Want to make up with best friend but there are deep hostilities

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hi there, </p>

<p>I really don’t know where to go with this, but this has been causing me all kinds of grief for the past 3 months, and I really need to settle this, one way or the other. I’d appreciate any advice on how I can sift through this mess that I’ve created. I’m sorry that it’s long and complicated. </p>

<p>My best friend and I are estranged, and it’s mostly (though not solely) my fault. We’ve known each other since elementary school, and to be completely honest, I think I’ve developed feelings for him over the years. I didn’t really make a big deal out of it, but I was feeling the way I was feeling with him NOT feeling the same, and it hurt inside. I STILL don’t even know what I feel. We talked about it once and he said I’m like a “female bro,” and after that, things went back to normal. </p>

<p>However, normal FEELS like more. We’re so close, and even throughout our first year of college last year, we’ve been each other’s main support system. We’d both come home on the weekends to hang out, and we’d do mundane, everyday things together because we made it fun. I went on vacation with him and his family before, I’ve stayed for meals and whatnot, and in short, we were basically two peas in a pod. </p>

<p>However, he has another close girl buddy. I’ll admit that I’ve always been jealous, most likely due to my unrequited feelings. SHE’s always had feelings for HIM, and he knows that. A few years ago before they got close, he’d always chuckle and say things like “she’s in looove with me.” Well, they became pretty close friends (I guess her pushing really paid off), but he always said they were just friends, like him and I were. They’ve gotten even closer now that I’ve been out of the picture the past 3 months, and she went to a wedding with him that we had talked about me possibly going to. </p>

<p>So, we’re not talking because I made a cold move. Both myself and his other girl buddy were set to go up north with him and his family, and I honestly was worried that I’d be jealous and sour the whole trip. The 3 of us don’t normally all hang out, and when we did, I always felt quietly resentful. I had actually told him I was going to leave earlier (a couple days earlier), and that made him really angry because he said he “could’ve brought another friend” and that I was “wasting his parents’ money.” we got over that, but when we all got in the car to go, it was really awkward. I felt like they (who were both in the front) were in their own little world without me. So, halfway there, I made the decision to go home. I said I had work stuff that I couldn’t get out of (they DID call me in the car), but I later snapped that they wouldn’t miss me anyway. They dropped my stuff and I off at a mall, and they continued north while I waited for my mom to bring me back south. </p>

<p>I haven’t talked to him since. This was over 3 months ago. We actually had to text each other in August about selling concert tickets we had bought together, and in that communication whirl, we kind of reached a universal “take care” point. I then cracked and told him I didn’t want to say goodbye forever to my best friend, but after no response for a day, I told him I regretted sending that and that I thought it was best for us to take a break and focus on our own lives. </p>

<p>He didn’t reply, he unfollowed me on Twitter (though we’re still FB friends), and made some kind of tweet saying that he was happy with everyone in his life for the first time in a long while. I’ve been continuing on with my life and making new friends and living a “Facebook happy” life, and so has he (I guess). </p>

<p>But I feel so empty inside. I’ve realized that he truly is my best friend, and I don’t want to go through life without him. This feels so much like a breakup, but we’ve never dated, so I don’t know how to feel. We had a fight a month before the big blow out because I was busy with school and work and never saw him. We made up a couple days later, and I brought forward some of my jealousy of his other girl buddy. He told me that ten days with her didn’t match one day with me because I was his one, true best friend, and I just felt so special and close to him. (though a part of me wonders if he tells HER that too) </p>

<p>How can I go about fixing this? I just reached out with a simple text expressing a greeting, but I have no idea how he’ll respond, or if he will. I’m ALWAYS the one to apologize, and though technically I did cause this with my crazy hormones and rash decisions, I’d like to just even talk to him about all that I’m feeling.
I’m worried that he officially replaced me with the other girl, and I’m worried that I’m too late. It took me 3 months to realize how much I care about him, and it hurts to think he might not feel the same, even at just the friend level. </p>

<p>I’m sorry for the long babble, but I have nowhere else to go. My mother hates him because he left me at a mall by myself an hour away and because he makes me crazy, and my other good friends are mutual and so could snitch to him. </p>

<p>Heck, this is so specific that he’d know this was about him if he read it, but I don’t even care anymore. I just want my best friend back, and I want him to realize how one sour fold of bailing on vacation isn’t worth our decade-long friendship. </p>

<p>Thanks for reading.</p>

2

<p>Dear opori2, it sounds like you have romantic feelings for him that he doesn’t share.</p>

<p>It’s hard, but, from my perspective, the best thing is to let it go.</p>

3

<p>But can’t we just be friends? Can’t we go back to how it was? </p>

<p>Friendships aren’t supposed to be as complicated as this… :frowning: </p>

<p>I feel like I’ve lost a jewel amongst my collection of rocks.</p>

4

<p>because you are not happy. You don’t want tis relationship the way it currently is. Perhaps you can reconnect later, when you both are in different places</p>

5

<p>Also, friendships are indeed complicated, especially as you grow older and perhaps in different ways.</p>

6

<p>He makes you crazy.
Friends don’t do that.
He used to be your friend, but he is not right now.
You need space & time before you can even see if you can resume the friendship.
You both need to be in a different place.
Hes moved on.
Its OK for you to do the same.</p>

7

<p>If you do ever make up, think about it: won’t you be back right where you started? Having this psedu-relationship with him? That’s not fair to you. </p>

<p>I’m going through a similar thing myself. Trust me: he ain’t worth it. Find someone who wants you at your best and who won’t throw you away at your worst.</p>

8

<p>Unrequited love is the worst. It isn’t really better when you are with him… if nothing else, it keeps you from moving on and finding someone who is your best friend AND likes you back (that way). I’d say keep your distance for now. Also… leaving the romantic stuff aside, he might not think you are as much a BFF as you do. Which is also unrequited, I guess, just unrequited friendship. Plus, he doesn’t want to make up. You deserve better friends AND a better romantic relationship. Keep on looking, there are 6 billion people in the world – assuming you only want to date guys (which may or may not be true), that is still 3 billion possibilities.</p>

9

<p>To be honest I really have a problem with the fact that he set up this “vacation” with 2 females that he knows have feelings for him. Sounds a little machiavellian to me. Where are his male friends? Seems odd he would not want to spend his vacation with some of them. My instincts tell me he was getting something out of this other than just friendship. Think you were feeding his ego. And why would a “friend” just drop you and your luggage off at a mall and continue on with his other female “friend”?</p>

<p>I think you are much better off not contacting this person. You will find someone else to fill the space in your heart and hopefully it will be someone who returns the feelings you have for them.</p>

10

<p>I don’t think you really want your “best friend” back. You want this guy to be your romantic interest. Telling yourself you can settle for friendship rather than nothing is probably not true. </p>

<p>He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want anything more than friendship. Sounds like you were acting like a jealous girlfriend, and he doesn’t want that from a girlfriend, much less a friend. He has spoken and you need to believe him.</p>

<p>I’m not convinced he would be good for you even if he shared your feelings. His actions speak pretty strongly to that.</p>

11

<p>You know, that’s what my mom always says, HarvestMoon1: that he gets a kick out of being around all of these girls. Honestly, he has very few male friends. As far as close male friends go, I really don’t think he has any. Just some casual guy buddies from class. But girls ARE easier to open up to, I guess. </p>

<p>And yeah, I guess my feelings are getting in the way of this. I knew that they would. But if I can find a way to put those aside, could it still work?? </p>

<p>There was something sweet and innocent between us when we were 9 years old, and I want to try and find that again.</p>

<p>And thanks, everyone, for taking the time to respond.</p>

12

<p>

Here’s one problem with that, one you haven’t even thought of yet: At some point in the not-distant future, he’s going to develop a serious romantic relationship with someone, and unless she’s a saint, she’s not going to want her boyfriend (fiance, husband, etc.) spending a bunch of time with a female friend. His leisure time will be spent with her, not you. Meanwhile, he’s made his feelings clear. He is content with the situation the way it is. You need to get to the same place.</p>

13

<p>I have a feeling that the people this guy is interested in romantically, are not female.
He sounds pretty confused and the opposite of grounded.</p>

14

<p>Where did THAT speculation come from? That’s complete speculation and not helpful to the OP.</p>

15

<p>This speculation came from real life experience.
Someone that is interested in women doesnt go out of his way so he isnt alone with one of them.</p>

16

<p>opori2, I agree that you have to let him go. He has decided to let you go, and you can’t change that.</p>

17

<p>Time heals many things…</p>

18

<p>You know what, Pizzagirl? I thought EXACTLY what emeraldkity4 wrote right before I read her post. This is a guy who likes drama, and would rather hang out with girls than guys as friends. Sounds like every gay boy I knew in high school (not that we knew they were gay then, mostly, but 30 years later they are out of the closet!).</p>

19

<p>Well… Alright. I see the common mantra here. And I think I know it deep down as well. </p>

<p>But it’s just… How long is enough to give each other space and time?? I feel like we’re throwing in the towel when we don’t even know how dirty it is. We never even talked about what happened. We just stopped communication afterwards. After caving and telling him that I missed him, I left it at a “let’s take a break and focus on what’s best for us right now.” </p>

<p>Well, I’ve been doing that, he’s been doing that, but a lot of time has passed from that “right now.” People can change a lot in a period of almost 4 months. I just wonder if we can be grownups and talk about the situation instead of just ignoring each other.</p>

<p>ETA: I have no idea if he’s gay or not. He doesn’t have the stereotypical gay boy voice or style or anything. I just know he hangs around pretty much all girls and is very moody. Even more so than myself sometimes!</p>

<p>And FWIW, my mom thinks he’s gay. But she’s also bitter because he left me on a bench at a mall for 3 1/2 hours. Lol</p>

20

<p>^^^^If he’s gay, you have absolutely no chance of making anything good here. You seem to want more than friendship. He doesn’t seem to want to even go that far. </p>

<p>Let it go. I know it hurts, but he’s clearly not interested in any kind of meaningful relationship.</p>