for a couple of hours when we really need them. I hope some of them are reading this thread and will think about lending a hand.</p>
<p>To me, volunteering at your kids school is like voting: No one is required to do it, but it is your civic duty, and it forces you to learn more about the salient issues and can make your school a better place and you a better person. Obviously, ymmv.</p>
<p>Bay, I agree that volunteering is like voting, but I don’t think school is the only choice or even the best choice for everyone. Once I stopped volunteering in ways that directly affected my children, I found that the other things the school needed were not really a good match for me – so I found other ways to help our community that did fit. I worked for years with a committee to bring a library to our small town – we had never had one. Your public library, the parks department, soup kitchens, the hospital, the homeless shelter all need volunteers and often have a much harder time recruiting and maintaining volunteers then the school does.</p>
<p>I don’t see volunteering as a civic duty for everyone.</p>
<p>If you have the time, money, desire to volunteer, then great. Go volunteer your time and efforts. If you don’t wish to volunteer, that’s ok as well. </p>
<p>The exception is if you’re life makes great use of other people’s volunteer efforts, then it’s appropriate to return the favor. But not everybody’s life is touched by volunteers.</p>
<p>I don’t call it " volunteering", I prefer " community service" & I think it is important for everyone to participate in their local/global community by writing letters, attending forums,building bus shelters… whatever way that moves them.</p>
<p>I understand that life happens & you may be heavily involved in community projects ( including your place of worship/school) for several years- but then barely at all, but I do think it is important to have the sense that you * are involved- besides the writing of checks* in what is going on around you.</p>
<p>While I still am involved in my local school district- to be involved in the larger issues feels like beating my head against the wall- so I stay small- tutoring/assisting with local school programs & my main work lately has been environmental- ripping out invasive species & planting natives in an effort to make public land more attractive & useful for people & wildlife.</p>
<p>When I have spent a day removing blackberries & ivy, I can see that I made a difference, I don’t get the same satisfaction from testifying at school board meetings & poring over internal audits. :p</p>
<p>More & more businesses are making community service part of their mission & making it easier to find somewhere to be involved, whether it be every week or once a year.
[All</a> for Good](<a href=“Home - Points of Light Engage”>http://www.allforgood.org/)</p>
<p>I meant to comment on this but forgot. My answer is a resounding “yes!” What an awesome example he would set for all parents in America, especially at a time when everyone is lamenting how schools in America are failing children and falling behind other countries.</p>
<p>What an awesome example he would set for all parents in America, especially at a time when everyone is lamenting how schools in America are failing children and falling behind other countries.</p>
<p>One more comment on this, and then I’ll try to get off my high horse. I hear this type of rationalization often - that is, “I cannot volunteer at school because I am too busy chairing the ACS fundraiser, or heading up my Bible study group, or working in the Soup Kitchen, etc.” Those are all very worthwhile ways to spend your free time.</p>
<p>However, while your kids are in school, school is where you should be spending your free time and money (assuming they need you -apparently there are some schools that are overburdened with volunteers and money??) All of those other causes will still be there and needing you when your kids have graduated and gone. You have only a few years to make a difference both in your child’s education and your local school at the same time, and those are at least or more important than your role in ACS, Bible study or the Soup Kitchen during those years. Volunteering at school isn’t about making you feel comfortable with a good “fit” in your charitable role. Its about doing the most you can to improve education in your community.</p>
<p>I think this is an example of “it takes a village”, both to raise a child and to create a larger community. At my kids’ elementary there are many seniors from the retirement facility next door who volunteer as “reading buddies”. I have a good friend who volunteers at the assisted living facility despite not having a connection to anyone who is living there. There are parents who serve as girl scout and boy scout leaders but do not volunteer at the school. To dictate that one must volunteer at the school because one’s children are enrolled there seems silly to me. I believe that in a caring community we can all look after each other and give our time and talents where we feel they will do the most good. I am happy to continue to volunteer for the school and perhaps that allows a school parent to give their time in another way that may make better use of their talents. E.g., I would be happy to fill in at “movie night” so that our old pediatric dentist can spend an evening at the free clinic.</p>