<p>DD left for school in tears this morning. I hate it when I know she isn’t going to have a good day. Yesterday, after hounding from her, I gave her a blank check to take to school in order to pay for her Model UN conference which takes place later this year. I had been waiting to hear to whom the check should be made payable, but she didn’t know and said she absolutely had to turn it in yesterday, so I gave her a blank check; she’s listed as a signer on our accounts as we are listed on her accounts. </p>
<p>This morning, I asked to whom the check was written so that I could list it in my check register. She said she forgot to turn it in to her teacher. I was a bit put out because she had pushed me to give her the check, yet she failed to turn it in. I asked her where the check was and she couldn’t find it. She searched her purse, school bag, car, and room. She then asked if I had actually given her the check! I couldn’t believe it. I showed her the duplicate check in my register and where I had written “Model UN Conference” in the “for” line, leaving the rest blank for her to complete.</p>
<p>When she mentioned another check, I said “NO WAY! - you’ve already got one of my blank checks out there floating around for someone to cash and you think I’m going to give you another?” I told her if the check isn’t returned to me by the time she returns home from school today, we will both go to the bank where she will cover my fees that result from me canceling that check number. She said she had to pay the Model UN conference fee by today and asked if she could write a check from her account. I told her “Of course … I’m happy to save $255.” I had absolutely planned to cover the costs of her conference, however, after seeing how she reacted to losing my check, I suddenly felt compelled to let her take the hit in her wallet. She works a part time job and is very good about saving money, but obviously doesn’t make a lot scooping ice cream. Although she has proven to be very responsible in the past, I recently found a $50 check that I had written in mid-August for one of her class fees. I instructed her to take it to school the next day. She asked me to re-write it with a more recent date, and I refused, telling her she should inform her teacher that she had been carrying it around for some time and should apologize for the lateness of the fee payment. She assures me she has turned in that check. I hope that is reflected on my next bank statement. </p>
<p>My question … am I being too harsh by having her now take responsibility by paying for the conference and by having her cover my “stop payment” or whatever fee will be charged when I go to the bank to cancel that check that has been lost? Thanks for any input.</p>
<p>I would only insist that she pay for any fees regarding the “lost” check. It is time she appreciate the responsibility of a bank account – especially since she has her own! If you are going to have her pay for the conference too, it will certainly send a message but it may be coupled with more resentment toward you than you care to take. Whereas, having her pay any “fees” would would undoubtedly alert her to the fact that there are consequences for being careless.</p>
<p>i’d make her pay for the conference! let her write the check and pay for it herself. i think it’s good for kids to feel the pain of parting with their own money! now, just so you know, i’m really a softie! i’d probably give her an extra $20 here and there for a while to soften the blow, (or i’d slip the 255 quietly back into a savings account) but i would certainly not have any trouble watching her suffer as she writes that check!</p>
<p>I was in a similar situation this week with S (though fortunately the lost check is not a blank one), so I have empathy for the decision you made. I probably would have been just as upset as you were, and would have told my kid the same thing.</p>
<p>I think, however, that leanid’s suggestion is the way to go, and I think that when D comes home, if the original check hasn’t located, you should propose leanid’s solution.</p>
<p>No I don’t think that you are being too harsh. It is better that she learns that her actions do have consequences especially where money is concerned(and at least she gets to make this type mistake while still having a safety net). No it is not a lot to ask for her to cover the fees (it is far less money than if she had to cover the possible cost of a check that could be written on your account).</p>
<p>what if the $50 check that she had not turned in was for an application fee or something that had a non-negotiable deadline? She would have been out of the loop.</p>
<p>You are preparing your child to go off to college where you will not be there in a moments notice to “clean up” after her. This is a good thing.</p>
<p>I would have her cover the fees, as you did.</p>
<p>I would have her bring in her own check, as you did, rather than have another blank check from your account floating around.</p>
<p>But then, I think I would re-imburse her the conference fee, once I knew that it had been indeed paid. So that the emphasis is on the problem with her handling of checks, not on the conference.</p>
<p>I sympathize w/your reaction to your D’s lackadaisical attitude…and think consequences are a very good way to make her realize that some care needs to be taken–at least when she’s dealing w/someone else’s money or possessions…so, I am on your side w/having her turn in the “old” check, and for paying the Model UN fees herself…but here’s an idea that might let you “eat your cake and eat it, too”…have her pay, as you started…but then write her a check (maybe in a week or two, after she’s had a chance to realize she’s “lost” her own money) for the $255 fee (I do think she is the appropriate person to bear the burden of cancelled check fees–which around here are pretty stiff: $25 to stop a single check)…maybe this way it’ll be a “lesson learned” but you won’t have to feel bad about making her absorb a pretty heavy hit (for the conference fee)…just make sure (if you like the idea) that you don’t repay her “too soon”…maybe just before the conference? Or just before another expense that she is bearing herself (a new dance dress or something of that nature, perhaps?)…</p>
<p>Such wonderful replies. I knew I could depend on the parents here at CC. She has had two bank accounts for several years and has always been very responsible with them, so I was very surprised at her attitude about the check she lost. She’s very thrifty with her own money, so I thought this might serve as a good lesson. I was pretty angry this morning, as I have a tendency to speak before I think things through (hard to believe, I know ). I may need to re-think my position on having her pay for the conference, but not before we sit down for a good heart-to-heart. DH didn’t have too much to say about it. He, unlike me, has a tendency to give things some serious thought before speaking. I could learn a thing or two from him.</p>
<p>Well, I know I’m swimming upstream here, but I probably would have given my child a second check. After all, we have all misplaced things. Sometimes I don’t remember what I did 15 minutes ago. Also, in the stress of trying to get out the door to school, I think it would be hard to remember where the check was. Maybe when your daughter has some time to think calmly, she will remember where she put the check.</p>
<p>SplashMom, Aren’t cool-down periods wonderful? I try to remember to permit/encourage “natural consequences.” Stop payment fee is a natural consequence. Also, having her front the $ (because you’re not ready to risk another of your blank checks floating around) but with the clear understanding that you’ll reimburse for the conference, would also be a natural consequence. Having her pick up the tab for the conference is punitive and likely to foster resentment.</p>
<p>I have three pair of reading glasses in various parts of the house, and there are times I can’t find any of them! Thank heavens for the kids - otherwise the natural consequences would be that I can’t read CC! ;)</p>
<p>I say only three because I have two more at work, and have probably forgotten that I even had another six lying around somewhere.</p>
<p>Natural consequences are fine, but there are no “natural consequences” to misplacing a check if it isn’t yours to begin with, unless there is no “natural” possibility that it could be replaced. (The “natural consequence” is to mom, the social consequences are what follow.)</p>
<p>lkf725- I would have, too. :o I’m not saying that it would be the best thing to do for training, but I also misplace things and am pretty sympathetic to others who do - especially our overly-scheduled kids.
Since splashmom’s D is normally a responsible person, I probably would have asked her to split the bank fee with me. (she would probably insist on payiing the whole $25 at that point, which I’d accept.) Then I would ask her to write a check from her own account so she wouldn’t have to worry about losing mine with the understanding that I would reimburse her later.</p>
<p>Much as I am the “tough one” in our house, I agree with leonid’s suggestion. Think of this: How long did it take for us to learn any level of responsibility? How much do we still have to learn?</p>
<p>Now that my D is away from home, I’m starting to even miss those times where I apologized to her for my overreacting.</p>
<p>My daughter (away at college) recently over-drew her account. She had been home for the weekend and we sent her back with $80 in cash. Her next deposit from us wasn’t due til the end of the week. She ended up being $47 in the whole and while I could have gone to the bank locally and restored her to a zero balance, I called her and calmly told her that she would have to get herself to a branch near school and deposit from her cash. She called me later that day saying had taken care of everything and had gotten the bank to take back one of the $19 overcharge fees. She, also, learned that using a debit card to pay for Starbucks is not such a great idea and that convenience store ATM fees are exhorbitant and not worth the failure to walk a block or two. I greatly endorse Mini’s natural consequence idea as it holds greater potential to become a learned concept.</p>
I am an organizational DISASTER, and this is exacerbated by my having six kids, which would challenge the best of us. I tend to be very sympathetic to others who lose/misplace things. I can’t keep up with my keys for five minutes! So, I would probably have just issued another check also…</p>
<p>That said, I DID get a little peeved with my 10-year-old who didn’t remember (for the second time this week) to bring her homework home. We live just a half mile from the school, so I took her back to get it, and I was carrying it when we walked into the house. Thirty minutes later, I couldn’t find it!!! She said, “See, you’re just like me!” to which I promptly replied, “Well, when I was <em>10</em> I could remember EVERYTHING!!” <em>lololololol</em> ~berurah</p>
<p>Thanks for making me laugh out loud, berurah! :D</p>
<p>Six kids?! I feel like I need a nap after just reading that, so I can’t imagine how you must feel on a daily basis. You have absolutely earned the right to forget some things!</p>
<p>Usually…if one of your children is prone to losing things…the trait can be traced to one of the parents.</p>
<p>My H lost his wallet once. In the Himalayas. He had it in a Nepalese purse on a string around his neck. With his passport. He still had his air tickets though.</p>
<p>He called his father from a public phone in an outdoor square in Katmandu. It was 2 in the morning in Connecticut. “Uh Dad…I’ve lost my wallet!” (He had to shout to be heard over the motorbikes and animals in the square).</p>
<p>Dad dutifully arranged a funds transfer, thus allowing H to continue on his travels and meet me some years later.</p>
<p>Both of my boys forget and lose things ad nauseum. My H jumped their primary school fence so many times to retrieve homework, the maintenance staff was on a first name basis with him.</p>
). I may need to re-think my position on having her pay for the conference, but not before we sit down for a good heart-to-heart. DH didn’t have too much to say about it. He, unlike me, has a tendency to give things some serious thought before speaking. I could learn a thing or two from him.</p>