Warning to parents - before your kids leave home for college

Parents Forum
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I hate to post messages like this but honestly, they can never be shared enough.

A kid going off to college should be a truly exciting time. Unfortunately, for some kids, bad things happen that will traumatize them the rest of their lives.

Attached is an article of a scary situation - but it did not have to happen.

Directly from the article:

The young woman later told police she was downtown when she was approached by Mettal, who offered “to smoke and hang out,” according to the affidavits. She got into Mettal’s vehicle and they left the downtown area.

There was another case the other year at U of SC of a student getting into the wrong Uber (obviously didn’t check the license and was murdered).

And the case I think last year at LSU of an inebriated girl leaving a bar with four men/kids, an alleged assault (not sure if the case yet concluded) getting dropped off in a street and getting hit and killed.

I even think of minor things such as car burglaries in my neighborhood - usually due to an unlocked door. Many things that are preventable.

I know many warn their kids as they go off to school - but it really is a serious matter - and perhaps an article like this - and the statement I presented - if it can keep one kid safe - it’s worth it.

Kids need a buddy (being alone played a part clearly) and to not be so intoxicated that they can’t control themselves.

I’d like to no longer read about any of these - so while I don’t want to be overdramatic, these examples are very important. When kids are inebriated and many of yours will be, they lose all common sense.

Hopefully your kids all experience a safe environment, even when doing unsafe things.

Man accused of kinapping, raping CofC student denied bond | News | postandcourier.com

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I just read about a freshman boy at UIUC that was found dead. Then there was the girl at UPenn last year. Another girl at UVA. I knew of someone personally who was murdered in off-campus housing while attending Harvard many years ago. So many other stories. So I recently had a talk with my D about never walking alone at night, always using the university escort services, and never falling into a sense of complacency. I’m also planning to take a self-defense course with her and pack her pepper spray.

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My daughter has a birdie and I think spray. My fear is - would they be prepared to use it? And I swear she’s always on the phone, I’m afraid even when walking.

She always tells me she’d never do something like this girl and always checks the LYFT license plate but yes, it’s scary.

I wish we could stop reading these stories. So many kids are having the time of their life but I hate that there is so many bad people out there.

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Highly recommend parents do a self defense class with their student at a local police before a child leaves for college. The majority of the class is typically on avoiding making yourself an easy target. Stuff like never traveling anywhere alone, being aware of your surroundings, making sure someone knows your whereabouts, never taking an open drink etc…. I thought it was better for my D to hear it from someone other than me. The police shared statistics and it was sobering.

Also self defense at the end.

The year before leaving for college a friend’s child’s bff was murdered in college so it was fresh in my head.

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FYI, some of the college campuses actually offer free self-defense classes too.

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Many kids aren’t street aware. Not saying that kids who live in a major city are but kids from the suburbs seem to be less so. Yes, knowing your surroundings. If your walking and tons of people around then listen to to your music with ear buds etc. But if it’s late and not many people around take those off. That would be a very good step. Use the schools busses etc when traveling. Many schools now have their own Uber type systems also. My daughter just always told at least one person where she was going. Have some sort of check system. Travel in groups when you can but let’s face it, many kids don’t have groups to travel with. My friends daughter uses the security people to drive her home or walk with her if she’s at the library very late. She is there very late. This built-in security system is there for a purpose. Use it. Stay in lit areas. When in doubt call for help. Campus police area also there for a reason. Use them.

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One thing that I think is really important is talking to kids about drinking and getting drunk. Watch your drink, buddy up. Understand that your decision-making (and ability to sense danger) is compromised if you are under the influence. Don’t drink the punch, don’t eat “candy” at a party. Don’t assume the pot is pure.

This is not to say that a victim who was under the influence is to be blamed for the criminal conduct of another, only that there are simple ways to help a kid stay safe.

Another big one is trusting your gut. I strongly suggest, The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.

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And sadly, despite precautions, bad things can still happen. I read about a student who was raped at gunpoint despite walking home with multiple friends. But I agree, kids need to be taught street smarts before heading off to college to lower the risk of something bad happening to them.

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My kids both attended urban colleges. Both colleges had a pretty long session on campus and community safety, and what students should be alerted to. Both schools recognized that many of their students didn’t come from urban communities. So, the colleges did try.

At one college, this was presented by a city police officer. At the other it was done by the campus police.

Still…crimes will happen in the best of circumstances, sadly.

I do agree that learning some street smarts benefits just about everyone…regardless of the location of the college (or job, or lodging, etc).

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This is one of the reasons why I was kind of appalled by the fearmongering of certain schools on this site when I first joined because of the crime stories I’ve heard about the supposedly “safe” campuses. Sometimes, being in that mindframe that this is a “safe” campus or area, or things like that don’t happen here, creates this complacency that can end badly. And its not a numbers game either. Even if one student is impacted, it should be a huge deal. Because that one child is some family’s whole world.

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Also, talk a lot about bystander intervention - my school does formal sessions on this in the first weeks that is required for first years, as it’s not just “watch out for yourself” but watch out for others. I have taught my girls about the magic of “pretending you know someone” if you feel unsafe - like if you think you are being followed, approach the nearest woman with “OMG, EMMA! I haven’t seen you since girl scout camp! HOW ARE YOU!!” (and that if anyone ever approaches THEM like that, play along!)
I also love the Gift of Fear and read Protecting the Gift when they were young, and have done a lot of practice on street awareness, knowing how to interact with strangers to learn that gut instinct - “here’s 20 bucks, can you stop by the bakery and get us dessert for tonight?” so that they weren’t always behind me in every transaction like that…

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My son has been a Resident Coordinator at his school for the past 2 years. It is a tiny program in a very urban setting. More than half of the students stay in the dorm for all 4 years. I was so happy to hear how proactive the Residence Life team is and how much training they have received. Not only campus and city safety, but recognizing signs or depression, eating disorders, training in using Narcan and so on. They have well attended and thoughtful education with students at new student orientation and throughout the year.
I still worry about all of my kids. I’m not sure if the world has gotten less safe, or if I was just lucky when I was their age. Probably both.

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The forum demographic tends to live in and raise their kids in low crime areas, and helicopter parenting to keep kids away from and possible or perceived hazard is generally more common now.

So it may not be surprising that many kids entering adulthood and college are naive about crime. Even though crime levels are now substantially lower than when their parents were their age, some of them may be more vulnerable than their parents were due to their naivete.

Experimenting with alcohol and other recreational drugs in a naive state can make things worse.

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I think a huge issue is that people just don’t understand how ruthless and violent others can be. I really think young people who don’t grow up in urban areas are the most oblivious when it comes to a head on a swivel mentality.

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Yep. I live in Chicago not a suburb where my kids took a train to a bus each way 35-45 minutes if I didn’t drive them or pick them up. My patients in the suburbs cringe at this. Lol, and don’t even know how we live in a major city… Lol. They are amazed we have a typical single family house with 2 car garage… Lol.

But yes. Being naive no question but there is a street awareness that is taught. Whenever we have some body visiting is it’s the first thing we talk about before letting them roam around,and we live in a relatively “safe” area around Wrigely but crime is happening everywhere it seems.

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The other thing about naive-about-crime students is that leaving stuff unattended and unlocked, or leaving dorm rooms unlocked or main doors propped open is common. But then they complain about theft.

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It’s sad but yes. Don’t leave your computer out when going to grab something from the vending machine etc. It might not be there when you get back. This is so sad.

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This can happen anywhere even when you are at home.

But I’ll say, both of my kids’ colleges also dealt with theft during their orientation presentations. Even with that, I’m guessing a lot of kids figured it wouldn’t happen to them.

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I thank goodness we live in a rather high-crime city so my daughter watches her surroundings. :smile: Actually, we did have a rather hair-raising situation in which a middle-aged woman approached her and a cousin and tried to get their emails by asking for help. It was probably sex traffickers–I came around the corner after listening for a while and the woman melted away.
I agree with the poster who talked about alcohol. If a teen has had only a beer (or even two) on a couple of occasions, they have no idea what that substance can do to them–even if they know the media stories. I am going to hit that conversation several more times. It isn’t just women who are at risk either–massive amounts of alcohol can bring out the worst in an otherwise normal young man. Let’s tell them all over and over!

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I actually know three kids who died in college. All three were from falls while drinking. One from a roof and two out of windows. Something else to warn your kids about.

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